wet weekend

Its been rather wet in Toney this weekend. Thankfully it has all stayed outside if you dont count what we have tracked in on our feet. That is right, it seems that the roof is fixed, not sure where the leak originated or which glob of caulk sealed it but the water is no longer invading the room upstairs- YEAH!!!!

It has been a weekend of rest as the end of the week was a "life is what happens when you make other plans" kind of days. Our dear neighbor had a virus that seems to have caused dehydration that seems to have caused her to pass out that led to broken fingers that caused much pain..... hospital.... doctors office visits....childcare.... Kind of the "if you give the mouse a coookie" (a children's book) scenrio but it was rather the illness gone wrong strain of life. She is now happily braced, drugged and waiting for swelling to go down and surgery to pin her fingers into happy places. short drop makes for big boo boos! We found our life in the midst of theirs as support team. It was fun to be around 1.5, 4, and 6 yr olds. When baby chicks arrived on Friday Paul became chief chick sitter and it was fun to see the cute soft chicks peep their way into our hearts.

The garden is mostly planted. We have begun to harvest broccoli and strawberries- yum!! i need to think of things to eat spring onions with as they are doing great. The spinach is beginning to come up as are the beets so in a few weeks they will be ready to enjoy. I built three new boxes and have planted in two of them. I will be taking the cucumbers and squash verticle this year- no longer allowing them to run rampant over the ground. I am hoping to focus the cuc's energy on fruit and less on vine this year- we'll see how it goes. It looks like the peach tree and grape vines are settling into life in the side yard. I have put in enough flowers that I now need to keep away from Lowe's - my favorite place to go for deep discount, rescue me before I die plants. so cheap its hard to say no, but I will try.

We helped out a co-worker of Paul a few weeks ago. He had surgery and had not gotten to the spring cleanup of the yard. The Team Varian swept in and groomed it into manageable shape. Amidst that morning of activity came the lesson of "dont overplant" - thinking forward to what is truly manageable in terms of flower beds and plant maintance for the golden years of life. I think I am there about where I am at. I have been adding small perrenial beds around bases of foundation and fencing but I think it may be time to stop. There gets to be a point of too much and if I am not careful I may hit it. At present the ivy that swarms the front bed feels like too much, but I have been reluctant to roundup the vines- it may yet occur, just to keep ahead of the growth.

This year is a bit different here, the last two were drought kind of years, this one is not, at all. We shall begin to truly see the growth potential of the land here. My hydrengas may actually bloom and all the small ones i transplanted last year may grown up a bit. Exciting and scary at the same time. Already I am seeing where plants will be a bit crowded, but I am getting less and less leary of being a transplaner. I guess I have begun to "own" my home and gardens. The sage bushes were moved out of the herb garden - I dont like sage- and relegated to ornamental bush. I have moved in some daisies as I love that flower and would like to enjoy some cut flowers among the herbs.

So as the cool weather makes the green vibrant outside I am enjoying a leisurely Sunday. I spent the afternoon out with my daughter- a blessing to enjoy her company and she seems to reflect the same. Now a quiet evening of quiliting and looking forward to the week ahead. I am thankfull for the slower pace that wet weekends bring to us.

blog slacking

I was visiting an old friends blog and saw the term blog slacker, and thought, yup that has been me. Life has been happening- seems it often gets in the way of glorious creations, elaborate plans and dreams that seeem so great, until reality shoves its way into the bubble of dreamland.

This week has been one of bouncing fevers. Our son started Saturday morning flopping on the stairs, the bathroom floor and holding his head- he was NOT well- ("faking it" said one sibling- NOT said mom). Fast forward a few hours, cleanup of the erruption that followed and we had one sick kid on our hands, but by noon all looked good. And so began the roller coaster ride of this flu that wouldn't shoo. Temps spiked at 100-101, up and down they went. yesterday (tues) we went to see doc- to be safe, and were cofirmed that it looked like the flu. Today he is coming back to normal- a nice thing after seeing him lay his head on the island too miserable to eat dinner, yet 45 min later chowing down and asking for dessert!? the joys of rollercoaster flu!

So, today we ventured back into some books, but going slow. He says he is "55%" on the way to health. I am cautious, but rejoicing to have him back. It will be good to be back on level ground and no more rollercoaster riding.

It was interesting to me - I enjoyed having a bit of free time from schooling- finishing a quilting top while he slept. yet at the same time the house was quiet and part of me longed for routine. Other times as I answered the many calls for "mom" I found myself weary of being on call, feeling trapped on the outside as he was inside his flu laden body. A week of testing my selflessness- not sure I always passed. More of my mess reflected in the mirror of myheart.

So, slowly this blog slacker is re-entering life. Perhaps now I will also venture into the garden life and stop slacking there... I have big plans, but find myself slow to engage as I pamper my everpresent tennis elbow that I want to ignore, yet it wont let me and so i must acknowledge that I am not full strength and need to tone back my activity level from hyper to a bit normal. So, I may, or may not get extra boxes in this year, I may or may not achieve all I set out for. I guess in reality it really is ok to not do so much, but after being hyper it can be hard to slow down. So, if I slack, perhaps it is for my good, it is a slowing down, living life at a more reasonable pace.

the lightbulb went on

We were riding in the car, doing math and multitasking- math on the go so we could once again have food in the house. Once again I heard " I am confused" from my son. My first reaction was frustration at a simple instruction not making sense to him. Then the lightbulb went on.

A few weeks ago I was told that mini seizures were/ are/ have been happening in his brain, 1 sec blips that alter consciousness. At times I have seen them and nicknamed them the "one second pause", thinking it was a processing delay. No, seizure. At that moment the connection hit- the "I'm confused" may actually be my cue that he has returned from a brain storm, a minor one but one that has left him fuzzy on what is/ was happening and now needs to be cued in to present activity.

Another dot connected! A moment of "duh, why did I not get that sooner?" A realization that what I may be hearing and what he is speaking can be two totally different things. A moment when I begin to look at life from his seat a wee little bit. A blessing to me to understand a bit more of the struggles he faces.

So, slowly the lightbulbs are warming up here, the understanding of life with epilepsy and the many facets of its walk grows within us. Some weeks the light feels strong and harsh, other days we do not even notice that it is shining in our lives. Many times we are shaped with grace and mercy and compassion as we consider what our buddy has to deal with at unexpected times and for undetermined days.

In all this we thank the Lord for understanding,revelation, compassion and protection. We seek to be gracious and keep it all in perspective. The lite lightbulb is helping.

T tapp time

A few weeks ago I attended a ladies retreat- all about keepers of the home and loving husbands well. In the middle of Saturday afternoon some ladies threw in an extra- a promo of an exercise system that they have been doing and finding great results in... in 15 min a day! It sounded cool, their demo and testimonies were strong, and the free DVD demo and paperwork were a plus. I have known that I needed to change something but the elliptical continues to gather dust and the weights just seem heavy and as beautiful as our neighborhood is I just don't seem to be able to motivate myself to walk down the street on a regular basis.

I was blessed to receive a door prize of a DVD set, so I came home and watched the informational seminar. The next day I was a bit sore having done a few of the simple movements shown. hmmm. I next began "boot camp"- learning a series of moves that were awkward at first and as time went by became easier. Now a week and half later, most are familiar and I am finding that my previously tight shoulders are loose. I am less inclined to rest in the afternoon and perhaps my cloudy brain is not quite so cloudy.

This morning I left "boot camp" behind and ventured into the full routine and managed to keep up. It ended with "hoedowns" - a series of movements that can drop glucose levels and burn calories- they get the heart pumping for sure. I was breathless and yet refreshed at the end of the 18 min of exercises.

The amazing thing about t-tapp is the testimonies- folks do only the 15 min of these exercises and in weeks have lost a dress size or many belt notches. Weight is flushed out as they bend knee, tuck but, shoulders back and knees over little toe to begin exercising. The lymphatic system is activated and the body goes to work to burn and stretch.

Today I measured myself as I am beginning to wonder if there is any changes going on... time will tell. I am not feeling quite so creaky and with the loose shoulders I am thinking something is happening in my 15 min a day of stretch and burn time. In general there seems to be a tightness within my core that I dont recall being there before. That and the fact that I keep going back and doing the exercises, I have not been this repetitive before on any exercise for a long time. Maybe its the knowledge that its only 15 min, not 30 min, or a long distance or, or , or. speaking of which, time to t-tapp again!

brain storms

This morning we awoke early in preparation for the days events. First up on the schedule was Dad vs #4 on the wii, then on to the computer for some Battlefront action followed by b'fast out at Hardees with mom. So began our day of early waking to sleep deprive our child so he was ready for an EEG.

What was last week a "lets see what is going on" scheduling of an EEG (monitoring of brain wave activity) this week became a timely event. Earlier in the week our early morning sleep in time was interrupted by pounding feet and a knock at the door- #4 was in the midst of a brain storm. A seizure. A short one but one that interrupted his life and ours for a few minutes of time. It was a quick one, unexpected as they all are, but powerful.

This morning as I sat in the darkened room and watched the lines jump and bounce I wondered at what I was seeing. Over the past year we have changed medications slowly, adapting to a new drug that seemed to bring control. Only to find during a fall campout while sharing tent space that our sleep was interuppted by the sounds of a new brain storm. Now spring break has again brought our attention to the ever present, not often thought about guest to our lives- epilepsy.

Todays' revelation coupled with the midweeek "brain party" as I had dubbed it resulted in knowledge that status quo was not enough. So I returned home to add more pills to the pill boxes and again begin on the journey of increase in hopes of stilling the storms and calling an end to the pauses that are more than a pause.

I am grateful for the time spent in sheltered workshops and group homes as a young adult, where seizures were seen and adjusted to. Those days prepared me to respond not react to what I might find when I enter a room where a storm is occuring. I am grateful to the calm that is peace in the midst of reality that all electrical circuits are not firing normally. I expect that all will settle and rest, though in the back of my mind I know it could take a while, I pray that it is quick.

I find that as I dialogue about what our life holds that it is a reality that I don't process in its fullness, but face it bit by bit, event by event. As I shared the timeline and history recently I realized that we have walked a path of much variety and variation. That the silent presence of epilepsy is truly present, no longer just something in the back closet. It influences and affects us and yet we work hard to limit the impact and to live life fully in the midst of its presence.

Months ago epilepsy was a back closet topic; acknowledged but kind of ignored and in the realm of denial. Today I am more welcoming of it, more accepting of it, sharing it more freely. I have talked with our son of the whys and how are you doings? that surround living with seizures.

I am sure he is weary of the unexpected, tiring, and extra parts of his life that come with being a keeper of the storms. It is part of our family life for now so we prepare, train and respond as needed. We pray for and thank God for our doc's and all in the health care profession who help us on this journey. We are made more aware of its hazards when it makes the headlines with hollywood attention, and we breathe easy and kind of forget when weeks pass without any hint of activity.

Brainstorms, brain storms- same letters, different activities. May your life be full of brainstorms and my your heart and head be full of compassion and grace to those who experience brain storms.

Bitterness

Seems to be a morning of reflection... a morning for writing and thinking, good stuff for a bit and then back into my hyper life.

I was caught up short last week by a comment made to me. "Glad you aren't bitter" it was spoken with sarcasm and I caught it. I was surprised by it. Stunned. And my heart was pricked. Was I bitter? hmmm, welll, maybe, hmmmm. I spent time reflecting upon forgiveness and bitterness, considering it, rolling it over in my mind and heart.

My name means bitter in Hebrew; Mara- bitter. I have known this for years and strived to not become bitter. I have heard bitterness drip from those around me. Seen the wounds manifest themselves in their physical body. Unforgiveness drives deep into the bones of others and the spirit of an unforgiving person is "bitter" to behold. I thought I was immune. Hah! not!

Amidst the struggles of the past few years, taking it in stride and facing each struggle along the way I have unwittingly given in to tastes and touches of bitternesss. The record player has played a bit long on the woes of the injustice, the struggle and the drama of our lives. I had become aware of the broken record sound several months ago and tried to turn the volumne down, pull the plug and lay it to rest. I have not totally suceeded. A continual battle is the struggle to give up rights to self, to justice, to honor.

And last week, my words spoke volumnes of the attitude of my arrogant heart without my awareness. Again, I was clueless, until the prick came and God gently shined a light upon the attitude within. Pride. A battle I often ignore yet fight in the depth of my heart on a daily basis. Pride. the right to rule my life, my self, my world. the right to choose my will over His will. The "right" for justice and honor.

Over the last week I have been turning such thoughts over in my mind. Bitterness and forgiveness, which will I choose to walk in? Oh, this is a strong will within. Excuses and explanations abound in my head and heart, justifications and explantions, any way to avoid facing this wicked heart and the reality of its ugly state. Yet as the days pass and God's spirit continues to speak gently within the words come easier and His healing comes. Grace begets grace. His grace reminds me of the depth of His forgiveness, and this helps me to lay down my "rights" and my mess and let go of my bitterness, my hurt, my pain.

So the battle rages on- the battle to be without bitterness, to let go. To give up rights and lay down my will and demands before the Lord. To walk in forgiveness and reflect Him both inside and out. In words and deed. The battle to surrender- to lay down my life before the giver of life, accepting that which He brings into my life. Not easy, not fun yet so worth the peace that follows.

Deaf to gifts of love

This weekend I am off to the annual ladies retreat for our homeschool ladies. A great group of women who care for the hearts of the women beyond getting grades in and blocks checked! Last year's retreat settled some questions in my heart and stretched me in new paths of faith. I am not sure what this one will bring forth, but part of me is a bit excited. I am sharing this one with my daughter and hoping she will find some kindred spirits among the many young ladies attending.

As I have been preparing for my little part of the weekend I have been reading The five Love Language of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell,MD. I am speaking on love languages and thought it would be a quick scan and picking of information. Ahh, is it ever so simple?

As I read over the chapter of the language of gifts this quote struck my heart.

"A true gift is ... an expression of love for the individual and is freely given by the donor. "

I thought about the many gifts given to me, the acts of service, the touches, the time spent with quality so I can fill up my need of for time deposits in my love tank and the many letters that fill my desire for affirmation and encouragement. I thought about my heart attitude in receiving the many gifts bestowed upon me and how I have received them.

When an expression of love matched my expectation it is joyfully received and cherished. Unfortunately when it was not a good match with my expectation I have not been gracious in my heart. The attitude was not gratitude. My bad.

I have been pricked this week to realize how much love has been poured into my life, but in a foreign language, one that I have not interpreted well. Sometimes I have figured out the message and in time have come to cherish the expression, unfortunately oftentimes it has come after the attitude of ingratitude has soured the gift and wounded the messenger. my bad. my sad.

This week I repented before my husband for my cluelessness in my heart of the hurts I was returning for the gifts given. My vision was all self centered- "what is in it for me" not what is he trying to tell me as he gave to me freely? When I scorned the hardware when I heard of the flowers- yet years later I turn to the "box of flowers" hardware box again and again in joy for the thoughtfulness and forsight of my husband for my needs. When I have belittled in my heart the gift of growing things that were given as I love plants, not thinking of how it was given freely and in love for my delight.

Oh how deceptive this heart has been in thinking of love as all about me. its not. Love in about sharing and caring and living beyond oneself. "Love is not selfseeking" (1Cor 13) When others give a hug it may be because they long to share their love with another. They may not realized that it is a foreign language to the reciepient. The home improvement that takes over the house might not be only an improvement but may also be an outpouring of lavish love by a spouse who speaks love with acts of service. Running an errand on the day its asked for is another way to speak "acts of servcie love". The card given when words dont come easy may be love shown in words of affirmation from another when he knows they are important to the receipient. When a child asks for a game or a book read, they may be asking for your time, your "quality time" to feed the need for that love language spoken in their life. And when a gift is given to you, no matter the size or value, taking time to value the heart of love that caused the giver to choose to bestow it is truly giving value to the gift- an act of love.

Oh that I would always have my universal love translator on. That I will always understand the love that is bestowed upon me and respond with gratitude and honor to those who pour out their life into mine. Maybe your translator needs a tune up as mine did. Check out a 5Love Language book at the library and retune your head and heart for the langugaes that bombard your life today!

I am now seeing the give and take of speaking love. Speak it from your heart, when able speak in the language of others, as you know the dialect. Listen close for the language of love in the words and actions of another and if confused consult the universal translator and consider the dialect spoken to clear up any communication confusion. When this is done the expressions of love abound.

slowing down to breathe

Today I had a full agenda. School in the morning. Art class prep mid day then on to Physical therapy. After that pick up one son, then another and be on the road doing errands until dinner at church and then classes in the evening. Home by 830- whew! done!

All that changed about 1:55 today when I did not slow down, breathe and take my time at a stop sign. I approached the stop sign. I looked left and right and thinking I had time to pull into traffic as vehicles were only on the horizon I pulled. As I made the turn there was a noise, a bump and brakes- hmmm??!!! I pulled over, uncertain of what had happened. I had been struck.

It seems that when I looked right I missed the little red pickup that was approaching the intersection. The car I did see watched me pull into his travel path and his attempt to avoid a collision. He pulled to the right, and did as best he could, but did clip the back of the passenger door and front of the rear panel.

He was gracious and kind as I apologized and told of my lack of sight. It was a new experience for each of us; a car accident. We were both thankful for the lack of injury and apparent minor damage to our vehicles. we both drove away, shook up but uninjured. I, saddened by the cost of my haste, the hassle and cost of repairs ahead. A bit in shock over the unexpected turn to the day.

Accidents are strange... you know what you did and saw, and believe your perception to be true, yet the witnesses tell of other impressions. A moment before I had been contemplating forgiveness and bitterness, talking to God about a recent conversation and thinking about my heart attitude, yet also feeling the weariness of the day.

Oh that I would have breathed a breath, seen the little green truck. waited a bit longer. perhaps it was behind the trees and shrubs to my right as i scanned the road, perhaps i looked too far down the road and not near enough. i will never know. i do know that I will be much slower in pulling away from stop signs in the future. I will take a breath and pause a bit.

Just as I have developed my routine for starting the diesel truck- turn key, put on seat belt, start truck (having allowed wait to start light to shut off) so I think I will rethink my mode of operation at stop signs. Maybe stop, 3 breaths as I look back and forth, then pull out for clear travel.

For today, I am staying home. My active afternoon came to a halt with the unexpected trip on the way home. I am recovering from myself, content to stay put. tomorrow will bring more time on the road, more time to practice breathing.




so if you come up behind a red van and it seems slow to pull away from the stop sign, be patient, it may be saving her some $$$ and time in the long run.

passing the torch

Today as I was telling of our banner picture, thinking of the season of joy its creation was filled with I realized it was also a season of learning. We had struggled with process management of the waste system within the house and found a reasonable solution. It prepared us for a conversation that came about a few months later. I was able to quickly offer a viable solution.

Greater still was the joy in being able to send an emmissary of help to another state to help the other family with waste management struggles to install a solution device. We passed the torch of learning and solution. It would have been easy enough to not engage in conversation and dialogue aobut the learning curve we have journeyed upon. Rather we had and from that conversation help and heath transpired.

Kind of like life, we all have journeys of learning- some easily shared, some within our heart and soul, less openly revealed. There are times that we quickly reveal the experiences, other times with reluctance. I have found that rarely is an experience that leaves a lasting memory one that does not have value to be shared with others. At times it needs to be covered with prayer and sensitivity, other times laughter or hands one application is the venue of passign the torch. It is in the sharing that I find the pain of the initial experience is validated and expanded to worth.

Funny how often God has used the humble things to reveal wisdom. Once it was clogged pipes to speak to my heart about my stubborn pride. Septic gas to reflect my aroma. Sometimes it is watching nature or the way of children. Other times it is the experience of another to remind me of how my past reflects that which I would be quick to criticize, forgetting my own nature.

I am thankful for lessons that stay and can be passed on to others.