Tuesday, April 17, 2012

grieving for my perenniel

Several weeks ago I found myself in tears with  a  dear friend.  She was tearing up with memories of her love departing.  I teared up from the fresh grief i was  living with.  She spoke of how she had ten years to prepare for K's departure for they knew his illness would end with parting, and yet it was so unexpected.  I have had almost 21 to prepare for my girl to launch and yet that week had been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. 

this morning i awoke with the thought of a bird beating against a cage.  watching such activity is hard o the eyes and the heart.  one who longs to soar and has sights beyond their present limits but is still trying to fly within their limited space.  even as 'peace, be still" was spoken, and yet the inner turmoil seemed too great to settle the heart that was full of unrest.  watching a dear one wrestle and struggle and react rather than slow down to consider and respond well has been challenging.  we have had moments of settling and what looked like a return to normal flight patterns and then once again the pressing of limits and flying without reguard to the flight tower counsel would continue.  clouded vision seemed to cause all things to be interpreted on a different plane than those who stood further back.

And so as seasons go we have once again found ourself in a new season. Just as I once anticipated parenting Sam would look one way but it has turned out quite differently, in this season my anticipation has not been much like my hopes and dreams.  And with that dissappointment has come some anger and feeling of being cheated of what I might reap. Ffor now it is hard to see the hidden harvest, but i am hopeful for a later harvest.  i just don't see it blooming this week or this month.  Perhaps a perenniel plan is what i have been investing in, not the showy annuals that spring up and last for a season, perenniels are planted and give us long service and enjoyment for years.  some years they come up differently than anticipated, and then the following year they return to normal patterns.

So, as my bird has flown the coop, launched herself into independent adult living, I now wander the cage she left behind.  it has been stripped of all that she was, a closet and a few bookcases remain of her belongings.  this homne that has not felt like a home to her is adjusting to less members.  we know we cannot hold back adulthood, and so she went, sadly not with our joy and delight and anticipation of what would lie ahead.  Rather it was a sudden departure with only moments notice of its reality in our lives, and then it was. so, we find ourselves prayng and storming heaven that she will find protectin and wisdom amidst the many lessons that adult living brings.

Last night as we escaped the all too quiet house, with the blessed distraction of errands and I found my stomach turn as I ate at a favorite place, i realized that this grief thing will take a bit of time to work thought.  we are in the midst of a season of change, which means letting go of old and growing new.  i told my dear one that i am trying to find my footing.  i am thinking of what this new season will allow, anticipating some of the freedoms to come for us.  i am also seeing that open palms make for great landing spots for birds in flight.

so as the tears come in the days ahead, as i am sure they will, for it seems that my heart was restocked with a large tank last week, i will grieve, pray and cast my eyes to the future.  for now, the new flight patterns may hold joy, but just as this is a season of change for me, it is for her as well, and familiar places are often returned to for comfort and remewal.  so, as I tend the perenniels around me, I will pray for my birdie and trust God to care for her as she explores other gardens.

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