Let the shooting begin!

For the past few weeks I have been coming to terms with new reality. I left for a girls week in CA with sibilings and Mom with my bear handling home life. He juggled life well and conquered many parenting tasks as he flew solo. Just before I returned he had another MRI and doc appt. we had hoped it would be a nothing new, no comment kind of appointment. It did not turn out that way, so as I returned to civilization from 3 days of no service and Yosemite beauty our phone conversation revealed that yes, MS was declared. He would be going on medicine, MS had joined our life.

Words are easier to deal with than reality often, especially when they are words that are not fully lived and experienced. MS - a disease we've seen fundraisers for and known from afar, or in others lives. Now it has entered our home and is making itself known to us personally. So far it has been a gentleman, and so we hope it remains, yet its full nature is not known and therein lies part of the struggle of the adjustment. What lies ahead? and how will i live today with an unknown .... will i live with fear stealing my joy or will i live today for today and deal with tomorrow when it comes at me. I am choosing the later.

As the investigation of the numbness began we heard about drugs- lots of drugs, and our first response was NO! Now that reality of lesions has been seen and lived with and new knowledge has been understood we realize that we can eat well- he is up to 3 green smoothies a day (32oz each) and take supplements- his body is getting healthy intake. Yet as new tingles and symptoms occur the thought of slowing its progression down has become a reality. So, when FedEx stopped by yesterday it was to give us supplies for our shooting clinic on Saturday.

I don't do shots well, I tend to avoid shots, if at all possible, I look away, close my eyes and breathe deep. Yesterday I looked at a syringe for the first time and started to pep talk myself "I can do this" mantra. thankfully there is an auto injection tool in the kit so I have a safety net- a way to help without having to fully embrace the needle. I will be learning a new skill this weekend, another tool in the helpmeet's toolbox of life, who knew 28 years ago that my toolbox would get to be so well stocked ? (eek!)

The reality is settling in as I talk to pharmacy company and clarify monthly copays as it will continue for ?life? ???? As I realize that authorizations for me to talk to the insurance company has been lost in transit and needs to be resent- for I am the admin assistant and navigating the system on his behalf will remain in our future for the future. I am thankful to be here to walk through this with him, thankful for past experience with referrals and therapists and doctors that will serve me in the days ahead.

Often it is easy to forget about MS- for it is "invisible". No sign blares and often the pain and numbness is not mentioned, only later does he speak of discomfort, yet its invasion is occuring. It kind of reminds me of the other uninvited guest we host in our home- epilepsy- invisible until it rears its head, one we are daily dealing with in small ways, wary of in some situations and would prefer to not host, yet it remains. The mental adjustment feels similar as the words become reality and the reality remains invisible to many yet feels heavy on some days and minor on others. Slowly we adjust.

Many small changes are happening. On Saturday a nurse will arrive and teach us to give shots. Shots will be given every other day for ???? and we hope and pray he responds well to a new fluid entering his body to keep the mylon sheath from further deterioation. Fatigue is found at times, so an afterwork rest is a time to recharge for an evening of life together. We have begun to exercise, for it is found to help in many ways, and because we just need to do it. We are talking, reading and praying. We are laughing as the bear throws out "MS moment" when he forgets something- sometimes an excuse, sometimes true brain fog.

We are living today, enjoying today, simplifying our lives to what is important and most needs our time and attention. It feels good to slow down a bit. Life is a journey and we move forward to new adventures, not all of our choosing but knowing that it is filtered through eternal hands we move forward. I am learning to stretch, grow and try new things, so , let the shooting begin!

The shock is wearing off

Three weeks ago I received our first foundation repair proposal- it felt like a punch in the gut...20K+. For a few days we were in shock and awe and began to scrabble and look and realize how much this house has indebted us to it and put us in debt as we attempted to maintain it in a leakproof and waterproof manner. We found ourselves realizng that it was too much, so we asked contractor for the short list of must do's. We are still waiting, though his office folks have called to talk about financing.

At his suggestion we went to local homeshow, saw all the contractors of foundation repair of local willing to pay to be at show worth. We filled out forms and they have all paraded through the house and crawled beneath. Today I went with guy #5. I found where Mouse the cat has been of recent- guy #4 did not secure the crawlspace door and it lay open for several days- mouse has "scented it up", but I digress. I was reminded again of the layout beneath and all the jargon and conversation was given visual reference again.
This is a good thing.

Last Wednesday after a 2 hr visit from #4 man we decided that the 20K and 23 pier difference made us desire true wisdom. We were told of the county's best structural engineer/home inspector. Thursday I gave him a call and tomorrow he will arrive, look over all the proposals, look over the house and sort out the malarky from the truth. yes, we shall be paying for this wisdom, but it may save us thousands or it may affirm the need for super major work that NEEDS to be done. I am hoping for the former. Presently we have bids in the 4K, 5.5K, 7.5K and 24K range, one is still outstanding. Proposals for piers range from 8- 33. Some call for a few bridging joists where others call for major girders all over the crawlspace. There was mention of rolling girders ad colapsed joists- I have located both at the same location but wonder if I am missing something. There is talk of cross bracing and crush blocks. We hear from several that the insulation under the house should be pulled out. So, we await truth and wise counsel so that we can spend wisely the funds we have and settle the foundation issue and be done with it. We want move on with life.

Paul's MS awaits our attention. We shall travel south in a few weeks to consult with a MS doc. We spent time on the phone with a neighbors sister- she battles MS, has for several years. The reality that soon we shall be asked to choose a drug path is starting to settle in. The reality of dietary changes is settling in, and yet there still remains changes ahead. As I shopped today the veggies covered the bottom of the cart yet I found myself reaching for some of the old normal items. Finding balance between MS diet and family food is in process.

Peace rests within as we walk daily. I find that I dont look far in advance. Today is far enough, tomorrow will be dealt with on the morrow. I am grateful for all the prayers, for the encouragement and compassion from so many. We understand that others can not lift the burden of the season but in sharing the moment they are lifting our hearts and we are taking another step forward.

So, as the shock of the first proposal has settled and more reasonable proposals have come our way I find that I look forward to tomorrow, to answers and a plan of action. I find that without a plan of action we often are restless and at odds with how to cope with situations. Once the plan is set we have a challenge to face and we can move forward. After a month of wondering and fearing the worst it will be good to settle the question of what truly needs to be done.

It is time for action.

another punch in the gut

Small cracks, over doors, diagonally traveling.... what can this mean?  doors sticking, unsticking, hope its just the weather.  pencil marks and dates are found throughout the house, watching the cracks, hoping for no new lines.  A few patched only to return.... sadly they do.  Recently some grew and so we again had to take off the blinders and face reality.  Foundation issues.  significant issues.

Today the moving house guy came- he has worked on a neighbors house, and was a known entity so he was the first to call- not sure if there will be another or not.  A walk through and short crawl under the house revealed many reasons for cracks developing.  Engineered trusses and I beams are not what they were hoped for... now we shall get to support the local economy.  Oh how weary I feel today.  The details are still to come, Insurance does not cover poor workmanship.

And so again I look to my Heavenly Father is despair and need.  He who protected another of His children allowed this house to be a platform for ministry and life.  He shall give us wisdom and help us discern the next path of attack.  He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, he can tell disease to leave and it goes- just as a king directs His troops.  So too He can provide ... oh may He be glorified in this season of our life, may it not be for naught.

......

A few days later I am again living today... for I can not borrow or handle tomorrow today.  And today was Home Show day- we went to see what foundation folks had to offer.  5 booths, many similar, some that made us wary, others that looked good.  We also saw the booth of the one man we had come out, saw the piers he uses and spoke with him a bit.  Next week we should get the first proposal- and begin to consider honestly what needs to be done to stabilize the house so it does not roll in on its crawlspace.

Job... the book of a man who suffered, who had live steamroll him.  He has been on my mind a bit of recent.  MS and foundation issues revealed within days of one another- our world shaken on each account, but again the Lord holds us in the midst of the quake.  We are having conversation and dreaming together, looking at life in new ways these days, weighing the days and trusting God a bit more.

  This morning the bear spoke of how he and God have had some conversations- and what he has heard is "you are not in control".  Oh how often we presume that we are, and then Job moments come to remind us that we truly are not.  The question is when we receive the punch that doubles us over and knocks us off our control diaz where do we land who do we look towards??  I am looking to the one who knows tomorrow and holds my hand through today. 

God is in the midst

Last month there was a moment when my bear spoke of numbness in his face.  As the weekend progressed it became worse and worse.  Monday he saw the doc as one friend was concerned of stroke, it was ruled out.  The following day he was sent off to get a MRI.  We took it in stride, only quietly wondering at the speed of the testing.  Thursday we sat in a neurologists office and heard that MS was high on the suspect list.

The previous Sunday MS was on a laundry list of possibliites.  I told my bear that if it was MS we'd sell the house and move to a simpler house- he replied that we'd move to the country so he could live out his days as he delighted to.  The neurologist encouraged us that MS was not what it once was- that the drugs have come a long way since 20 + years ago.  25+ years ago I cared for a mother who had MS and was wheelchair bound.  23+ years ago a friend was often thought of as drunk because she stumbled as she walked fighting for independence rather than cane assistance.  These are my first thought of MS.  Recently a neighbor spoke of her energetic fit sister as having MS- not what I anticipated ever to be on her list of life issues.  Another friend spoke of a diagnosis that came 10+ years ago with only occassional flares.

Today we returned to the doctor after a month away.  In the past month a lumbar puncture was done and we waited for results.  The numbness started to disapate.  We came to realization that perhaps there is more to this life than the beautiful moneypit that has consumed us more than we ever wanted it to.  We rejoiced at a bonus from work and splurged on a ATV and went on our first "modern horseback ride" as a couple.  It was wonderful- no thoughts of house or ailments.  We have started to reconsider many things that have been stressors and burdens and occupiers of us.  Perhaps we are jumping the gun, shell shocked.   perhaps we are just beginning to see a clearer.

Today we were told that there is no confirming MS- only reading the signs and all things point that way right now.  There is no map of what lies ahead, it is a day to day adventure that will only be known by today.  and today, and today.  Our hope is that this will have been a season of reevaluating and relaxing and reprioritizing.  Our hope that this is not a season of preparation of what is to come.  We don't know, yet we know the One who holds our lives in His hands.

So, we are looking at life a bit differently, trusting God to walk through this journey with us.  Enjoying the days of sunshine and trail rides and trying to keep things in perspective.  We are getting to know our neighbors a bit, playing with children on the lawn and learning to eat well so our bodies will be strong against free radicals and things that would tear us down.

Of recent i have misspoke the phrase - humility (pride) comes before the fall- and we are learning to walk with a bit more humility- a bit more dependent and needy and transparent and vulnerable- easy-no, delightful to the Lord- yes!

where are you finding God in your midst?

Perspective??

For several years we have heard about a couple who had wanted to buy the house we live in- yet we were the ones chosen by the sellers.  We heard of their disappointment and sadness, we thought of the journey they were spared.  We knew of them, yet never knew them or even who these folks were.  Last week that changed.  As only the Lord of the Universe can do he drew our lives together and my thoughts slowly put together bits of gleaned information and at the end of a meeting I asked a question that confirmed my suspishion.

With that came revelation.  The Lord of the Universe truly is aware of our lives.  He opens and closes doors, guides us , says yes to some things and protects us from others.  The couple I speak of are being  used by the Lord to lead worship.  For the past several years they have been busy in a new body, one that we are now a part of, and seeing people come to know of the Lord through the work going on there.  Had the Lord not protected them from purchasing this house their lives would not have had the room to be used for body purposes.  And as that understanding came so did the reality that for some reason God allowed us to purchase this house, be put on the anvil by it and see His provision in the midst of each event.  If you have not followed there have been many events.

Somehow this small meeting of folks has helped my heart and head cope a bit with the reality of ownership of our Pretty House.  It guided me as I spoke to my God yesterday while meeting with a foundation man... yes, there is more work to be done not for pretty sake but stability sake.  I found myself asking that again He find some way to provide for what will be needed for the future repairs, even now I am realizing that is not only financial but also the inner strength and emotional energy for what lays ahead.

I don't think that when we have prayed in the past that our lives would glorify the Lord that we had any inkling of what they would look like.  That what it would cost- everything, and how short sighted we so easily become to how God is in our midst routinely.  And yet somehow in the midst of our mess he is shining through our cracks.  He is drawing folks and we are sharing life and His love.  We sense Him, as do others.

waiting quietly

It is hard to wait, especially for a doing person like me.  It is hard for me to settle and sit and dwell.  Of recent I have not had any handwork to keep my fingers occupied with stitching or knitting needles clacking.  I feel a bit lost, but have turned to puzzle books- starting to understand sudoku a bit.  I search for something to occupy.

Today I find myself looking for distractions to turn my thoughts from the what if's to other occupations.  My healthy bear who plugs along is having some weird stuff go on in his face.  Floaties in the eyes, flashing of lights last week.  Doc said its normal and just part of aging.  This weekend it was a numb face, and slowly the numbness spreading a bit each day.  Yesterday doc appt.  Today fasting bloodwork and MRI.  And we wait.  Thursday afternoon is the next doctor appt- with a neuro doc and hopefully answers or assurances.

The internet is a blessing and a bother.  All the world available at your fingertips to inform and confound the reader.  A search of numb face can give you thoughts of virus, bells' palsy all the way to MS and / or brain tumor.  Hmm what would we chose, do we get a choice??  could it be simple or will it turn out to be complicated??

And that hits it- am I willing to forget the worry, the owning what is not mine to own and trust in the midst of the wait?  Am I willing to rest in the One who loves my Bear much more than I do?  Am I willing to walk in faith that nothing comes into our lives but that the hand of the Lord has allowed and will use for our good?  I am trying.  Easy, no.  Doable- when I keep my eyes on the One who loves us the most.  So I shall wait, quilt a bit, teach a few lessons, watch some movies, live life and soon enough Thursday will come, the doc will have his say and we will continue to live life.

-----
Time has passed, two appointments later-its not brain tumor or stroke- yeah!  Still no definitive answers, we continue to wait for hoped for changes after vitamin and steroid shots, wait for appointments for more tests and more followup visit, waiting surrounded by friends and their prayers that the bears face will no longer be numb. That answers for the why and what will be answered.  We wait  for a greater understanding of strange symptoms that continue to linger.  As time goes by we are settling into a sort of peace and waiting.  Life has invaded again helping to put us back into a bit of normal pace amidst a bit  of unbalance.

where did the time go?

I clicked on the blog and found that I had not posted since October- how could that be???  hmmm what filled my life??

  Three weeks of October were dedicated to taking the mildew moldy kitchen to its foundation and then building it back to a useable, clean space- my how our knees and old bones ached after all the tile was laid.  What a sense of accomplishment came after the final board was laid on the support joists- reinforced and the floor now solid. Not only for us but for the whole neighborhood that pitched in.  What an outpouring of support and donation of time we experienced.  We had laborors, dish and laundry fairies, food donators - where there was a need it was met in ways only God could orchestrate!  What fun to share life with friends and neighbors and to see chaos become order.  Joists, subfloor, new plumbing, a bit of rearrranging, rewiring as needed, underlayment and tile. What joy to call the tiling done and done!!!  Yipee it was... we were so very weary. 

An unexpected blessing amidst the work was getting to know neighbors we'd had little contact with.  Johnny and Darlene have entered our life and we are blessed.  We enjoyed breakfast recently and ahead is a trip to the mountain and campouts and ????  what fun amidst life to discover more life ahead!

November was a month of rest and recovery as we settled into temporary kitchen  aka camp in the kitchen.  My hubby made amazing temporary vanity and kitchen sink stands so we could enjoy running water and dishes in our sink, rather than the porch or in the sink while we awaited new cabinets and coutnertops.  I bless the inventor of metal rolling shelves and cardboard grape boxes- the mainstay of my kitchen inventory.  We also repurposed what were wall cabinets to floor with tops to help us function.


The cabinet ordering brought new lessons of learning as we found that the 4-6 weeks started when the money was paid yet it takes 2-3 weeks before you can safely hand over the down payment to start the process.  I adjusted fire and set my sights on a kitchen together by Feb 14th- if you keep expectations low it helps keep disapointments low as well.  Finally all plans were finalized and the clock began.  The plaid walls were calmed with cream colored paint and we enjoyed a fresh start to our new kitchen.

December was our month of rest- learning to love rolled up pie crust- easy on the back, not bad on the wallet yet a close to homemade taste and the joy of favorite pies to comfort us through the holidays.  I enjoyed ignoring all the "to do's" of the kitchen and lived life, quilted and prepared for holiday life.  Slowly and quickly the month passed, we were delighted to wake on Christmas morning to snow all around us.  We were blessed to be charged with care of our neighbors horses and chickens and so daily we'd walk over and enjoy the critters and the time among nature. 

Without realizing it we have come into 2011- the days have passed amidst much life and adventures- the heating system went out quietly in the night to be discovered mid morning following.  We had hoped beyond home for another year, but Heil had done his time and was done in.  The new system was installed after a few days of enjoying fires in the firepllace and spaceheaters on loan from friends.  We are now taking the heating system for granted again- a blessed state to be in.

And now we are back to kitchen work again.  All of a sudden the cabinets were ready to install- our kitchen had to once again be emptied out- oh how I was dreading the task, yet it quickly occurred and even now I am reverseing and replacing items only a few days ago were moved out.  The cabinet guys were great- the attention to detail wonderful and they look so nice!  I am now sorting items, considering what was easy to live without, what is used only ocassionaly and where each needful item should be placed.

I am delighted with a few of the changes- pullouts for heavy mixers and crockpots in deep cupboards- nice!  The pantry cabinet with bifold door was dismantled amidst tearout.  In its place is a wonderful 11" deep cupboard built in that now holds my dishes- convenient location and so much more storage that it held previously- seems to be about double the space- the BEST bang for the buck of the whole project.  The other great change is the removal of the island, dancing the fridge across the floor and the installation of a penninsula- LOVE IT!! and we are yet to get counters- no more fighting for space with folks as we squeeze by one another.

I find I am weary and a bit overwhelmed, think its time for some boxes and purging of stuff, I 've been reading about simplifying... it is in the midst.  I am blessed to be in such a season, will enjoy the joy of it yet knowing all seasons come to an end the end of kitchen suite remodel 2010/11 sure sounds good to me as well.

So 2011- welcome and may allow for God to continue to show up and be glorified in our lives as we live this life called Toney life! 

Waking to the sound of a power tool

It is 644 am and a few minutes ago I awoke to the sound of a power tool.  Work, work, hard grueling work has been happening here. A smell of mildew, dishwasher leak, floor replacement turned into reframing the support under the kitchen,bath and laundry with plumbing changes and some major structural support addition.  all discovered along the way to changing the floor out to be rid of wet wood.  Along the way more wet wood discovered and today mold behind exterior wall drywall awaits us. 

We live a life of ease, most of the time, until it is time to work on the house.  Now we eat on the front porch, which I am so glad for.  The pantry and cupboards are spread through the back porch,dining room and all the way into my room.  and the sound of power tools and hammers is continual.


Small errors ignored, short cuts and cob jobs revealed bring forth more work.  Injuries are quickly dealt with as fingers and skin get owwies and the men who are true men press on, working,sweating and encouraging one another for the job that is ahead.  how blessed we are to have guys that embrace our painful situation with us.  Who have the vision to tear up the floor and put terra firma beneath.  who ache and hurt but do not allow that to sway them to leave.  and in this day of "i deserve" they do it out of care and concern and not the greenback- for the insurance funds will cover materials, if we are fortunate.

It is not often that folks in middle class america work so hard, that we have opportunity to enjoy the community that comes with hard labor.  this week it is happening at our house.  Young men are getting a chance to learn life skills and watch men be men and work hard. 

another trip to the box store that has it all is on the horizon, time to get the paper and pen and make the list.  another day of work lies ahead.  

Living among sinners, myself the chief among them

Family life can be longed for and sought after, idolized and idealized.  The reality is that it is work and joy, pain and pleasure.  As much fun as we have together we are individuals each with our own private struggles, visions and desires.  We live and breathe together, sometimes well and well, sometimes we wonder why we are together. 

Amidst our recent weariness we've had some of those well days... where things have not gone so well.  Yet the glue sticks and we struggle along side by side, desperate and needy together and as individuals.  Sometimes so worn prayer is hard to even speak, but even then aware that the Lord is aware of our neediness.   He is ever watching this sinner, and all those that surround me.  He is ever orchestrating events in our lives to bring us to the end of ourselves and allowing opportunities for brokeness and dependence upon Him.

In Exodus when God first tells us of himself - "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin."  I am reminded of how great He is and how far reaching his love is.

The word of God goes on to tell us how He reveals sin to allow future generations to deal with it and find healing.  For that I am greatful for as much as I long to not carry on the sins of my family again and again I am living them out.  I have become my mother, my father, and all my relatives, as though drawn with invisible strings through the passage of time, and all the while proud and arrogant that I am in the right, and I know best and it is not me.   And then the Lord brings another along to nick my vaneer and reveal my sin, my pride, my false front and shine the light of His truth and I am once again undone.

And God picks me up, holds me as I recover from my shock, which is not a shock for Him, and forgives and guides me again.  he gives strength to my weariness and hope to my dispair.  He is the peace within my heart.


And my family somehow continues to love and forgive and live among me- with all my quirks, annoyances and demands that I am so very clueless to.  And I somehow receive their grace and am able to face them even though I am a mess.  the blessing of family- knowing we dont have it all together and enjoying the journey even though there are pitstops when the mess of our sin comes to the surface. 

And so we move along ... slowly, thoughtfully, prayerfully, a bit humbled, aware of our need, desperate for God to show Himself once again... and being the loving gracious God that He is I know He will show up and shine. 

So as I begin a new day I thank the Lord for family, for sweet times of fellowship amidst the business of life. For each of the members, each of my characters and the way he made them each individuals.  I am thankful for the grace they bestow and the way they pull together rather than flee in weary seasons.  I am thankful for each of them.