Thursday, January 28, 2010

Thoughts I never considered that would occur

Another call last night..10:35pm; " I think S is having a seizure", the scramble for clothing and the dash up the stairs to find our son in the midst of a brainstorm. Part of life, stuff we deal with yet never simple and never totally "normal".

How can it be normal to see your child "gone" and the body taking over, seemingly with a will of its own. To see a body in unnatural contortions and manners, to see the vacant stare as you count the minutes. As a parent you wonder when will this one stop? what caused it? what needs to change? To realize, again that you are not in control, and cannot truly control the life and breathe of your child. To recall that the one you birthed is truly in the hands of his Creator. To trust that He has numbered your child's days and pray that the number is much greater than what he has lived thus far.

And the minutes tick, as the brain does its dance, the dance floor being your child's body. The moves shift and change, not always following a set choreography. Unexpected moves bring about new concerns or sighs and hopes that this dance will soon stop. Questions are in our mind, as the clock ticks and the dance continues, should we make a call? why did we not stock the drug to call a sudden stop to this brainstorm dance. And the dance goes on, seeming to increase in passion. And then with a sigh it is over. A body rolled over and a head lifted that tells me that my child is back.

Sweet is the fellowship and communion between parent and child in the moments declared to be "post ictal". The hearts of these parents breathed a sigh of relief that their child has returned to rule over his brain. That the boy that brings such delight is now with us again and we cope together with the life that we live together. Sleep soon will come, but not before we pray and thank God for life, for health and the days ahead.

Who knew when the word epilepsy was first spoken that such thoughts and experiences would come, I sure didn't. Life is always full of surprises, adventures and opportunities to live dependent, trusting God to care all of us in the midst of life. That trust has helped us to walk through this journey for alone I think the journey would be much more of a challenge.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Amazed again

God works in lives in different ways. For some he gives the gift of music, to others wisdom, service, teaching. For some there is a gifting to work with youth, babies or lead mission trips. For many years I had a family member who never struggled to find a job, it was as if God gifted her with employment as time and again His provision was seen with jobs coming out of circumstances unexpectedly.

In my life there are times when I feel like I have a similar blessing- the gift of provision through yard sales and thrift stores. Many times folks have mentioned a need or desire and within days, sometimes within 24 hours I have been able to call and tell them of an available option. Angel needed a printer, the next day one was found for $10. Joy wanted a food processor, it was found for less than $25- for a high end model. Rugs, clothing, swim trunks with built in diaper, zippers, and the list goes on. I tell friends that if they have needs and wants to let me know as I might run across the item they desire.

Rarely do i expect the answer to the need/want. Often I am amazed at the provision because often I have only thought of the need, hardly truly praying for it, but rather just talking in my head. I am overwhelmed some days that God has cared so well for me, for my needs and provisions with such specific provision. It does not make sense to me as I see many in need and see others struggling to meet needs. I understand it not. some tell me that perhaps it is because we are willing to care for others with stuff that stuff is provided to us. perhaps, or perhaps it is just DaddyGod loving in a way that glory can come to Him.

So let me glorify my God... He has done it again. My art class will soon start up again, soon we will have a day of card making so the students can prepare for Valentines Day. In my mind I was thinking of needing to find cards and envelopes- homemade cards are so much better with envelopes that they will fit in. Yesterday I went to a local indoor yardsale and amongst the jumble were two packages of blank cards and envelopes- 100 total for $2! Score! to get that many envelopes at the craft store would have been 5-10x the cost. yeah!

I was a blessed woman, a busy woman and my day got back to "normal". Then my husband asked me to go to a military show with him, not really interested in leaving the house, but wanting to bless him I compromised. I would take care of errands so he did not have to drive to a strange place. I went to a infrequently visited thrift shop. My eyes zeroed in on a slide in stove in the yard. We have a slide in stove, with a downdraft fan- not a typical stove, and not cheap to replace. A few months back the front of our 15yr old stove decided it was time to leave, so it did, promptly. they told me it was thermal blast- all I know is it is gone and looks odd without a handle and front. We love the stove, but didn't really want to spend $1,000 to replace it so that we could continue to have a vent situation.

Back to the yard, the stove was the same brand, downdraft and made in '01. I was told it just came in, part of a remodel job, still works. $50! SCORE!!! I was elated- I almost didn't leave the house, i just thought of making the stop after dropping hubby- never anticipating that I would be buying a new to us stove. And once we got it home the parts of our present stove will fit in this one, so we have spare parts! Amazing- only God could do this ... connect lives and stuff... meet needs and bless so specifically.

God is amazing in so many ways... I am blessed when He does these things. I am thrilled to tell others of how I have seen Him move in my life. Yet, that is not what I delight in the most while following Him, today at church I had time to share that there are many attributes that delight me. I think the character of God and Him being my strong tower are what brings me the most comfort to my heart. I guess generosity is part of that character, it is a joy to be a receipient of as well as a vessel of... a joy to give as well as a joy to receive. It is fun to watch how God works in lives around us- how does He work in your life?? where does He show up that you might glorify him??

Friday, January 15, 2010

Topics spoken about quietly

This has been a day of remembrance, a day of gratitude and thanks, a day of praise and glory in the graciousness and goodness of my Creator. This is a day when I considered that which once I would not speak of, was ashamed to speak of, or maybe to proud to speak of.

A few weeks ago my trusty computer wrote me a note: time to schedule your colonoscopy. Not a big reminder, yet a reminder, one I forgot about, don't look forward to and try to avoid thinking about much, but there it was, again. I laughed about it, shared its arrival with friends and after a few days of avoidance called the doc to get the referral. Today was my appointment. Today was a walk down memory lane as I looked at medical records and recalled December 1992.

That December I had a baby and an unexpected surgery, a baby that may have saved my life as did the surgery. After the baby the unspoken part of my life came to light. I had been growing a very large colon polyp and did not know it, yet I knew something was not right within. I was too afraid, shy or proud to speak of it honestly and openly. I had cried out to God, for in my heart of hearts I knew whatever was happening in my body was more than I could deal with.

After the baby's arrival the polyp showed itself and was dealt with. The reality of my ignorance came to light. The possiblities of colon cancer came to our conversations. My pride was laid out to what it was- foolishness. Brokeness was one of the fruits of that season, one that continues to bring sweeter fruit in my life than I ever imagined- bodily functions are not longer shameful and whispered, they are reality that are honestly dealt with.

So today as I walked in my memory to those scary days of '92 I recalled how the baby was in ICU where he received wonderful care as I was getting cared for on surgery floor. How my Mom was available to come help with childcare (2, 5yr olds). How the church reached out and cared for my family while I could not. How what could have been cancer was pre, pre cancerous. What could have been abdominal surgery did not have to be. How we were cared for on so many fronts and advocates and quality health care folks surrounded us. How we saw God show up thorughout thos days that felt so ovewhelming yet had rays of being cared for spread throughout them.

In that season of life I began to learn anew about my body, the importance of paying attention to it, to seek care, research oddities and be willing to speak of and face the "shameful" parts that glory may come from the parts that are due honor. I now give honor to the "shameful parts" by followig doctors orders and routinely fasting and prepping and undergoing checkups- small price to pay for more years of life.

Once I wondered if I would be around to see my baby turn 1. This past December he turned 17- we both lived that long and have lived alot of life in those years. Oh how grateful I am for that.

So, if your body is doing odd and weird things, please seek out answers. Care for it well and seek solutions, even if they are uncomfortable... life is worth living to its fullest and part of life is some discomforts. And if you are over 50 - get a scope, just to be safe.

Monday, January 11, 2010


Last night I logged on and was surprised at the passing of time since last posting- months in fact.. where did it go? Life lived in 3D is the reality... sometimes life happens and the thought to pause to record and reflect just isnt acted upon and before I realize it months have passed. Rich full months, months of blessing and struggle.

November came with the cool weather and the question of where to spend the turkey day of thanks. The woods is what my prince often opts to. my homebody nature is always reluctant. Our pop-up was totaled this year in a freak accident and the new one had a freak oops on the way to be given the once over, so it was looking iffy, but God had other plans. Mr Persausion caused parts to move where they did not seem to be in movement prior to converstations and we had a pop-up again. The weather warmed and off to the woods we went. A great choice, spoken honestly by this homebody.

Nature again renewed and rejuvenated us. Many folks dropped in for a visit and many for a meal. A blessing of reunion from Iraq days for my bear ( and for me the personal of a loved brother in his "twin"). My son discovered the origin of fireworks- bamboo in the fire goes POP!!! A family that faced TV dinners came instead for smoked bird and treasure hunting and a couple we only see in church were blessed to spend time in nature and continue to consider adding camping to their life again.

December again caused this homebody to shudder. A trip to NY was on my daughters agenda but I was hesitant... the drive, the timing..the... the... the. But a sisters desire and a daughters desire and the reality that this type trip isnt a given every season and we were off. Sweet reunion for my part time daughter Paula with old roomate who hosted us in WVa, much landscape and a few stops to ooh and ahhh and breathe deeply at the wonderful coffee shop in PA. Then to the cabin in the woods we nested for a few days. Snow, sledding, wood stove, pancakes with real maple syrup and other delights from my sweet mom. We knit and visited and had an old fashion christmas with a real tree. Sam played chess and schooled and sled with cousins. I made the rounds to a few V relatives and then on to tour the capital bldg in Albany, we felt the place was ours to enjoy as few were about. We stood in the Senate lobby with ornate "curtains" and velvet seating and enjoyed the craftsmanship about us. We then dined on Equidorian food around my dear sisters table and enjoyed her roomate. The girls then headed to NYC for a few days of snow and city. I spent time knitting and visiting with anothe sister in her new house- had fun dreaming and scheming for the renovations ahead.

As we prepped to travel home I had a sweet surprise, a whisper from the Lord of a friend along the way, 10 years since our last visit. She opened our home to the five of us and we enjoyed sharing life and struggles, a treat from the Lord for both of us as we were reminded that this path of life is not one tha is not shared by others. We arrived home in time to nap repeatedly and have a leisure Christmas with the family +one= wonderful.

Along with memories I brought home a sore arm. My left arm started to ache as I drove west out of NY and was throbbing as we entered PA and OH. Tuesday I hardly drove, it was not feeling well. Holiday medicine are not to be mixed so i dug in my drug stash and after Christmas I went to see the doc. We still aren't sure what happened but I was in pain and muscle relaxaters, anti inflammatory and more pain meds were Rxed. Relief but also reality- I was one armed- no knitting, no quilting, my hyper activity was squashed, much physical activity was unrealistic. Not easy for this busy gal, but I watched TV, did puzzles, rested, read and colored. And my spirit settled and reflected and quieted, good stuff. Slowly the pain has subsided and the muscles are aching less, but wisdom is also reigning that less heavy lifting and movement for a season is in store. I have adjusted and am taking a sabatical from some activities for a bit. I am limiting typing as needed. I am adjusting.

And so our new year has begun. the passing of time continues, often marked only by the calendar. Then this past week I had Sam read, and read, and read. Before he knew it an hour had passed. We had read together for an hour. not a big thing for most... for us a milestone. Time has done what time does, bring growth and change. Slowly, daily, bit by bit fluency has increased and endurance. A few days ago I felt a rumble, over and over... jumping jacks... once beyond understanding were being executed without pause... another sign that time had passed and skill had developed.

Patience is often something I think I have... reality indicates otherwise. Oh, I endure many things beyond what other tolerate but my nature is quick and now... and so I have been blessed with a patience builder. God continues to intersect my life, taking me out of my comfort zone to slow down, try new things and show His glory in the midst of my life. I am able to have moments where I look back in time to appreciate all that has occurred. This week has been one of those, seeing progress, seeing how He has helped this homebody leave home and return home richer for having stepped out.

I am not cured of my homebody nature but slowly I am gaining more reasons for walking beyond my comfort, because each time I do my comfort grows to include a greater base.