Monday, October 31, 2011

Letting loneliness rule

We hear of folks being lonely, we all know the pain of it to one degree or another. Wounding happens to us all, but sometimes those wounds penetrate deep and scar deeply. Today I heard the pain in a friend's voice, tales of friendships that are no longer, tales of unspoken and not understood abandonment. Pain that loomed so large that leaving seemed a better option than enduring.

Thankfully not enough pills were taken to complete the mission. Sadly the pain was endured, and being alone and the lack of connection perpetuates the lie that others don't care. My heart cries for this dear sweet soul that was created in a special, simpler way. Family does not embrace this one well, life is often lived alone or with peers as friends and family. Distance separates us so I could not hug a neck and give the gift of touch. Happily hospitals are thoughtful to offer a modern option- e-cards! I was able to send one and as we spoke on the phone, the voice was lifted with joy-someone cared enough to send a card.

Oh how often do our words have power that we don't understand? How often do we consider the widows, orphans and ignored ones that the Lord watches from afar? Oh that we would be aware of those who dwell in the shadows, that we speak words of love and care. Oh that I would act on thoughts of contact and not just think them. That I would shore up those whom dwell in lonely places with prayer.

Tonight I am dwelling, praying for my friend, that hope and healing would come with the dawn and courage to face the day would renew within daily.

Friday, October 21, 2011

What does MS look like to me?

What does the face of MS look like to me right now? 

Change- lots of changes going on- change of routine, change of diet, change of what is normal, change of thinking, change of priorities.  Who moved my cheese?  MS did...... so I am getting use to sniffing out the scent of the cheese to find a new normal. 

Live Today- I an no longer sure what today may hold- it may be typical, normal and routine or it may have the added factor of a numbness, foginess or fatigue thrown in just because its that kind of day.  We are learning to rejoice in each day, life in each day and enjoy whatever it may hold.

Fatigue- such an unfamiliar visitor to our life until recent.  When the Bear comes home and needs a nap after work I know you have come to visit.  When sitting and vegging is about all he can do, I know you are the guider of our day.  You are unfamiliar to my once workaholic man.  You are a stranger to the one who can chainsaw for hours with great delight, but now you stop his normal, causing us to find a new normal.  Naps become part of the agenda and its ok; just part of the season of life we walk in for now.

Exercise- the dreaded, avoided and ignored activity that has plagued me for years because I never engaged.  Now you are my friend- you give me strength, renew my energy and lift my spirits.  I am learning to look forward to the audiobook or music of the session.  I am seeing the benefit to me, as a caregiver, and to the bear as he fights to keep muscle tone and strength. 

Simplify- when life causes you to stop and look anew, simplicity becomes a desired goal.  We have begun to evaluate and eliminate.  Proritiies have been shifted and we continue to adjust our life to our words and thoughts of what is truly important.  The stuff that once was so important isnt quite so valuable.  Simple things, spending time and enjoying moments together have risen higher on our agenda.

Priorities- where once the job was the priority all of a sudden health, well being and family have risen to the top.  When faced with an unknown outcome, our vision is cleared and some of the fog of "status quo" and "keeping up" and "everyone does it" show their colors and we start to see again.  Family time, loving well, making memories,  and relationships - priorities to be pursued as we walk through this MS thing.

Grief- the sadness of the unknown.  The fear of what MS looked life in the life of those from my past.  The uncertainty of what lies ahead.  The frustration of no longer being able to do what once was done withouth thought, or not having energy where it was never an issue.  Many griefs, each come and go as they are lived and experienced. I find that at times it comes in waves or laps, then i shake myself, grieve and give it over to the God of the univers who has allowed this season to be filtered through his hands of love and care, and settle in to live another day beside the one I love. 

Green smoothies, shots and supplements- our first book read about MS was Minding Your Mitochondria- the idea of a diet change helping battle MS was exciting.  We bought a juicer and began to juice then  switched to green smoothies.  Not sure how it is helping, but it sure does not seem to be hurting.  As the Bear drops pounds that need to be shed and his body systems work well we are finding a good part of the formula.  Shots- after a second round of MRI films and word of more lesions wisdom indicated shots were in order.  So, this wife who HATED needles and shots now finds herself helping her bear with shots in rotation- he gets the front side, I get the back.  So, in earnest I can speak of "shooting" my Bear!  Supplements- along with the diet shift has come supplemental oils and minerals and ??? - he handles his dosing and drops and again, we see it as part of the formula, not thinking its hurting and perhaps it is helping more than we know.  Just part of this life with MS that we live these days.

We are now ten months into the known journey of MS.  Backtracking to signs now understood we are in reality more like 3 years into it.  It is a journey we never imagined we would take, we dont know what lies ahead, so we take it day at a time.  We trust that God will continue to give us wisdom, that He will guide us and use the journey for some good.  We are changed and challenged as we move forward. 

*the watercolor was done as I processed all that was going on within as I came to terms with MS entering our life.  Each persons picture looks different- this is what my view is now, in time I expect it to change.