Several weeks ago I found myself in tears with a dear friend. She was tearing up with memories of her love departing. I teared up from the fresh grief i was living with. She spoke of how she had ten years to prepare for K's departure for they knew his illness would end with parting, and yet it was so unexpected. I have had almost 21 to prepare for my girl to launch and yet that week had been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts.
this morning i awoke with the thought of a bird beating against a cage. watching such activity is hard o the eyes and the heart. one who longs to soar and has sights beyond their present limits but is still trying to fly within their limited space. even as 'peace, be still" was spoken, and yet the inner turmoil seemed too great to settle the heart that was full of unrest. watching a dear one wrestle and struggle and react rather than slow down to consider and respond well has been challenging. we have had moments of settling and what looked like a return to normal flight patterns and then once again the pressing of limits and flying without reguard to the flight tower counsel would continue. clouded vision seemed to cause all things to be interpreted on a different plane than those who stood further back.
And so as seasons go we have once again found ourself in a new season. Just as I once anticipated parenting Sam would look one way but it has turned out quite differently, in this season my anticipation has not been much like my hopes and dreams. And with that dissappointment has come some anger and feeling of being cheated of what I might reap. Ffor now it is hard to see the hidden harvest, but i am hopeful for a later harvest. i just don't see it blooming this week or this month. Perhaps a perenniel plan is what i have been investing in, not the showy annuals that spring up and last for a season, perenniels are planted and give us long service and enjoyment for years. some years they come up differently than anticipated, and then the following year they return to normal patterns.
So, as my bird has flown the coop, launched herself into independent adult living, I now wander the cage she left behind. it has been stripped of all that she was, a closet and a few bookcases remain of her belongings. this homne that has not felt like a home to her is adjusting to less members. we know we cannot hold back adulthood, and so she went, sadly not with our joy and delight and anticipation of what would lie ahead. Rather it was a sudden departure with only moments notice of its reality in our lives, and then it was. so, we find ourselves prayng and storming heaven that she will find protectin and wisdom amidst the many lessons that adult living brings.
Last night as we escaped the all too quiet house, with the blessed distraction of errands and I found my stomach turn as I ate at a favorite place, i realized that this grief thing will take a bit of time to work thought. we are in the midst of a season of change, which means letting go of old and growing new. i told my dear one that i am trying to find my footing. i am thinking of what this new season will allow, anticipating some of the freedoms to come for us. i am also seeing that open palms make for great landing spots for birds in flight.
so as the tears come in the days ahead, as i am sure they will, for it seems that my heart was restocked with a large tank last week, i will grieve, pray and cast my eyes to the future. for now, the new flight patterns may hold joy, but just as this is a season of change for me, it is for her as well, and familiar places are often returned to for comfort and remewal. so, as I tend the perenniels around me, I will pray for my birdie and trust God to care for her as she explores other gardens.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Changes and transformations
We are in the midst of a season of change here in Toney. It comes at us all around- children, cars and surroundings. Change is good, change is hard, change is character building and makes me Christ dependent. Some days I am overwhelmed and undone, some days I delight in the new possibilities.
Months ago I casaully mentioned to a friend that if they ever wanted to sell their well cared for Camry let us know. we received a call last month and now own this car- a delight, a good change. It answered the question of what to do with our "zippy" car- a nissan 240sx that the Mr has been falling into and crawling out of in an effort to save gas. All that was good, the no a/c not so much. Zippy is now on the market and we hope the man who longs for it enough to offer more than asking so that we would hold it will soon arrive and take it home.
A few years ago I saw the writing on the wall that our time was limited with our older children. Like a slow ticking clock the months and years have passed and the time of departure has drawn closer and come to pass for some. This week our oldest will move out, thus leaving only one child at home. We have rejoiced and cheered on some moves, others have been harder to bear, change can be melencholic - sometimes a high, sometimes a low. We work on leveling out as each settles into young adult living on their own. We settle into praying for each by name nightly around the dinner table as they spread to the north and south of the US and soon enough some will cross the globe to serve the needs of the soldiers and another may soon be a Marine on duty in remote places.
As news of rooms emptying began my brain engaged in dreaming of new uses for spaces. There was anxiousness for change, yet a desire to linger in what was at the same time. Eventually it occurred to me that I could move forward in each season, as needs arose. Last week a green room became blue- more neutral, calming and covering where each hole and freshening the space. We anticipated a new resident to move in, but soon word came that the eldest was on his way to far off adventure and when choice was given the tan room with "cool lights" trumped the new blue room. So the future guest room is now serving as a temporary room - the boy is like goldilocks as to which bed he will sleep in. Last night we changed what has been the boys room for 6 + years into a living space. Futon was installed, wall unit was turned and transformed into room divider and again transformed this morning into a quilt design wall on its backside. Slowly pictures are going up and I am contemplating how each piece of furniture will work where and how. Fun changes, simplifying, spreading out and giving dedicated space for interests to be pursued. I continue to consider and dream of what is ahead for that space. This weekend it will be the temporary guest room, next week it may well find itself to be my sewing space and a den....
So as I seek the feet of Christ to keep me soft and pliable, willing to embrace this season of change I find the adjustments easier. When i center on me alone, the cracks come, the sense of loss is heavier, the joy is missed. This is a season we knew would come, we hopefully prepared the kinder for, and there is much delight as they launch well. There is delight in the changes we are int he midst of and the ones that lie ahead. And i find that unexpectedly i am being transformed in the midst of letting go, of releasing, or trusting. I guess that is the most unexpected part of the changes- i know they were happening, i just did not exxpect there to be change within.
Months ago I casaully mentioned to a friend that if they ever wanted to sell their well cared for Camry let us know. we received a call last month and now own this car- a delight, a good change. It answered the question of what to do with our "zippy" car- a nissan 240sx that the Mr has been falling into and crawling out of in an effort to save gas. All that was good, the no a/c not so much. Zippy is now on the market and we hope the man who longs for it enough to offer more than asking so that we would hold it will soon arrive and take it home.
A few years ago I saw the writing on the wall that our time was limited with our older children. Like a slow ticking clock the months and years have passed and the time of departure has drawn closer and come to pass for some. This week our oldest will move out, thus leaving only one child at home. We have rejoiced and cheered on some moves, others have been harder to bear, change can be melencholic - sometimes a high, sometimes a low. We work on leveling out as each settles into young adult living on their own. We settle into praying for each by name nightly around the dinner table as they spread to the north and south of the US and soon enough some will cross the globe to serve the needs of the soldiers and another may soon be a Marine on duty in remote places.
As news of rooms emptying began my brain engaged in dreaming of new uses for spaces. There was anxiousness for change, yet a desire to linger in what was at the same time. Eventually it occurred to me that I could move forward in each season, as needs arose. Last week a green room became blue- more neutral, calming and covering where each hole and freshening the space. We anticipated a new resident to move in, but soon word came that the eldest was on his way to far off adventure and when choice was given the tan room with "cool lights" trumped the new blue room. So the future guest room is now serving as a temporary room - the boy is like goldilocks as to which bed he will sleep in. Last night we changed what has been the boys room for 6 + years into a living space. Futon was installed, wall unit was turned and transformed into room divider and again transformed this morning into a quilt design wall on its backside. Slowly pictures are going up and I am contemplating how each piece of furniture will work where and how. Fun changes, simplifying, spreading out and giving dedicated space for interests to be pursued. I continue to consider and dream of what is ahead for that space. This weekend it will be the temporary guest room, next week it may well find itself to be my sewing space and a den....
So as I seek the feet of Christ to keep me soft and pliable, willing to embrace this season of change I find the adjustments easier. When i center on me alone, the cracks come, the sense of loss is heavier, the joy is missed. This is a season we knew would come, we hopefully prepared the kinder for, and there is much delight as they launch well. There is delight in the changes we are int he midst of and the ones that lie ahead. And i find that unexpectedly i am being transformed in the midst of letting go, of releasing, or trusting. I guess that is the most unexpected part of the changes- i know they were happening, i just did not exxpect there to be change within.
Friday, March 23, 2012
When did it happen?
When our kids are young it seems that some days last forever and we cannot wait for the evening to come, to tuck them into bed and slow down the pace of life for a few short minutes before falling exhausted into our own slumber. Folks tell you that the years will fly, but in the midst of the busy seasons of parenting it is hard to see the pages of the seasons turning.
This week my girl turned 21. Two years ago my first turned 21. In two short years the next will become an official adult, though in our book he is already one as he is serving his country as a Marine.
As I look back over the years it is hard to know when my girl transitioned from toddler to girl to teen and now a young adult. Was it after falling asleep on her lambie? Was it after being frightened by her pirate brother? After the tea party when she dressed like a young lady though still quite young? After rescuing 100+ worms stranded by a rainstorm or splashing in mudpuddles? Was it in the midst of a camping trip? As she dreaded growing up or maybe as she accepted that she was going to grow up and began to pursue becoming a lady with a passion?
Perhaps it came about as she trusted her life toCchrist, reached out to others around her, began to cook and bake and learn to run a house? Maybe as she joined her brothers in chores and became her daddy's girl yet retreated to good books when the work was done. Maybe it was amidst school work and learning that she was ok with having curls and dressing to suit herself, and not another. Or perhaps as she looked to the future and began to dream? As she stepped from high school into the work force, then moved on to college as her main time commitment? In the midst of summers away, seeking freedom and independence and yet seeing God's provision and protection when she was sometimes not aware of the need? Maybe it was on the river white water rafting or around a campfire or riding the backroads with fellow campers? Maybe while traveling and she answered the call to adulthood at the phone booth on the side of the road along a trip while taking a picture?
I don't know that any of us can pinpoint exactly when we transtition. Ocassionally there is an event that helps us to move to the next stage of life. I recall a walk up stairs that preceded a decision of love and movement into a new season of life. Most of the time I arrive at a new season surprised to wake up and see that the season has changed. So it has been for me in the past months. All of a sudden the house is a bit quieter, the exit sign has flashed quicker than expected. All of a sudden the days of children in the house is waning and we are seeing that which we anticipated come to pass. The relationships become more precious and we cherish the interactions, as their future quantity is undefined. We adjust to the reality that change happens, that our job as parenting another child has changed to walking through life alongside another adult.
These days we have transitioned to the reality that our girl is no longer our little girl. She has grown up. As parents letting go is always challenging, all the more so when it is your first and only- may God bless the hearts of all the firsts and onlies, as we parents learn and make so many mistakes as we learn with them, they pave the way for the siblings who follow. Our girl is now a young adult, we are learning to love in new ways. We are learning to rejoice in new aspects of life. we are learning to step back and allow life lessons to occur, no longer rushing in to intercept a fall and kiss away boo boos, though in our hearts we would love to build protective bubbles about our children, they are no longer children.
And so we rejoice in the years of the past, the sweet memories. we rejoice in the gift of children, the blessing of the relationships we have. we rejoice that each child has been blessed with good health and a life full of loving relationships. we rejoice that for so many years our nest was not empty, and the possiblity that the future generation may one day come to fill it with noise again. We live with open palms, open arms, surrendering our blessings to God and the life He would have them live out. And in the quiet of the afternoon and evening we rejoice to not be battling tired children, but our weary bodies can simply rest and cheer on those yet in the season of intense childraising.
This week my girl turned 21. Two years ago my first turned 21. In two short years the next will become an official adult, though in our book he is already one as he is serving his country as a Marine.
As I look back over the years it is hard to know when my girl transitioned from toddler to girl to teen and now a young adult. Was it after falling asleep on her lambie? Was it after being frightened by her pirate brother? After the tea party when she dressed like a young lady though still quite young? After rescuing 100+ worms stranded by a rainstorm or splashing in mudpuddles? Was it in the midst of a camping trip? As she dreaded growing up or maybe as she accepted that she was going to grow up and began to pursue becoming a lady with a passion?
Perhaps it came about as she trusted her life toCchrist, reached out to others around her, began to cook and bake and learn to run a house? Maybe as she joined her brothers in chores and became her daddy's girl yet retreated to good books when the work was done. Maybe it was amidst school work and learning that she was ok with having curls and dressing to suit herself, and not another. Or perhaps as she looked to the future and began to dream? As she stepped from high school into the work force, then moved on to college as her main time commitment? In the midst of summers away, seeking freedom and independence and yet seeing God's provision and protection when she was sometimes not aware of the need? Maybe it was on the river white water rafting or around a campfire or riding the backroads with fellow campers? Maybe while traveling and she answered the call to adulthood at the phone booth on the side of the road along a trip while taking a picture?
I don't know that any of us can pinpoint exactly when we transtition. Ocassionally there is an event that helps us to move to the next stage of life. I recall a walk up stairs that preceded a decision of love and movement into a new season of life. Most of the time I arrive at a new season surprised to wake up and see that the season has changed. So it has been for me in the past months. All of a sudden the house is a bit quieter, the exit sign has flashed quicker than expected. All of a sudden the days of children in the house is waning and we are seeing that which we anticipated come to pass. The relationships become more precious and we cherish the interactions, as their future quantity is undefined. We adjust to the reality that change happens, that our job as parenting another child has changed to walking through life alongside another adult.
These days we have transitioned to the reality that our girl is no longer our little girl. She has grown up. As parents letting go is always challenging, all the more so when it is your first and only- may God bless the hearts of all the firsts and onlies, as we parents learn and make so many mistakes as we learn with them, they pave the way for the siblings who follow. Our girl is now a young adult, we are learning to love in new ways. We are learning to rejoice in new aspects of life. we are learning to step back and allow life lessons to occur, no longer rushing in to intercept a fall and kiss away boo boos, though in our hearts we would love to build protective bubbles about our children, they are no longer children.
And so we rejoice in the years of the past, the sweet memories. we rejoice in the gift of children, the blessing of the relationships we have. we rejoice that each child has been blessed with good health and a life full of loving relationships. we rejoice that for so many years our nest was not empty, and the possiblity that the future generation may one day come to fill it with noise again. We live with open palms, open arms, surrendering our blessings to God and the life He would have them live out. And in the quiet of the afternoon and evening we rejoice to not be battling tired children, but our weary bodies can simply rest and cheer on those yet in the season of intense childraising.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
passions balanced with eternity- how is this possilbe?
I find myself wondering these days how my passion for fiber and visual textiles can be of use to the kingdom. Why did the Lord put within me a desire to manipulate cloth and fiber and how does it relate to kingdom purposes?
As I look ahead I see a time when I will have time to spend pursuing my passions. When stitching and sewing and knitting will be occupations that could be enjoyed and pursued beyond a few found hours throughout the tweek. When I could kind of seriously study dying of fabric and fiber, seek to quilt for more than pleasure, maybe even teach a class or two. When I could consider entering a quilt in competition or thinik about the idea of sharing passions in a class or through a book?
And yet at the same time I am reminded that this is not my home. I am a stranger here on short term mission. That my purpose for being here is to Glorify God... what does that look like in terms of gifting with cloth and fiber?
For the present I am playing with "green" fiber- upcycling sweater by repurposing the wool for gifts and warmth bringing garmets. I am playing with undyed fibers that I have harvested from unwanted garmets. I am using my skills and talents to bless folks with gifts and objects with purpose or decoration. And as I work on these I know that often they are a blessing, yet at other times as I stitch or knit or ..... I realize that in the thoughts of Solomon all is vanity, and some is just make work and fodder for the future donate or excess stuff pile. As I understand that my time is a precious resource I desire to number my days and invest them wisely, not with just make work but with kingdom work.
and so continues the condumdrum of balance between passion and eternal thinking.
As I look ahead I see a time when I will have time to spend pursuing my passions. When stitching and sewing and knitting will be occupations that could be enjoyed and pursued beyond a few found hours throughout the tweek. When I could kind of seriously study dying of fabric and fiber, seek to quilt for more than pleasure, maybe even teach a class or two. When I could consider entering a quilt in competition or thinik about the idea of sharing passions in a class or through a book?
And yet at the same time I am reminded that this is not my home. I am a stranger here on short term mission. That my purpose for being here is to Glorify God... what does that look like in terms of gifting with cloth and fiber?
For the present I am playing with "green" fiber- upcycling sweater by repurposing the wool for gifts and warmth bringing garmets. I am playing with undyed fibers that I have harvested from unwanted garmets. I am using my skills and talents to bless folks with gifts and objects with purpose or decoration. And as I work on these I know that often they are a blessing, yet at other times as I stitch or knit or ..... I realize that in the thoughts of Solomon all is vanity, and some is just make work and fodder for the future donate or excess stuff pile. As I understand that my time is a precious resource I desire to number my days and invest them wisely, not with just make work but with kingdom work.
and so continues the condumdrum of balance between passion and eternal thinking.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
New Year, New posts
A friend's message has caused movement - a good thing. I thought that I had not written for months, only to find that the reality is that I had written, just not posted, so today I have swamped the blog with all my old posts that were not seen only written.
As this year begins it, as most, comes with a sense of opportunity and clean slate. Our christmas letter was themed :change, for that seems to be the season we are in. As I look ahead I can anticipate what might come but having lived more than 4 decades with many unexepected twists and turns to our story there is much unknown that the year ahead may hold.
Sunday's sermon spoke to the idea of resolution and how it is so often man centered. yet we are God created people, and who knows better our center and our needs for the season ahead than our creator. So, this year instead of trying to determine what I should do I am asking the God of the Universe to guide me in the changes He would have me make. Just as I found Him to change my heart to exercise, so I anticipate him changing some other things within me in the months ahead. I am spending the next 40 days rereading and listening close as I work my way through The Purpose Driven Life.
My husband and I were blessed with a new devotional and we are using that to share life together daily. It has been good - Love Talk is the title.
This month I anticipate - new information on my husbands brain- it has been a year of knowing he is living with MS and this week we get a "lets see how it is really going" MRI. Not sure what is ahead but this may be a signposts. We continue with green smoothies and seeking to increase health naturally along with my periodic opportunities to legeally shoot him! (talk about God moments - this comes from a needle fearing girl who by God's strength now gives injections!)
This month we also watch our middle son move from boy to recruit to Marine! He has been away for 10 weeks. The house has been quiet, peacefully so. The food lingers in the fridge. We watch and wait for letters and gather around to savor words from afar. I think I will miss the letter writing when he is released and has phone privilidges, hmmm may still have to keep it up. We have heard of heart change and seen it indicated by his words. soon we shall get to live with him and see how and what the transformation has reprioritized in his head and heart.
This month our daughter returns to college- only one in college now. The all too short semester break is soon over and the pace will pick up. I shall miss having her about the house, watching her creativity flow. I am sure she brings life to her work and the people there- she inspried a skirt day and word is one of the guys donned a sport skirt jsut for the fun of it- over his jeans!
The eldest is in a season of waiting- college is done for this season and he is waiting for the first real job- thankfully his part time work continues. He remains creative as he waits- building and creating. Presently working on motion control switch for our garage streetlight- fun! (I think he may be tired of stumbling in a dark garage). He is a published creator- instructables.com - fun!
And with the new year I must return to my day job. My student reluctantly awaits the start of his education. Winter break was all too short for him, he pleaded for another week as the dust was burning off his brain witha afew math problems. Time to hit the books hard again and explore ancient history, creation and art! Time to fill the exercise log that has only seen limited use over the holidays. Time to live life together as we move through the year ahead!
As this year begins it, as most, comes with a sense of opportunity and clean slate. Our christmas letter was themed :change, for that seems to be the season we are in. As I look ahead I can anticipate what might come but having lived more than 4 decades with many unexepected twists and turns to our story there is much unknown that the year ahead may hold.
Sunday's sermon spoke to the idea of resolution and how it is so often man centered. yet we are God created people, and who knows better our center and our needs for the season ahead than our creator. So, this year instead of trying to determine what I should do I am asking the God of the Universe to guide me in the changes He would have me make. Just as I found Him to change my heart to exercise, so I anticipate him changing some other things within me in the months ahead. I am spending the next 40 days rereading and listening close as I work my way through The Purpose Driven Life.
My husband and I were blessed with a new devotional and we are using that to share life together daily. It has been good - Love Talk is the title.
This month I anticipate - new information on my husbands brain- it has been a year of knowing he is living with MS and this week we get a "lets see how it is really going" MRI. Not sure what is ahead but this may be a signposts. We continue with green smoothies and seeking to increase health naturally along with my periodic opportunities to legeally shoot him! (talk about God moments - this comes from a needle fearing girl who by God's strength now gives injections!)
This month we also watch our middle son move from boy to recruit to Marine! He has been away for 10 weeks. The house has been quiet, peacefully so. The food lingers in the fridge. We watch and wait for letters and gather around to savor words from afar. I think I will miss the letter writing when he is released and has phone privilidges, hmmm may still have to keep it up. We have heard of heart change and seen it indicated by his words. soon we shall get to live with him and see how and what the transformation has reprioritized in his head and heart.
This month our daughter returns to college- only one in college now. The all too short semester break is soon over and the pace will pick up. I shall miss having her about the house, watching her creativity flow. I am sure she brings life to her work and the people there- she inspried a skirt day and word is one of the guys donned a sport skirt jsut for the fun of it- over his jeans!
The eldest is in a season of waiting- college is done for this season and he is waiting for the first real job- thankfully his part time work continues. He remains creative as he waits- building and creating. Presently working on motion control switch for our garage streetlight- fun! (I think he may be tired of stumbling in a dark garage). He is a published creator- instructables.com - fun!
And with the new year I must return to my day job. My student reluctantly awaits the start of his education. Winter break was all too short for him, he pleaded for another week as the dust was burning off his brain witha afew math problems. Time to hit the books hard again and explore ancient history, creation and art! Time to fill the exercise log that has only seen limited use over the holidays. Time to live life together as we move through the year ahead!
wounds revisited
One day when I was a girl my dad took my sisters and brothers camping and I stayed home with my mom. later on that day we visited a neighbor. Many of the details of that time are fuzzy, I never quite realized that drinks were being enjoyed or what exactly was going on. What has stayed with me was the mean anger of the woman towards me, the orders and unkindness and all the confusion, panic and fear of that afternoon. Only later did I realize that she was drunk, that her angry demands were not from her but from the drink. I recall running home, sad and feeling abandoned, shaking and not wanting to ever go back there again.
Today the memory came back again, unexpected but there none the less. I have wrestled with the issue of alcohol in recent days. What is balance, what is out of balance? How do I, one who does not like the taste in any form, and yes, I have sampled a taste of many, fit in with the many around who seem to daily enjoy a drink or two. How do I continue to stand firm on my convictions as the drinks come out and I alone abstain.
I had thought that my resolve was to not drink because I had an alcoholic grandfather. As a newlywed facing hard times of husband deployed and an empty house night after night I resolved that I would endure, though I acknowledged that I could choose to turn to drink, I did not. As a newlywed I wateched many drink in many levels, and never found need nor desire for. The environment sometimes was off putting, the taste or smell other times off putting and ocassionally the behavior made me long to be elsewhere.
After a time in life friends changed and drinking was rarely a topic or issue to be considered. Recently I have noticed that there has been a change. With gatherings have come brown bottles. Often its just one, but othertimes they have collected. Sometimes it is a reward after a long day of hard work, or a refreshment after laboring in the pool tossing kids about to their delight. Othertimes the beverages have appeared unexpectedly and flowed freely, and I have wondered at their presence.
Today I was caught short by my mmeory. I believe it is the root of my discomfort with alcohol. I realize that it has probably tempered my being as wounds can while we live unaware. When a first experience is strongly negative it establishes a good scar. I think that I dont regret part of it as it has helped me establish a boundary that has served me well. At the same time it may have served me poorly as I am not sure that i am balanced and at present I find myself fairly confused as to what balance looks like.
As I reflect upon some of my early adult life wounds there were several, they have had an affect. i dont want them to reign, yet i also do not want to miss the value of the wisdom that they might teach me.
Today the memory came back again, unexpected but there none the less. I have wrestled with the issue of alcohol in recent days. What is balance, what is out of balance? How do I, one who does not like the taste in any form, and yes, I have sampled a taste of many, fit in with the many around who seem to daily enjoy a drink or two. How do I continue to stand firm on my convictions as the drinks come out and I alone abstain.
I had thought that my resolve was to not drink because I had an alcoholic grandfather. As a newlywed facing hard times of husband deployed and an empty house night after night I resolved that I would endure, though I acknowledged that I could choose to turn to drink, I did not. As a newlywed I wateched many drink in many levels, and never found need nor desire for. The environment sometimes was off putting, the taste or smell other times off putting and ocassionally the behavior made me long to be elsewhere.
After a time in life friends changed and drinking was rarely a topic or issue to be considered. Recently I have noticed that there has been a change. With gatherings have come brown bottles. Often its just one, but othertimes they have collected. Sometimes it is a reward after a long day of hard work, or a refreshment after laboring in the pool tossing kids about to their delight. Othertimes the beverages have appeared unexpectedly and flowed freely, and I have wondered at their presence.
Today I was caught short by my mmeory. I believe it is the root of my discomfort with alcohol. I realize that it has probably tempered my being as wounds can while we live unaware. When a first experience is strongly negative it establishes a good scar. I think that I dont regret part of it as it has helped me establish a boundary that has served me well. At the same time it may have served me poorly as I am not sure that i am balanced and at present I find myself fairly confused as to what balance looks like.
As I reflect upon some of my early adult life wounds there were several, they have had an affect. i dont want them to reign, yet i also do not want to miss the value of the wisdom that they might teach me.
moments of gratitude
Every day life can quickly creep in and cause us to forget the moments of gratitude we find amidst daily living. This morning it was discoveirng my "lost" debit card on third search of my wallet- just before the call to the bank and all the inconveniences that would put into action.
thank you lord for hesitation and eyes to see on the third look.
Last week it was the provision of 2" rigid foam within my budget. I wanted to make a gap filler for my sewing machine table, a 4 x 6 sheet costs $30. My budget was $10. I "just happened" to spot a stray piece at HD and when asked it was marked down to $10 and has now met my needs with leftovers to spare.
Thank you for provision within my means.
For years I have struggled to commit to exercise. About a month ago my husband and I had yet another conversation about the need for exercise in our life. At some point following that conversation I sensed a heart change within. I no longer think of dusting the elliptical, rather I am looking forward to my time keeping it greased. Compettion between the youngest and I have helped to motivate us both to strive longer and farther.
A new trashcan location greeted me when i returned from vaction- front and center of the kitchen. Logistically it was great, estecially,not so much. My can had no lid and was several years old. Long overdue for replacement so the trash could be covered I balked at the thought of paying $50+ for a nice new metal one with lid. As I walked through Sam's club i started to consider how high i was willing to go as theirs were right at $50. Then I noticed a dented one on the scratch and dent rack- half price! Score- home we went, worked on some dents, found a spot where the dent isnt front and cneter and my kitchen trash can has once again been relocated closer and I am at ease with price paid.
Thank you for timely visits to scratch and dent racks that meet both need and wants and budget.
I have been looking for activities to help us get out of the house routinely now that we are not in a co-op. Thursdays now have homeschool swim time in the closest rec center, swim lesons offeredn next month. We begin today and piggyback it with our vision therapy appt.
Thank you for organizing our opportunities when we are uncertain of how to pull it together.
Our daughter has been away at camp all summer. She goes to school locally and needs a job to pay for expenses. It was with great joy that after working 4-5 days before camp that they told her tocall when she was ready to return after camp. She is back to work again and the schedule seems to be flexible enough to work around her school schedule.
Thankyou for employers that understand summer camp and are willing for wait for you to return.
We were traveling to NY and home again. The trip north went well and on the first night we found ourselves on the border of NY. The trip home we were able to make it home in 18.5 hours, thus giving us an extra day of rest before reentering life as "normal" . Not sure when the roads came together to make it possible but all of a sudden the trip to NY is not the daunting 20+ hours long.
Thank your for road engineers and highways that make passages through Ohio and allowing us to not have to drive through big big citiies and tons of traffic.
Amidst daily life it is easy to develop short thinking- I am happy to pause and think about the many blessings and joys in my life.
thank you lord for hesitation and eyes to see on the third look.
Last week it was the provision of 2" rigid foam within my budget. I wanted to make a gap filler for my sewing machine table, a 4 x 6 sheet costs $30. My budget was $10. I "just happened" to spot a stray piece at HD and when asked it was marked down to $10 and has now met my needs with leftovers to spare.
Thank you for provision within my means.
For years I have struggled to commit to exercise. About a month ago my husband and I had yet another conversation about the need for exercise in our life. At some point following that conversation I sensed a heart change within. I no longer think of dusting the elliptical, rather I am looking forward to my time keeping it greased. Compettion between the youngest and I have helped to motivate us both to strive longer and farther.
A new trashcan location greeted me when i returned from vaction- front and center of the kitchen. Logistically it was great, estecially,not so much. My can had no lid and was several years old. Long overdue for replacement so the trash could be covered I balked at the thought of paying $50+ for a nice new metal one with lid. As I walked through Sam's club i started to consider how high i was willing to go as theirs were right at $50. Then I noticed a dented one on the scratch and dent rack- half price! Score- home we went, worked on some dents, found a spot where the dent isnt front and cneter and my kitchen trash can has once again been relocated closer and I am at ease with price paid.
Thank you for timely visits to scratch and dent racks that meet both need and wants and budget.
I have been looking for activities to help us get out of the house routinely now that we are not in a co-op. Thursdays now have homeschool swim time in the closest rec center, swim lesons offeredn next month. We begin today and piggyback it with our vision therapy appt.
Thank you for organizing our opportunities when we are uncertain of how to pull it together.
Our daughter has been away at camp all summer. She goes to school locally and needs a job to pay for expenses. It was with great joy that after working 4-5 days before camp that they told her tocall when she was ready to return after camp. She is back to work again and the schedule seems to be flexible enough to work around her school schedule.
Thankyou for employers that understand summer camp and are willing for wait for you to return.
We were traveling to NY and home again. The trip north went well and on the first night we found ourselves on the border of NY. The trip home we were able to make it home in 18.5 hours, thus giving us an extra day of rest before reentering life as "normal" . Not sure when the roads came together to make it possible but all of a sudden the trip to NY is not the daunting 20+ hours long.
Thank your for road engineers and highways that make passages through Ohio and allowing us to not have to drive through big big citiies and tons of traffic.
Amidst daily life it is easy to develop short thinking- I am happy to pause and think about the many blessings and joys in my life.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Letting loneliness rule
We hear of folks being lonely, we all know the pain of it to one degree or another. Wounding happens to us all, but sometimes those wounds penetrate deep and scar deeply. Today I heard the pain in a friend's voice, tales of friendships that are no longer, tales of unspoken and not understood abandonment. Pain that loomed so large that leaving seemed a better option than enduring.
Thankfully not enough pills were taken to complete the mission. Sadly the pain was endured, and being alone and the lack of connection perpetuates the lie that others don't care. My heart cries for this dear sweet soul that was created in a special, simpler way. Family does not embrace this one well, life is often lived alone or with peers as friends and family. Distance separates us so I could not hug a neck and give the gift of touch. Happily hospitals are thoughtful to offer a modern option- e-cards! I was able to send one and as we spoke on the phone, the voice was lifted with joy-someone cared enough to send a card.
Oh how often do our words have power that we don't understand? How often do we consider the widows, orphans and ignored ones that the Lord watches from afar? Oh that we would be aware of those who dwell in the shadows, that we speak words of love and care. Oh that I would act on thoughts of contact and not just think them. That I would shore up those whom dwell in lonely places with prayer.
Tonight I am dwelling, praying for my friend, that hope and healing would come with the dawn and courage to face the day would renew within daily.
Thankfully not enough pills were taken to complete the mission. Sadly the pain was endured, and being alone and the lack of connection perpetuates the lie that others don't care. My heart cries for this dear sweet soul that was created in a special, simpler way. Family does not embrace this one well, life is often lived alone or with peers as friends and family. Distance separates us so I could not hug a neck and give the gift of touch. Happily hospitals are thoughtful to offer a modern option- e-cards! I was able to send one and as we spoke on the phone, the voice was lifted with joy-someone cared enough to send a card.
Oh how often do our words have power that we don't understand? How often do we consider the widows, orphans and ignored ones that the Lord watches from afar? Oh that we would be aware of those who dwell in the shadows, that we speak words of love and care. Oh that I would act on thoughts of contact and not just think them. That I would shore up those whom dwell in lonely places with prayer.
Tonight I am dwelling, praying for my friend, that hope and healing would come with the dawn and courage to face the day would renew within daily.
Friday, October 21, 2011
What does MS look like to me?
What does the face of MS look like to me right now?
Change- lots of changes going on- change of routine, change of diet, change of what is normal, change of thinking, change of priorities. Who moved my cheese? MS did...... so I am getting use to sniffing out the scent of the cheese to find a new normal.
Live Today- I an no longer sure what today may hold- it may be typical, normal and routine or it may have the added factor of a numbness, foginess or fatigue thrown in just because its that kind of day. We are learning to rejoice in each day, life in each day and enjoy whatever it may hold.
Fatigue- such an unfamiliar visitor to our life until recent. When the Bear comes home and needs a nap after work I know you have come to visit. When sitting and vegging is about all he can do, I know you are the guider of our day. You are unfamiliar to my once workaholic man. You are a stranger to the one who can chainsaw for hours with great delight, but now you stop his normal, causing us to find a new normal. Naps become part of the agenda and its ok; just part of the season of life we walk in for now.
Exercise- the dreaded, avoided and ignored activity that has plagued me for years because I never engaged. Now you are my friend- you give me strength, renew my energy and lift my spirits. I am learning to look forward to the audiobook or music of the session. I am seeing the benefit to me, as a caregiver, and to the bear as he fights to keep muscle tone and strength.
Simplify- when life causes you to stop and look anew, simplicity becomes a desired goal. We have begun to evaluate and eliminate. Proritiies have been shifted and we continue to adjust our life to our words and thoughts of what is truly important. The stuff that once was so important isnt quite so valuable. Simple things, spending time and enjoying moments together have risen higher on our agenda.
Priorities- where once the job was the priority all of a sudden health, well being and family have risen to the top. When faced with an unknown outcome, our vision is cleared and some of the fog of "status quo" and "keeping up" and "everyone does it" show their colors and we start to see again. Family time, loving well, making memories, and relationships - priorities to be pursued as we walk through this MS thing.
Grief- the sadness of the unknown. The fear of what MS looked life in the life of those from my past. The uncertainty of what lies ahead. The frustration of no longer being able to do what once was done withouth thought, or not having energy where it was never an issue. Many griefs, each come and go as they are lived and experienced. I find that at times it comes in waves or laps, then i shake myself, grieve and give it over to the God of the univers who has allowed this season to be filtered through his hands of love and care, and settle in to live another day beside the one I love.
Green smoothies, shots and supplements- our first book read about MS was Minding Your Mitochondria- the idea of a diet change helping battle MS was exciting. We bought a juicer and began to juice then switched to green smoothies. Not sure how it is helping, but it sure does not seem to be hurting. As the Bear drops pounds that need to be shed and his body systems work well we are finding a good part of the formula. Shots- after a second round of MRI films and word of more lesions wisdom indicated shots were in order. So, this wife who HATED needles and shots now finds herself helping her bear with shots in rotation- he gets the front side, I get the back. So, in earnest I can speak of "shooting" my Bear! Supplements- along with the diet shift has come supplemental oils and minerals and ??? - he handles his dosing and drops and again, we see it as part of the formula, not thinking its hurting and perhaps it is helping more than we know. Just part of this life with MS that we live these days.
We are now ten months into the known journey of MS. Backtracking to signs now understood we are in reality more like 3 years into it. It is a journey we never imagined we would take, we dont know what lies ahead, so we take it day at a time. We trust that God will continue to give us wisdom, that He will guide us and use the journey for some good. We are changed and challenged as we move forward.
*the watercolor was done as I processed all that was going on within as I came to terms with MS entering our life. Each persons picture looks different- this is what my view is now, in time I expect it to change.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Let the shooting begin!
For the past few weeks I have been coming to terms with new reality. I left for a girls week in CA with sibilings and Mom with my bear handling home life. He juggled life well and conquered many parenting tasks as he flew solo. Just before I returned he had another MRI and doc appt. we had hoped it would be a nothing new, no comment kind of appointment. It did not turn out that way, so as I returned to civilization from 3 days of no service and Yosemite beauty our phone conversation revealed that yes, MS was declared. He would be going on medicine, MS had joined our life.
Words are easier to deal with than reality often, especially when they are words that are not fully lived and experienced. MS - a disease we've seen fundraisers for and known from afar, or in others lives. Now it has entered our home and is making itself known to us personally. So far it has been a gentleman, and so we hope it remains, yet its full nature is not known and therein lies part of the struggle of the adjustment. What lies ahead? and how will i live today with an unknown .... will i live with fear stealing my joy or will i live today for today and deal with tomorrow when it comes at me. I am choosing the later.
As the investigation of the numbness began we heard about drugs- lots of drugs, and our first response was NO! Now that reality of lesions has been seen and lived with and new knowledge has been understood we realize that we can eat well- he is up to 3 green smoothies a day (32oz each) and take supplements- his body is getting healthy intake. Yet as new tingles and symptoms occur the thought of slowing its progression down has become a reality. So, when FedEx stopped by yesterday it was to give us supplies for our shooting clinic on Saturday.
I don't do shots well, I tend to avoid shots, if at all possible, I look away, close my eyes and breathe deep. Yesterday I looked at a syringe for the first time and started to pep talk myself "I can do this" mantra. thankfully there is an auto injection tool in the kit so I have a safety net- a way to help without having to fully embrace the needle. I will be learning a new skill this weekend, another tool in the helpmeet's toolbox of life, who knew 28 years ago that my toolbox would get to be so well stocked ? (eek!)
The reality is settling in as I talk to pharmacy company and clarify monthly copays as it will continue for ?life? ???? As I realize that authorizations for me to talk to the insurance company has been lost in transit and needs to be resent- for I am the admin assistant and navigating the system on his behalf will remain in our future for the future. I am thankful to be here to walk through this with him, thankful for past experience with referrals and therapists and doctors that will serve me in the days ahead.
Often it is easy to forget about MS- for it is "invisible". No sign blares and often the pain and numbness is not mentioned, only later does he speak of discomfort, yet its invasion is occuring. It kind of reminds me of the other uninvited guest we host in our home- epilepsy- invisible until it rears its head, one we are daily dealing with in small ways, wary of in some situations and would prefer to not host, yet it remains. The mental adjustment feels similar as the words become reality and the reality remains invisible to many yet feels heavy on some days and minor on others. Slowly we adjust.
Many small changes are happening. On Saturday a nurse will arrive and teach us to give shots. Shots will be given every other day for ???? and we hope and pray he responds well to a new fluid entering his body to keep the mylon sheath from further deterioation. Fatigue is found at times, so an afterwork rest is a time to recharge for an evening of life together. We have begun to exercise, for it is found to help in many ways, and because we just need to do it. We are talking, reading and praying. We are laughing as the bear throws out "MS moment" when he forgets something- sometimes an excuse, sometimes true brain fog.
We are living today, enjoying today, simplifying our lives to what is important and most needs our time and attention. It feels good to slow down a bit. Life is a journey and we move forward to new adventures, not all of our choosing but knowing that it is filtered through eternal hands we move forward. I am learning to stretch, grow and try new things, so , let the shooting begin!
Words are easier to deal with than reality often, especially when they are words that are not fully lived and experienced. MS - a disease we've seen fundraisers for and known from afar, or in others lives. Now it has entered our home and is making itself known to us personally. So far it has been a gentleman, and so we hope it remains, yet its full nature is not known and therein lies part of the struggle of the adjustment. What lies ahead? and how will i live today with an unknown .... will i live with fear stealing my joy or will i live today for today and deal with tomorrow when it comes at me. I am choosing the later.
As the investigation of the numbness began we heard about drugs- lots of drugs, and our first response was NO! Now that reality of lesions has been seen and lived with and new knowledge has been understood we realize that we can eat well- he is up to 3 green smoothies a day (32oz each) and take supplements- his body is getting healthy intake. Yet as new tingles and symptoms occur the thought of slowing its progression down has become a reality. So, when FedEx stopped by yesterday it was to give us supplies for our shooting clinic on Saturday.
I don't do shots well, I tend to avoid shots, if at all possible, I look away, close my eyes and breathe deep. Yesterday I looked at a syringe for the first time and started to pep talk myself "I can do this" mantra. thankfully there is an auto injection tool in the kit so I have a safety net- a way to help without having to fully embrace the needle. I will be learning a new skill this weekend, another tool in the helpmeet's toolbox of life, who knew 28 years ago that my toolbox would get to be so well stocked ? (eek!)
The reality is settling in as I talk to pharmacy company and clarify monthly copays as it will continue for ?life? ???? As I realize that authorizations for me to talk to the insurance company has been lost in transit and needs to be resent- for I am the admin assistant and navigating the system on his behalf will remain in our future for the future. I am thankful to be here to walk through this with him, thankful for past experience with referrals and therapists and doctors that will serve me in the days ahead.
Often it is easy to forget about MS- for it is "invisible". No sign blares and often the pain and numbness is not mentioned, only later does he speak of discomfort, yet its invasion is occuring. It kind of reminds me of the other uninvited guest we host in our home- epilepsy- invisible until it rears its head, one we are daily dealing with in small ways, wary of in some situations and would prefer to not host, yet it remains. The mental adjustment feels similar as the words become reality and the reality remains invisible to many yet feels heavy on some days and minor on others. Slowly we adjust.
Many small changes are happening. On Saturday a nurse will arrive and teach us to give shots. Shots will be given every other day for ???? and we hope and pray he responds well to a new fluid entering his body to keep the mylon sheath from further deterioation. Fatigue is found at times, so an afterwork rest is a time to recharge for an evening of life together. We have begun to exercise, for it is found to help in many ways, and because we just need to do it. We are talking, reading and praying. We are laughing as the bear throws out "MS moment" when he forgets something- sometimes an excuse, sometimes true brain fog.
We are living today, enjoying today, simplifying our lives to what is important and most needs our time and attention. It feels good to slow down a bit. Life is a journey and we move forward to new adventures, not all of our choosing but knowing that it is filtered through eternal hands we move forward. I am learning to stretch, grow and try new things, so , let the shooting begin!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
another punch in the gut
Small cracks, over doors, diagonally traveling.... what can this mean? doors sticking, unsticking, hope its just the weather. pencil marks and dates are found throughout the house, watching the cracks, hoping for no new lines. A few patched only to return.... sadly they do. Recently some grew and so we again had to take off the blinders and face reality. Foundation issues. significant issues.
Today the moving house guy came- he has worked on a neighbors house, and was a known entity so he was the first to call- not sure if there will be another or not. A walk through and short crawl under the house revealed many reasons for cracks developing. Engineered trusses and I beams are not what they were hoped for... now we shall get to support the local economy. Oh how weary I feel today. The details are still to come, Insurance does not cover poor workmanship.
And so again I look to my Heavenly Father is despair and need. He who protected another of His children allowed this house to be a platform for ministry and life. He shall give us wisdom and help us discern the next path of attack. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, he can tell disease to leave and it goes- just as a king directs His troops. So too He can provide ... oh may He be glorified in this season of our life, may it not be for naught.
......
A few days later I am again living today... for I can not borrow or handle tomorrow today. And today was Home Show day- we went to see what foundation folks had to offer. 5 booths, many similar, some that made us wary, others that looked good. We also saw the booth of the one man we had come out, saw the piers he uses and spoke with him a bit. Next week we should get the first proposal- and begin to consider honestly what needs to be done to stabilize the house so it does not roll in on its crawlspace.
Job... the book of a man who suffered, who had live steamroll him. He has been on my mind a bit of recent. MS and foundation issues revealed within days of one another- our world shaken on each account, but again the Lord holds us in the midst of the quake. We are having conversation and dreaming together, looking at life in new ways these days, weighing the days and trusting God a bit more.
This morning the bear spoke of how he and God have had some conversations- and what he has heard is "you are not in control". Oh how often we presume that we are, and then Job moments come to remind us that we truly are not. The question is when we receive the punch that doubles us over and knocks us off our control diaz where do we land who do we look towards?? I am looking to the one who knows tomorrow and holds my hand through today.
Today the moving house guy came- he has worked on a neighbors house, and was a known entity so he was the first to call- not sure if there will be another or not. A walk through and short crawl under the house revealed many reasons for cracks developing. Engineered trusses and I beams are not what they were hoped for... now we shall get to support the local economy. Oh how weary I feel today. The details are still to come, Insurance does not cover poor workmanship.
And so again I look to my Heavenly Father is despair and need. He who protected another of His children allowed this house to be a platform for ministry and life. He shall give us wisdom and help us discern the next path of attack. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, he can tell disease to leave and it goes- just as a king directs His troops. So too He can provide ... oh may He be glorified in this season of our life, may it not be for naught.
......
A few days later I am again living today... for I can not borrow or handle tomorrow today. And today was Home Show day- we went to see what foundation folks had to offer. 5 booths, many similar, some that made us wary, others that looked good. We also saw the booth of the one man we had come out, saw the piers he uses and spoke with him a bit. Next week we should get the first proposal- and begin to consider honestly what needs to be done to stabilize the house so it does not roll in on its crawlspace.
Job... the book of a man who suffered, who had live steamroll him. He has been on my mind a bit of recent. MS and foundation issues revealed within days of one another- our world shaken on each account, but again the Lord holds us in the midst of the quake. We are having conversation and dreaming together, looking at life in new ways these days, weighing the days and trusting God a bit more.
This morning the bear spoke of how he and God have had some conversations- and what he has heard is "you are not in control". Oh how often we presume that we are, and then Job moments come to remind us that we truly are not. The question is when we receive the punch that doubles us over and knocks us off our control diaz where do we land who do we look towards?? I am looking to the one who knows tomorrow and holds my hand through today.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
waiting quietly
It is hard to wait, especially for a doing person like me. It is hard for me to settle and sit and dwell. Of recent I have not had any handwork to keep my fingers occupied with stitching or knitting needles clacking. I feel a bit lost, but have turned to puzzle books- starting to understand sudoku a bit. I search for something to occupy.
Today I find myself looking for distractions to turn my thoughts from the what if's to other occupations. My healthy bear who plugs along is having some weird stuff go on in his face. Floaties in the eyes, flashing of lights last week. Doc said its normal and just part of aging. This weekend it was a numb face, and slowly the numbness spreading a bit each day. Yesterday doc appt. Today fasting bloodwork and MRI. And we wait. Thursday afternoon is the next doctor appt- with a neuro doc and hopefully answers or assurances.
The internet is a blessing and a bother. All the world available at your fingertips to inform and confound the reader. A search of numb face can give you thoughts of virus, bells' palsy all the way to MS and / or brain tumor. Hmm what would we chose, do we get a choice?? could it be simple or will it turn out to be complicated??
And that hits it- am I willing to forget the worry, the owning what is not mine to own and trust in the midst of the wait? Am I willing to rest in the One who loves my Bear much more than I do? Am I willing to walk in faith that nothing comes into our lives but that the hand of the Lord has allowed and will use for our good? I am trying. Easy, no. Doable- when I keep my eyes on the One who loves us the most. So I shall wait, quilt a bit, teach a few lessons, watch some movies, live life and soon enough Thursday will come, the doc will have his say and we will continue to live life.
-----
Time has passed, two appointments later-its not brain tumor or stroke- yeah! Still no definitive answers, we continue to wait for hoped for changes after vitamin and steroid shots, wait for appointments for more tests and more followup visit, waiting surrounded by friends and their prayers that the bears face will no longer be numb. That answers for the why and what will be answered. We wait for a greater understanding of strange symptoms that continue to linger. As time goes by we are settling into a sort of peace and waiting. Life has invaded again helping to put us back into a bit of normal pace amidst a bit of unbalance.
Today I find myself looking for distractions to turn my thoughts from the what if's to other occupations. My healthy bear who plugs along is having some weird stuff go on in his face. Floaties in the eyes, flashing of lights last week. Doc said its normal and just part of aging. This weekend it was a numb face, and slowly the numbness spreading a bit each day. Yesterday doc appt. Today fasting bloodwork and MRI. And we wait. Thursday afternoon is the next doctor appt- with a neuro doc and hopefully answers or assurances.
The internet is a blessing and a bother. All the world available at your fingertips to inform and confound the reader. A search of numb face can give you thoughts of virus, bells' palsy all the way to MS and / or brain tumor. Hmm what would we chose, do we get a choice?? could it be simple or will it turn out to be complicated??
And that hits it- am I willing to forget the worry, the owning what is not mine to own and trust in the midst of the wait? Am I willing to rest in the One who loves my Bear much more than I do? Am I willing to walk in faith that nothing comes into our lives but that the hand of the Lord has allowed and will use for our good? I am trying. Easy, no. Doable- when I keep my eyes on the One who loves us the most. So I shall wait, quilt a bit, teach a few lessons, watch some movies, live life and soon enough Thursday will come, the doc will have his say and we will continue to live life.
-----
Time has passed, two appointments later-its not brain tumor or stroke- yeah! Still no definitive answers, we continue to wait for hoped for changes after vitamin and steroid shots, wait for appointments for more tests and more followup visit, waiting surrounded by friends and their prayers that the bears face will no longer be numb. That answers for the why and what will be answered. We wait for a greater understanding of strange symptoms that continue to linger. As time goes by we are settling into a sort of peace and waiting. Life has invaded again helping to put us back into a bit of normal pace amidst a bit of unbalance.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
where did the time go?
I clicked on the blog and found that I had not posted since October- how could that be??? hmmm what filled my life??
Three weeks of October were dedicated to taking the mildew moldy kitchen to its foundation and then building it back to a useable, clean space- my how our knees and old bones ached after all the tile was laid. What a sense of accomplishment came after the final board was laid on the support joists- reinforced and the floor now solid. Not only for us but for the whole neighborhood that pitched in. What an outpouring of support and donation of time we experienced. We had laborors, dish and laundry fairies, food donators - where there was a need it was met in ways only God could orchestrate! What fun to share life with friends and neighbors and to see chaos become order. Joists, subfloor, new plumbing, a bit of rearrranging, rewiring as needed, underlayment and tile. What joy to call the tiling done and done!!! Yipee it was... we were so very weary.
An unexpected blessing amidst the work was getting to know neighbors we'd had little contact with. Johnny and Darlene have entered our life and we are blessed. We enjoyed breakfast recently and ahead is a trip to the mountain and campouts and ???? what fun amidst life to discover more life ahead!
November was a month of rest and recovery as we settled into temporary kitchen aka camp in the kitchen. My hubby made amazing temporary vanity and kitchen sink stands so we could enjoy running water and dishes in our sink, rather than the porch or in the sink while we awaited new cabinets and coutnertops. I bless the inventor of metal rolling shelves and cardboard grape boxes- the mainstay of my kitchen inventory. We also repurposed what were wall cabinets to floor with tops to help us function.
The cabinet ordering brought new lessons of learning as we found that the 4-6 weeks started when the money was paid yet it takes 2-3 weeks before you can safely hand over the down payment to start the process. I adjusted fire and set my sights on a kitchen together by Feb 14th- if you keep expectations low it helps keep disapointments low as well. Finally all plans were finalized and the clock began. The plaid walls were calmed with cream colored paint and we enjoyed a fresh start to our new kitchen.
December was our month of rest- learning to love rolled up pie crust- easy on the back, not bad on the wallet yet a close to homemade taste and the joy of favorite pies to comfort us through the holidays. I enjoyed ignoring all the "to do's" of the kitchen and lived life, quilted and prepared for holiday life. Slowly and quickly the month passed, we were delighted to wake on Christmas morning to snow all around us. We were blessed to be charged with care of our neighbors horses and chickens and so daily we'd walk over and enjoy the critters and the time among nature.
Without realizing it we have come into 2011- the days have passed amidst much life and adventures- the heating system went out quietly in the night to be discovered mid morning following. We had hoped beyond home for another year, but Heil had done his time and was done in. The new system was installed after a few days of enjoying fires in the firepllace and spaceheaters on loan from friends. We are now taking the heating system for granted again- a blessed state to be in.
And now we are back to kitchen work again. All of a sudden the cabinets were ready to install- our kitchen had to once again be emptied out- oh how I was dreading the task, yet it quickly occurred and even now I am reverseing and replacing items only a few days ago were moved out. The cabinet guys were great- the attention to detail wonderful and they look so nice! I am now sorting items, considering what was easy to live without, what is used only ocassionaly and where each needful item should be placed.
I am delighted with a few of the changes- pullouts for heavy mixers and crockpots in deep cupboards- nice! The pantry cabinet with bifold door was dismantled amidst tearout. In its place is a wonderful 11" deep cupboard built in that now holds my dishes- convenient location and so much more storage that it held previously- seems to be about double the space- the BEST bang for the buck of the whole project. The other great change is the removal of the island, dancing the fridge across the floor and the installation of a penninsula- LOVE IT!! and we are yet to get counters- no more fighting for space with folks as we squeeze by one another.
I find I am weary and a bit overwhelmed, think its time for some boxes and purging of stuff, I 've been reading about simplifying... it is in the midst. I am blessed to be in such a season, will enjoy the joy of it yet knowing all seasons come to an end the end of kitchen suite remodel 2010/11 sure sounds good to me as well.
So 2011- welcome and may allow for God to continue to show up and be glorified in our lives as we live this life called Toney life!
Three weeks of October were dedicated to taking the mildew moldy kitchen to its foundation and then building it back to a useable, clean space- my how our knees and old bones ached after all the tile was laid. What a sense of accomplishment came after the final board was laid on the support joists- reinforced and the floor now solid. Not only for us but for the whole neighborhood that pitched in. What an outpouring of support and donation of time we experienced. We had laborors, dish and laundry fairies, food donators - where there was a need it was met in ways only God could orchestrate! What fun to share life with friends and neighbors and to see chaos become order. Joists, subfloor, new plumbing, a bit of rearrranging, rewiring as needed, underlayment and tile. What joy to call the tiling done and done!!! Yipee it was... we were so very weary.
An unexpected blessing amidst the work was getting to know neighbors we'd had little contact with. Johnny and Darlene have entered our life and we are blessed. We enjoyed breakfast recently and ahead is a trip to the mountain and campouts and ???? what fun amidst life to discover more life ahead!
November was a month of rest and recovery as we settled into temporary kitchen aka camp in the kitchen. My hubby made amazing temporary vanity and kitchen sink stands so we could enjoy running water and dishes in our sink, rather than the porch or in the sink while we awaited new cabinets and coutnertops. I bless the inventor of metal rolling shelves and cardboard grape boxes- the mainstay of my kitchen inventory. We also repurposed what were wall cabinets to floor with tops to help us function.
The cabinet ordering brought new lessons of learning as we found that the 4-6 weeks started when the money was paid yet it takes 2-3 weeks before you can safely hand over the down payment to start the process. I adjusted fire and set my sights on a kitchen together by Feb 14th- if you keep expectations low it helps keep disapointments low as well. Finally all plans were finalized and the clock began. The plaid walls were calmed with cream colored paint and we enjoyed a fresh start to our new kitchen.
December was our month of rest- learning to love rolled up pie crust- easy on the back, not bad on the wallet yet a close to homemade taste and the joy of favorite pies to comfort us through the holidays. I enjoyed ignoring all the "to do's" of the kitchen and lived life, quilted and prepared for holiday life. Slowly and quickly the month passed, we were delighted to wake on Christmas morning to snow all around us. We were blessed to be charged with care of our neighbors horses and chickens and so daily we'd walk over and enjoy the critters and the time among nature.
Without realizing it we have come into 2011- the days have passed amidst much life and adventures- the heating system went out quietly in the night to be discovered mid morning following. We had hoped beyond home for another year, but Heil had done his time and was done in. The new system was installed after a few days of enjoying fires in the firepllace and spaceheaters on loan from friends. We are now taking the heating system for granted again- a blessed state to be in.
And now we are back to kitchen work again. All of a sudden the cabinets were ready to install- our kitchen had to once again be emptied out- oh how I was dreading the task, yet it quickly occurred and even now I am reverseing and replacing items only a few days ago were moved out. The cabinet guys were great- the attention to detail wonderful and they look so nice! I am now sorting items, considering what was easy to live without, what is used only ocassionaly and where each needful item should be placed.
I am delighted with a few of the changes- pullouts for heavy mixers and crockpots in deep cupboards- nice! The pantry cabinet with bifold door was dismantled amidst tearout. In its place is a wonderful 11" deep cupboard built in that now holds my dishes- convenient location and so much more storage that it held previously- seems to be about double the space- the BEST bang for the buck of the whole project. The other great change is the removal of the island, dancing the fridge across the floor and the installation of a penninsula- LOVE IT!! and we are yet to get counters- no more fighting for space with folks as we squeeze by one another.
I find I am weary and a bit overwhelmed, think its time for some boxes and purging of stuff, I 've been reading about simplifying... it is in the midst. I am blessed to be in such a season, will enjoy the joy of it yet knowing all seasons come to an end the end of kitchen suite remodel 2010/11 sure sounds good to me as well.
So 2011- welcome and may allow for God to continue to show up and be glorified in our lives as we live this life called Toney life!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Waking to the sound of a power tool
It is 644 am and a few minutes ago I awoke to the sound of a power tool. Work, work, hard grueling work has been happening here. A smell of mildew, dishwasher leak, floor replacement turned into reframing the support under the kitchen,bath and laundry with plumbing changes and some major structural support addition. all discovered along the way to changing the floor out to be rid of wet wood. Along the way more wet wood discovered and today mold behind exterior wall drywall awaits us.
We live a life of ease, most of the time, until it is time to work on the house. Now we eat on the front porch, which I am so glad for. The pantry and cupboards are spread through the back porch,dining room and all the way into my room. and the sound of power tools and hammers is continual.
Small errors ignored, short cuts and cob jobs revealed bring forth more work. Injuries are quickly dealt with as fingers and skin get owwies and the men who are true men press on, working,sweating and encouraging one another for the job that is ahead. how blessed we are to have guys that embrace our painful situation with us. Who have the vision to tear up the floor and put terra firma beneath. who ache and hurt but do not allow that to sway them to leave. and in this day of "i deserve" they do it out of care and concern and not the greenback- for the insurance funds will cover materials, if we are fortunate.
It is not often that folks in middle class america work so hard, that we have opportunity to enjoy the community that comes with hard labor. this week it is happening at our house. Young men are getting a chance to learn life skills and watch men be men and work hard.
another trip to the box store that has it all is on the horizon, time to get the paper and pen and make the list. another day of work lies ahead.
We live a life of ease, most of the time, until it is time to work on the house. Now we eat on the front porch, which I am so glad for. The pantry and cupboards are spread through the back porch,dining room and all the way into my room. and the sound of power tools and hammers is continual.
Small errors ignored, short cuts and cob jobs revealed bring forth more work. Injuries are quickly dealt with as fingers and skin get owwies and the men who are true men press on, working,sweating and encouraging one another for the job that is ahead. how blessed we are to have guys that embrace our painful situation with us. Who have the vision to tear up the floor and put terra firma beneath. who ache and hurt but do not allow that to sway them to leave. and in this day of "i deserve" they do it out of care and concern and not the greenback- for the insurance funds will cover materials, if we are fortunate.
It is not often that folks in middle class america work so hard, that we have opportunity to enjoy the community that comes with hard labor. this week it is happening at our house. Young men are getting a chance to learn life skills and watch men be men and work hard.
another trip to the box store that has it all is on the horizon, time to get the paper and pen and make the list. another day of work lies ahead.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Worn and weary
The past few weeks have been full of life - school prep, home repairs and travel. All good, well all of the outcome has been good,yet sometimes the journey has been hard. Now as we settle into a new normal for the fall I find that I am weary, worn out, and I have wondered why.... and then I think back to all that life has held and I begin to realize thata journey with lack of downtime leaves one worn and weary.
As our hot water once again heated up- to scalding my prayer rose to heaven ... God could you please end this season? His clock seemed to indicate it was time for after a week of stressful coping once again, with tempermental hotwater heater an agreement with manufacturer came forth. They would take back their 3rd heater, and give us a refund, we would leave them alone and our huge file would be closed. A local plumber quickly came and made the exchange and the season of tempermental instant hot water heater has ended. We rejoice in the answered prayer and provision. We rejoice to have hot water without thought again. We rejoice to not be wasting our time, energy and thought on hot water heaters that should not be failing and yet are. This is our 4th hot water heater in as many years.
We have spent time visiting friends on the East coast in the past weeks. What fun to reconnect, share life and dream with them of future hopes. Some longing for the pattering of little feet through adoption, others looking for new normal to settle amidst job changes, one longing for health to return and another looking to the future as he transitions to a new location and vocation. We rejoiced at the returning of a solider, enjoying a day by the airfield and the reality of the sacrifice and service of our military families. God walks beside them and in the midst of their lives... we rejoiced at the way He gave height and strength to one for future use and the early return of a loved one. Relationship time... lots of it, so much that I found myself weary and wondering if I was repeating the same stories to the same friends. Yet what fun to cook with a friend who I once started on the path to using a crockpot and baking a cake, a sweet fruit of past labors.
Time was spent in travel and touring our nations capital- amazing was the architecture and beauty as well as the volume of people and the sacrifices made that we take so lightly. It was fun to take our youngest to places he has read about, to see monuments of men we have come to esteem after hearing their stories of sacrifice and commitment. We rejoiced at the ease of travel with a metro system and the delight it was to ride what is norm to many, yet a treat to us.
Home again to the destruction of two kittens.... oh how quickly one forgets what life with kittens can be like. We have two- double the fun or mischief. While away they won the battle of the wreath- what a great source of play toys are the fake flowers for the picking! Since then pin cushions, safety pin bins and many other quick toy resources have had to be restricted. They still may pluck a nut at will for a new toy to scoot about the rug. Home to home cooked food, school starting, daily chores and a garden to clean up, deweed and harvest.
And so goes life, full of sweet memories, full of delight and yet wearying at the same time. Many beds do not always make for restful sleep always. the other night I realized I was using the "other" pillow and now better sleep comes. All part of life... joyous and taxing, rich, delightful and active.
And so in the midst of this season of busyness I found myself surfing the internet, visiting a blog and finding a sanctuary- or maybe a portal to sanctuary. A blog that encourages contemplation, slowing down, simplifying. Taking time to sit with the Lord, to reflect upon His bounty, taste of His sweet spirit to seek to connect with Him, the creator of all and the nurturer of my soul. I am drawn in. I looked around a bit found a network of blogs that seek to (in)courage women and later another grouping that desires to walk through the work of life with one another that we might glorify God in our dailiness. I am convicted by my lack of dwelling, my lack of sitting at the feet of the One who rests my soul. I choose to make the short journey there, and I feel the refreshment as I enter in.
So like a weary traveler I am home again. Slowing down my pace, taking time to rest on the back porch, seeking time at the feet of the source of life. To slow down on commitments, turning off autopilot as much as possible. To rest, to restore, to enjoy and consider and dwell. I am finding blessing in this slower pace, in more communion and less doing, doing, doing.
And so I am entering a season of rest- pausing to refresh and reflect and listen anew to the creator.
a few days ago while driving a group of deer were crossing the road. one made the journey across, another backtracked. the fawn sought its mother and then rejoicing in life romped about momma. More energy and joy to be spent the fawn raced in figure 8's around momma a few times, in and out of the woods. A treat of nature we had not seen before, and was a delight to behold. it would have been easily missed had I chosen to just continue to drive, but the willingness to slow down and enjoy the created creature reaped a special treat.
May you find a quiet place to catch up to yourself amidst the pace of this life. to seek the Savior, contemplate His truths and allow His peace to permiate your life.
As our hot water once again heated up- to scalding my prayer rose to heaven ... God could you please end this season? His clock seemed to indicate it was time for after a week of stressful coping once again, with tempermental hotwater heater an agreement with manufacturer came forth. They would take back their 3rd heater, and give us a refund, we would leave them alone and our huge file would be closed. A local plumber quickly came and made the exchange and the season of tempermental instant hot water heater has ended. We rejoice in the answered prayer and provision. We rejoice to have hot water without thought again. We rejoice to not be wasting our time, energy and thought on hot water heaters that should not be failing and yet are. This is our 4th hot water heater in as many years.
We have spent time visiting friends on the East coast in the past weeks. What fun to reconnect, share life and dream with them of future hopes. Some longing for the pattering of little feet through adoption, others looking for new normal to settle amidst job changes, one longing for health to return and another looking to the future as he transitions to a new location and vocation. We rejoiced at the returning of a solider, enjoying a day by the airfield and the reality of the sacrifice and service of our military families. God walks beside them and in the midst of their lives... we rejoiced at the way He gave height and strength to one for future use and the early return of a loved one. Relationship time... lots of it, so much that I found myself weary and wondering if I was repeating the same stories to the same friends. Yet what fun to cook with a friend who I once started on the path to using a crockpot and baking a cake, a sweet fruit of past labors.
Time was spent in travel and touring our nations capital- amazing was the architecture and beauty as well as the volume of people and the sacrifices made that we take so lightly. It was fun to take our youngest to places he has read about, to see monuments of men we have come to esteem after hearing their stories of sacrifice and commitment. We rejoiced at the ease of travel with a metro system and the delight it was to ride what is norm to many, yet a treat to us.
Home again to the destruction of two kittens.... oh how quickly one forgets what life with kittens can be like. We have two- double the fun or mischief. While away they won the battle of the wreath- what a great source of play toys are the fake flowers for the picking! Since then pin cushions, safety pin bins and many other quick toy resources have had to be restricted. They still may pluck a nut at will for a new toy to scoot about the rug. Home to home cooked food, school starting, daily chores and a garden to clean up, deweed and harvest.
And so goes life, full of sweet memories, full of delight and yet wearying at the same time. Many beds do not always make for restful sleep always. the other night I realized I was using the "other" pillow and now better sleep comes. All part of life... joyous and taxing, rich, delightful and active.
And so in the midst of this season of busyness I found myself surfing the internet, visiting a blog and finding a sanctuary- or maybe a portal to sanctuary. A blog that encourages contemplation, slowing down, simplifying. Taking time to sit with the Lord, to reflect upon His bounty, taste of His sweet spirit to seek to connect with Him, the creator of all and the nurturer of my soul. I am drawn in. I looked around a bit found a network of blogs that seek to (in)courage women and later another grouping that desires to walk through the work of life with one another that we might glorify God in our dailiness. I am convicted by my lack of dwelling, my lack of sitting at the feet of the One who rests my soul. I choose to make the short journey there, and I feel the refreshment as I enter in.
So like a weary traveler I am home again. Slowing down my pace, taking time to rest on the back porch, seeking time at the feet of the source of life. To slow down on commitments, turning off autopilot as much as possible. To rest, to restore, to enjoy and consider and dwell. I am finding blessing in this slower pace, in more communion and less doing, doing, doing.
And so I am entering a season of rest- pausing to refresh and reflect and listen anew to the creator.
a few days ago while driving a group of deer were crossing the road. one made the journey across, another backtracked. the fawn sought its mother and then rejoicing in life romped about momma. More energy and joy to be spent the fawn raced in figure 8's around momma a few times, in and out of the woods. A treat of nature we had not seen before, and was a delight to behold. it would have been easily missed had I chosen to just continue to drive, but the willingness to slow down and enjoy the created creature reaped a special treat.
May you find a quiet place to catch up to yourself amidst the pace of this life. to seek the Savior, contemplate His truths and allow His peace to permiate your life.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
simple things can be so hard
This morning I caused some brain cells to burn. The assignment was to create the letter C with upside down cups- on the floor- spaced so you can dribble between them. Simple? maybe, maybe not.
the "c" started out more like an O, then a bit heavy on the bottom, snuggled close to the island. the ball was dribbled, but then it took over and skooted a cup across the floor. Then the island jumped in the way. thoughts of enlarging the C were not within my boy. Earlier we had enlarged and dialogued about how and why with two other letters. Frustration rose and the word hard was used many times.
Again enlarging was demonstrated and talked about and then dribbling through was completed with greater ease. He was worn out. 3 letter, 15 cups and a ball- enough to challenge the brain some days.
And so life goes here, some tasks simple, some tasks simply too much to process and execute without great challenge and frustration. If only I fully understood what it is to walk in his shoes, with his brain struggles. Compassion continues to grow within me as I live alongside many who struggle with large and small "issues" and life events.
So often judgement comes fast and first without ever considering the story behind the person. Covers do a good job of just that - covering up what lies within... stories take time and trust. so much lies beneath a cover- more than the presenting activity, there is depth and history.
Oh to take the time to understand and walk beside, modeling, teaching and encouraging as the brain burns new pathways to success. slowly we shall master this new challenge just as we have other "hard" things that are now easy.
the "c" started out more like an O, then a bit heavy on the bottom, snuggled close to the island. the ball was dribbled, but then it took over and skooted a cup across the floor. Then the island jumped in the way. thoughts of enlarging the C were not within my boy. Earlier we had enlarged and dialogued about how and why with two other letters. Frustration rose and the word hard was used many times.
Again enlarging was demonstrated and talked about and then dribbling through was completed with greater ease. He was worn out. 3 letter, 15 cups and a ball- enough to challenge the brain some days.
And so life goes here, some tasks simple, some tasks simply too much to process and execute without great challenge and frustration. If only I fully understood what it is to walk in his shoes, with his brain struggles. Compassion continues to grow within me as I live alongside many who struggle with large and small "issues" and life events.
So often judgement comes fast and first without ever considering the story behind the person. Covers do a good job of just that - covering up what lies within... stories take time and trust. so much lies beneath a cover- more than the presenting activity, there is depth and history.
Oh to take the time to understand and walk beside, modeling, teaching and encouraging as the brain burns new pathways to success. slowly we shall master this new challenge just as we have other "hard" things that are now easy.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
ARt FuN dAy
Tomorrow is Art fUn dAY!! It is sure to be fun.
I have had this idea for a few years.... Art on the Porch. Art fun day is my trial run of this idea. Last week we had a fun time playing with art stuff together. Tomorrow more families are joining us. The neighbor girl is earning entrance by being a gofer for me in the morning. It looked that fun from afar last week that she did not want to miss out. I think others felt the same way as they are returning.
Tonight as I look at the numbers 14 parents and at least 30 kids I am wondering what was I thinking??? Fun... mess... creativity. using up supplies.
I was remembering all the days at Helderberg Workshop as a girl where I am sure I attended on scholarship... daycamp at its finest. Bussed to a school campus and allowed to immerse myself in creative things for hours.... a bit of heaven on earth.
Summer is here again and I know how long the days can be... how boring they can get without the normal structure of life. So we are adding a bit of variety to our days and thinking forward even now of if we should do this again and again... Art on the POrch?! sounds like fun to me.
Tomorrow the kids will paint t shirts, carve soap or plaster/vermiculite, paint with tempra and or create with wood scraps. Not the norm for at home art projects...just as I like it; hands on and a bit messy.
And in the midst of all that moms will share life, kids will "socialize" and community will be built. folks will leave richer for the time given to others and the service given to one another- that is the ticket- parents serving to help pull this all off. After all arrive and directed mine is the easy part, circulate and guide. The moms and dads runs the stations as the kids are busy creating.
it is fun to see an idea start to come together, start to form and learn what works and what needs tweeking as you work the idea into fruition. I am blessed to have this opportunity and the resources to share with others.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thoughts I never considered that would occur
Another call last night..10:35pm; " I think S is having a seizure", the scramble for clothing and the dash up the stairs to find our son in the midst of a brainstorm. Part of life, stuff we deal with yet never simple and never totally "normal".
How can it be normal to see your child "gone" and the body taking over, seemingly with a will of its own. To see a body in unnatural contortions and manners, to see the vacant stare as you count the minutes. As a parent you wonder when will this one stop? what caused it? what needs to change? To realize, again that you are not in control, and cannot truly control the life and breathe of your child. To recall that the one you birthed is truly in the hands of his Creator. To trust that He has numbered your child's days and pray that the number is much greater than what he has lived thus far.
And the minutes tick, as the brain does its dance, the dance floor being your child's body. The moves shift and change, not always following a set choreography. Unexpected moves bring about new concerns or sighs and hopes that this dance will soon stop. Questions are in our mind, as the clock ticks and the dance continues, should we make a call? why did we not stock the drug to call a sudden stop to this brainstorm dance. And the dance goes on, seeming to increase in passion. And then with a sigh it is over. A body rolled over and a head lifted that tells me that my child is back.
Sweet is the fellowship and communion between parent and child in the moments declared to be "post ictal". The hearts of these parents breathed a sigh of relief that their child has returned to rule over his brain. That the boy that brings such delight is now with us again and we cope together with the life that we live together. Sleep soon will come, but not before we pray and thank God for life, for health and the days ahead.
Who knew when the word epilepsy was first spoken that such thoughts and experiences would come, I sure didn't. Life is always full of surprises, adventures and opportunities to live dependent, trusting God to care all of us in the midst of life. That trust has helped us to walk through this journey for alone I think the journey would be much more of a challenge.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Amazed again
God works in lives in different ways. For some he gives the gift of music, to others wisdom, service, teaching. For some there is a gifting to work with youth, babies or lead mission trips. For many years I had a family member who never struggled to find a job, it was as if God gifted her with employment as time and again His provision was seen with jobs coming out of circumstances unexpectedly.
In my life there are times when I feel like I have a similar blessing- the gift of provision through yard sales and thrift stores. Many times folks have mentioned a need or desire and within days, sometimes within 24 hours I have been able to call and tell them of an available option. Angel needed a printer, the next day one was found for $10. Joy wanted a food processor, it was found for less than $25- for a high end model. Rugs, clothing, swim trunks with built in diaper, zippers, and the list goes on. I tell friends that if they have needs and wants to let me know as I might run across the item they desire.
Rarely do i expect the answer to the need/want. Often I am amazed at the provision because often I have only thought of the need, hardly truly praying for it, but rather just talking in my head. I am overwhelmed some days that God has cared so well for me, for my needs and provisions with such specific provision. It does not make sense to me as I see many in need and see others struggling to meet needs. I understand it not. some tell me that perhaps it is because we are willing to care for others with stuff that stuff is provided to us. perhaps, or perhaps it is just DaddyGod loving in a way that glory can come to Him.
So let me glorify my God... He has done it again. My art class will soon start up again, soon we will have a day of card making so the students can prepare for Valentines Day. In my mind I was thinking of needing to find cards and envelopes- homemade cards are so much better with envelopes that they will fit in. Yesterday I went to a local indoor yardsale and amongst the jumble were two packages of blank cards and envelopes- 100 total for $2! Score! to get that many envelopes at the craft store would have been 5-10x the cost. yeah!
I was a blessed woman, a busy woman and my day got back to "normal". Then my husband asked me to go to a military show with him, not really interested in leaving the house, but wanting to bless him I compromised. I would take care of errands so he did not have to drive to a strange place. I went to a infrequently visited thrift shop. My eyes zeroed in on a slide in stove in the yard. We have a slide in stove, with a downdraft fan- not a typical stove, and not cheap to replace. A few months back the front of our 15yr old stove decided it was time to leave, so it did, promptly. they told me it was thermal blast- all I know is it is gone and looks odd without a handle and front. We love the stove, but didn't really want to spend $1,000 to replace it so that we could continue to have a vent situation.
Back to the yard, the stove was the same brand, downdraft and made in '01. I was told it just came in, part of a remodel job, still works. $50! SCORE!!! I was elated- I almost didn't leave the house, i just thought of making the stop after dropping hubby- never anticipating that I would be buying a new to us stove. And once we got it home the parts of our present stove will fit in this one, so we have spare parts! Amazing- only God could do this ... connect lives and stuff... meet needs and bless so specifically.
God is amazing in so many ways... I am blessed when He does these things. I am thrilled to tell others of how I have seen Him move in my life. Yet, that is not what I delight in the most while following Him, today at church I had time to share that there are many attributes that delight me. I think the character of God and Him being my strong tower are what brings me the most comfort to my heart. I guess generosity is part of that character, it is a joy to be a receipient of as well as a vessel of... a joy to give as well as a joy to receive. It is fun to watch how God works in lives around us- how does He work in your life?? where does He show up that you might glorify him??
Monday, January 11, 2010
Time
Last night I logged on and was surprised at the passing of time since last posting- months in fact.. where did it go? Life lived in 3D is the reality... sometimes life happens and the thought to pause to record and reflect just isnt acted upon and before I realize it months have passed. Rich full months, months of blessing and struggle.
November came with the cool weather and the question of where to spend the turkey day of thanks. The woods is what my prince often opts to. my homebody nature is always reluctant. Our pop-up was totaled this year in a freak accident and the new one had a freak oops on the way to be given the once over, so it was looking iffy, but God had other plans. Mr Persausion caused parts to move where they did not seem to be in movement prior to converstations and we had a pop-up again. The weather warmed and off to the woods we went. A great choice, spoken honestly by this homebody.
Nature again renewed and rejuvenated us. Many folks dropped in for a visit and many for a meal. A blessing of reunion from Iraq days for my bear ( and for me the personal of a loved brother in his "twin"). My son discovered the origin of fireworks- bamboo in the fire goes POP!!! A family that faced TV dinners came instead for smoked bird and treasure hunting and a couple we only see in church were blessed to spend time in nature and continue to consider adding camping to their life again.
December again caused this homebody to shudder. A trip to NY was on my daughters agenda but I was hesitant... the drive, the timing..the... the... the. But a sisters desire and a daughters desire and the reality that this type trip isnt a given every season and we were off. Sweet reunion for my part time daughter Paula with old roomate who hosted us in WVa, much landscape and a few stops to ooh and ahhh and breathe deeply at the wonderful coffee shop in PA. Then to the cabin in the woods we nested for a few days. Snow, sledding, wood stove, pancakes with real maple syrup and other delights from my sweet mom. We knit and visited and had an old fashion christmas with a real tree. Sam played chess and schooled and sled with cousins. I made the rounds to a few V relatives and then on to tour the capital bldg in Albany, we felt the place was ours to enjoy as few were about. We stood in the Senate lobby with ornate "curtains" and velvet seating and enjoyed the craftsmanship about us. We then dined on Equidorian food around my dear sisters table and enjoyed her roomate. The girls then headed to NYC for a few days of snow and city. I spent time knitting and visiting with anothe sister in her new house- had fun dreaming and scheming for the renovations ahead.
As we prepped to travel home I had a sweet surprise, a whisper from the Lord of a friend along the way, 10 years since our last visit. She opened our home to the five of us and we enjoyed sharing life and struggles, a treat from the Lord for both of us as we were reminded that this path of life is not one tha is not shared by others. We arrived home in time to nap repeatedly and have a leisure Christmas with the family +one= wonderful.
Along with memories I brought home a sore arm. My left arm started to ache as I drove west out of NY and was throbbing as we entered PA and OH. Tuesday I hardly drove, it was not feeling well. Holiday medicine are not to be mixed so i dug in my drug stash and after Christmas I went to see the doc. We still aren't sure what happened but I was in pain and muscle relaxaters, anti inflammatory and more pain meds were Rxed. Relief but also reality- I was one armed- no knitting, no quilting, my hyper activity was squashed, much physical activity was unrealistic. Not easy for this busy gal, but I watched TV, did puzzles, rested, read and colored. And my spirit settled and reflected and quieted, good stuff. Slowly the pain has subsided and the muscles are aching less, but wisdom is also reigning that less heavy lifting and movement for a season is in store. I have adjusted and am taking a sabatical from some activities for a bit. I am limiting typing as needed. I am adjusting.
And so our new year has begun. the passing of time continues, often marked only by the calendar. Then this past week I had Sam read, and read, and read. Before he knew it an hour had passed. We had read together for an hour. not a big thing for most... for us a milestone. Time has done what time does, bring growth and change. Slowly, daily, bit by bit fluency has increased and endurance. A few days ago I felt a rumble, over and over... jumping jacks... once beyond understanding were being executed without pause... another sign that time had passed and skill had developed.
Patience is often something I think I have... reality indicates otherwise. Oh, I endure many things beyond what other tolerate but my nature is quick and now... and so I have been blessed with a patience builder. God continues to intersect my life, taking me out of my comfort zone to slow down, try new things and show His glory in the midst of my life. I am able to have moments where I look back in time to appreciate all that has occurred. This week has been one of those, seeing progress, seeing how He has helped this homebody leave home and return home richer for having stepped out.
I am not cured of my homebody nature but slowly I am gaining more reasons for walking beyond my comfort, because each time I do my comfort grows to include a greater base.
November came with the cool weather and the question of where to spend the turkey day of thanks. The woods is what my prince often opts to. my homebody nature is always reluctant. Our pop-up was totaled this year in a freak accident and the new one had a freak oops on the way to be given the once over, so it was looking iffy, but God had other plans. Mr Persausion caused parts to move where they did not seem to be in movement prior to converstations and we had a pop-up again. The weather warmed and off to the woods we went. A great choice, spoken honestly by this homebody.
Nature again renewed and rejuvenated us. Many folks dropped in for a visit and many for a meal. A blessing of reunion from Iraq days for my bear ( and for me the personal of a loved brother in his "twin"). My son discovered the origin of fireworks- bamboo in the fire goes POP!!! A family that faced TV dinners came instead for smoked bird and treasure hunting and a couple we only see in church were blessed to spend time in nature and continue to consider adding camping to their life again.
December again caused this homebody to shudder. A trip to NY was on my daughters agenda but I was hesitant... the drive, the timing..the... the... the. But a sisters desire and a daughters desire and the reality that this type trip isnt a given every season and we were off. Sweet reunion for my part time daughter Paula with old roomate who hosted us in WVa, much landscape and a few stops to ooh and ahhh and breathe deeply at the wonderful coffee shop in PA. Then to the cabin in the woods we nested for a few days. Snow, sledding, wood stove, pancakes with real maple syrup and other delights from my sweet mom. We knit and visited and had an old fashion christmas with a real tree. Sam played chess and schooled and sled with cousins. I made the rounds to a few V relatives and then on to tour the capital bldg in Albany, we felt the place was ours to enjoy as few were about. We stood in the Senate lobby with ornate "curtains" and velvet seating and enjoyed the craftsmanship about us. We then dined on Equidorian food around my dear sisters table and enjoyed her roomate. The girls then headed to NYC for a few days of snow and city. I spent time knitting and visiting with anothe sister in her new house- had fun dreaming and scheming for the renovations ahead.
As we prepped to travel home I had a sweet surprise, a whisper from the Lord of a friend along the way, 10 years since our last visit. She opened our home to the five of us and we enjoyed sharing life and struggles, a treat from the Lord for both of us as we were reminded that this path of life is not one tha is not shared by others. We arrived home in time to nap repeatedly and have a leisure Christmas with the family +one= wonderful.
Along with memories I brought home a sore arm. My left arm started to ache as I drove west out of NY and was throbbing as we entered PA and OH. Tuesday I hardly drove, it was not feeling well. Holiday medicine are not to be mixed so i dug in my drug stash and after Christmas I went to see the doc. We still aren't sure what happened but I was in pain and muscle relaxaters, anti inflammatory and more pain meds were Rxed. Relief but also reality- I was one armed- no knitting, no quilting, my hyper activity was squashed, much physical activity was unrealistic. Not easy for this busy gal, but I watched TV, did puzzles, rested, read and colored. And my spirit settled and reflected and quieted, good stuff. Slowly the pain has subsided and the muscles are aching less, but wisdom is also reigning that less heavy lifting and movement for a season is in store. I have adjusted and am taking a sabatical from some activities for a bit. I am limiting typing as needed. I am adjusting.
And so our new year has begun. the passing of time continues, often marked only by the calendar. Then this past week I had Sam read, and read, and read. Before he knew it an hour had passed. We had read together for an hour. not a big thing for most... for us a milestone. Time has done what time does, bring growth and change. Slowly, daily, bit by bit fluency has increased and endurance. A few days ago I felt a rumble, over and over... jumping jacks... once beyond understanding were being executed without pause... another sign that time had passed and skill had developed.
Patience is often something I think I have... reality indicates otherwise. Oh, I endure many things beyond what other tolerate but my nature is quick and now... and so I have been blessed with a patience builder. God continues to intersect my life, taking me out of my comfort zone to slow down, try new things and show His glory in the midst of my life. I am able to have moments where I look back in time to appreciate all that has occurred. This week has been one of those, seeing progress, seeing how He has helped this homebody leave home and return home richer for having stepped out.
I am not cured of my homebody nature but slowly I am gaining more reasons for walking beyond my comfort, because each time I do my comfort grows to include a greater base.
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