T tapp time

A few weeks ago I attended a ladies retreat- all about keepers of the home and loving husbands well. In the middle of Saturday afternoon some ladies threw in an extra- a promo of an exercise system that they have been doing and finding great results in... in 15 min a day! It sounded cool, their demo and testimonies were strong, and the free DVD demo and paperwork were a plus. I have known that I needed to change something but the elliptical continues to gather dust and the weights just seem heavy and as beautiful as our neighborhood is I just don't seem to be able to motivate myself to walk down the street on a regular basis.

I was blessed to receive a door prize of a DVD set, so I came home and watched the informational seminar. The next day I was a bit sore having done a few of the simple movements shown. hmmm. I next began "boot camp"- learning a series of moves that were awkward at first and as time went by became easier. Now a week and half later, most are familiar and I am finding that my previously tight shoulders are loose. I am less inclined to rest in the afternoon and perhaps my cloudy brain is not quite so cloudy.

This morning I left "boot camp" behind and ventured into the full routine and managed to keep up. It ended with "hoedowns" - a series of movements that can drop glucose levels and burn calories- they get the heart pumping for sure. I was breathless and yet refreshed at the end of the 18 min of exercises.

The amazing thing about t-tapp is the testimonies- folks do only the 15 min of these exercises and in weeks have lost a dress size or many belt notches. Weight is flushed out as they bend knee, tuck but, shoulders back and knees over little toe to begin exercising. The lymphatic system is activated and the body goes to work to burn and stretch.

Today I measured myself as I am beginning to wonder if there is any changes going on... time will tell. I am not feeling quite so creaky and with the loose shoulders I am thinking something is happening in my 15 min a day of stretch and burn time. In general there seems to be a tightness within my core that I dont recall being there before. That and the fact that I keep going back and doing the exercises, I have not been this repetitive before on any exercise for a long time. Maybe its the knowledge that its only 15 min, not 30 min, or a long distance or, or , or. speaking of which, time to t-tapp again!

brain storms

This morning we awoke early in preparation for the days events. First up on the schedule was Dad vs #4 on the wii, then on to the computer for some Battlefront action followed by b'fast out at Hardees with mom. So began our day of early waking to sleep deprive our child so he was ready for an EEG.

What was last week a "lets see what is going on" scheduling of an EEG (monitoring of brain wave activity) this week became a timely event. Earlier in the week our early morning sleep in time was interrupted by pounding feet and a knock at the door- #4 was in the midst of a brain storm. A seizure. A short one but one that interrupted his life and ours for a few minutes of time. It was a quick one, unexpected as they all are, but powerful.

This morning as I sat in the darkened room and watched the lines jump and bounce I wondered at what I was seeing. Over the past year we have changed medications slowly, adapting to a new drug that seemed to bring control. Only to find during a fall campout while sharing tent space that our sleep was interuppted by the sounds of a new brain storm. Now spring break has again brought our attention to the ever present, not often thought about guest to our lives- epilepsy.

Todays' revelation coupled with the midweeek "brain party" as I had dubbed it resulted in knowledge that status quo was not enough. So I returned home to add more pills to the pill boxes and again begin on the journey of increase in hopes of stilling the storms and calling an end to the pauses that are more than a pause.

I am grateful for the time spent in sheltered workshops and group homes as a young adult, where seizures were seen and adjusted to. Those days prepared me to respond not react to what I might find when I enter a room where a storm is occuring. I am grateful to the calm that is peace in the midst of reality that all electrical circuits are not firing normally. I expect that all will settle and rest, though in the back of my mind I know it could take a while, I pray that it is quick.

I find that as I dialogue about what our life holds that it is a reality that I don't process in its fullness, but face it bit by bit, event by event. As I shared the timeline and history recently I realized that we have walked a path of much variety and variation. That the silent presence of epilepsy is truly present, no longer just something in the back closet. It influences and affects us and yet we work hard to limit the impact and to live life fully in the midst of its presence.

Months ago epilepsy was a back closet topic; acknowledged but kind of ignored and in the realm of denial. Today I am more welcoming of it, more accepting of it, sharing it more freely. I have talked with our son of the whys and how are you doings? that surround living with seizures.

I am sure he is weary of the unexpected, tiring, and extra parts of his life that come with being a keeper of the storms. It is part of our family life for now so we prepare, train and respond as needed. We pray for and thank God for our doc's and all in the health care profession who help us on this journey. We are made more aware of its hazards when it makes the headlines with hollywood attention, and we breathe easy and kind of forget when weeks pass without any hint of activity.

Brainstorms, brain storms- same letters, different activities. May your life be full of brainstorms and my your heart and head be full of compassion and grace to those who experience brain storms.

Bitterness

Seems to be a morning of reflection... a morning for writing and thinking, good stuff for a bit and then back into my hyper life.

I was caught up short last week by a comment made to me. "Glad you aren't bitter" it was spoken with sarcasm and I caught it. I was surprised by it. Stunned. And my heart was pricked. Was I bitter? hmmm, welll, maybe, hmmmm. I spent time reflecting upon forgiveness and bitterness, considering it, rolling it over in my mind and heart.

My name means bitter in Hebrew; Mara- bitter. I have known this for years and strived to not become bitter. I have heard bitterness drip from those around me. Seen the wounds manifest themselves in their physical body. Unforgiveness drives deep into the bones of others and the spirit of an unforgiving person is "bitter" to behold. I thought I was immune. Hah! not!

Amidst the struggles of the past few years, taking it in stride and facing each struggle along the way I have unwittingly given in to tastes and touches of bitternesss. The record player has played a bit long on the woes of the injustice, the struggle and the drama of our lives. I had become aware of the broken record sound several months ago and tried to turn the volumne down, pull the plug and lay it to rest. I have not totally suceeded. A continual battle is the struggle to give up rights to self, to justice, to honor.

And last week, my words spoke volumnes of the attitude of my arrogant heart without my awareness. Again, I was clueless, until the prick came and God gently shined a light upon the attitude within. Pride. A battle I often ignore yet fight in the depth of my heart on a daily basis. Pride. the right to rule my life, my self, my world. the right to choose my will over His will. The "right" for justice and honor.

Over the last week I have been turning such thoughts over in my mind. Bitterness and forgiveness, which will I choose to walk in? Oh, this is a strong will within. Excuses and explanations abound in my head and heart, justifications and explantions, any way to avoid facing this wicked heart and the reality of its ugly state. Yet as the days pass and God's spirit continues to speak gently within the words come easier and His healing comes. Grace begets grace. His grace reminds me of the depth of His forgiveness, and this helps me to lay down my "rights" and my mess and let go of my bitterness, my hurt, my pain.

So the battle rages on- the battle to be without bitterness, to let go. To give up rights and lay down my will and demands before the Lord. To walk in forgiveness and reflect Him both inside and out. In words and deed. The battle to surrender- to lay down my life before the giver of life, accepting that which He brings into my life. Not easy, not fun yet so worth the peace that follows.

Deaf to gifts of love

This weekend I am off to the annual ladies retreat for our homeschool ladies. A great group of women who care for the hearts of the women beyond getting grades in and blocks checked! Last year's retreat settled some questions in my heart and stretched me in new paths of faith. I am not sure what this one will bring forth, but part of me is a bit excited. I am sharing this one with my daughter and hoping she will find some kindred spirits among the many young ladies attending.

As I have been preparing for my little part of the weekend I have been reading The five Love Language of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell,MD. I am speaking on love languages and thought it would be a quick scan and picking of information. Ahh, is it ever so simple?

As I read over the chapter of the language of gifts this quote struck my heart.

"A true gift is ... an expression of love for the individual and is freely given by the donor. "

I thought about the many gifts given to me, the acts of service, the touches, the time spent with quality so I can fill up my need of for time deposits in my love tank and the many letters that fill my desire for affirmation and encouragement. I thought about my heart attitude in receiving the many gifts bestowed upon me and how I have received them.

When an expression of love matched my expectation it is joyfully received and cherished. Unfortunately when it was not a good match with my expectation I have not been gracious in my heart. The attitude was not gratitude. My bad.

I have been pricked this week to realize how much love has been poured into my life, but in a foreign language, one that I have not interpreted well. Sometimes I have figured out the message and in time have come to cherish the expression, unfortunately oftentimes it has come after the attitude of ingratitude has soured the gift and wounded the messenger. my bad. my sad.

This week I repented before my husband for my cluelessness in my heart of the hurts I was returning for the gifts given. My vision was all self centered- "what is in it for me" not what is he trying to tell me as he gave to me freely? When I scorned the hardware when I heard of the flowers- yet years later I turn to the "box of flowers" hardware box again and again in joy for the thoughtfulness and forsight of my husband for my needs. When I have belittled in my heart the gift of growing things that were given as I love plants, not thinking of how it was given freely and in love for my delight.

Oh how deceptive this heart has been in thinking of love as all about me. its not. Love in about sharing and caring and living beyond oneself. "Love is not selfseeking" (1Cor 13) When others give a hug it may be because they long to share their love with another. They may not realized that it is a foreign language to the reciepient. The home improvement that takes over the house might not be only an improvement but may also be an outpouring of lavish love by a spouse who speaks love with acts of service. Running an errand on the day its asked for is another way to speak "acts of servcie love". The card given when words dont come easy may be love shown in words of affirmation from another when he knows they are important to the receipient. When a child asks for a game or a book read, they may be asking for your time, your "quality time" to feed the need for that love language spoken in their life. And when a gift is given to you, no matter the size or value, taking time to value the heart of love that caused the giver to choose to bestow it is truly giving value to the gift- an act of love.

Oh that I would always have my universal love translator on. That I will always understand the love that is bestowed upon me and respond with gratitude and honor to those who pour out their life into mine. Maybe your translator needs a tune up as mine did. Check out a 5Love Language book at the library and retune your head and heart for the langugaes that bombard your life today!

I am now seeing the give and take of speaking love. Speak it from your heart, when able speak in the language of others, as you know the dialect. Listen close for the language of love in the words and actions of another and if confused consult the universal translator and consider the dialect spoken to clear up any communication confusion. When this is done the expressions of love abound.

slowing down to breathe

Today I had a full agenda. School in the morning. Art class prep mid day then on to Physical therapy. After that pick up one son, then another and be on the road doing errands until dinner at church and then classes in the evening. Home by 830- whew! done!

All that changed about 1:55 today when I did not slow down, breathe and take my time at a stop sign. I approached the stop sign. I looked left and right and thinking I had time to pull into traffic as vehicles were only on the horizon I pulled. As I made the turn there was a noise, a bump and brakes- hmmm??!!! I pulled over, uncertain of what had happened. I had been struck.

It seems that when I looked right I missed the little red pickup that was approaching the intersection. The car I did see watched me pull into his travel path and his attempt to avoid a collision. He pulled to the right, and did as best he could, but did clip the back of the passenger door and front of the rear panel.

He was gracious and kind as I apologized and told of my lack of sight. It was a new experience for each of us; a car accident. We were both thankful for the lack of injury and apparent minor damage to our vehicles. we both drove away, shook up but uninjured. I, saddened by the cost of my haste, the hassle and cost of repairs ahead. A bit in shock over the unexpected turn to the day.

Accidents are strange... you know what you did and saw, and believe your perception to be true, yet the witnesses tell of other impressions. A moment before I had been contemplating forgiveness and bitterness, talking to God about a recent conversation and thinking about my heart attitude, yet also feeling the weariness of the day.

Oh that I would have breathed a breath, seen the little green truck. waited a bit longer. perhaps it was behind the trees and shrubs to my right as i scanned the road, perhaps i looked too far down the road and not near enough. i will never know. i do know that I will be much slower in pulling away from stop signs in the future. I will take a breath and pause a bit.

Just as I have developed my routine for starting the diesel truck- turn key, put on seat belt, start truck (having allowed wait to start light to shut off) so I think I will rethink my mode of operation at stop signs. Maybe stop, 3 breaths as I look back and forth, then pull out for clear travel.

For today, I am staying home. My active afternoon came to a halt with the unexpected trip on the way home. I am recovering from myself, content to stay put. tomorrow will bring more time on the road, more time to practice breathing.




so if you come up behind a red van and it seems slow to pull away from the stop sign, be patient, it may be saving her some $$$ and time in the long run.

passing the torch

Today as I was telling of our banner picture, thinking of the season of joy its creation was filled with I realized it was also a season of learning. We had struggled with process management of the waste system within the house and found a reasonable solution. It prepared us for a conversation that came about a few months later. I was able to quickly offer a viable solution.

Greater still was the joy in being able to send an emmissary of help to another state to help the other family with waste management struggles to install a solution device. We passed the torch of learning and solution. It would have been easy enough to not engage in conversation and dialogue aobut the learning curve we have journeyed upon. Rather we had and from that conversation help and heath transpired.

Kind of like life, we all have journeys of learning- some easily shared, some within our heart and soul, less openly revealed. There are times that we quickly reveal the experiences, other times with reluctance. I have found that rarely is an experience that leaves a lasting memory one that does not have value to be shared with others. At times it needs to be covered with prayer and sensitivity, other times laughter or hands one application is the venue of passign the torch. It is in the sharing that I find the pain of the initial experience is validated and expanded to worth.

Funny how often God has used the humble things to reveal wisdom. Once it was clogged pipes to speak to my heart about my stubborn pride. Septic gas to reflect my aroma. Sometimes it is watching nature or the way of children. Other times it is the experience of another to remind me of how my past reflects that which I would be quick to criticize, forgetting my own nature.

I am thankful for lessons that stay and can be passed on to others.

Why am I always surprised?

Why am I always surprised when God answers a prayer? When what we hope for comes into being? when it comes back as good news rather than difficulty ahead?

This morning I received a call from my sister in law with the great news of the sucessful surgery on a family member. What could have been majorly invasive and dibiltating was a fairly routine procedure and limited - ectomy. What could have been cancer was benign. What could have been crisis is no longer, rather a recovery. In all this I rejoice. I had not realized the weight of my concern until it was gone and the lightness within.

I am thankful for the good report, for the recovery without further procedures, for the hopes being given life. I am thankful that God was merciful in this unknown situation. I am renewed in my faith that God answers prayers and He cares for those I care for.

I like surprises, and I will continue to take them and enjoy the joyfulness that come with them!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Following a command

Today we put into practice a command of Jesus- love one another. It felt good.

In December we read in the paper about the tent village under the highway. folks had gone to visit to give away personal care items and clothing, many were enjoyed but many not taken as the folks wanted to leave the items for others in greater need. It was a quick view into the life of those less fortunate, those living on the margins of society. A few words of the whole article struck me. Firewood is a great need and hard to get.

Those words planted a seed. My husband LOVES to cut wood. Recently he asked about the freedom to cut wood in a nearby lot where trees have been downed and have remained. He was granted it and so he has joyfully started a new Saturday morning activity with the boys (whose joy does not quite match his), they cut wood, load the truck and unload. The past two weeks we have stocked our woodpile as we have begun to enjoy a fire in the fireplace.

Today the recipient was to be the homeless. We werent sure where they lived but we called the mission and prayed. The family worked together to cut and load the truck and off we went. A few wrong turns and we arrived at the tent village. Only a few folks were home amidst a dozen or more tent sites. Most had more than one tent in their area, all had a bit of wood alongside their burnbarrel.

Larry and Tracy were the couple we met. They helped to unload the wood, thankful for the bounty of it. The wood we saw when we arrived still had some leaves attached. She spoke of it bubbling when put in the barrel. Larry added a few sticks to the ashes they had going and was amazed at the heat it threw off and the rapidity of it catching. It is suppose to be cold tonight. They will be less cold.

They shared how they once had a service business- lawns, gutters, painting, then hard times fell and they are now there. Folks like us, living life, making do. We shared life for a few minutes, maybe the beginning of a relationship? maybe not? just following a command, turning a thought into action, logs into love, meeting a need, making homeless folks no longer faceless or nameless.

A good day, fresh air, perspective and a sense of an accomplished goal met. Larry and Tracy will have a bit more heat to keep them warm as the cool weather moves in. love in action- give it a try.

Ebeneezer Stones

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying , "Thus far has the Lord helped us."
1 Sam 7:12

(Ebenezer means stone of help)

Have you ever had something really cool happen that you want to remember because it was a significant event?? We have had several times where God has done somethingin our lives that we knew beyond any doubt was His hand. We have enjoyed relationships that He has provided. Each occurance of His movement in our life has been worth a stone!

For years a friend of mine would speak about Ebenezers- stones of remembrance. She spoke of labeling stones to help us remember what God has done in the midst of our life's journey. It was spoken of yet we did not act. Then one day I was in the garden section of a store and there was a bag of polished stones. So we began our pile of Ebenezer stones.

First we tried writing with permanent marker, yet over time the print rubbed off. On to paint markers- they worked well and stayed even after handling. We began with a reviewing of what God had done in our lives, things that stood out in our memory. Each season has its own color in my bowl of stones, and each season has its own sweet memories. Lets look at a few....

Sunday Bagels- we lived in the city and every week we'd walk around the corner and get fresh bagels and enjoy them as a family hot and delightful- bonding us in the midst of a season of tight living. reliving memories from my childhood and giving my kids sweet memories in the midst of change.

Mom F Mozambique/ Atlanta - God took my mom across the world and back on a missions trip, in the midst of it, preparing her for a week delay in Atlanta and using this dear, sweet white haired woman to minister to a lady who was in jail there. A post 911 homeland security glitch that followed past abortion clinic protests that brought her life to intersect with another. He protected her belongings and was her peace in the midst of the delay.

new roof- read my past blogs for more details- God was seen in the wisdom of siders, the honor of roofers and the delightful provision of a new roof as correction was made to past errors- when many roofing companies do not call back when called.

Rusty- the car- when we moved to NY in 2000 we were in an accident in the midst of the move. My sister had a car that she was willing to sell us for $1000 and it ran the entire year we were in need of it and then we were able to recoup our cost. Rusty- the faithful car that was a God provision in the midst of our need.

Dedons- while in NY we were house hunting. The Dedons were the couple who were our agents. The couple who spent hours and hours with us looking. Who twice told us "sellers never do this" and graciously walked with us as we took those words as closed doors and walked away from potential houses. When we were FSBO gave us wisdom and support in the midst of selling the house they helped us to buy. God's provision for honorable realtors in the midst of an uncertain time and occupation.

First Church- our present home for worship. While in NC I heard from Paul that Scott, our pastor from Tenn, was there. God whispered in my ear "got you covered honey". And so we did not hunt for a church but settled here. Not always perfect, none are, but where God has placed us and planted us.

job at GE- when Paul was retiring from the Army he started to look for a job. A friend I knew from Germany PWOC was living near where we once did, no longer in the Army. I spoke to Leslie about post Army life. She talked with her husband. He asked for Paul's resume- and so the story of Paul's job at GE began. When we left the area in the 80's we never expected to ever be able to work for GE- yet in the 2001 season of life he worked there and grew in understanding of many things that have shaped into the man he is today.

the Rogers- while in NY we were blessed with many relationships. The Rogers are among the dearest- a young couple who shared life and faith with us. God's provision for friendship and family in the midst of body life.

polyp- ahhh the foolishness of the land of denial. I lived there from 1992-1993 and then it was time to leave. A few days after my son was born I was suddenly rushed out of denial as I reentered the hospital via the ER with a need for surgery and the fear of cancer looming. God in his graciousness had answered my prayer to face whatever was going on inside of me. He provided a christian surgeon to pray with us, a young couple with 3 kids, one who was still in the nursery at the hospital. He provided care for the family, a renewed sense of the love of a body after pain from past wounds. He allowed the polyp to not be cancerous though the surgeon deemed it the largest he'd ever seen. God spared my life, and I am so grateful for His love and provision in the midst of my own stupidity.

I can go on and on, but I will spare you all my stones... two more, hmm where shall my hand fall...

Herdas- neighbors and friends. We delight in relationships with folks of all ages. These folks are special as they have wisdom of time that we dont have. They are a double blessing as they bless our son as well- they employ him as a helper. I enjoy our visits and the sharing of life that they give to us. I delight that my children get to interact with "grand"people who have lived much life- as their grandparents are not closeby.

Feltwell RX NY- when we lived in NY - Ft Drumm we had neighbors who were in the medical field. For me that was a blessing as I cut my finger deeply one night- we were new and I did not know what to do, Paul was away, young kids in the house. He came and checked it out and gave me guidance. Stitches were in order. They cared for the kids until Paul got home. Later during our stay my sister, home from china, hurt her leg. Her insurance was good everywhere, but USA. He cared for her so she was on the way to mending as she returned to China. God's provision.

And so the stories are for each stones, just a few words to triggere a memory, a provision, a blessing ,a relationship. When life is overwhelming and faith is looking hopeless I can walk back in time over the stones of our days and remember how God provided people, stuff, life and be reminded that He is still God and He hasnt left me and forgotten about me, rather I am reminded to call out to Him.

So, if you have sweet memories and provisons that you'd love to share and remember pick up a bag of flat stones in the craft shop, get a paint marker and get busy... what joy it is to remember and to share our faith with others when they ask about your bowl of stones.

Thanks KP for the great idea.... my life is richer for it, as is my faith enriched by it.

one last memory-

Salad, sewage and sin- a difficult lesson for me in TN- amidst a small "rebellion" I was found out and God revealed bigger rebellion of my heart. I had been instructed to not use the garbage disposal often. I oopsed bigtime and stuffed some salad down. It was CLOGGED- as in cut pipes in the basement clogged!!!! As we smelled the stench of sewage gas and I cleaned out the pipe God revealed to me the state of my heart- stinky and clogged. OuCH! my sin - I had been running from it, again in "denial" and He intersected with my life to humble me and clean me out just as the pipes were cleaned out that day. The start of a major cleaning that has been the base for glorious new beginnings.

God is my every present help... of all my needs.... desires.... and life!

what are your Ebenezers? How has God shown Himself in your life? Enjoy the memories and know that they will grow in number over time.

Bill and Sharon
God sells house
Keith vists
brokeness
memories with Big Grandma
Krista h plant sitter
Mitre job
chord wood gone
Perez
Shallbetter
Gloria
Sam's seizures
swimming pool
ICU
Ed S- NY helper
Toyota Camry
phone #xxx-2417
NY-NC

What a helping God he is!