FPS and me- NOT!!!

Tonight I attempted something new. A few days ago my bear stated that the kids would love for me to join them in their favorite FPS game- Call of Duty 1. I thought about it and decided that maybe I would give it a try sometime. Tonight I was again invited to join in and so I chose to do a new thing.

My dear husband set me up for sucess- the game was set up on the computer, headphones and instructions given and so I sat down to battle it out. First, I realized that thanks to my bifocals I needed distance so my eyes didn't go totally wacky so I backed away from the screen. I found that there is alot to do all at the same time, lots to see and lots of movement to consider.

I laughed until I cried as I messed up again and again as I attempted to move and play. Slowly I started to move with the buttons rather than try to turn around by turning the mouse in circles. I found my hands switching weapons with the roll of the mouse dial, too quickly to use one before I found that I was holding what i didnt mean to have. Slowly i wandered the landscape and started to run and shoot at things but i kept finding that there were men down, and as I passed i did not want to look. From the headphones I found noise of battle began and again i found it was not something I wanted to hear as it evoked thoughts of war and battle.

Sgt. Klutzo came along and "rescued" me and helped me to begin battling for real- well kind of. I died several deaths and was too quickly revived with touch of a button. Yet I found that it was overwhelming, too much action, movement, too much reality in the midst of "play". My soft emotional heart found it too hard to seperate the reality of violence, death and shooting from the thought of real people and the reality of such action in real. I found my self laughing as I made mistakes but soon the laughter turning to tears. too much, too real, my soft tender heart could not play well, try though I did.

My bear was gentle and saw that it was too much. we laughed and hugged and I left Sgt Klutzo in charge of my battlefield as I sought out a safe happy place. I gained a few brownie points for trying and they gained laughter from my attempt to join their world.

I came away with the reality that FPS is not for me. That I am not wired for such activity and probably never would be. I am woman, I am soft and gentle, and bugs are my limit for death. Mice and small animals I avoid when found dead, calling upon children to care for them post mortem.

Men seem to be wired for FPS- must be the conquerer in them, the protective warrior that rises up. I am thankful for that protection and care, I am thankful for the way guys are wired. I am thankful that I have permission to not be tough and warrior like. I am thankful for the experience and the awareness of a limit.