Dependency

This seems to have been a month of learning to be dependent. Not independent, not co-dependent but dependent.

I recall when the military did away with such an unpopular term- I was no longer "dependent" upon my sponsor (husband) but was now a family member. The name change did not change the reality that I was still dependent upon his wage earnings for daily sustanance. I chuckled within at the time of the lingo change.

As much as I acknowledge my dependence upon my husband there is a part of be that prickles at the thought of dependence. I want to be independent (at least in some ways) I find that part of me wants to make it on my own and survive well, but that seems to be impossible. That is a good thing.

God did not create me for independence. He created me for dependency upon Him. If I was able to make my life on my own I would not need Him and I would miss out on some of the greatest adventures of my life. Dependency is not easy, it is one of the most challenging things I am called to do. To give up my self and lay down my will for His. I battle against it, I fear letting go of control, fear trusting that another can take care of me. Yet He stands waiting and watching as I do my independent mess dance, until I come to the end of myself and surrender.

Fear has been one of the battles that has raged in my life in the past weeks. Fear of trust, fear of hurts and pain and old wounds reopening, old paths feared to be walked upon. I found that once I left the peace of trust and dependence "fear" was all too willing to take up residence and rage out of control. How hard it was to reign the fear in and remember Truth as I allowed "fear" to reign.

I generally don't think of myself as a worrier or fearful, but I think that is only because I don't really, truly look in the mirror of my life with clear glasses. When in the mirror I saw the truth of my heart and life it was ugly with fear. I had to acknowledge that though I say "I trust and don't fear", my actions do not always follow my words.

I went to a retreat where the words "faith" and "trust" continued to come up. Each one slowly building a defense against "fear" and "worry", knocking it down and replacing it with the truth of who God is, and how He is able to care for me and my needs. Reality was restored. My vision reset and sanity of mind returned. Ahhh, it felt good after spinning out of control.

I always chuckle at the ways God teaches and prepares me for what lies ahead. I wrestled with fear and then learned anew about facing it and trusting Him and others. That He is big enough, He is aware, He IS a strong tower to run to.

Since then I have realized a new area where I was operating in fear and made a conscious choice to operate in faith instead. To choose to honestly face my fear rather than deny its existence and yet allow it to reign over me.

Most recently another adventure in our house was revealed and my first response after shock was anger and then fear. As I shared of our discovery I renewed my "stinkin thinkin" with the reminder to myself that all things are filtered through the hands of God. That He has us on His potter's wheel and is using this house to spin us and center us dependent upon Him, to shape us into His image and mold us for His purpose. Just as He has used a donkey to get one prophets' attention in the Bible he can choose to use whatever he'd like to get ours. Even as he used a hot water heater to connect us with a neighbor He seems to be using this house to keep us dependent and needy before Him.

So, again I find myself dependent and needy. Hopeful and trusting, yet wrestling with my fear as it tries to reign instead of faith. I am positioning myself in a posture of dependence and hope in my Lord, as I know all this is too big for me. Now I wait with expectation as to how He will care for me in the midst of this season.





Yesterday I was encouraged by the sermon, it spoke of "Staying the Course"- enduring and perseverence- staying under the weight, standing up under the pressure. It was encouraging to remember that God uses life circumstances to draw us to Him, to grow our faith and grow us up.

I have been encouraged that in the past two weeks amidst conversations with neighbors I had three different ones remind me that we are NOT allowed to move without their permission! When I told my Bear about it he said "how is that relationship thing going??" I guess its going if the neighbors want us to stay.

Actually I love this location and the house is pretty cool if we overlook the little things like mushy wood and missing boards that are hidden under pretty. Actually if we were "normal" homeowners it probalby wouldn't be an issue, but we are wired for doing and we notice the stuff that others don't until its much worse. Ahh well, even as He wired us He has allowed that wiring to be used to keep us needy and honest and human and humble before Him- what an amazing God we serve.