Bitterness

Seems to be a morning of reflection... a morning for writing and thinking, good stuff for a bit and then back into my hyper life.

I was caught up short last week by a comment made to me. "Glad you aren't bitter" it was spoken with sarcasm and I caught it. I was surprised by it. Stunned. And my heart was pricked. Was I bitter? hmmm, welll, maybe, hmmmm. I spent time reflecting upon forgiveness and bitterness, considering it, rolling it over in my mind and heart.

My name means bitter in Hebrew; Mara- bitter. I have known this for years and strived to not become bitter. I have heard bitterness drip from those around me. Seen the wounds manifest themselves in their physical body. Unforgiveness drives deep into the bones of others and the spirit of an unforgiving person is "bitter" to behold. I thought I was immune. Hah! not!

Amidst the struggles of the past few years, taking it in stride and facing each struggle along the way I have unwittingly given in to tastes and touches of bitternesss. The record player has played a bit long on the woes of the injustice, the struggle and the drama of our lives. I had become aware of the broken record sound several months ago and tried to turn the volumne down, pull the plug and lay it to rest. I have not totally suceeded. A continual battle is the struggle to give up rights to self, to justice, to honor.

And last week, my words spoke volumnes of the attitude of my arrogant heart without my awareness. Again, I was clueless, until the prick came and God gently shined a light upon the attitude within. Pride. A battle I often ignore yet fight in the depth of my heart on a daily basis. Pride. the right to rule my life, my self, my world. the right to choose my will over His will. The "right" for justice and honor.

Over the last week I have been turning such thoughts over in my mind. Bitterness and forgiveness, which will I choose to walk in? Oh, this is a strong will within. Excuses and explanations abound in my head and heart, justifications and explantions, any way to avoid facing this wicked heart and the reality of its ugly state. Yet as the days pass and God's spirit continues to speak gently within the words come easier and His healing comes. Grace begets grace. His grace reminds me of the depth of His forgiveness, and this helps me to lay down my "rights" and my mess and let go of my bitterness, my hurt, my pain.

So the battle rages on- the battle to be without bitterness, to let go. To give up rights and lay down my will and demands before the Lord. To walk in forgiveness and reflect Him both inside and out. In words and deed. The battle to surrender- to lay down my life before the giver of life, accepting that which He brings into my life. Not easy, not fun yet so worth the peace that follows.