Tuesday, April 17, 2012

grieving for my perenniel

Several weeks ago I found myself in tears with  a  dear friend.  She was tearing up with memories of her love departing.  I teared up from the fresh grief i was  living with.  She spoke of how she had ten years to prepare for K's departure for they knew his illness would end with parting, and yet it was so unexpected.  I have had almost 21 to prepare for my girl to launch and yet that week had been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. 

this morning i awoke with the thought of a bird beating against a cage.  watching such activity is hard o the eyes and the heart.  one who longs to soar and has sights beyond their present limits but is still trying to fly within their limited space.  even as 'peace, be still" was spoken, and yet the inner turmoil seemed too great to settle the heart that was full of unrest.  watching a dear one wrestle and struggle and react rather than slow down to consider and respond well has been challenging.  we have had moments of settling and what looked like a return to normal flight patterns and then once again the pressing of limits and flying without reguard to the flight tower counsel would continue.  clouded vision seemed to cause all things to be interpreted on a different plane than those who stood further back.

And so as seasons go we have once again found ourself in a new season. Just as I once anticipated parenting Sam would look one way but it has turned out quite differently, in this season my anticipation has not been much like my hopes and dreams.  And with that dissappointment has come some anger and feeling of being cheated of what I might reap. Ffor now it is hard to see the hidden harvest, but i am hopeful for a later harvest.  i just don't see it blooming this week or this month.  Perhaps a perenniel plan is what i have been investing in, not the showy annuals that spring up and last for a season, perenniels are planted and give us long service and enjoyment for years.  some years they come up differently than anticipated, and then the following year they return to normal patterns.

So, as my bird has flown the coop, launched herself into independent adult living, I now wander the cage she left behind.  it has been stripped of all that she was, a closet and a few bookcases remain of her belongings.  this homne that has not felt like a home to her is adjusting to less members.  we know we cannot hold back adulthood, and so she went, sadly not with our joy and delight and anticipation of what would lie ahead.  Rather it was a sudden departure with only moments notice of its reality in our lives, and then it was. so, we find ourselves prayng and storming heaven that she will find protectin and wisdom amidst the many lessons that adult living brings.

Last night as we escaped the all too quiet house, with the blessed distraction of errands and I found my stomach turn as I ate at a favorite place, i realized that this grief thing will take a bit of time to work thought.  we are in the midst of a season of change, which means letting go of old and growing new.  i told my dear one that i am trying to find my footing.  i am thinking of what this new season will allow, anticipating some of the freedoms to come for us.  i am also seeing that open palms make for great landing spots for birds in flight.

so as the tears come in the days ahead, as i am sure they will, for it seems that my heart was restocked with a large tank last week, i will grieve, pray and cast my eyes to the future.  for now, the new flight patterns may hold joy, but just as this is a season of change for me, it is for her as well, and familiar places are often returned to for comfort and remewal.  so, as I tend the perenniels around me, I will pray for my birdie and trust God to care for her as she explores other gardens.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Changes and transformations

We are in the midst of a season of change here in Toney.  It comes at us all around- children, cars and surroundings.  Change is good, change is hard, change is character building and makes me Christ dependent.  Some days I am overwhelmed and undone, some days I delight in the new possibilities.

Months ago I casaully mentioned to a friend that if they ever wanted to sell their well cared for Camry let us know.  we received a call last month and now own this car- a delight, a good change.  It answered the question of what to do with our "zippy" car- a nissan 240sx that the Mr has been falling into and crawling out of in an effort to save gas.  All that was good, the no a/c not so much.  Zippy is now on the market and we hope the man who longs for it enough to offer more than asking so that we would hold it will soon arrive and take it home. 

A few years ago I saw the writing on the wall that our time was limited with our older children.  Like a slow ticking clock the months and years have passed and the time of departure has drawn closer and come to pass for some.  This week our oldest will move out, thus leaving only one child at home.  We have rejoiced and cheered on some moves, others have been harder to bear, change can be melencholic - sometimes a high, sometimes a low.  We work on leveling out as each settles into young adult living on their own.  We settle into praying for each by name nightly around the dinner table as they spread to the north and south of the US and soon enough some will cross the globe to serve the needs of the soldiers and another may soon be a Marine on duty in remote places. 

As news of rooms emptying began my brain engaged in dreaming of new uses for spaces.  There was anxiousness for change, yet a desire to linger in what was at the same time.  Eventually it occurred to me that I could move forward in each season, as needs arose.  Last week a green room became blue- more neutral, calming and covering where each hole and freshening the space.  We anticipated a new resident to move in, but soon word came that the eldest was on his way to far off adventure and when choice was given the tan room with "cool lights" trumped the new blue room.  So the future guest room is now serving as a temporary room - the boy is like goldilocks as to which bed he will sleep in.  Last night we changed what has been the boys room for 6 + years into a living space.  Futon was installed, wall unit was turned and transformed into room divider and again transformed this morning into a quilt design wall on its backside.  Slowly pictures are going up and I am contemplating how each piece of furniture will work where and how.  Fun changes, simplifying, spreading out and giving dedicated space for interests to be pursued.  I continue to consider and dream of what is ahead for that space.  This weekend it will be the temporary guest room, next week it may well find itself to be my sewing space and a den....

So as I seek the feet of Christ to keep me soft and pliable, willing to embrace this season of change I find the adjustments easier.  When i center on me alone, the cracks come, the sense of loss is heavier, the joy is missed.  This is a season we knew would come, we hopefully prepared the kinder for, and there is much delight as they launch well.  There is delight in the changes we are int he midst of and the ones that lie ahead.  And i find that unexpectedly i am being transformed in the midst of letting go, of releasing, or trusting.  I guess that is the most unexpected part of the changes- i know they were happening, i just did not exxpect there to be change within.