What does MS look like to me?

What does the face of MS look like to me right now? 

Change- lots of changes going on- change of routine, change of diet, change of what is normal, change of thinking, change of priorities.  Who moved my cheese?  MS did...... so I am getting use to sniffing out the scent of the cheese to find a new normal. 

Live Today- I an no longer sure what today may hold- it may be typical, normal and routine or it may have the added factor of a numbness, foginess or fatigue thrown in just because its that kind of day.  We are learning to rejoice in each day, life in each day and enjoy whatever it may hold.


Fatigue- such an unfamiliar visitor to our life until recent.  When the Bear comes home and needs a nap after work I know you have come to visit.  When sitting and vegging is about all he can do, I know you are the guider of our day.  You are unfamiliar to my once workaholic man.  You are a stranger to the one who can chainsaw for hours with great delight, but now you stop his normal, causing us to find a new normal.  Naps become part of the agenda and its ok; just part of the season of life we walk in for now.

Exercise- the dreaded, avoided and ignored activity that has plagued me for years because I never engaged.  Now you are my friend- you give me strength, renew my energy and lift my spirits.  I am learning to look forward to the audiobook or music of the session.  I am seeing the benefit to me, as a caregiver, and to the bear as he fights to keep muscle tone and strength. 

Simplify- when life causes you to stop and look anew, simplicity becomes a desired goal.  We have begun to evaluate and eliminate.  Proritiies have been shifted and we continue to adjust our life to our words and thoughts of what is truly important.  The stuff that once was so important isnt quite so valuable.  Simple things, spending time and enjoying moments together have risen higher on our agenda.

Priorities- where once the job was the priority all of a sudden health, well being and family have risen to the top.  When faced with an unknown outcome, our vision is cleared and some of the fog of "status quo" and "keeping up" and "everyone does it" show their colors and we start to see again.  Family time, loving well, making memories,  and relationships - priorities to be pursued as we walk through this MS thing.

Grief- the sadness of the unknown.  The fear of what MS looked life in the life of those from my past.  The uncertainty of what lies ahead.  The frustration of no longer being able to do what once was done withouth thought, or not having energy where it was never an issue.  Many griefs, each come and go as they are lived and experienced. I find that at times it comes in waves or laps, then i shake myself, grieve and give it over to the God of the univers who has allowed this season to be filtered through his hands of love and care, and settle in to live another day beside the one I love. 


Green smoothies, shots and supplements- our first book read about MS was Minding Your Mitochondria- the idea of a diet change helping battle MS was exciting.  We bought a juicer and began to juice then  switched to green smoothies.  Not sure how it is helping, but it sure does not seem to be hurting.  As the Bear drops pounds that need to be shed and his body systems work well we are finding a good part of the formula.  Shots- after a second round of MRI films and word of more lesions wisdom indicated shots were in order.  So, this wife who HATED needles and shots now finds herself helping her bear with shots in rotation- he gets the front side, I get the back.  So, in earnest I can speak of "shooting" my Bear!  Supplements- along with the diet shift has come supplemental oils and minerals and ??? - he handles his dosing and drops and again, we see it as part of the formula, not thinking its hurting and perhaps it is helping more than we know.  Just part of this life with MS that we live these days.

We are now ten months into the known journey of MS.  Backtracking to signs now understood we are in reality more like 3 years into it.  It is a journey we never imagined we would take, we dont know what lies ahead, so we take it day at a time.  We trust that God will continue to give us wisdom, that He will guide us and use the journey for some good.  We are changed and challenged as we move forward. 



*the watercolor was done as I processed all that was going on within as I came to terms with MS entering our life.  Each persons picture looks different- this is what my view is now, in time I expect it to change.

Let the shooting begin!

For the past few weeks I have been coming to terms with new reality. I left for a girls week in CA with sibilings and Mom with my bear handling home life. He juggled life well and conquered many parenting tasks as he flew solo. Just before I returned he had another MRI and doc appt. we had hoped it would be a nothing new, no comment kind of appointment. It did not turn out that way, so as I returned to civilization from 3 days of no service and Yosemite beauty our phone conversation revealed that yes, MS was declared. He would be going on medicine, MS had joined our life.

Words are easier to deal with than reality often, especially when they are words that are not fully lived and experienced. MS - a disease we've seen fundraisers for and known from afar, or in others lives. Now it has entered our home and is making itself known to us personally. So far it has been a gentleman, and so we hope it remains, yet its full nature is not known and therein lies part of the struggle of the adjustment. What lies ahead? and how will i live today with an unknown .... will i live with fear stealing my joy or will i live today for today and deal with tomorrow when it comes at me. I am choosing the later.

As the investigation of the numbness began we heard about drugs- lots of drugs, and our first response was NO! Now that reality of lesions has been seen and lived with and new knowledge has been understood we realize that we can eat well- he is up to 3 green smoothies a day (32oz each) and take supplements- his body is getting healthy intake. Yet as new tingles and symptoms occur the thought of slowing its progression down has become a reality. So, when FedEx stopped by yesterday it was to give us supplies for our shooting clinic on Saturday.

I don't do shots well, I tend to avoid shots, if at all possible, I look away, close my eyes and breathe deep. Yesterday I looked at a syringe for the first time and started to pep talk myself "I can do this" mantra. thankfully there is an auto injection tool in the kit so I have a safety net- a way to help without having to fully embrace the needle. I will be learning a new skill this weekend, another tool in the helpmeet's toolbox of life, who knew 28 years ago that my toolbox would get to be so well stocked ? (eek!)

The reality is settling in as I talk to pharmacy company and clarify monthly copays as it will continue for ?life? ???? As I realize that authorizations for me to talk to the insurance company has been lost in transit and needs to be resent- for I am the admin assistant and navigating the system on his behalf will remain in our future for the future. I am thankful to be here to walk through this with him, thankful for past experience with referrals and therapists and doctors that will serve me in the days ahead.

Often it is easy to forget about MS- for it is "invisible". No sign blares and often the pain and numbness is not mentioned, only later does he speak of discomfort, yet its invasion is occuring. It kind of reminds me of the other uninvited guest we host in our home- epilepsy- invisible until it rears its head, one we are daily dealing with in small ways, wary of in some situations and would prefer to not host, yet it remains. The mental adjustment feels similar as the words become reality and the reality remains invisible to many yet feels heavy on some days and minor on others. Slowly we adjust.

Many small changes are happening. On Saturday a nurse will arrive and teach us to give shots. Shots will be given every other day for ???? and we hope and pray he responds well to a new fluid entering his body to keep the mylon sheath from further deterioation. Fatigue is found at times, so an afterwork rest is a time to recharge for an evening of life together. We have begun to exercise, for it is found to help in many ways, and because we just need to do it. We are talking, reading and praying. We are laughing as the bear throws out "MS moment" when he forgets something- sometimes an excuse, sometimes true brain fog.

We are living today, enjoying today, simplifying our lives to what is important and most needs our time and attention. It feels good to slow down a bit. Life is a journey and we move forward to new adventures, not all of our choosing but knowing that it is filtered through eternal hands we move forward. I am learning to stretch, grow and try new things, so , let the shooting begin!

waiting quietly

It is hard to wait, especially for a doing person like me.  It is hard for me to settle and sit and dwell.  Of recent I have not had any handwork to keep my fingers occupied with stitching or knitting needles clacking.  I feel a bit lost, but have turned to puzzle books- starting to understand sudoku a bit.  I search for something to occupy.

Today I find myself looking for distractions to turn my thoughts from the what if's to other occupations.  My healthy bear who plugs along is having some weird stuff go on in his face.  Floaties in the eyes, flashing of lights last week.  Doc said its normal and just part of aging.  This weekend it was a numb face, and slowly the numbness spreading a bit each day.  Yesterday doc appt.  Today fasting bloodwork and MRI.  And we wait.  Thursday afternoon is the next doctor appt- with a neuro doc and hopefully answers or assurances.

The internet is a blessing and a bother.  All the world available at your fingertips to inform and confound the reader.  A search of numb face can give you thoughts of virus, bells' palsy all the way to MS and / or brain tumor.  Hmm what would we chose, do we get a choice??  could it be simple or will it turn out to be complicated??

And that hits it- am I willing to forget the worry, the owning what is not mine to own and trust in the midst of the wait?  Am I willing to rest in the One who loves my Bear much more than I do?  Am I willing to walk in faith that nothing comes into our lives but that the hand of the Lord has allowed and will use for our good?  I am trying.  Easy, no.  Doable- when I keep my eyes on the One who loves us the most.  So I shall wait, quilt a bit, teach a few lessons, watch some movies, live life and soon enough Thursday will come, the doc will have his say and we will continue to live life.

-----
Time has passed, two appointments later-its not brain tumor or stroke- yeah!  Still no definitive answers, we continue to wait for hoped for changes after vitamin and steroid shots, wait for appointments for more tests and more followup visit, waiting surrounded by friends and their prayers that the bears face will no longer be numb. That answers for the why and what will be answered.  We wait  for a greater understanding of strange symptoms that continue to linger.  As time goes by we are settling into a sort of peace and waiting.  Life has invaded again helping to put us back into a bit of normal pace amidst a bit  of unbalance.

the blessing of nature

This was a full weekend.

It was a birthday weekend, and a year where the blessings kept coming. They trickled in, were hinted at and meandered through two days with the grand culmination of a formal dinner prepped by our local chef, a French/Russian waiter serving and professional photographer documenting it all. A bit over the top, a bit overwhelming, A huge blessing from those who love me.

Thursday was busy with routine obligations and a missed the busy detour thrown in. My first cake awaited me- a great creation of pumpkin sitting in "dirt"- yum! Dinner was enjoyed at the mexican resteraunt nearby- Best Food Yes! they tell us and we agree. I think I barely ate the next day as the food was so good. Cake #2 was Friday afternoon snack as it was the soonest we had room for such a delight. A great appetizer for the dinner ahead.

My bear and I enjoyed a walk in the local woods... great predate activity. Nature does so much to restore me within. Leaves of all colors dancing through the air, grasses drying as they wave. So many memories of mine are connected with woods, fields and slowing the pace.

Friday night my love escorted me to the neighbors cabin where we were quickly seated by the matri di (she?). Sparkling bubbly soon followed and thus began the many courses... crab stuffed mushrooms, homemade french bread with dipping sauce, salad, artichoke, garlic sauted green beans and potatoes of choice. I thought the next course was the topper- Lobster! and oh my was it fun and delicious, but the dessert was about its equal- terimisu! YUM YUM YUM !!! all of it wonderful, delightful and a blessing. My children and the girls who children of our heart all served and blessed us with their presence and service. Matthew was our photographer, Elizabeth the su chef, Daniel our french/russian waiter, Bette and Jose his assistants and Jesse serenaded us with violin music! It ws fun to be part of both as recipeint and as bystander, hearing the kids work and play togehter in the kitchen. To enjoy their talents and willingness to serve others. To make memories together. To share a meal of such delight and blessing with friends who are as family.

What a day, what a night, what a birthday blessing. what scheming family and friends and neighbors... what a life. And the weekend was half over.

Saturday I reluctantly went to a yardsale, to bless my bear, I had other plans. Seems God may have had plans as well. We made a curiosity inquiry about a Jenn Air double wall oven that sat in the garage and were told it was free to whoever would take it away. we did a doubletake. (Our oven door glass departed us a few weeks ago and is on the slate for replacement (stove) when we get to remod.) we had talked about a wall oven. Free, 5 yr old, jenn air. hmmm... van ??? Yes, we fit it in the van and it now awaits our dreams to move to action. who would have thunk??? The rest of the day was filled with college grad for a friend... being part of the end of what was worked so hard on. And then trunk or treat...serving the community to help them have sweet memories of family time and the scent of Jesus in the midst of what can be a dark holiday. All good and busy and satisfying activities.

Sunday I awoke with a question of what to do- home or nature. I chose nature. After such a busy, busy weekend the idea of retreating to the woods seemed a salve for the harried life we lived over the past few days. We grabbed the youngest and loaded the van, and off we went. What peaceful beauty awaited us as we drove throught Tennessee countryside, walked on paths, pebble beaches and wooded lanes. We enjoyed the breezes off the lake, the decay of catfish larger than I think I knew existed, birds flying out of their wooden roost and dazzling us with their beauty. All of it renewing, bringig peace, contentment and a settling within.

So often I find that I resist going out when I am worn down. Yet when I do venture into nature I find that I am renewed. Maybe it is the sun, the breeze, the beauty???? Maybe it is just the tonic that God created it to be... it is Good!

Life returns to "normal" today... the cakes are about gone, one piece of tarimisu awaits in the fridge and the routine of the week awaits my engaging. I am ready, I have spent time rejoicing in the creation of my Lord, gazing at His beauty and resting on His day! I am blessed indeed!

Deaf to gifts of love

This weekend I am off to the annual ladies retreat for our homeschool ladies. A great group of women who care for the hearts of the women beyond getting grades in and blocks checked! Last year's retreat settled some questions in my heart and stretched me in new paths of faith. I am not sure what this one will bring forth, but part of me is a bit excited. I am sharing this one with my daughter and hoping she will find some kindred spirits among the many young ladies attending.

As I have been preparing for my little part of the weekend I have been reading The five Love Language of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell,MD. I am speaking on love languages and thought it would be a quick scan and picking of information. Ahh, is it ever so simple?

As I read over the chapter of the language of gifts this quote struck my heart.

"A true gift is ... an expression of love for the individual and is freely given by the donor. "

I thought about the many gifts given to me, the acts of service, the touches, the time spent with quality so I can fill up my need of for time deposits in my love tank and the many letters that fill my desire for affirmation and encouragement. I thought about my heart attitude in receiving the many gifts bestowed upon me and how I have received them.

When an expression of love matched my expectation it is joyfully received and cherished. Unfortunately when it was not a good match with my expectation I have not been gracious in my heart. The attitude was not gratitude. My bad.

I have been pricked this week to realize how much love has been poured into my life, but in a foreign language, one that I have not interpreted well. Sometimes I have figured out the message and in time have come to cherish the expression, unfortunately oftentimes it has come after the attitude of ingratitude has soured the gift and wounded the messenger. my bad. my sad.

This week I repented before my husband for my cluelessness in my heart of the hurts I was returning for the gifts given. My vision was all self centered- "what is in it for me" not what is he trying to tell me as he gave to me freely? When I scorned the hardware when I heard of the flowers- yet years later I turn to the "box of flowers" hardware box again and again in joy for the thoughtfulness and forsight of my husband for my needs. When I have belittled in my heart the gift of growing things that were given as I love plants, not thinking of how it was given freely and in love for my delight.

Oh how deceptive this heart has been in thinking of love as all about me. its not. Love in about sharing and caring and living beyond oneself. "Love is not selfseeking" (1Cor 13) When others give a hug it may be because they long to share their love with another. They may not realized that it is a foreign language to the reciepient. The home improvement that takes over the house might not be only an improvement but may also be an outpouring of lavish love by a spouse who speaks love with acts of service. Running an errand on the day its asked for is another way to speak "acts of servcie love". The card given when words dont come easy may be love shown in words of affirmation from another when he knows they are important to the receipient. When a child asks for a game or a book read, they may be asking for your time, your "quality time" to feed the need for that love language spoken in their life. And when a gift is given to you, no matter the size or value, taking time to value the heart of love that caused the giver to choose to bestow it is truly giving value to the gift- an act of love.

Oh that I would always have my universal love translator on. That I will always understand the love that is bestowed upon me and respond with gratitude and honor to those who pour out their life into mine. Maybe your translator needs a tune up as mine did. Check out a 5Love Language book at the library and retune your head and heart for the langugaes that bombard your life today!

I am now seeing the give and take of speaking love. Speak it from your heart, when able speak in the language of others, as you know the dialect. Listen close for the language of love in the words and actions of another and if confused consult the universal translator and consider the dialect spoken to clear up any communication confusion. When this is done the expressions of love abound.

living with the clothing clueless

We started our life together years ago with a life in the military, as such our closet was filled with uniforms, church clothes and a few other shirts and pants. The daily choice was dress uniform or BDUs', not really choices as they had set choices preselected by the powers that be.

Fast forward to 2007, the Mr is now working in midlevel management. The "uniform" has changed to business casual or a business suit or on Fridays casual attire. Though truth be known he tends to side on the casual side more than not, as I married a man who favors jeans and flannel shirts. He loves to dress down on the weekends. He longs for the "wooby" (lined flannel shirt that has been broken in) of 20 years ago. It has disappeared so the favorite is the 10yr old version. Nice.

On any given workday morning our darkened bedroom is interesting.
me- "what are you wearing"
him- "the greenish pants and the red kind of shirt"
me- "let me turn on the light" click "no, they don't really go."
him"why not"
me "the pants are casual, the shirt is not"
him "oh, well pick something out for me"

And so it went at first. Then I bought hangers and color coded the pants and shirts on matching kind of hangers. That worked ok. I then got out the paint chip charts and created a matching chart. The chart shows possible pant colors and possible shirt colors that co-ordinate. Oh to have adult gerr-animals that we had as kids- all the cats match, all the horses match. My color chip chart is the closest I could come up with easily.

Recently after a few weeks of "that isn't a casual shirt, its a dress shirt" mornings I got smart. I pulled out the label maker and have added a new feature to the closet for the clueless. He now has labeled sections in his part of the closet- casual shirts, pants (cargo pants), dress pants and dress shirts. Ahh, I think we have the solution here.


** For the record my dear husband tries really hard, its just that he has a learning gap here. Just as I have one for computers- I can use them and figure some of it out, but need lots of tutorials, his is a visual thing when it comes to clothes, colors and textures. He lovingly remembers the days of ease- the days of uniforms and few choices beyond clean or worn before pants and shirts as they all looked alike. So, I am thankful for the visual eye that I was born with and the bit of fashion sense I have gleaned over time. It has been fun to find creative ways to make something that was listed among his "hardest things in his life" to be a bit easier for him. Another way to be a "helpmeet" for my bear!

falling like flies

A few weeks ago my husband came home with the news that another couple we know are taking the path of least resistance- Divorce. In the past year it has felt like the couples around us are falling like flies. Different reasons, same reasons, reasons unknown- always something that spurs them to say "I'm done".

First came the couple we've known the longest from our military life. The call came after the D day occured, a tearful tale of infidelty, quick divorce and now a long time friend now leaving town and saying goodbye. She has managed to land on her feet in another state. Thankfully she has been provided well in the midst of it, and has turned to God in the midst of the pain. She is still very much in recovery but seeking God and finding solace there.

This past spring brought work related deaths of marriages. Boredom, too much separation, not enough connection, not really sure. But all of a sudden I found that my husband was surrounded by men who were no longer married to their wives- some happily, others tearfully yet the death occurred. And all so quickly it seemed. I spoke to one of the men, encouraging slowing down and breathing in the midst of the pain, but it all was too much- better quickly done than enduring the pain longer was the response.

We are not ignorant of marital strife, pain and mistakes. We have made our share of mistakes. Yet somehow in the midst of it all we have been stubborn enough to hold on and hang out and ride the wave of pain, the quell of quiet and slowly do the recovery work that comes with our own stupidity. Not easy, not fun, I dont like to admit it or visit it, but worth it all.

A few weeks ago as word came of another impeding split came my heart broke again. I wondered aloud to my husband if he would ask for a divorce if I came down with Alzheimers or was suddenly disabled and he'd have to scrap plans for the future as he desired it to be. That was my analogy of what was happening in the recent death scene- tired of what is, and as he looked at untold years ahead he wanted something different. As I came to grips with such thinking I thought of how life can change plans and we can make choices to change with or change commitments. Not easy to stay with early commitments, but marriage vows didn't ask for easy commitments.

So, as we continue down this path of matrimony, with all its joys and sorrows, all the laying down of our life, our wills and wants and timing. With the joys and high times, the memories and the normal days I think about what it is that I commited to.

" to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. "

Some days are better- we get along well, our words are sweet and kind and we enjoy each other. others are worse- we have few words and we dont like each other very much. silence or talk of the weather dominates our space. we dont agree and we dont want to be together.

We've had seasons of blessings- four children, sweet memories, abundance of things and peace.

We've had the "poor"- $35 paycheck and seasons of lots of beans and rice, debt and foolish spending and the drudgery of paying off our mistakes.

As for sickness and health , I've had seasons of being quite ill- once we looked at my life wondering how long it would last,I've sprawled on the lawn in great pain, he's had a bad back, and all the grumps that come with great enduring pain. We live with a child who has a health condition with an unknown quality about it.

We've had seasons of strength and we now find our bodies ache as we grow old together. Overall we think of health and we know that it is a blessing as we consider our life together

And then there is love- the part of the commitment that fills in the gaps and cracks-its characteristics so wonderful yet so hard at time to display

love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails

Cherish- to hold or treat as dear. to care for tenderly. to cling fondly to.

from this day forward until death do us part- wow! what a great reminder and time of reflection this has been. No wonder I delight in seeing older couples who have stayed the course, who have weathered the storm, who have allowed love to cover and cherishing to bind them together. what a delight to watch the ones who have soared and worked and struggles and commited. They too have known pain and heartache but somehow in the midst of the quiet days of pain they have chose to stick not hit and drop.

So, in this season as we watch others around us who have parted, and our heart breaks for their pain and choices we too have choices we make daily. will we believe lies about marriage? that it can't go the distance? that another will fill the gap within our heart and life? or will we review the commitment that was made when the love was fresh and the life ahead of us full of promise? will we choose to cherish for today, and today, and today? will we allow ourselves time to renew our heart if it has grown weary or cold toward our spouse? will we remind ourselves that the grass is green on the other side because its new growth but the same trials will come and the same lessons will have to be learned amidst life. Newness can come if we plant new seeds into our marriage today, and today, and today.

PS- I write this not in judgement of any kind, rather in reflection as I have found myself wondering who is next, and if we, after 25 years are likely to fall. I have long ago learned that I am but one step from any choice. I can honestly say that to see so many fall around me has rocked my world a bit, and I have had to remind myself of truth and from where my love comes. Even in writing this I have been reminded of the depth of my vows and how costly yet how dear they are. I continue to pray for the coupleswho have parted and we desire to encourage all who are in the midst of marriage struggles.

9131 days

9131 days...that is, to my best calculation, the number of days I have been married to my man. Lots of time it seems as I look at the number of days we've been together. My how they have risen in number without watching!

Today we celebrate our 25th anniversary. I remember our 5th anniversary as I was in the hospital following the birth of our first child. The 10th?? Hmmm no idea, the 15th??? the 20th fell as we were preparing the house for sale in the process of moving to NC from NY. We shared the day painting a foyer and enjoying dinner from Wendy's drive thru- I refused to eat in on my 20th but it was my favorite food to enjoy in my exhausted but contented state that day. Not the "normal" glory given an anniversary, but we are not normal and in that season it was just what we needed to move forward with life. My man honored me, the wife who was beginning to feel overwhelmed with what life was holding. He was about to head south and I was staying behind to sell the house alone. After that day I didnt feel quite so alone and overwhelmed.

Now here we are at the 25th year. How the years have passed, the last 5 years have been full with much adventure, change and life. Perhaps more than past seasons have held. Each "season" has had its theme and we have navigated through them. As I look ahead it is to a season of releasing some of the kinder for their own exploration of life and readjusting to new normals for each of us that such a season brings.

When I think of our marriage lasting so long, and the end not in sight I think of both the easy and the hard times. I wonder what has kept us stuck to this life path as partners instead of shooting off on our own. Amidst the reality of relating to one so very different and yet quite enjoyable enough to choose to spend to share life with it has not always been an easy choice to choose partnership rather than independence. Perhaps we're just too stubborn and proud to call it quits, perhaps it has been our choice from day one to forbid the "D" word to pass our lips or be entertained in our minds. We have had our seasons in the low lands of marriage and love as well as the heights of love and passion. Mostly though marriage is lived daily, and that calls for perseverence and grace.

I think of our many memories shared- military life, Germany tours, children, young adulthood, hobbies, camping together, shared friends and most important to us our faith. What rich heritage we have in the many memories and relationships we've cherished over the past years. How fun it is to realize that somehow this guy you married you have grown old with and yet in some things you are still a young bride. I am still learning things or maybe relearning who he is and how he is best blessed. We find that we continue to grow together as we share our joys and struggles. We have found new interests to pursue, parenthood continues to grow us beyond ourselves- both individually and as a couple.

As day 9131 approached many thoughts and conversations came and went about its celebration. We spoke of cruises and rings, campouts and other things- all the stuff of dreams and romance novels. Yet this simple hearted girl was brought to tears in reading the words of my love this morning when he wrote "Know your still my bestest friend and given the chance to do it for the next 25 years, I am all in. " I have his heart, He is all in. Wow! Who needs the stuff and doing when just being is what truly blesses my heart. So, as this day comes and goes it will be simplicity and inner delight in knowing that we are sharing life together, we are a team, running the race of life, pressing forward toward the goals that God sets before us and looking forward to the day when it wont be just 9131 but in the ten thousand range and beyond.

Update- my silly bear took me out for dinner - seems we're starting a tradition. It was Wendy's again- alfresco- we watched a soccer practice as we dined under the clouds amidst breezes and surrounded by nature. I laughed and enjoyed his consideration. It is kind of fun to be silly and simple - I think we'll dine in at Wendy's for the 30th- but I may bring the tablecloth and candles to make it a proper meal! Funny how traditions start and gain a life of their own!

Faith or Fear- what is happening within??

The Lord is always gentle to nudge us slowly and so he began with a conversation here, a word there. Then I happened upon 1 Peter 3:5-6. The passage was talking about wives, submission, reverence, outward adornment and the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God’s sight. It then goes on to say-

“For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. “

As I read these verses I thought of how Sara was the wife of one of the patriarchs in the Faith Hall of Fame (Heb11), how she endured so much and waited upon the Lord for answered prayer. She obeyed Abraham twice when he, in fear, claimed her as his sister, not his wife. Both times God protected her. I thought of how she could have given into fear with the uncertainty of the situation her husband’s decision had put her in. Yet God was with her, He saw her position and cared for her. If God is willing and able to protect Sara will He not also care for me?

As I read the last line of these verses I considered the “do what is right”- and realized that in the beginning of the passage it spoke of women who put their trust in God. In so doing it allowed the inward beauty of faith to reflect outwardly. That beauty was a reflection of the honor given to both God and their husbands. It is a beautiful thing to see a woman respond with unity and willingness to God and her husband. As I honor God with trust and then honor the authority over me; my husband glory is given to my Lord.

There is an analogy here, Christ willingly submitted and laid down his life for the will of his father. We don’t hear Jesus griping and complaining and striving to gain his own way, rather he chose to submit and in so doing to glorify the Father. In like manner we as wives have the choice to chose to submit and in so doing bring glory to our husbands and beauty to our lives.

When I consider that Christ is my role model for submission and I see how He chose to lay down his very life willingly I find myself needing to consider my heart attitude. I am challenged to consider what my heart attitude is as I approach my husband and my Lord. Is my attitude one of willing obedience or reluctant acceptance? Do I fight and throw a fit because I can’t have my way? The light of truth shines upon my heart - areas I thought I was doing so well in God in his gentleness illuminates my selfish, sinful attitudes. I begin to face my sin and the reality of my heart.

I have considered what often blocks my willingness to lay down my will for his and it is fear- the “what if’s?” or the “you don’t understand”- all fear related. Recently I have considered my motives when I start to balk at the leadership of my husband and more often than I like to admit I find that the root of my response is in fact either fear or the desire to be in control. Here God labels the motives of my heart. God knows that I, as a woman long to be in control, because I, in my heart trust myself more than Him or my husband, I want to protect myself and care for myself.

The sin of pride continues to beset my life- outwardly I say I need God yet in my heart of hearts all too often I think and act like I can take care of myself better than He can. Yet He reminds us as women that to do what is right is to honor and submit to my husband and not give into fear.

Am I willing to trust in the God who cared for Sara? Am I willing to trust in Him to direct and guide my husband as he leads our family? Am I willing to trust even as Sara did as her husband was passing her off as a sister rather than protecting her like a husband? Oh this is hard to say yes to.

This verse stood out, so much so that I wrote it on my mirror. Daily I am faced with the challenge and reminder of God’s word and daily I am caused to wrestle a bit more with my fear and my faith. I have by no means conquered this area but I am finding the wrestling good exercise for I desire to glorify God with my life. I desire to be a daughter of Sara- putting my hope in God and thereby reflecting His beauty. I desire to honor and respect my husband and allow God to lead our family through Him.

Perhaps you will join me in reflecting on what is going on within as you choose to respond with faith or fear to your God and your husband.