Toneylife

New Year, New posts

2012-01-04T07:58:00.000-06:00

A friend's message has caused movement - a good thing. I thought that I had not written for months, only to find that the reality is that I had written, just not posted, so today I have swamped the blog with all my old posts that were not seen only written.
As this year begins it, as most, comes with a sense of opportunity and clean slate. Our christmas letter was themed :change, for that seems to be the season we are in. As I look ahead I can anticipate what might come but having lived more than 4 decades with many unexepected twists and turns to our story there is much unknown that the year ahead may hold.
Sunday's sermon spoke to the idea of resolution and how it is so often man centered. yet we are God created people, and who knows better our center and our needs for the season ahead than our creator. So, this year instead of trying to determine what I should do I am asking the God of the Universe to guide me in the changes He would have me make. Just as I found Him to change my heart to exercise, so I anticipate him changing some other things within me in the months ahead. I am spending the next 40 days rereading and listening close as I work my way through The Purpose Driven Life.
My husband and I were blessed with a new devotional and we are using that to share life together daily. It has been good - Love Talk is the title.

This month I anticipate - new information on my husbands brain- it has been a year of knowing he is living with MS and this week we get a "lets see how it is really going" MRI. Not sure what is ahead but this may be a signposts. We continue with green smoothies and seeking to increase health naturally along with my periodic opportunities to legeally shoot him! (talk about God moments - this comes from a needle fearing girl who by God's strength now gives injections!)

This month we also watch our middle son move from boy to recruit to Marine! He has been away for 10 weeks. The house has been quiet, peacefully so. The food lingers in the fridge. We watch and wait for letters and gather around to savor words from afar. I think I will miss the letter writing when he is released and has phone privilidges, hmmm may still have to keep it up. We have heard of heart change and seen it indicated by his words. soon we shall get to live with him and see how and what the transformation has reprioritized in his head and heart.

This month our daughter returns to college- only one in college now. The all too short semester break is soon over and the pace will pick up. I shall miss having her about the house, watching her creativity flow. I am sure she brings life to her work and the people there- she inspried a skirt day and word is one of the guys donned a sport skirt jsut for the fun of it- over his jeans!

The eldest is in a season of waiting- college is done for this season and he is waiting for the first real job- thankfully his part time work continues. He remains creative as he waits- building and creating. Presently working on motion control switch for our garage streetlight- fun! (I think he may be tired of stumbling in a dark garage). He is a published creator- instructables.com - fun!

And with the new year I must return to my day job. My student reluctantly awaits the start of his education. Winter break was all too short for him, he pleaded for another week as the dust was burning off his brain witha afew math problems. Time to hit the books hard again and explore ancient history, creation and art! Time to fill the exercise log that has only seen limited use over the holidays. Time to live life together as we move through the year ahead!

wounds revisited

2012-01-04T07:33:00.001-06:00

One day when I was a girl my dad took my sisters and brothers camping and I stayed home with my mom. later on that day we visited a neighbor. Many of the details of that time are fuzzy, I never quite realized that drinks were being enjoyed or what exactly was going on. What has stayed with me was the mean anger of the woman towards me, the orders and unkindness and all the confusion, panic and fear of that afternoon. Only later did I realize that she was drunk, that her angry demands were not from her but from the drink. I recall running home, sad and feeling abandoned, shaking and not wanting to ever go back there again.

Today the memory came back again, unexpected but there none the less. I have wrestled with the issue of alcohol in recent days. What is balance, what is out of balance? How do I, one who does not like the taste in any form, and yes, I have sampled a taste of many, fit in with the many around who seem to daily enjoy a drink or two. How do I continue to stand firm on my convictions as the drinks come out and I alone abstain.

I had thought that my resolve was to not drink because I had an alcoholic grandfather. As a newlywed facing hard times of husband deployed and an empty house night after night I resolved that I would endure, though I acknowledged that I could choose to turn to drink, I did not. As a newlywed I wateched many drink in many levels, and never found need nor desire for. The environment sometimes was off putting, the taste or smell other times off putting and ocassionally the behavior made me long to be elsewhere.

After a time in life friends changed and drinking was rarely a topic or issue to be considered. Recently I have noticed that there has been a change. With gatherings have come brown bottles. Often its just one, but othertimes they have collected. Sometimes it is a reward after a long day of hard work, or a refreshment after laboring in the pool tossing kids about to their delight. Othertimes the beverages have appeared unexpectedly and flowed freely, and I have wondered at their presence.

Today I was caught short by my mmeory. I believe it is the root of my discomfort with alcohol. I realize that it has probably tempered my being as wounds can while we live unaware. When a first experience is strongly negative it establishes a good scar. I think that I dont regret part of it as it has helped me establish a boundary that has served me well. At the same time it may have served me poorly as I am not sure that i am balanced and at present I find myself fairly confused as to what balance looks like.

As I reflect upon some of my early adult life wounds there were several, they have had an affect. i dont want them to reign, yet i also do not want to miss the value of the wisdom that they might teach me.

Heart change makes all the difference

2012-01-04T07:31:00.001-06:00

Throughout our married life the issue of exercise has been a sore topic. Paul exercised, I hardly at all. There have been seasons of Jazzercize, a short running class and several months of TTapp. Each has been good, rewarding and yet work without alot of enjoyment.

Last month, after returning from a trip to CA, I had another conversation about exercise with my husband. The reality of the impact of my life upon the family was noted. The need for me to be strong and healthy and his partner in this season of life was revealed. I had not realized how what I did really had a ripple effect. Sometime following that conversation the Lord shifted things in my heart and I chose to engage in exercise.

I have since kept the previously dusty elliptical well dusted. I started slow- 10 min walk,slowly moved up to 12.5 min. I don't rush because I know pain and I are not friends. As the weeks passed I started to post goals on the sliding glass window that I look out as I work. Today I have passed my 15 min goal and once again worked for 20 min, started using a program to increase resistance and went 1.3 miles. No records set, no major marathon run, but a routine is setting in. An enjoyment in rising to the challenge and sweating hard. I find I look forward to M,W,F,Sa workouts in the morning.

There have been other benefits- with my exercise I am now challenging the youngest to work on the elliptical. For him, a challenge is a goal to rise to, competition will drive him forward. My head is now focused upon exercise so it gets proper attention in his life as well as mine. Daily we are working on physical things that have been long ignored.

Heart change- a small thing but a huge in impact. I continue to be amazed at the work that God has done within so simply and quietly.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

moments of gratitude

2012-01-04T07:31:00.000-06:00

Every day life can quickly creep in and cause us to forget the moments of gratitude we find amidst daily living. This morning it was discoveirng my "lost" debit card on third search of my wallet- just before the call to the bank and all the inconveniences that would put into action.

thank you lord for hesitation and eyes to see on the third look.

Last week it was the provision of 2" rigid foam within my budget. I wanted to make a gap filler for my sewing machine table, a 4 x 6 sheet costs $30. My budget was $10. I "just happened" to spot a stray piece at HD and when asked it was marked down to $10 and has now met my needs with leftovers to spare.

Thank you for provision within my means.

For years I have struggled to commit to exercise. About a month ago my husband and I had yet another conversation about the need for exercise in our life. At some point following that conversation I sensed a heart change within. I no longer think of dusting the elliptical, rather I am looking forward to my time keeping it greased. Compettion between the youngest and I have helped to motivate us both to strive longer and farther.

A new trashcan location greeted me when i returned from vaction- front and center of the kitchen. Logistically it was great, estecially,not so much. My can had no lid and was several years old. Long overdue for replacement so the trash could be covered I balked at the thought of paying $50+ for a nice new metal one with lid. As I walked through Sam's club i started to consider how high i was willing to go as theirs were right at $50. Then I noticed a dented one on the scratch and dent rack- half price! Score- home we went, worked on some dents, found a spot where the dent isnt front and cneter and my kitchen trash can has once again been relocated closer and I am at ease with price paid.

Thank you for timely visits to scratch and dent racks that meet both need and wants and budget.

I have been looking for activities to help us get out of the house routinely now that we are not in a co-op. Thursdays now have homeschool swim time in the closest rec center, swim lesons offeredn next month. We begin today and piggyback it with our vision therapy appt.

Thank you for organizing our opportunities when we are uncertain of how to pull it together.

Our daughter has been away at camp all summer. She goes to school locally and needs a job to pay for expenses. It was with great joy that after working 4-5 days before camp that they told her tocall when she was ready to return after camp. She is back to work again and the schedule seems to be flexible enough to work around her school schedule.

Thankyou for employers that understand summer camp and are willing for wait for you to return.

We were traveling to NY and home again. The trip north went well and on the first night we found ourselves on the border of NY. The trip home we were able to make it home in 18.5 hours, thus giving us an extra day of rest before reentering life as "normal" . Not sure when the roads came together to make it possible but all of a sudden the trip to NY is not the daunting 20+ hours long.

Thank your for road engineers and highways that make passages through Ohio and allowing us to not have to drive through big big citiies and tons of traffic.

Amidst daily life it is easy to develop short thinking- I am happy to pause and think about the many blessings and joys in my life.

Letting loneliness rule

2011-10-31T19:34:00.002-05:00

We hear of folks being lonely, we all know the pain of it to one degree or another. Wounding happens to us all, but sometimes those wounds penetrate deep and scar deeply. Today I heard the pain in a friend's voice, tales of friendships that are no longer, tales of unspoken and not understood abandonment. Pain that loomed so large that leaving seemed a better option than enduring.

Thankfully not enough pills were taken to complete the mission. Sadly the pain was endured, and being alone and the lack of connection perpetuates the lie that others don't care. My heart cries for this dear sweet soul that was created in a special, simpler way. Family does not embrace this one well, life is often lived alone or with peers as friends and family. Distance separates us so I could not hug a neck and give the gift of touch. Happily hospitals are thoughtful to offer a modern option- e-cards! I was able to send one and as we spoke on the phone, the voice was lifted with joy-someone cared enough to send a card.

Oh how often do our words have power that we don't understand? How often do we consider the widows, orphans and ignored ones that the Lord watches from afar? Oh that we would be aware of those who dwell in the shadows, that we speak words of love and care. Oh that I would act on thoughts of contact and not just think them. That I would shore up those whom dwell in lonely places with prayer.

Tonight I am dwelling, praying for my friend, that hope and healing would come with the dawn and courage to face the day would renew within daily.

What does MS look like to me?

2011-10-21T20:15:00.000-05:00

What does the face of MS look like to me right now?

Change- lots of changes going on- change of routine, change of diet, change of what is normal, change of thinking, change of priorities. Who moved my cheese? MS did...... so I am getting use to sniffing out the scent of the cheese to find a new normal.

Live Today- I an no longer sure what today may hold- it may be typical, normal and routine or it may have the added factor of a numbness, foginess or fatigue thrown in just because its that kind of day. We are learning to rejoice in each day, life in each day and enjoy whatever it may hold.

Fatigue- such an unfamiliar visitor to our life until recent. When the Bear comes home and needs a nap after work I know you have come to visit. When sitting and vegging is about all he can do, I know you are the guider of our day. You are unfamiliar to my once workaholic man. You are a stranger to the one who can chainsaw for hours with great delight, but now you stop his normal, causing us to find a new normal. Naps become part of the agenda and its ok; just part of the season of life we walk in for now.

Exercise- the dreaded, avoided and ignored activity that has plagued me for years because I never engaged. Now you are my friend- you give me strength, renew my energy and lift my spirits. I am learning to look forward to the audiobook or music of the session. I am seeing the benefit to me, as a caregiver, and to the bear as he fights to keep muscle tone and strength.

Simplify- when life causes you to stop and look anew, simplicity becomes a desired goal. We have begun to evaluate and eliminate. Proritiies have been shifted and we continue to adjust our life to our words and thoughts of what is truly important. The stuff that once was so important isnt quite so valuable. Simple things, spending time and enjoying moments together have risen higher on our agenda.

Priorities- where once the job was the priority all of a sudden health, well being and family have risen to the top. When faced with an unknown outcome, our vision is cleared and some of the fog of "status quo" and "keeping up" and "everyone does it" show their colors and we start to see again. Family time, loving well, making memories, and relationships - priorities to be pursued as we walk through this MS thing.

Grief- the sadness of the unknown. The fear of what MS looked life in the life of those from my past. The uncertainty of what lies ahead. The frustration of no longer being able to do what once was done withouth thought, or not having energy where it was never an issue. Many griefs, each come and go as they are lived and experienced. I find that at times it comes in waves or laps, then i shake myself, grieve and give it over to the God of the univers who has allowed this season to be filtered through his hands of love and care, and settle in to live another day beside the one I love.

Green smoothies, shots and supplements- our first book read about MS was Minding Your Mitochondria- the idea of a diet change helping battle MS was exciting. We bought a juicer and began to juice then switched to green smoothies. Not sure how it is helping, but it sure does not seem to be hurting. As the Bear drops pounds that need to be shed and his body systems work well we are finding a good part of the formula. Shots- after a second round of MRI films and word of more lesions wisdom indicated shots were in order. So, this wife who HATED needles and shots now finds herself helping her bear with shots in rotation- he gets the front side, I get the back. So, in earnest I can speak of "shooting" my Bear! Supplements- along with the diet shift has come supplemental oils and minerals and ??? - he handles his dosing and drops and again, we see it as part of the formula, not thinking its hurting and perhaps it is helping more than we know. Just part of this life with MS that we live these days.

We are now ten months into the known journey of MS. Backtracking to signs now understood we are in reality more like 3 years into it. It is a journey we never imagined we would take, we dont know what lies ahead, so we take it day at a time. We trust that God will continue to give us wisdom, that He will guide us and use the journey for some good. We are changed and challenged as we move forward.

*the watercolor was done as I processed all that was going on within as I came to terms with MS entering our life. Each persons picture looks different- this is what my view is now, in time I expect it to change.

Change is all around us

2011-08-24T12:53:00.000-05:00

As we move into another fall season I look around and see change all around us. The garden season has passed, without much to show for the early spring labors. That has inspired change- I am moving boxes and taking my eclectic garden to task and bringing order to it- straight rows and space between boxes. Decay set into some of the wood and it is now curbside. Ahead is a reworking of the water system and order reestablished.

Homeschooling has taken a different focus- I am tracking time spent by subject- h/s credits must be supported. We have shifted gears to life skill learning and prep for adult life that will be upon us sooner than we expect. Therapy has gotten prime attention - both physical/ occupational as well as a new addition - vision therapy. From first days I can see this need is long overdue to be addressed, so we begin.

The neighborhood has changed- no one has left but change has occurred anyway. where once the bus came for high schoolers, it runs no longer. Where once there were many homeschoolers about, the numbers are less this year. Watching the young men seek out adult lives, children settle into classroom living and moms adjust to new schedules change is upon us all.

I am working my way up to 30 min of exercise 3 x a week. Presently I am on week 3 of elliptical life, and enjoying it. This morning I challenged the youngest to beat me on his 10 min- he countered with a 15 min time option and made my time in 13 min.! Motivation found for him- seek to beat Mom and throw in a carrot and he is up and walking/ jogging. I am thankful for whoever invented ipods and their convenience to use while exercising. yeah for external speakers and no longer fighting with headphones that want to self eject!

We are now about 6 weeks out from reality that MS is part of our lives for now. I think we are adjusting ok. Smoothies- check, supplements- check, exercise- check, healthy diet- check, slowing down- trying hard. living today and not stressing about things beyond our control- trying. Quirky stuf comes and goes, always glad to hear it has passed and not left a lingering reminder of its presence. We are getting the meds routine down and also seeking God for strength and healing amidst the things we see to do.

It looks like I may lose my comic relief child come October. It seems far away but it could be way too soon. He has been handy to have around the house to help me with tasks. Today he blessed me by volunteering to conquer the lawn on his own. I see him face the challenge of PT and come home sore and wiped, excited about what the Marines will hold. I dont think of the loss of his feet under the table or the sound of him breezing through the house with his earphones sharing thier ?music?, those things will come in time and we will adjust. For now I am prepping for the cheese to move, anticipating it but not yet ready to rejoice in that one.

I will rejoice in the strength the Lord has given me to - give shots, to keep getting up and exercising, for wisdom in schooling and to live today, today.

Let the shooting begin!

2011-07-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

For the past few weeks I have been coming to terms with new reality. I left for a girls week in CA with sibilings and Mom with my bear handling home life. He juggled life well and conquered many parenting tasks as he flew solo. Just before I returned he had another MRI and doc appt. we had hoped it would be a nothing new, no comment kind of appointment. It did not turn out that way, so as I returned to civilization from 3 days of no service and Yosemite beauty our phone conversation revealed that yes, MS was declared. He would be going on medicine, MS had joined our life.

Words are easier to deal with than reality often, especially when they are words that are not fully lived and experienced. MS - a disease we've seen fundraisers for and known from afar, or in others lives. Now it has entered our home and is making itself known to us personally. So far it has been a gentleman, and so we hope it remains, yet its full nature is not known and therein lies part of the struggle of the adjustment. What lies ahead? and how will i live today with an unknown .... will i live with fear stealing my joy or will i live today for today and deal with tomorrow when it comes at me. I am choosing the later.

As the investigation of the numbness began we heard about drugs- lots of drugs, and our first response was NO! Now that reality of lesions has been seen and lived with and new knowledge has been understood we realize that we can eat well- he is up to 3 green smoothies a day (32oz each) and take supplements- his body is getting healthy intake. Yet as new tingles and symptoms occur the thought of slowing its progression down has become a reality. So, when FedEx stopped by yesterday it was to give us supplies for our shooting clinic on Saturday.

I don't do shots well, I tend to avoid shots, if at all possible, I look away, close my eyes and breathe deep. Yesterday I looked at a syringe for the first time and started to pep talk myself "I can do this" mantra. thankfully there is an auto injection tool in the kit so I have a safety net- a way to help without having to fully embrace the needle. I will be learning a new skill this weekend, another tool in the helpmeet's toolbox of life, who knew 28 years ago that my toolbox would get to be so well stocked ? (eek!)

The reality is settling in as I talk to pharmacy company and clarify monthly copays as it will continue for ?life? ???? As I realize that authorizations for me to talk to the insurance company has been lost in transit and needs to be resent- for I am the admin assistant and navigating the system on his behalf will remain in our future for the future. I am thankful to be here to walk through this with him, thankful for past experience with referrals and therapists and doctors that will serve me in the days ahead.

Often it is easy to forget about MS- for it is "invisible". No sign blares and often the pain and numbness is not mentioned, only later does he speak of discomfort, yet its invasion is occuring. It kind of reminds me of the other uninvited guest we host in our home- epilepsy- invisible until it rears its head, one we are daily dealing with in small ways, wary of in some situations and would prefer to not host, yet it remains. The mental adjustment feels similar as the words become reality and the reality remains invisible to many yet feels heavy on some days and minor on others. Slowly we adjust.

Many small changes are happening. On Saturday a nurse will arrive and teach us to give shots. Shots will be given every other day for ???? and we hope and pray he responds well to a new fluid entering his body to keep the mylon sheath from further deterioation. Fatigue is found at times, so an afterwork rest is a time to recharge for an evening of life together. We have begun to exercise, for it is found to help in many ways, and because we just need to do it. We are talking, reading and praying. We are laughing as the bear throws out "MS moment" when he forgets something- sometimes an excuse, sometimes true brain fog.

We are living today, enjoying today, simplifying our lives to what is important and most needs our time and attention. It feels good to slow down a bit. Life is a journey and we move forward to new adventures, not all of our choosing but knowing that it is filtered through eternal hands we move forward. I am learning to stretch, grow and try new things, so , let the shooting begin!

The shock is wearing off

2011-03-22T21:19:00.001-05:00

Three weeks ago I received our first foundation repair proposal- it felt like a punch in the gut...20K+. For a few days we were in shock and awe and began to scrabble and look and realize how much this house has indebted us to it and put us in debt as we attempted to maintain it in a leakproof and waterproof manner. We found ourselves realizng that it was too much, so we asked contractor for the short list of must do's. We are still waiting, though his office folks have called to talk about financing.

At his suggestion we went to local homeshow, saw all the contractors of foundation repair of local willing to pay to be at show worth. We filled out forms and they have all paraded through the house and crawled beneath. Today I went with guy #5. I found where Mouse the cat has been of recent- guy #4 did not secure the crawlspace door and it lay open for several days- mouse has "scented it up", but I digress. I was reminded again of the layout beneath and all the jargon and conversation was given visual reference again.
This is a good thing.

Last Wednesday after a 2 hr visit from #4 man we decided that the 20K and 23 pier difference made us desire true wisdom. We were told of the county's best structural engineer/home inspector. Thursday I gave him a call and tomorrow he will arrive, look over all the proposals, look over the house and sort out the malarky from the truth. yes, we shall be paying for this wisdom, but it may save us thousands or it may affirm the need for super major work that NEEDS to be done. I am hoping for the former. Presently we have bids in the 4K, 5.5K, 7.5K and 24K range, one is still outstanding. Proposals for piers range from 8- 33. Some call for a few bridging joists where others call for major girders all over the crawlspace. There was mention of rolling girders ad colapsed joists- I have located both at the same location but wonder if I am missing something. There is talk of cross bracing and crush blocks. We hear from several that the insulation under the house should be pulled out. So, we await truth and wise counsel so that we can spend wisely the funds we have and settle the foundation issue and be done with it. We want move on with life.

Paul's MS awaits our attention. We shall travel south in a few weeks to consult with a MS doc. We spent time on the phone with a neighbors sister- she battles MS, has for several years. The reality that soon we shall be asked to choose a drug path is starting to settle in. The reality of dietary changes is settling in, and yet there still remains changes ahead. As I shopped today the veggies covered the bottom of the cart yet I found myself reaching for some of the old normal items. Finding balance between MS diet and family food is in process.

Peace rests within as we walk daily. I find that I dont look far in advance. Today is far enough, tomorrow will be dealt with on the morrow. I am grateful for all the prayers, for the encouragement and compassion from so many. We understand that others can not lift the burden of the season but in sharing the moment they are lifting our hearts and we are taking another step forward.

So, as the shock of the first proposal has settled and more reasonable proposals have come our way I find that I look forward to tomorrow, to answers and a plan of action. I find that without a plan of action we often are restless and at odds with how to cope with situations. Once the plan is set we have a challenge to face and we can move forward. After a month of wondering and fearing the worst it will be good to settle the question of what truly needs to be done.

It is time for action.

another punch in the gut

2011-03-05T19:50:00.000-06:00

Small cracks, over doors, diagonally traveling.... what can this mean? doors sticking, unsticking, hope its just the weather. pencil marks and dates are found throughout the house, watching the cracks, hoping for no new lines. A few patched only to return.... sadly they do. Recently some grew and so we again had to take off the blinders and face reality. Foundation issues. significant issues.

Today the moving house guy came- he has worked on a neighbors house, and was a known entity so he was the first to call- not sure if there will be another or not. A walk through and short crawl under the house revealed many reasons for cracks developing. Engineered trusses and I beams are not what they were hoped for... now we shall get to support the local economy. Oh how weary I feel today. The details are still to come, Insurance does not cover poor workmanship.

And so again I look to my Heavenly Father is despair and need. He who protected another of His children allowed this house to be a platform for ministry and life. He shall give us wisdom and help us discern the next path of attack. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, he can tell disease to leave and it goes- just as a king directs His troops. So too He can provide ... oh may He be glorified in this season of our life, may it not be for naught.

......

A few days later I am again living today... for I can not borrow or handle tomorrow today. And today was Home Show day- we went to see what foundation folks had to offer. 5 booths, many similar, some that made us wary, others that looked good. We also saw the booth of the one man we had come out, saw the piers he uses and spoke with him a bit. Next week we should get the first proposal- and begin to consider honestly what needs to be done to stabilize the house so it does not roll in on its crawlspace.

Job... the book of a man who suffered, who had live steamroll him. He has been on my mind a bit of recent. MS and foundation issues revealed within days of one another- our world shaken on each account, but again the Lord holds us in the midst of the quake. We are having conversation and dreaming together, looking at life in new ways these days, weighing the days and trusting God a bit more.

This morning the bear spoke of how he and God have had some conversations- and what he has heard is "you are not in control". Oh how often we presume that we are, and then Job moments come to remind us that we truly are not. The question is when we receive the punch that doubles us over and knocks us off our control diaz where do we land who do we look towards?? I am looking to the one who knows tomorrow and holds my hand through today.

God is in the midst

2011-03-02T21:41:00.000-06:00

Last month there was a moment when my bear spoke of numbness in his face. As the weekend progressed it became worse and worse. Monday he saw the doc as one friend was concerned of stroke, it was ruled out. The following day he was sent off to get a MRI. We took it in stride, only quietly wondering at the speed of the testing. Thursday we sat in a neurologists office and heard that MS was high on the suspect list.

The previous Sunday MS was on a laundry list of possibliites. I told my bear that if it was MS we'd sell the house and move to a simpler house- he replied that we'd move to the country so he could live out his days as he delighted to. The neurologist encouraged us that MS was not what it once was- that the drugs have come a long way since 20 + years ago. 25+ years ago I cared for a mother who had MS and was wheelchair bound. 23+ years ago a friend was often thought of as drunk because she stumbled as she walked fighting for independence rather than cane assistance. These are my first thought of MS. Recently a neighbor spoke of her energetic fit sister as having MS- not what I anticipated ever to be on her list of life issues. Another friend spoke of a diagnosis that came 10+ years ago with only occassional flares.

Today we returned to the doctor after a month away. In the past month a lumbar puncture was done and we waited for results. The numbness started to disapate. We came to realization that perhaps there is more to this life than the beautiful moneypit that has consumed us more than we ever wanted it to. We rejoiced at a bonus from work and splurged on a ATV and went on our first "modern horseback ride" as a couple. It was wonderful- no thoughts of house or ailments. We have started to reconsider many things that have been stressors and burdens and occupiers of us. Perhaps we are jumping the gun, shell shocked. perhaps we are just beginning to see a clearer.

Today we were told that there is no confirming MS- only reading the signs and all things point that way right now. There is no map of what lies ahead, it is a day to day adventure that will only be known by today. and today, and today. Our hope is that this will have been a season of reevaluating and relaxing and reprioritizing. Our hope that this is not a season of preparation of what is to come. We don't know, yet we know the One who holds our lives in His hands.

So, we are looking at life a bit differently, trusting God to walk through this journey with us. Enjoying the days of sunshine and trail rides and trying to keep things in perspective. We are getting to know our neighbors a bit, playing with children on the lawn and learning to eat well so our bodies will be strong against free radicals and things that would tear us down.

Of recent i have misspoke the phrase - humility (pride) comes before the fall- and we are learning to walk with a bit more humility- a bit more dependent and needy and transparent and vulnerable- easy-no, delightful to the Lord- yes!

where are you finding God in your midst?

Perspective??

2011-02-16T07:54:00.000-06:00

For several years we have heard about a couple who had wanted to buy the house we live in- yet we were the ones chosen by the sellers. We heard of their disappointment and sadness, we thought of the journey they were spared. We knew of them, yet never knew them or even who these folks were. Last week that changed. As only the Lord of the Universe can do he drew our lives together and my thoughts slowly put together bits of gleaned information and at the end of a meeting I asked a question that confirmed my suspishion.

With that came revelation. The Lord of the Universe truly is aware of our lives. He opens and closes doors, guides us , says yes to some things and protects us from others. The couple I speak of are being used by the Lord to lead worship. For the past several years they have been busy in a new body, one that we are now a part of, and seeing people come to know of the Lord through the work going on there. Had the Lord not protected them from purchasing this house their lives would not have had the room to be used for body purposes. And as that understanding came so did the reality that for some reason God allowed us to purchase this house, be put on the anvil by it and see His provision in the midst of each event. If you have not followed there have been many events.

Somehow this small meeting of folks has helped my heart and head cope a bit with the reality of ownership of our Pretty House. It guided me as I spoke to my God yesterday while meeting with a foundation man... yes, there is more work to be done not for pretty sake but stability sake. I found myself asking that again He find some way to provide for what will be needed for the future repairs, even now I am realizing that is not only financial but also the inner strength and emotional energy for what lays ahead.

I don't think that when we have prayed in the past that our lives would glorify the Lord that we had any inkling of what they would look like. That what it would cost- everything, and how short sighted we so easily become to how God is in our midst routinely. And yet somehow in the midst of our mess he is shining through our cracks. He is drawing folks and we are sharing life and His love. We sense Him, as do others.

waiting quietly

2011-01-29T20:38:00.000-06:00

It is hard to wait, especially for a doing person like me. It is hard for me to settle and sit and dwell. Of recent I have not had any handwork to keep my fingers occupied with stitching or knitting needles clacking. I feel a bit lost, but have turned to puzzle books- starting to understand sudoku a bit. I search for something to occupy.

Today I find myself looking for distractions to turn my thoughts from the what if's to other occupations. My healthy bear who plugs along is having some weird stuff go on in his face. Floaties in the eyes, flashing of lights last week. Doc said its normal and just part of aging. This weekend it was a numb face, and slowly the numbness spreading a bit each day. Yesterday doc appt. Today fasting bloodwork and MRI. And we wait. Thursday afternoon is the next doctor appt- with a neuro doc and hopefully answers or assurances.

The internet is a blessing and a bother. All the world available at your fingertips to inform and confound the reader. A search of numb face can give you thoughts of virus, bells' palsy all the way to MS and / or brain tumor. Hmm what would we chose, do we get a choice?? could it be simple or will it turn out to be complicated??

And that hits it- am I willing to forget the worry, the owning what is not mine to own and trust in the midst of the wait? Am I willing to rest in the One who loves my Bear much more than I do? Am I willing to walk in faith that nothing comes into our lives but that the hand of the Lord has allowed and will use for our good? I am trying. Easy, no. Doable- when I keep my eyes on the One who loves us the most. So I shall wait, quilt a bit, teach a few lessons, watch some movies, live life and soon enough Thursday will come, the doc will have his say and we will continue to live life.

-----
Time has passed, two appointments later-its not brain tumor or stroke- yeah! Still no definitive answers, we continue to wait for hoped for changes after vitamin and steroid shots, wait for appointments for more tests and more followup visit, waiting surrounded by friends and their prayers that the bears face will no longer be numb. That answers for the why and what will be answered. We wait for a greater understanding of strange symptoms that continue to linger. As time goes by we are settling into a sort of peace and waiting. Life has invaded again helping to put us back into a bit of normal pace amidst a bit of unbalance.

where did the time go?

2011-01-06T20:48:00.000-06:00

I clicked on the blog and found that I had not posted since October- how could that be??? hmmm what filled my life??

Three weeks of October were dedicated to taking the mildew moldy kitchen to its foundation and then building it back to a useable, clean space- my how our knees and old bones ached after all the tile was laid. What a sense of accomplishment came after the final board was laid on the support joists- reinforced and the floor now solid. Not only for us but for the whole neighborhood that pitched in. What an outpouring of support and donation of time we experienced. We had laborors, dish and laundry fairies, food donators - where there was a need it was met in ways only God could orchestrate! What fun to share life with friends and neighbors and to see chaos become order. Joists, subfloor, new plumbing, a bit of rearrranging, rewiring as needed, underlayment and tile. What joy to call the tiling done and done!!! Yipee it was... we were so very weary.

An unexpected blessing amidst the work was getting to know neighbors we'd had little contact with. Johnny and Darlene have entered our life and we are blessed. We enjoyed breakfast recently and ahead is a trip to the mountain and campouts and ???? what fun amidst life to discover more life ahead!

November was a month of rest and recovery as we settled into temporary kitchen aka camp in the kitchen. My hubby made amazing temporary vanity and kitchen sink stands so we could enjoy running water and dishes in our sink, rather than the porch or in the sink while we awaited new cabinets and coutnertops. I bless the inventor of metal rolling shelves and cardboard grape boxes- the mainstay of my kitchen inventory. We also repurposed what were wall cabinets to floor with tops to help us function.

The cabinet ordering brought new lessons of learning as we found that the 4-6 weeks started when the money was paid yet it takes 2-3 weeks before you can safely hand over the down payment to start the process. I adjusted fire and set my sights on a kitchen together by Feb 14th- if you keep expectations low it helps keep disapointments low as well. Finally all plans were finalized and the clock began. The plaid walls were calmed with cream colored paint and we enjoyed a fresh start to our new kitchen.

December was our month of rest- learning to love rolled up pie crust- easy on the back, not bad on the wallet yet a close to homemade taste and the joy of favorite pies to comfort us through the holidays. I enjoyed ignoring all the "to do's" of the kitchen and lived life, quilted and prepared for holiday life. Slowly and quickly the month passed, we were delighted to wake on Christmas morning to snow all around us. We were blessed to be charged with care of our neighbors horses and chickens and so daily we'd walk over and enjoy the critters and the time among nature.

Without realizing it we have come into 2011- the days have passed amidst much life and adventures- the heating system went out quietly in the night to be discovered mid morning following. We had hoped beyond home for another year, but Heil had done his time and was done in. The new system was installed after a few days of enjoying fires in the firepllace and spaceheaters on loan from friends. We are now taking the heating system for granted again- a blessed state to be in.

And now we are back to kitchen work again. All of a sudden the cabinets were ready to install- our kitchen had to once again be emptied out- oh how I was dreading the task, yet it quickly occurred and even now I am reverseing and replacing items only a few days ago were moved out. The cabinet guys were great- the attention to detail wonderful and they look so nice! I am now sorting items, considering what was easy to live without, what is used only ocassionaly and where each needful item should be placed.

I am delighted with a few of the changes- pullouts for heavy mixers and crockpots in deep cupboards- nice! The pantry cabinet with bifold door was dismantled amidst tearout. In its place is a wonderful 11" deep cupboard built in that now holds my dishes- convenient location and so much more storage that it held previously- seems to be about double the space- the BEST bang for the buck of the whole project. The other great change is the removal of the island, dancing the fridge across the floor and the installation of a penninsula- LOVE IT!! and we are yet to get counters- no more fighting for space with folks as we squeeze by one another.

I find I am weary and a bit overwhelmed, think its time for some boxes and purging of stuff, I 've been reading about simplifying... it is in the midst. I am blessed to be in such a season, will enjoy the joy of it yet knowing all seasons come to an end the end of kitchen suite remodel 2010/11 sure sounds good to me as well.

So 2011- welcome and may allow for God to continue to show up and be glorified in our lives as we live this life called Toney life!

Waking to the sound of a power tool

2010-10-10T06:52:00.000-05:00

It is 644 am and a few minutes ago I awoke to the sound of a power tool. Work, work, hard grueling work has been happening here. A smell of mildew, dishwasher leak, floor replacement turned into reframing the support under the kitchen,bath and laundry with plumbing changes and some major structural support addition. all discovered along the way to changing the floor out to be rid of wet wood. Along the way more wet wood discovered and today mold behind exterior wall drywall awaits us.

We live a life of ease, most of the time, until it is time to work on the house. Now we eat on the front porch, which I am so glad for. The pantry and cupboards are spread through the back porch,dining room and all the way into my room. and the sound of power tools and hammers is continual.

Small errors ignored, short cuts and cob jobs revealed bring forth more work. Injuries are quickly dealt with as fingers and skin get owwies and the men who are true men press on, working,sweating and encouraging one another for the job that is ahead. how blessed we are to have guys that embrace our painful situation with us. Who have the vision to tear up the floor and put terra firma beneath. who ache and hurt but do not allow that to sway them to leave. and in this day of "i deserve" they do it out of care and concern and not the greenback- for the insurance funds will cover materials, if we are fortunate.

It is not often that folks in middle class america work so hard, that we have opportunity to enjoy the community that comes with hard labor. this week it is happening at our house. Young men are getting a chance to learn life skills and watch men be men and work hard.

another trip to the box store that has it all is on the horizon, time to get the paper and pen and make the list. another day of work lies ahead.

Living among sinners, myself the chief among them

2010-08-31T07:52:00.000-05:00

Family life can be longed for and sought after, idolized and idealized. The reality is that it is work and joy, pain and pleasure. As much fun as we have together we are individuals each with our own private struggles, visions and desires. We live and breathe together, sometimes well and well, sometimes we wonder why we are together.

Amidst our recent weariness we've had some of those well days... where things have not gone so well. Yet the glue sticks and we struggle along side by side, desperate and needy together and as individuals. Sometimes so worn prayer is hard to even speak, but even then aware that the Lord is aware of our neediness. He is ever watching this sinner, and all those that surround me. He is ever orchestrating events in our lives to bring us to the end of ourselves and allowing opportunities for brokeness and dependence upon Him.

In Exodus when God first tells us of himself - "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin." I am reminded of how great He is and how far reaching his love is.

The word of God goes on to tell us how He reveals sin to allow future generations to deal with it and find healing. For that I am greatful for as much as I long to not carry on the sins of my family again and again I am living them out. I have become my mother, my father, and all my relatives, as though drawn with invisible strings through the passage of time, and all the while proud and arrogant that I am in the right, and I know best and it is not me. And then the Lord brings another along to nick my vaneer and reveal my sin, my pride, my false front and shine the light of His truth and I am once again undone.

And God picks me up, holds me as I recover from my shock, which is not a shock for Him, and forgives and guides me again. he gives strength to my weariness and hope to my dispair. He is the peace within my heart.

And my family somehow continues to love and forgive and live among me- with all my quirks, annoyances and demands that I am so very clueless to. And I somehow receive their grace and am able to face them even though I am a mess. the blessing of family- knowing we dont have it all together and enjoying the journey even though there are pitstops when the mess of our sin comes to the surface.

And so we move along ... slowly, thoughtfully, prayerfully, a bit humbled, aware of our need, desperate for God to show Himself once again... and being the loving gracious God that He is I know He will show up and shine.

So as I begin a new day I thank the Lord for family, for sweet times of fellowship amidst the business of life. For each of the members, each of my characters and the way he made them each individuals. I am thankful for the grace they bestow and the way they pull together rather than flee in weary seasons. I am thankful for each of them.

Worn and weary

2010-08-27T06:48:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks have been full of life - school prep, home repairs and travel. All good, well all of the outcome has been good,yet sometimes the journey has been hard. Now as we settle into a new normal for the fall I find that I am weary, worn out, and I have wondered why.... and then I think back to all that life has held and I begin to realize thata journey with lack of downtime leaves one worn and weary.

As our hot water once again heated up- to scalding my prayer rose to heaven ... God could you please end this season? His clock seemed to indicate it was time for after a week of stressful coping once again, with tempermental hotwater heater an agreement with manufacturer came forth. They would take back their 3rd heater, and give us a refund, we would leave them alone and our huge file would be closed. A local plumber quickly came and made the exchange and the season of tempermental instant hot water heater has ended. We rejoice in the answered prayer and provision. We rejoice to have hot water without thought again. We rejoice to not be wasting our time, energy and thought on hot water heaters that should not be failing and yet are. This is our 4th hot water heater in as many years.

We have spent time visiting friends on the East coast in the past weeks. What fun to reconnect, share life and dream with them of future hopes. Some longing for the pattering of little feet through adoption, others looking for new normal to settle amidst job changes, one longing for health to return and another looking to the future as he transitions to a new location and vocation. We rejoiced at the returning of a solider, enjoying a day by the airfield and the reality of the sacrifice and service of our military families. God walks beside them and in the midst of their lives... we rejoiced at the way He gave height and strength to one for future use and the early return of a loved one. Relationship time... lots of it, so much that I found myself weary and wondering if I was repeating the same stories to the same friends. Yet what fun to cook with a friend who I once started on the path to using a crockpot and baking a cake, a sweet fruit of past labors.

Time was spent in travel and touring our nations capital- amazing was the architecture and beauty as well as the volume of people and the sacrifices made that we take so lightly. It was fun to take our youngest to places he has read about, to see monuments of men we have come to esteem after hearing their stories of sacrifice and commitment. We rejoiced at the ease of travel with a metro system and the delight it was to ride what is norm to many, yet a treat to us.

Home again to the destruction of two kittens.... oh how quickly one forgets what life with kittens can be like. We have two- double the fun or mischief. While away they won the battle of the wreath- what a great source of play toys are the fake flowers for the picking! Since then pin cushions, safety pin bins and many other quick toy resources have had to be restricted. They still may pluck a nut at will for a new toy to scoot about the rug. Home to home cooked food, school starting, daily chores and a garden to clean up, deweed and harvest.

And so goes life, full of sweet memories, full of delight and yet wearying at the same time. Many beds do not always make for restful sleep always. the other night I realized I was using the "other" pillow and now better sleep comes. All part of life... joyous and taxing, rich, delightful and active.

And so in the midst of this season of busyness I found myself surfing the internet, visiting a blog and finding a sanctuary- or maybe a portal to sanctuary. A blog that encourages contemplation, slowing down, simplifying. Taking time to sit with the Lord, to reflect upon His bounty, taste of His sweet spirit to seek to connect with Him, the creator of all and the nurturer of my soul. I am drawn in. I looked around a bit found a network of blogs that seek to (in)courage women and later another grouping that desires to walk through the work of life with one another that we might glorify God in our dailiness. I am convicted by my lack of dwelling, my lack of sitting at the feet of the One who rests my soul. I choose to make the short journey there, and I feel the refreshment as I enter in.

So like a weary traveler I am home again. Slowing down my pace, taking time to rest on the back porch, seeking time at the feet of the source of life. To slow down on commitments, turning off autopilot as much as possible. To rest, to restore, to enjoy and consider and dwell. I am finding blessing in this slower pace, in more communion and less doing, doing, doing.

And so I am entering a season of rest- pausing to refresh and reflect and listen anew to the creator.

a few days ago while driving a group of deer were crossing the road. one made the journey across, another backtracked. the fawn sought its mother and then rejoicing in life romped about momma. More energy and joy to be spent the fawn raced in figure 8's around momma a few times, in and out of the woods. A treat of nature we had not seen before, and was a delight to behold. it would have been easily missed had I chosen to just continue to drive, but the willingness to slow down and enjoy the created creature reaped a special treat.

May you find a quiet place to catch up to yourself amidst the pace of this life. to seek the Savior, contemplate His truths and allow His peace to permiate your life.

simple things can be so hard

2010-07-20T08:41:00.002-05:00

This morning I caused some brain cells to burn. The assignment was to create the letter C with upside down cups- on the floor- spaced so you can dribble between them. Simple? maybe, maybe not.

the "c" started out more like an O, then a bit heavy on the bottom, snuggled close to the island. the ball was dribbled, but then it took over and skooted a cup across the floor. Then the island jumped in the way. thoughts of enlarging the C were not within my boy. Earlier we had enlarged and dialogued about how and why with two other letters. Frustration rose and the word hard was used many times.

Again enlarging was demonstrated and talked about and then dribbling through was completed with greater ease. He was worn out. 3 letter, 15 cups and a ball- enough to challenge the brain some days.

And so life goes here, some tasks simple, some tasks simply too much to process and execute without great challenge and frustration. If only I fully understood what it is to walk in his shoes, with his brain struggles. Compassion continues to grow within me as I live alongside many who struggle with large and small "issues" and life events.

So often judgement comes fast and first without ever considering the story behind the person. Covers do a good job of just that - covering up what lies within... stories take time and trust. so much lies beneath a cover- more than the presenting activity, there is depth and history.

Oh to take the time to understand and walk beside, modeling, teaching and encouraging as the brain burns new pathways to success. slowly we shall master this new challenge just as we have other "hard" things that are now easy.

Monday, monday

2010-07-12T20:39:00.003-05:00

What a Monday this has been, full and to the brim with life.

I started the day in the garden in my nightclothes- it was hot and sticky and rainy, but i knew i needed to shower so why bother to change - the tomato harvest was nice, the weed pulling overdue. As the day got rolling with plans to bless therapists with banana muffins my son came seeking a ride to work, his 297,000 mile car was acting odd. Scramble to regroup, remember neighbor has second car and get permission to borrow and he is off in the van. As I try out his car all seems fine, so fine that I later take it to him, swapping for my van.

And so we launch into therapy, library, bowling- never broke 100 but had fun trying, and thrift shops as well as BK for lunch. First thrift shop no major score, but second- God did it agaiin! My dear neighbor who allows us to rack up pool points has found her tall outdoor chairs falling out from under her- she was down to one and in dire need of replacements. She had scoured the new stores, and found they were $$$, but so functional that she was willing to buy replacements. As I walked into the shop today what awaited once again amazed me- a set, almost identical to what was at her house, a bit fancier- 4 tall chairs and new to her table for what she might pay for one chair new! When she found out she went and bought it, and my husband, who happened to have his truck in town, picked it up and delivered the set.

What fun to see God care for needs and wants once again.

Home again I tornado cleaned to restore order to our house. Mondays out are always a bit of a stretch. I had posted things on ebay- they sold and were packaged- a blessing to me- a $20 purchase netted an abundant gift to relatives, and about $100 in sales- more than compensating the original cost and many little girls will be enjoying the bounty of the original purchase! fun!

We redeemed some pool point time- what fun i have enjoying the kids in the water and then when Dad joins in it ramps up the fun. He becomes the leach that they cling to and are launched from. Sam wrestled with other boys- being tossed and tossing them into the pool.

As I anticipated the evening ending our son returned home, and he and Dad gave a look see to the car. A few hours later a minor tuneup is done, with more work ahead as a radiator leak was found and new wires are yet to be installed, but a quieter, happier engine seems to be in the faithful transport. They are now gladly holding down cushions and waiting to rest.

Monday- a bit full but also abundant in blessings and bounty of life!

The new stove is in

2010-06-29T20:54:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to share the new stove- a little thing but another testimony of God's provision in my life. The old stove had a incident of "thermal shock" where the front of the door left sponatanously (sp??)- it blew apart and fell to the floor all by itself. not fun, not cheap to replace - it was 17 yr old downdraft Jenn Air. We really wanted to keep the downdraft fan as it was great. We really did not want to spend over a thousand for a stove to do so.

We prayed and waited upon God and one day as I "happened" to pull into a thrift shop that I "happened" to remember was local to where I was there sat the new stove- for $50. It works great, it is digital and all the old stove parts fit in the new stove so we have spares. Three hours sweat equity and we are renewed and rejoicing!

ARt FuN dAy

2010-06-29T20:43:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is Art fUn dAY!! It is sure to be fun.

I have had this idea for a few years.... Art on the Porch. Art fun day is my trial run of this idea. Last week we had a fun time playing with art stuff together. Tomorrow more families are joining us. The neighbor girl is earning entrance by being a gofer for me in the morning. It looked that fun from afar last week that she did not want to miss out. I think others felt the same way as they are returning.

Tonight as I look at the numbers 14 parents and at least 30 kids I am wondering what was I thinking??? Fun... mess... creativity. using up supplies.

I was remembering all the days at Helderberg Workshop as a girl where I am sure I attended on scholarship... daycamp at its finest. Bussed to a school campus and allowed to immerse myself in creative things for hours.... a bit of heaven on earth.

Summer is here again and I know how long the days can be... how boring they can get without the normal structure of life. So we are adding a bit of variety to our days and thinking forward even now of if we should do this again and again... Art on the POrch?! sounds like fun to me.

Tomorrow the kids will paint t shirts, carve soap or plaster/vermiculite, paint with tempra and or create with wood scraps. Not the norm for at home art projects...just as I like it; hands on and a bit messy.

And in the midst of all that moms will share life, kids will "socialize" and community will be built. folks will leave richer for the time given to others and the service given to one another- that is the ticket- parents serving to help pull this all off. After all arrive and directed mine is the easy part, circulate and guide. The moms and dads runs the stations as the kids are busy creating.

it is fun to see an idea start to come together, start to form and learn what works and what needs tweeking as you work the idea into fruition. I am blessed to have this opportunity and the resources to share with others.

Life is Life

2010-06-28T07:31:00.003-05:00

This morning is the start of a busy day... therapy, haircut, library, oil change, home depot and maybe even staking tomatoes at the community garden then home - whew- I am hot and tired already. Such is life some days here in Toney.

Last week we had many families join us for an Art Fun Day- a trial run for my vision of Art on the Porch... a dream I have of fully using our wonderful wrap around porch for creative space for kids. The kids got messy with paper mache, clay and paint. This week they will have time to explore wood scuplturing and plaster carving as well as tshirt decorating and paint. paint is a great standby and often not freely allowed at home. The messy stuff is what I enjoy allowing in our art time- open ended creative time with good supplies that allow kids to explore mediums of mess!

I was surprised the evening after the Art day when a critter was found upon my porch railing. A cicada dressed up for more art fun in bright colors! creativity at its finest... later it was revealed that a dad was the artist this time. Fun!

We have had visitors come and go in recent days. Our old stove, without a full front has by now been recycled for scrap metal and the new one that God provided is working wonderfully since my husband installed it. The garden is growing and the battle against the bugs is on. We had a catepillar invasion so I donned protectitive gear and "fogged" it well... waited and watched and 5 days later not a bug to be found... only the skeletal remains of their attack. It remains healthy and we sigh in relief.

This summer project is white- stain the fences and paint the wood. all too soon the heat has come upon us and the desire to be out in it has not remained, yet we go. Soon the fence will be done and the taping of the porch will begin- sparing the concrete of dots and sprinkles of white. How fresh a new coat of white makes all things look. it also has given us opportunity to note areas where attention is needed to repair wood that is no longer with us.

So we continue on in Toney life. living, playing games, making changes, adjusting to changes, experiencing new things, learning new skills and just living. We'd love to share it with you- come for a visit, the front porch is a great place to sit and rock and visit.

Another home improvement

2010-03-30T08:18:00.006-05:00

For the past four years we have wondered "what were they thinking?" about the sink in our kitchen. The beautiful Kohler sink and faucet came with the house, yet did not transfer warrantey to us, the new owners. The faucet leaked, the spray nozzle was a dud, but worst of all the water from the facet leaked to the back of the sink, onto the tile and caused us concern of water damage growing. We are a dish doing family, we have a dishwasher, yet it is only used part time- this sink was a 1/3, 2/3 style- not great for handwashing.

Friday as my husband lingered away from the home it was not a linger but a shopping spree. He came home with all the needed supplies. Early Saturday he began and the sink was pulled, and so the adventure began. With the sink came 4 partial tiles. Oops- yeah for extra tiles under the house, so they were replaced and the new sink installed, along with a high speed Moen faucet- easier to get parts if needed than Kohler :). We now have a large, spacious double sink with 9" depth. It is great to do dishes in. It is built to direct water back into the sink rather than to the tile. It is functional to us who work hard in this kitchen.

Home Improvement projects- great times, memories made and happy changes. In this house that has needed much functional maintance work the blessing of changes that are wants/needs are a blessing. No more leaky sink/faucet, no more wet tiles and towel laying beyond the faucet to absorb the water. We are blessed with another home improvement!

Working away

2010-03-20T20:37:00.004-05:00

Life in Toney has been full... of wood! A few weeks ago my dear hubby told me to find a tree guy to take out a few diseased trees. The yellow pages quickly brought a family run business with men anxious to work. Kind of rare these days to have an employee thank you for hiring him, they did several times... affirming our choice to do the job that day. Down came 3 trees, a fourth one topped and many trimmed.

The result has been a yard full of wood, brush and logs. Slowly the yard ornament- a downed pine tree - dropped in one piece so my hubby can play with his chain saw, has gone away. Today was the last as the youngest and I cleaned up the pine needles and stray branches. The divets and dents will get filled in with the next load of cotton trash compost.

While we were busy in the front yard there was a work crew going in the back yard. For the past few weeks the chainsaws could be heard chunking up the 2 tall downed trees and getting ready for a wood splitter. Today the men spent 6 hours splitting up logs- 3 full cord of wood is now drying beside the fence. The branches that came down are halfway gone, more trips to the branch pile awaits us. I have begun to rake up the stray wood- who knew there was so much work in cleaning up after a tree downing.

I am not sure I will ever again take for granted the sheer physical labor of tree surgeons again. There were 5 folks working in the back yard and still work remains. 24 man hours and several yet to go ... I guess the thought of how wood warms you several times is true as today folks who started with sweatshirts soon were in shirt sleeves.

Dinner was a kind of quiet meal- many exhausted bodies around the table. yet there is satisfaction in a day spent moving muscle, moving nature and accomplishing tasks that were set out to be done.

I thanked the Lord for the blessing of work, for the priviledge of it.... a jail work detail reminded me of how many are not free to work outside, health issues trap others within their bodies and homes. Ahh the blessing of moving leaves, limbs and dirt... spring is here again!

Thoughts I never considered that would occur

2010-01-28T06:25:00.006-06:00

Another call last night..10:35pm; " I think S is having a seizure", the scramble for clothing and the dash up the stairs to find our son in the midst of a brainstorm. Part of life, stuff we deal with yet never simple and never totally "normal".

How can it be normal to see your child "gone" and the body taking over, seemingly with a will of its own. To see a body in unnatural contortions and manners, to see the vacant stare as you count the minutes. As a parent you wonder when will this one stop? what caused it? what needs to change? To realize, again that you are not in control, and cannot truly control the life and breathe of your child. To recall that the one you birthed is truly in the hands of his Creator. To trust that He has numbered your child's days and pray that the number is much greater than what he has lived thus far.

And the minutes tick, as the brain does its dance, the dance floor being your child's body. The moves shift and change, not always following a set choreography. Unexpected moves bring about new concerns or sighs and hopes that this dance will soon stop. Questions are in our mind, as the clock ticks and the dance continues, should we make a call? why did we not stock the drug to call a sudden stop to this brainstorm dance. And the dance goes on, seeming to increase in passion. And then with a sigh it is over. A body rolled over and a head lifted that tells me that my child is back.

Sweet is the fellowship and communion between parent and child in the moments declared to be "post ictal". The hearts of these parents breathed a sigh of relief that their child has returned to rule over his brain. That the boy that brings such delight is now with us again and we cope together with the life that we live together. Sleep soon will come, but not before we pray and thank God for life, for health and the days ahead.

Who knew when the word epilepsy was first spoken that such thoughts and experiences would come, I sure didn't. Life is always full of surprises, adventures and opportunities to live dependent, trusting God to care all of us in the midst of life. That trust has helped us to walk through this journey for alone I think the journey would be much more of a challenge.

Amazed again

2010-01-17T21:55:00.005-06:00

God works in lives in different ways. For some he gives the gift of music, to others wisdom, service, teaching. For some there is a gifting to work with youth, babies or lead mission trips. For many years I had a family member who never struggled to find a job, it was as if God gifted her with employment as time and again His provision was seen with jobs coming out of circumstances unexpectedly.

In my life there are times when I feel like I have a similar blessing- the gift of provision through yard sales and thrift stores. Many times folks have mentioned a need or desire and within days, sometimes within 24 hours I have been able to call and tell them of an available option. Angel needed a printer, the next day one was found for $10. Joy wanted a food processor, it was found for less than $25- for a high end model. Rugs, clothing, swim trunks with built in diaper, zippers, and the list goes on. I tell friends that if they have needs and wants to let me know as I might run across the item they desire.

Rarely do i expect the answer to the need/want. Often I am amazed at the provision because often I have only thought of the need, hardly truly praying for it, but rather just talking in my head. I am overwhelmed some days that God has cared so well for me, for my needs and provisions with such specific provision. It does not make sense to me as I see many in need and see others struggling to meet needs. I understand it not. some tell me that perhaps it is because we are willing to care for others with stuff that stuff is provided to us. perhaps, or perhaps it is just DaddyGod loving in a way that glory can come to Him.

So let me glorify my God... He has done it again. My art class will soon start up again, soon we will have a day of card making so the students can prepare for Valentines Day. In my mind I was thinking of needing to find cards and envelopes- homemade cards are so much better with envelopes that they will fit in. Yesterday I went to a local indoor yardsale and amongst the jumble were two packages of blank cards and envelopes- 100 total for $2! Score! to get that many envelopes at the craft store would have been 5-10x the cost. yeah!

I was a blessed woman, a busy woman and my day got back to "normal". Then my husband asked me to go to a military show with him, not really interested in leaving the house, but wanting to bless him I compromised. I would take care of errands so he did not have to drive to a strange place. I went to a infrequently visited thrift shop. My eyes zeroed in on a slide in stove in the yard. We have a slide in stove, with a downdraft fan- not a typical stove, and not cheap to replace. A few months back the front of our 15yr old stove decided it was time to leave, so it did, promptly. they told me it was thermal blast- all I know is it is gone and looks odd without a handle and front. We love the stove, but didn't really want to spend $1,000 to replace it so that we could continue to have a vent situation.

Back to the yard, the stove was the same brand, downdraft and made in '01. I was told it just came in, part of a remodel job, still works. $50! SCORE!!! I was elated- I almost didn't leave the house, i just thought of making the stop after dropping hubby- never anticipating that I would be buying a new to us stove. And once we got it home the parts of our present stove will fit in this one, so we have spare parts! Amazing- only God could do this ... connect lives and stuff... meet needs and bless so specifically.

God is amazing in so many ways... I am blessed when He does these things. I am thrilled to tell others of how I have seen Him move in my life. Yet, that is not what I delight in the most while following Him, today at church I had time to share that there are many attributes that delight me. I think the character of God and Him being my strong tower are what brings me the most comfort to my heart. I guess generosity is part of that character, it is a joy to be a receipient of as well as a vessel of... a joy to give as well as a joy to receive. It is fun to watch how God works in lives around us- how does He work in your life?? where does He show up that you might glorify him??

Topics spoken about quietly

2010-01-15T22:05:00.002-06:00

This has been a day of remembrance, a day of gratitude and thanks, a day of praise and glory in the graciousness and goodness of my Creator. This is a day when I considered that which once I would not speak of, was ashamed to speak of, or maybe to proud to speak of.

A few weeks ago my trusty computer wrote me a note: time to schedule your colonoscopy. Not a big reminder, yet a reminder, one I forgot about, don't look forward to and try to avoid thinking about much, but there it was, again. I laughed about it, shared its arrival with friends and after a few days of avoidance called the doc to get the referral. Today was my appointment. Today was a walk down memory lane as I looked at medical records and recalled December 1992.

That December I had a baby and an unexpected surgery, a baby that may have saved my life as did the surgery. After the baby the unspoken part of my life came to light. I had been growing a very large colon polyp and did not know it, yet I knew something was not right within. I was too afraid, shy or proud to speak of it honestly and openly. I had cried out to God, for in my heart of hearts I knew whatever was happening in my body was more than I could deal with.

After the baby's arrival the polyp showed itself and was dealt with. The reality of my ignorance came to light. The possiblities of colon cancer came to our conversations. My pride was laid out to what it was- foolishness. Brokeness was one of the fruits of that season, one that continues to bring sweeter fruit in my life than I ever imagined- bodily functions are not longer shameful and whispered, they are reality that are honestly dealt with.

So today as I walked in my memory to those scary days of '92 I recalled how the baby was in ICU where he received wonderful care as I was getting cared for on surgery floor. How my Mom was available to come help with childcare (2, 5yr olds). How the church reached out and cared for my family while I could not. How what could have been cancer was pre, pre cancerous. What could have been abdominal surgery did not have to be. How we were cared for on so many fronts and advocates and quality health care folks surrounded us. How we saw God show up thorughout thos days that felt so ovewhelming yet had rays of being cared for spread throughout them.

In that season of life I began to learn anew about my body, the importance of paying attention to it, to seek care, research oddities and be willing to speak of and face the "shameful" parts that glory may come from the parts that are due honor. I now give honor to the "shameful parts" by followig doctors orders and routinely fasting and prepping and undergoing checkups- small price to pay for more years of life.

Once I wondered if I would be around to see my baby turn 1. This past December he turned 17- we both lived that long and have lived alot of life in those years. Oh how grateful I am for that.

So, if your body is doing odd and weird things, please seek out answers. Care for it well and seek solutions, even if they are uncomfortable... life is worth living to its fullest and part of life is some discomforts. And if you are over 50 - get a scope, just to be safe.

Time

2010-01-11T06:34:00.001-06:00

Last night I logged on and was surprised at the passing of time since last posting- months in fact.. where did it go? Life lived in 3D is the reality... sometimes life happens and the thought to pause to record and reflect just isnt acted upon and before I realize it months have passed. Rich full months, months of blessing and struggle.

November came with the cool weather and the question of where to spend the turkey day of thanks. The woods is what my prince often opts to. my homebody nature is always reluctant. Our pop-up was totaled this year in a freak accident and the new one had a freak oops on the way to be given the once over, so it was looking iffy, but God had other plans. Mr Persausion caused parts to move where they did not seem to be in movement prior to converstations and we had a pop-up again. The weather warmed and off to the woods we went. A great choice, spoken honestly by this homebody.

Nature again renewed and rejuvenated us. Many folks dropped in for a visit and many for a meal. A blessing of reunion from Iraq days for my bear ( and for me the personal of a loved brother in his "twin"). My son discovered the origin of fireworks- bamboo in the fire goes POP!!! A family that faced TV dinners came instead for smoked bird and treasure hunting and a couple we only see in church were blessed to spend time in nature and continue to consider adding camping to their life again.

December again caused this homebody to shudder. A trip to NY was on my daughters agenda but I was hesitant... the drive, the timing..the... the... the. But a sisters desire and a daughters desire and the reality that this type trip isnt a given every season and we were off. Sweet reunion for my part time daughter Paula with old roomate who hosted us in WVa, much landscape and a few stops to ooh and ahhh and breathe deeply at the wonderful coffee shop in PA. Then to the cabin in the woods we nested for a few days. Snow, sledding, wood stove, pancakes with real maple syrup and other delights from my sweet mom. We knit and visited and had an old fashion christmas with a real tree. Sam played chess and schooled and sled with cousins. I made the rounds to a few V relatives and then on to tour the capital bldg in Albany, we felt the place was ours to enjoy as few were about. We stood in the Senate lobby with ornate "curtains" and velvet seating and enjoyed the craftsmanship about us. We then dined on Equidorian food around my dear sisters table and enjoyed her roomate. The girls then headed to NYC for a few days of snow and city. I spent time knitting and visiting with anothe sister in her new house- had fun dreaming and scheming for the renovations ahead.

As we prepped to travel home I had a sweet surprise, a whisper from the Lord of a friend along the way, 10 years since our last visit. She opened our home to the five of us and we enjoyed sharing life and struggles, a treat from the Lord for both of us as we were reminded that this path of life is not one tha is not shared by others. We arrived home in time to nap repeatedly and have a leisure Christmas with the family +one= wonderful.

Along with memories I brought home a sore arm. My left arm started to ache as I drove west out of NY and was throbbing as we entered PA and OH. Tuesday I hardly drove, it was not feeling well. Holiday medicine are not to be mixed so i dug in my drug stash and after Christmas I went to see the doc. We still aren't sure what happened but I was in pain and muscle relaxaters, anti inflammatory and more pain meds were Rxed. Relief but also reality- I was one armed- no knitting, no quilting, my hyper activity was squashed, much physical activity was unrealistic. Not easy for this busy gal, but I watched TV, did puzzles, rested, read and colored. And my spirit settled and reflected and quieted, good stuff. Slowly the pain has subsided and the muscles are aching less, but wisdom is also reigning that less heavy lifting and movement for a season is in store. I have adjusted and am taking a sabatical from some activities for a bit. I am limiting typing as needed. I am adjusting.

And so our new year has begun. the passing of time continues, often marked only by the calendar. Then this past week I had Sam read, and read, and read. Before he knew it an hour had passed. We had read together for an hour. not a big thing for most... for us a milestone. Time has done what time does, bring growth and change. Slowly, daily, bit by bit fluency has increased and endurance. A few days ago I felt a rumble, over and over... jumping jacks... once beyond understanding were being executed without pause... another sign that time had passed and skill had developed.

Patience is often something I think I have... reality indicates otherwise. Oh, I endure many things beyond what other tolerate but my nature is quick and now... and so I have been blessed with a patience builder. God continues to intersect my life, taking me out of my comfort zone to slow down, try new things and show His glory in the midst of my life. I am able to have moments where I look back in time to appreciate all that has occurred. This week has been one of those, seeing progress, seeing how He has helped this homebody leave home and return home richer for having stepped out.

I am not cured of my homebody nature but slowly I am gaining more reasons for walking beyond my comfort, because each time I do my comfort grows to include a greater base.

the blessing of nature

2009-11-02T06:16:00.005-06:00

This was a full weekend.

It was a birthday weekend, and a year where the blessings kept coming. They trickled in, were hinted at and meandered through two days with the grand culmination of a formal dinner prepped by our local chef, a French/Russian waiter serving and professional photographer documenting it all. A bit over the top, a bit overwhelming, A huge blessing from those who love me.

Thursday was busy with routine obligations and a missed the busy detour thrown in. My first cake awaited me- a great creation of pumpkin sitting in "dirt"- yum! Dinner was enjoyed at the mexican resteraunt nearby- Best Food Yes! they tell us and we agree. I think I barely ate the next day as the food was so good. Cake #2 was Friday afternoon snack as it was the soonest we had room for such a delight. A great appetizer for the dinner ahead.

My bear and I enjoyed a walk in the local woods... great predate activity. Nature does so much to restore me within. Leaves of all colors dancing through the air, grasses drying as they wave. So many memories of mine are connected with woods, fields and slowing the pace.

Friday night my love escorted me to the neighbors cabin where we were quickly seated by the matri di (she?). Sparkling bubbly soon followed and thus began the many courses... crab stuffed mushrooms, homemade french bread with dipping sauce, salad, artichoke, garlic sauted green beans and potatoes of choice. I thought the next course was the topper- Lobster! and oh my was it fun and delicious, but the dessert was about its equal- terimisu! YUM YUM YUM !!! all of it wonderful, delightful and a blessing. My children and the girls who children of our heart all served and blessed us with their presence and service. Matthew was our photographer, Elizabeth the su chef, Daniel our french/russian waiter, Bette and Jose his assistants and Jesse serenaded us with violin music! It ws fun to be part of both as recipeint and as bystander, hearing the kids work and play togehter in the kitchen. To enjoy their talents and willingness to serve others. To make memories together. To share a meal of such delight and blessing with friends who are as family.

What a day, what a night, what a birthday blessing. what scheming family and friends and neighbors... what a life. And the weekend was half over.

Saturday I reluctantly went to a yardsale, to bless my bear, I had other plans. Seems God may have had plans as well. We made a curiosity inquiry about a Jenn Air double wall oven that sat in the garage and were told it was free to whoever would take it away. we did a doubletake. (Our oven door glass departed us a few weeks ago and is on the slate for replacement (stove) when we get to remod.) we had talked about a wall oven. Free, 5 yr old, jenn air. hmmm... van ??? Yes, we fit it in the van and it now awaits our dreams to move to action. who would have thunk??? The rest of the day was filled with college grad for a friend... being part of the end of what was worked so hard on. And then trunk or treat...serving the community to help them have sweet memories of family time and the scent of Jesus in the midst of what can be a dark holiday. All good and busy and satisfying activities.

Sunday I awoke with a question of what to do- home or nature. I chose nature. After such a busy, busy weekend the idea of retreating to the woods seemed a salve for the harried life we lived over the past few days. We grabbed the youngest and loaded the van, and off we went. What peaceful beauty awaited us as we drove throught Tennessee countryside, walked on paths, pebble beaches and wooded lanes. We enjoyed the breezes off the lake, the decay of catfish larger than I think I knew existed, birds flying out of their wooden roost and dazzling us with their beauty. All of it renewing, bringig peace, contentment and a settling within.

So often I find that I resist going out when I am worn down. Yet when I do venture into nature I find that I am renewed. Maybe it is the sun, the breeze, the beauty???? Maybe it is just the tonic that God created it to be... it is Good!

Life returns to "normal" today... the cakes are about gone, one piece of tarimisu awaits in the fridge and the routine of the week awaits my engaging. I am ready, I have spent time rejoicing in the creation of my Lord, gazing at His beauty and resting on His day! I am blessed indeed!

resetting the clock

2009-10-30T07:38:00.004-05:00

We went to the doctors last week and all was smooth, new meds were not a hit, so back to old meds and all seemed good.Tthen from upstairs I heard the word "seizure" up I sprang and trotted.

I missed the fullness, but was left with the aftereffects- bloody lip, 1/4 of the body not co-operating for several minutes, confusion and tears and then sleep... the sleep that erases memories. This morning no memories except listening to faithful Hank the cowdog while on a sleeping bag the floor. It was his choice of a safe place to be after the seizure. We were happy to accomadate. A good nights sleep and we start the clock again. We were up to 7 months without a major seizure- YEAH!! We press on, work on keeping sleep secure, fluids up and lots of healthy exercise along with meds. We do our part, the rest is up to God and his brain's wiring.

Epilepsy... something I thought to be far off... something i held in the back closet of our family, then the front closet, now some days it visits us in the living room or bedroom. Some days a companion. Often more like an overripe relative that you want to leave but you just can't figure out how to make it want to go. All part of the journey that we are on, learning grace, learning wisdom, learning patience and faith and trust.

Last night again I breathed a sigh of relief and my spirit a prayer of thanks for the life we have, the life extended, the briefness of the brainstorm that gave me a reason to trot upstairs and love on my son for a bit.

And so begins day 1 as the clock is reset.

Where do you go to church?

2009-09-13T15:45:00.005-05:00

A few weeks ago I would have answered this question with.... First Church.... Then I read a book that challenged my thinking of the definition of church. Somehow, I have forgotten over time that I am part of the church... the body of Christ. That the church is more than the building or a denomination or a congregation. It is all of those things and more, linked together and alive because of the Spirit of God, alive within the members.

Yesterday I found myself in a room full of strangers, all gathered for the purpose of unity and service. What a great gathering it was as I found myself among folks who were from many different congregations and those who attended no congregation at all. All were joined together to spend several hours loving others by giving of their time and talent.

I had a moment where I felt like the baton of my folks had been passed on to me. They had raised me to a lifestyle of service and giving to others, and once again I found myself in a place where I might serve strangers as I had done in my childhood. I felt like I had joined in an event that they would have chosen to be a part of. But I am digressing... from the morning events I walked away with a word to answer the question at hand. It was asked of me by a few of the folks yesterday and I found that it settled well into my heart as I wrestled with how to answer this question, which is often asked of me.

What congregation are you a part of? I like that, the question is not what building, as though that would define where I worship, but rather what gathering of the body of Christ do I worship with. That fits better my new understanding of church. For I am a member of the body of Christ, who gather together and make up His "church".

Today we awoke and put on "church" clothes, all set to walk out the door and go to "church". Then the phone rang and it became time to put on my other church clothes, the ones I am truly more comfortable in. Our neighbor had a water leak, in the wall, and needed help. So rather than worshipping in a building we lived life before the Lord with wet butts and laughter and spraying water. We shared life with a friend who has yet to understand the Life that was sacrificed for her. We were the body of Christ in the life of this neighbor and in our hearts we worshipped the Lord and thanked Him for an opportunity to lay our life down for Him. We did not attend a set program, we broke our tradition and elavated the needs of an unbeliever over our tradition of attending a gathering of believers, and it was good.

This is not all that different from what my beliefs were a few weeks ago. Yet as I reflected today of my heart attitude of serving the needs of the lost and starving, giving them priority over serving the "expection" of the believers around me, I know I may be viewed as radical. To break tradition, to work on my day of rest, is it ok? Could this work be holy? Could serving be worship? Can one have church on a wet rug sharing life with an unbeliever? I think yes, I think that what we did today is what Jesus would have done, and so I believe that today we went to church at my neighbor's house, and it was a great service!

If you go to Julie and Julia....

2009-09-09T21:17:00.009-05:00

I feel like a character in the if you give a mouse a cookie book. If you go to see the movie Julie and Julia you willbe inspired by all the food and you will want to cook. If you open your cookbook you will think back on the movie. If you stumble upon a Julia related cookbook you will buy it......

So, I went to the movie, it was inspirational to me, has me thinking about cooking through a cookbook. I found that in the week following I was drying my meat so that it would brown, I was giving mushrooms space so they would saute better.The gleaned hints worked! And so I began to dream about cooking my way through a cookbook.

On Sunday I stopped at our local perpetual yardsale/ flea market and stumbled upon Baking with Julia. I opened it and the breads drew me in, crusty and appealing, so for $3 I had the cookbook to begin my journey. For the next few days I have wandered through it dreaming of the breads that would come. I bought my first bag of rye flour only to realize later that I did not have caraway seeds and it may be important, so since I am trying to be true to Julia's honor I will wait so that I may stick close (exact) to the receipe as possible.

Then I found myself returning again and again to this picture. I was inspired to try my hand at this crusty crunchy Potato Bread. The receipe was easy to follow and I think it came out well. The smell is wafting through the house, drawing studying children down from afar. The first hungry soul offered to cut me a piece but I declined yet when I went out to take pictures I found I could not resist, and yes, it was worth the work. It is crusty yet tender.

Spritzing water in the oven does make a difference, ice cubes on the bottom of the oven did not destroy it. Maybe the stone that it was baked on also made for a crispy crust.

I think I am going back to my past endevours and will again be baking bread . Bread is a favorite of everyone in the house and I just have not found the wonderful artisian breads that we came to love from the bakeries in NY and Germany. I expect there is a location locally that has them yet I also aniticapate that they are beyond my pricepoint preference or common travel path. So I will be playing in the flour again!

So, thank you Hollywood for the inspiration to bake and my family thanks you as well for who knows what will happen if you go to see Julie and Julia!

Academically challenging

2009-09-09T06:20:00.007-05:00

The phrase academically challenging has hit a whole new level of meaning for me in the past week.

I have a son in college taking classes that the name I can barely pronounce let alone begin to understand what is taught- high level math and science classes... he strives to earn the prize of an electrical engineering degree. I expect he will make it to the goal but there will be blood and sweat along the way and so the prize will be all the more sweet along with the reward of a paycheck that could make life a bit easier. He has academically challenging courses and thankfully his brain cells process most of the information well, or he wrestles with it until he is able to make some sense of it.

I have a daughter who is also in college, her recent academic challenges have come in the form of learning grace and personal responsibility even when the professors are unintelligible. It seems that both of the kids have teachers who are of foreign birth and come to their universities with heavy accents so one of the challenges is to decipher the words spoken and attempt to align them with known words, not always easy. She tells me that often the teacher is spelling out his words as the whole class is struggling to understand the spoken words. She also has the academic challenge of learning that in college the syllabus is the guide and no matter what the prof may or may not teach you are responsible for the material presented in the guide. not an easy lesson after being led by the hand in high school.

Our next son has voluntarily signed up for AP courses this year. He "whines" about the work, we smile as we know the challenge is good for him. He is finding it academically challenging to keep up with the reading and studying. He is finding that the teachers mean business and expect the students to come prepared. He is rising to the challenge and we see it as a good thing as he seems to enjoy a life full of challenge.

All three of these kids face academic challenges as I have known them, that was my past definition, tough challenging coursework, above the norm expectations, needing focus attention.

This week I had a new look at the meaning of academically challenged as I began to realize the inkling I have had that this year would be a year of challenge came to fruition. Our youngest has had growing learning struggles. Not sure that they have grown as much as I have grown to realize how invasive they are. As the years have passed with his peers gaining in academic skills I have seem him move forward at his own pace. This year it is beginning to feel like the rabbit and hare scenario... one that I knew was on the horizon but had not come to fully acknowledge.

This week I am looking at it with the rose colored glasses off. This week the reality of advocating, intervention, accommodations and their place in our life has hit home. Class work that is simple for many will not be quickly mastered by this one, yet can be mastered in its fundamentals. I have come to realize that these are challenges that are to be faced, prepped for and negotiated. There will be need for prep for classes and extra study devoted. We will have to shift through the material and choose what is truly the important and what is fluff, leaving off the fluff as there is just not time and energy for more than the basics.

This week in the midst of the revelation and personal (yes, emotional) toil of my heart to face reality I saw God. As I again and again face what is and not what I want there to be God shows up to remind me that He is aware of the struggle and allows grace in the midst of it. I received a call from one teacher who affirmed some of the struggles and the reality that copying information from the board and listening to the lecture at the same time was not realistic. We talked about options and strategies for success in the class. Another teacher and I are in the midst of reviewing material to see what is also realistic and how to test for retention and bring success in another class. Both classes will be simplified and for this child that will be academically challenging. For another it would not.

Hmmm.... Academically challenging... when the child is challenged by the academics, to learn and get his brain to retain the material. hmmm, same definition but coming from the other side, I guess it is not a black and white definition. I guess I can no longer think that only higher level stuff is academically challenging. sometimes, for some people the simple stuff is academically challenging.

And so grace walks in... to accept each person where they are at, and allow for what is easy for me and you to be a challenge for a peer. To meet a child where they are at, accepting , encouraging and cheering them on as they wrestle with their own academic challenges.

And the Gracious One continues to shape me and mold me in his loving way. Again I find myself feeling like I am on the potters wheel, pressed upon and hugged as he lovingly makes adjustments and shapes and forms me. How different this parenting thing is when it does not fit the mold of the past children, when there are new situations to learn through. When your expectations don't meet with reality and there is nothing you can do but be patient and wait and live a dependent life fully trusting that God knows what he is doing. Ahhh, its that S word again, surrender. laying down and allowing Him to reign, letting go of control. So, I too am being challenged by academics, learning to let go and not place them on the altar of life as an idol but acknowledge that they truly are just a part of life and a stepping stone on the path of the journey.

Reflections of summer past

2009-09-07T20:13:00.006-05:00

Summer is officially over, it is Labor Day, and so even kids in the north will be starting school tomorrow, if they haven't already, we've been hitting the books for over 3 weeks. As I stopped into the blog,I realized tonight that it really has been a long time since I have posted. My dear one is hanging around the saved swampland of the south (Florida) for a few days so tonight seemed a good time to stop and post.

The summer has passed with many busy days and a few down days. It felt like a different kind of summer as the dynamics of the family change with the shifting of children moving into new season. My son is busy burning braincells over Physics 3 and deciphering the accent of a prof along with working 20+ hours a week. Our daughter is settling into another local university to the east of our home. Our middle son spent the summer enjoying life, rescuing deer and waiting for school to begin again. Our youngest spent time working his way through metronome therapy, going to summer camp and enjoying a slower pace as well as some camping with Dad.

Now here we are in September, and schooling has begun again. The therapy that we worked hard on for 6 weeks has paid off. A child who NEVER noticed a joke is now telling us "you are teasing me", he is more interactive, aware and his reading speed has picked up. The 20 second attention span has moved up to 9 minutes. All this has delighted me as a mom and his teacher. We continue to work on learning struggles and life lessons that need to be taught.

The summer was active with canning... chicken, salsa, peaches, salsa, g.beans, salsa, potatoes, salsa, jam and salsa. Yes, we had tomatoes and peppers in moderate abundance, but not enought to can them alone so salsa was my default for a bucket of tomatoes and peppers. we are now blessed with a few shelves of canning jars, lined up and waiting for our appetites. It has been a blessing to also have a jar or two of homemade jam to share with those we love.

This was a summer of wedding travel. Our children are getting of the age where their peers are starting to wed. We traveled to Tennessee to see a childhood friend unite with her beloved amidst a volley of approval. (the outdoor wedding field backed to a skeet shooting range that just happened to be holding a shooting contest as the nupticals were spoken- perfect for a 'country wedding"). The simple wedding was beautiful and rustic, one that reminded me of our own wedding of 26 years ago. It was a sweet time as we visited with old friends and enjoyed the passage of seasons for our friend and her new spouse.

August brought us to the wedding of our "red headed stepson"- a favorite friend of our son and one we shared life with in NC. He and his bride had a beautiful wedding in a chapel and it was fun to watch the family rejoice and enjoy a day of beauty and joy as the couple sealed their commitment with a ring.

The trip to NC was one anticipated on many fronts- visit with friends, time spent sharing life with a girlfriend and the wedding. Life was what happened when I made other plans. My girlfriend had to leave town unexpectedly, yet I was able to spend time with a friend that was unplanned but was of encouragement to both of us. I also stopped by the place of fellowship one evening and had a conversation that left both parties encouraged to press on in life and loving others.

While in NC I began to see God in the midst of my travels in some very real ways. I was driving across town to visit my old neighbors when I noticed that traffic ahead was slowing, soon flashing lights appeared on the horizon. My cell phone rang and as I answered it, I found that it was my girlfriend, at whose house I was staying. She began telling me of her son having had a car accident. As we spoke I realized their accident was ahead of me. She was with her mother in another state and her husband was also traveling out of state. God was caring for their boys amidst a life event, and I was who He was putting there. I was soon on the scene of the accident and in comunication with the boys and caring for them in her stead. We are and were amazed at God's provision in the midst of the mess of the accident to have help so close by.

I made it to my neighbors the following day, finding it to be a blessing to sit in their backyard, enjoying their company and nature. My dear friend has walked down the pink ribbon path, battling breast cancer and as of now, winning. It has shaped and changed them, and given her a desire to encourage and share life with others who will embark upon the same journey. It was a sweet time of sharing life and longing for the minutes to stretch longer as we miss the sporadic chats we once shared amidst gardening. I have reflected upon the peaceful joy I have in the company of many elderly friends, a blessing I never anticipated as a youth, but one I savor as they come into and share life with me.

Along the path home was an exit that would have led to the homes of many of my husband's cousins. My son was anxious to return home so we decided to not call and stop in for a visit, yet I mused to my Lord about the possiblitiy of Him making it possible for us to meet one of them for lunch at that exit. It was a thought, a hope but not truly thought possible,as I never called anyone, yet we did get off the exit where they lived and into Arby's parking lot we pulled. Then my son said "Don't we know that person?" sure enough God had done it, my husband's cousin was standing in the parking lot talking on a cell! I jumped out and rejoiced as his wife came out and we enjoyed a lunch together. It was a sweet time for me as we had not seen them for 3 years. Life had been happening for them and I was able to hear a bit of their story, encourage them and now pray with wisdom for them.. Again, God had intersected our life in an unexpected way.

And not to miss an opportunity to speak of how small this world is for our God I will tell you one last tale of how he can connect people in this vast world to bless those who love Him. A few weeks ago a friend asked a favor of me. I was asked to search for and buy a homeschool book for her. It was a book she needed "yesterday" and so I looked. I found it on half.com- an online posting for selling books throughout the USA. I noticed a posting from AL, as I looked closer I noticed it was our local city. I thought of how it was a shame to wait on postal service rather than connect and pickup the book. On a whim I pulled out the telephone book and looked to see if the name listed was in fact a name. It was, and it was a gal who knew my name. I had not remebered her but she is a MaryKay gal. She agreed to sell the book to us, and my girlfriend picked it up that night. It was huge- as it eased stress in her life, but moreso because it was a way that God showed that he cares about the details of our lives, amidst the mess and stress, amidst the dissappointments and struggles, He is aware. A small thing, a book, and yet a big thing... connections made that perhaps are co-incidental and yet I chose to believe that it was the loving heart of our Heavenly Father that was caring for her daughter that needed encouragement and loving upon.

And so our summer has passed with moments where we have seen the hand of God, moments of life happening when we had other plans, moments of shared struggle and growth, moments of down-time and delight. I have risked my fear, faced th e canner and now it is my friend. I have slowed down and delighted in looser structure yet now enjoy a bit more structure to guide our days.

Perhaps I am back to posting again, not sure... Blogging is like getting a letter from a friend in the mail, a delightful way to catchup, keep up, inspire and encourage as we walk this path of life. Thanks for stopping in, may the month ahead have some moments where you too see the finger of God moving through your life.

pressure canning

2009-07-17T22:38:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago I found a DEAL on chicken, unexpectedly and soon I found myself cooking and prepping for it for canning. I have avoided pressure canners for years. My mother in law once sent me one and it sat until I passed it along to another brave soul. Last year I thoguht I found a deal on a pressure canner, only to find out that it was an unsafe model so I sent part of it away so it would never be used as a canner.

The spring came along this year and the request that I pressure can was repeated by my husband of 25 yrs. He desired for me to givecanning a try. I determined to brave it out and give it a go. This desire to please the mister was assisted by the discovery of a tried and true canner sitting on a thrift shop shelf waiting for me and my deal sniffing nose. I snatched it up, figuring that a used on had proved itself and would be safe for me to use. I outfitted it with missing parts and looked for an opportunity to put it inuse.

I began the chicken canning morning early and soon found the jars ready for the pot. Soon I had two canners moving towards boiling. The more I read about the process the easier I found it to be- put 1.5 or 2 qts of water into bottom of canner, put in jars and cover, lock and seal. Bring to boil, once steam escapes let it steam for 10 min. Then put on weight to specified poundage. Cook for specified time as receipe indicates. When time is up, turn off heat and let cool. Once cool enough open top- pressure will have released. Let jars cool on counter and when cool wash, remove rings and store. It is a step by step process that is fairly simple to manage. There is not LOTS of water to pour and manage as it boils over like a water bath cannning method. I am hooked now, I follow the steps and wait for the steam, then the timer to go off, then the jiggler goes on and before I know it the canning is done!

It has been a few weeks now... I have canned 13pts chicken, 3 pts chicken stock, 6 qts peaches, 5 pints of salsa and a pint of soup. today I took a #10 can of pizza sauce and divided it into 6 pint jars and canned it- cheaper than buying the small jars at the store and more convenient than the freezer, and if the door is left open , no biggie. The last batch of frozen pizza sauce became quasi italian taco soup as I emptied all the thawing freezer contents into the stock pot.

So... if any of you in reader land are fearful of the pressure canner, take the plunge and give it a go... it really is not hard. Hmmm, what shall I can tomorrow?? maybe more salsa as the tomatoes are ripening up nicely!

Weary

2009-06-10T06:19:00.002-05:00

It has been a busy few weeks, lots of folks, activity and therapy. Amidst all that I have found time to stitch and quilt. Yesterday as I finished up a baby quilt I realized that I had hit quilt burnout- I was tired of quilting- my hands were tired of stitching. Yet as I write this in the early hours of the day, maybe it is just that I am weary from all the activity that our life has held.

We have joyfully welcomed guests, more guests and a repeat guest in the last two weeks. We have repaired a chimney, worked in the garden and continued a daily therapy routine that has promising results, some already seen. And we have lived normal life. I find myself falliing into bed each night bone weary, just too much living maybe??? Yet, except for the chimney repair afternoon I dont know that any of it would be denied given the choice.

My daughter is off on her first road adventure, and it was with joy that we waved goodbye, having enjoyed a few days with her friend sharing life with us. They will return on Saturday and we'll enjoy a few more fun filled days with Paula and her laughter and sweet spirit. More joy.

So as I finish the quilts before me, with joy at the blessing they will be to the ones we love, it is good to come to an end of some projects, good to rest for a bit and consider what is ahead. It will be good to take a few days a bit slower and then return renewed to home life and the activity to come.

off to kids camp we go

2009-06-10T06:12:00.001-05:00

I am heading to camp today.... yet not. My son is heading to children's camp today for 3 days- should be alot of fun. Because of his medical condition sleep is a necessity, camp does not promote this with 10 pm bed time which equates to midnight quiet time. Not good. Our solution is - me! I will go, and provide a sleep space at 830 pm that will provide quiet and peace= a hotel room. Ahh, he does get the "good life", or spoiling as the siblings would call it. camp but a/c and hotel living!

As I approach this event it is with an bit of uncertainty, how do I as a Mom check in and monitor yet give him space to just be a camper. How will my days be filled?? will I be needed to "work" in some reguard or will they be days of ease, reading and vacationing for me??? Many unknowns, yet I will be in a new place, I will have my van and the freedom to travel to check out local spotlights if I wish, soI am sure it will all be fine.

A new adventure, a new approach- making adaptions to allow for a common childhood event - summer camp- but with a bit of creativity to meet the needs of our child's medical needs. Let the adventure begin....

water, an element that continues to visit us within

2009-05-18T06:16:00.008-05:00

We had plans for some work on the house, not fun stuff, but rather needful stuff. It was to be next week... but life happens when you make other plans.

Friday as Paul and I enjoyed b'fast on the "veranda" our wise siding guy arrived. He also does roofing work, which has been a blessing to us. He came for one purpose but soon was busy with us to determine the source of the elusive roof leak.

Last week Tim came and we watered down the chimney and then the siding. It appeared that it was a siding issue as I found water in a small hole I cut in the drywall next to the chimney as he sprayed water on the siding. We did not give consideration to the reality that there had been water on the roof first.

Friday the guys began at the siding- giving it a good pounding of water, with no water coming in. By this point- 5 months since the first leak, we are well ready for the source to be found. Paul took my 1 x 2 inch hole and cut away the drywall up to the ceiling and then part of the ceiling drywall to allow access into the space above for greater visablity.

Water is then introduced above on the roof. Suddenly it is coming in. then it stops and again it is coming down. Further examination helps to narrow the leak. It is back to a roof issue, a flashing issue it appears. We contact the roofing company- they will be out to relook later this week. I am sure they are not pleased by our cutting as it also has revealed black mold and will increase the repairs that need to be done. We are just ready to stop looking up when it rains.

Water, water, water so seems the theme of this season. Friday afternoon I wanted to get the shower that did not come that morning as we tore into the roof. The hotwater heater decided, once again, to not play. After 20 hash marks on the "we can get to 1,000 marks" chart (Ebeth's lighthearted way of dealing with frustration) we decided that maybe it had given up the ghost.

I cashed in on open door offer of neighbors, returning clean and refreshed to a house with no hotwater heater on the wall again. Paul decided that today was the day to begin, not next week. That night he picked up plumbing supplies and Saturday turned into a plumbing marathon. 13 hours later he had rerouted the plumbing lines, installed a sediment and scale filter and the new hot water heater has fired up. We have cooed, prayed and cheered it on. We hope that this is the one that wil stay and serve the house well.

We so often take things for granted- hot water, dry ceilings.... they are not taken for granted so much these days. We are grateful for the provisions of the companies that have returned again and again, grateful for their ongoing striving to make it all right. Many days we are weary in the journey, yet press on knowing that it is a season and it too shall pass and one day we will look back from this time.

T-tapp update

2009-05-12T05:16:00.002-05:00

I awoke this morning thinking of conversations i had yesterday with two friends. Both have begun to t-tapp and both are finding results. One found 2" weight loss and 1 pant size change in a weeks time. The other was not so specific with her feedback beyond how it is a workout and she is feeling better and finding her body changing.

It has been 6 weeks since I wrote about t-tapping. 7 weeks since I began. I had an unexpected week off due to technical difficulites, otherwise I have maintained my routine of t-tapping twice a week or more since then. for me that is huge as I have not routinely exercised in years beyond a few months of jogging in NC.

I still have not tracked well my measurement changes, beyond the pounds on the scale- which I tend to avoid. The reality is that I am switching from flab to toned muscle so the numbers have gone up slightly. Yet the other reality is that I feel tighter within, there is a change that is slowly going on from the inside out. I expect one day to find that the upper arms are going to be well defined where now they are just starting to be defined. Makes me wish I had taken the before pics for an objective mark of where I began. I sense changes but the pics would be proof positive.

The other change I am noticing is that my left thigh,which has always had a greatly diminished muscle on the inner top side seems to be changing. I don't know if over time it will develop fully, but just knowing that it is developing has given me further motivation.

So, I keep on the 15 min workout. Loving that I moving and continuing to feel energized, that if my body gets creaky I spend a short time moving and I am aligned and no longer in pain and creaky. That in a simple way I am achieving a goal that i never thought I could achieve as I am so exercise lazy- yet it was through a simple routine that good changes have come.

So, if you long for a do-able exercise routine and dont want to have to kill yourself to get real change give t-tapp a try. One friend had been following some kind of video and sweating away with no change. she made the switch and found there was a dramatic difference in the outcome. i dont understand the why, i just know it is different and productive.

www.t-tapp.com is where a wealth of information can be found. I am off to do some hoe downs and today I may begin to learn the walking workout, I am feeling like its time to challenge my body a bit more.

The stone is passed

2009-05-07T06:29:00.002-05:00

Last night after months of waiting my daughter received word of a scholarship being granted her for her school of choice. This was not the typical- submit your scholarship application and receive word journey. It was a journey of faith, perseverence and a bit of nagging. All cemented together with prayer.

In October of last year she submitted her application and essay. Within a week she received word that part of it was missing, so she resubmitted her paperwork. By January she called to see if any decision had been made as she hoped to start college midyear. She was told that the commitee had not met yet. So the waiting began as she worked a full time job.

As spring approached she began to work the process of cementing her enrollment. She made several inquiries about scholarship status, all to end in no clear answer. As April began and spring was on its way she stepped up inquiries, still no clear answers. As the closing of April came I began to wonder at the lack of clear communication of any sort. I made a few inquiries and at last we found that her scholarship application had turned up MIA. She went to campus and we were grateful to find that her scholarship essay was in her file with the Oct 08 stamp receival date upon it.

More perseverence was still required as she met with, emailed and submitted more paperwork and chased trails for any scholarship posiblity as most of the funds had been granted at this point. We prayed, asked God for provision and waited. yesterday word was given that she will recieve full tuition and fees scholarship.

What does this have to do with stones?? At first glance not much, yet in our family we have stones that symblize times of faith testing or provisions of God. As I received the news of this season of waiting and the wonderful provision I knew it was an "Ebenezer stone" time. I sat down and made a stone for the scholarship and one for her job- as her first job kind of "fell from heaven". As she came home I showed them to her, acknowledging that she has begun her own walk of faith journey and this was one of the stepping stones of that journey.

Walking by faith, not easy, not fun, but the scenery is memorable, the lessons indelible. Watching her walk, seeking prayer from others and living dependent upon the Lord has been a joy to behold. It has been a week of surrender and calling out to God- sometimes to get a quick answer, sometimes to continue to wait and persevere.

Sam lost his treasured Leatherman, searching availed it not, so we talked and prayed. Then I questioned him a bit more and soon we found it- chance, perhaps, but maybe just the beginning of God allowing him to learn to seek Him in the midst of his need. For Ebeth it was perseverence and patience as well as alot of footwork. Not easy, not fun, often frustrating, but in the end there was a blessing.

What a joy to watch our children learn to live by faith!

wet weekend

2009-05-03T17:11:00.003-05:00

Its been rather wet in Toney this weekend. Thankfully it has all stayed outside if you dont count what we have tracked in on our feet. That is right, it seems that the roof is fixed, not sure where the leak originated or which glob of caulk sealed it but the water is no longer invading the room upstairs- YEAH!!!!

It has been a weekend of rest as the end of the week was a "life is what happens when you make other plans" kind of days. Our dear neighbor had a virus that seems to have caused dehydration that seems to have caused her to pass out that led to broken fingers that caused much pain..... hospital.... doctors office visits....childcare.... Kind of the "if you give the mouse a coookie" (a children's book) scenrio but it was rather the illness gone wrong strain of life. She is now happily braced, drugged and waiting for swelling to go down and surgery to pin her fingers into happy places. short drop makes for big boo boos! We found our life in the midst of theirs as support team. It was fun to be around 1.5, 4, and 6 yr olds. When baby chicks arrived on Friday Paul became chief chick sitter and it was fun to see the cute soft chicks peep their way into our hearts.

The garden is mostly planted. We have begun to harvest broccoli and strawberries- yum!! i need to think of things to eat spring onions with as they are doing great. The spinach is beginning to come up as are the beets so in a few weeks they will be ready to enjoy. I built three new boxes and have planted in two of them. I will be taking the cucumbers and squash verticle this year- no longer allowing them to run rampant over the ground. I am hoping to focus the cuc's energy on fruit and less on vine this year- we'll see how it goes. It looks like the peach tree and grape vines are settling into life in the side yard. I have put in enough flowers that I now need to keep away from Lowe's - my favorite place to go for deep discount, rescue me before I die plants. so cheap its hard to say no, but I will try.

We helped out a co-worker of Paul a few weeks ago. He had surgery and had not gotten to the spring cleanup of the yard. The Team Varian swept in and groomed it into manageable shape. Amidst that morning of activity came the lesson of "dont overplant" - thinking forward to what is truly manageable in terms of flower beds and plant maintance for the golden years of life. I think I am there about where I am at. I have been adding small perrenial beds around bases of foundation and fencing but I think it may be time to stop. There gets to be a point of too much and if I am not careful I may hit it. At present the ivy that swarms the front bed feels like too much, but I have been reluctant to roundup the vines- it may yet occur, just to keep ahead of the growth.

This year is a bit different here, the last two were drought kind of years, this one is not, at all. We shall begin to truly see the growth potential of the land here. My hydrengas may actually bloom and all the small ones i transplanted last year may grown up a bit. Exciting and scary at the same time. Already I am seeing where plants will be a bit crowded, but I am getting less and less leary of being a transplaner. I guess I have begun to "own" my home and gardens. The sage bushes were moved out of the herb garden - I dont like sage- and relegated to ornamental bush. I have moved in some daisies as I love that flower and would like to enjoy some cut flowers among the herbs.

So as the cool weather makes the green vibrant outside I am enjoying a leisurely Sunday. I spent the afternoon out with my daughter- a blessing to enjoy her company and she seems to reflect the same. Now a quiet evening of quiliting and looking forward to the week ahead. I am thankfull for the slower pace that wet weekends bring to us.

blog slacking

2009-04-22T08:56:00.001-05:00

I was visiting an old friends blog and saw the term blog slacker, and thought, yup that has been me. Life has been happening- seems it often gets in the way of glorious creations, elaborate plans and dreams that seeem so great, until reality shoves its way into the bubble of dreamland.

This week has been one of bouncing fevers. Our son started Saturday morning flopping on the stairs, the bathroom floor and holding his head- he was NOT well- ("faking it" said one sibling- NOT said mom). Fast forward a few hours, cleanup of the erruption that followed and we had one sick kid on our hands, but by noon all looked good. And so began the roller coaster ride of this flu that wouldn't shoo. Temps spiked at 100-101, up and down they went. yesterday (tues) we went to see doc- to be safe, and were cofirmed that it looked like the flu. Today he is coming back to normal- a nice thing after seeing him lay his head on the island too miserable to eat dinner, yet 45 min later chowing down and asking for dessert!? the joys of rollercoaster flu!

So, today we ventured back into some books, but going slow. He says he is "55%" on the way to health. I am cautious, but rejoicing to have him back. It will be good to be back on level ground and no more rollercoaster riding.

It was interesting to me - I enjoyed having a bit of free time from schooling- finishing a quilting top while he slept. yet at the same time the house was quiet and part of me longed for routine. Other times as I answered the many calls for "mom" I found myself weary of being on call, feeling trapped on the outside as he was inside his flu laden body. A week of testing my selflessness- not sure I always passed. More of my mess reflected in the mirror of myheart.

So, slowly this blog slacker is re-entering life. Perhaps now I will also venture into the garden life and stop slacking there... I have big plans, but find myself slow to engage as I pamper my everpresent tennis elbow that I want to ignore, yet it wont let me and so i must acknowledge that I am not full strength and need to tone back my activity level from hyper to a bit normal. So, I may, or may not get extra boxes in this year, I may or may not achieve all I set out for. I guess in reality it really is ok to not do so much, but after being hyper it can be hard to slow down. So, if I slack, perhaps it is for my good, it is a slowing down, living life at a more reasonable pace.

the lightbulb went on

2009-04-07T06:29:00.001-05:00

We were riding in the car, doing math and multitasking- math on the go so we could once again have food in the house. Once again I heard " I am confused" from my son. My first reaction was frustration at a simple instruction not making sense to him. Then the lightbulb went on.

A few weeks ago I was told that mini seizures were/ are/ have been happening in his brain, 1 sec blips that alter consciousness. At times I have seen them and nicknamed them the "one second pause", thinking it was a processing delay. No, seizure. At that moment the connection hit- the "I'm confused" may actually be my cue that he has returned from a brain storm, a minor one but one that has left him fuzzy on what is/ was happening and now needs to be cued in to present activity.

Another dot connected! A moment of "duh, why did I not get that sooner?" A realization that what I may be hearing and what he is speaking can be two totally different things. A moment when I begin to look at life from his seat a wee little bit. A blessing to me to understand a bit more of the struggles he faces.

So, slowly the lightbulbs are warming up here, the understanding of life with epilepsy and the many facets of its walk grows within us. Some weeks the light feels strong and harsh, other days we do not even notice that it is shining in our lives. Many times we are shaped with grace and mercy and compassion as we consider what our buddy has to deal with at unexpected times and for undetermined days.

In all this we thank the Lord for understanding,revelation, compassion and protection. We seek to be gracious and keep it all in perspective. The lite lightbulb is helping.

T tapp time

2009-03-26T07:14:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago I attended a ladies retreat- all about keepers of the home and loving husbands well. In the middle of Saturday afternoon some ladies threw in an extra- a promo of an exercise system that they have been doing and finding great results in... in 15 min a day! It sounded cool, their demo and testimonies were strong, and the free DVD demo and paperwork were a plus. I have known that I needed to change something but the elliptical continues to gather dust and the weights just seem heavy and as beautiful as our neighborhood is I just don't seem to be able to motivate myself to walk down the street on a regular basis.

I was blessed to receive a door prize of a DVD set, so I came home and watched the informational seminar. The next day I was a bit sore having done a few of the simple movements shown. hmmm. I next began "boot camp"- learning a series of moves that were awkward at first and as time went by became easier. Now a week and half later, most are familiar and I am finding that my previously tight shoulders are loose. I am less inclined to rest in the afternoon and perhaps my cloudy brain is not quite so cloudy.

This morning I left "boot camp" behind and ventured into the full routine and managed to keep up. It ended with "hoedowns" - a series of movements that can drop glucose levels and burn calories- they get the heart pumping for sure. I was breathless and yet refreshed at the end of the 18 min of exercises.

The amazing thing about t-tapp is the testimonies- folks do only the 15 min of these exercises and in weeks have lost a dress size or many belt notches. Weight is flushed out as they bend knee, tuck but, shoulders back and knees over little toe to begin exercising. The lymphatic system is activated and the body goes to work to burn and stretch.

Today I measured myself as I am beginning to wonder if there is any changes going on... time will tell. I am not feeling quite so creaky and with the loose shoulders I am thinking something is happening in my 15 min a day of stretch and burn time. In general there seems to be a tightness within my core that I dont recall being there before. That and the fact that I keep going back and doing the exercises, I have not been this repetitive before on any exercise for a long time. Maybe its the knowledge that its only 15 min, not 30 min, or a long distance or, or , or. speaking of which, time to t-tapp again!

brain storms

2009-03-20T17:06:00.003-05:00

This morning we awoke early in preparation for the days events. First up on the schedule was Dad vs #4 on the wii, then on to the computer for some Battlefront action followed by b'fast out at Hardees with mom. So began our day of early waking to sleep deprive our child so he was ready for an EEG.

What was last week a "lets see what is going on" scheduling of an EEG (monitoring of brain wave activity) this week became a timely event. Earlier in the week our early morning sleep in time was interrupted by pounding feet and a knock at the door- #4 was in the midst of a brain storm. A seizure. A short one but one that interrupted his life and ours for a few minutes of time. It was a quick one, unexpected as they all are, but powerful.

This morning as I sat in the darkened room and watched the lines jump and bounce I wondered at what I was seeing. Over the past year we have changed medications slowly, adapting to a new drug that seemed to bring control. Only to find during a fall campout while sharing tent space that our sleep was interuppted by the sounds of a new brain storm. Now spring break has again brought our attention to the ever present, not often thought about guest to our lives- epilepsy.

Todays' revelation coupled with the midweeek "brain party" as I had dubbed it resulted in knowledge that status quo was not enough. So I returned home to add more pills to the pill boxes and again begin on the journey of increase in hopes of stilling the storms and calling an end to the pauses that are more than a pause.

I am grateful for the time spent in sheltered workshops and group homes as a young adult, where seizures were seen and adjusted to. Those days prepared me to respond not react to what I might find when I enter a room where a storm is occuring. I am grateful to the calm that is peace in the midst of reality that all electrical circuits are not firing normally. I expect that all will settle and rest, though in the back of my mind I know it could take a while, I pray that it is quick.

I find that as I dialogue about what our life holds that it is a reality that I don't process in its fullness, but face it bit by bit, event by event. As I shared the timeline and history recently I realized that we have walked a path of much variety and variation. That the silent presence of epilepsy is truly present, no longer just something in the back closet. It influences and affects us and yet we work hard to limit the impact and to live life fully in the midst of its presence.

Months ago epilepsy was a back closet topic; acknowledged but kind of ignored and in the realm of denial. Today I am more welcoming of it, more accepting of it, sharing it more freely. I have talked with our son of the whys and how are you doings? that surround living with seizures.

I am sure he is weary of the unexpected, tiring, and extra parts of his life that come with being a keeper of the storms. It is part of our family life for now so we prepare, train and respond as needed. We pray for and thank God for our doc's and all in the health care profession who help us on this journey. We are made more aware of its hazards when it makes the headlines with hollywood attention, and we breathe easy and kind of forget when weeks pass without any hint of activity.

Brainstorms, brain storms- same letters, different activities. May your life be full of brainstorms and my your heart and head be full of compassion and grace to those who experience brain storms.

Bitterness

2009-03-11T07:07:00.007-05:00

Seems to be a morning of reflection... a morning for writing and thinking, good stuff for a bit and then back into my hyper life.

I was caught up short last week by a comment made to me. "Glad you aren't bitter" it was spoken with sarcasm and I caught it. I was surprised by it. Stunned. And my heart was pricked. Was I bitter? hmmm, welll, maybe, hmmmm. I spent time reflecting upon forgiveness and bitterness, considering it, rolling it over in my mind and heart.

My name means bitter in Hebrew; Mara- bitter. I have known this for years and strived to not become bitter. I have heard bitterness drip from those around me. Seen the wounds manifest themselves in their physical body. Unforgiveness drives deep into the bones of others and the spirit of an unforgiving person is "bitter" to behold. I thought I was immune. Hah! not!

Amidst the struggles of the past few years, taking it in stride and facing each struggle along the way I have unwittingly given in to tastes and touches of bitternesss. The record player has played a bit long on the woes of the injustice, the struggle and the drama of our lives. I had become aware of the broken record sound several months ago and tried to turn the volumne down, pull the plug and lay it to rest. I have not totally suceeded. A continual battle is the struggle to give up rights to self, to justice, to honor.

And last week, my words spoke volumnes of the attitude of my arrogant heart without my awareness. Again, I was clueless, until the prick came and God gently shined a light upon the attitude within. Pride. A battle I often ignore yet fight in the depth of my heart on a daily basis. Pride. the right to rule my life, my self, my world. the right to choose my will over His will. The "right" for justice and honor.

Over the last week I have been turning such thoughts over in my mind. Bitterness and forgiveness, which will I choose to walk in? Oh, this is a strong will within. Excuses and explanations abound in my head and heart, justifications and explantions, any way to avoid facing this wicked heart and the reality of its ugly state. Yet as the days pass and God's spirit continues to speak gently within the words come easier and His healing comes. Grace begets grace. His grace reminds me of the depth of His forgiveness, and this helps me to lay down my "rights" and my mess and let go of my bitterness, my hurt, my pain.

So the battle rages on- the battle to be without bitterness, to let go. To give up rights and lay down my will and demands before the Lord. To walk in forgiveness and reflect Him both inside and out. In words and deed. The battle to surrender- to lay down my life before the giver of life, accepting that which He brings into my life. Not easy, not fun yet so worth the peace that follows.

Deaf to gifts of love

2009-03-11T06:23:00.004-05:00

This weekend I am off to the annual ladies retreat for our homeschool ladies. A great group of women who care for the hearts of the women beyond getting grades in and blocks checked! Last year's retreat settled some questions in my heart and stretched me in new paths of faith. I am not sure what this one will bring forth, but part of me is a bit excited. I am sharing this one with my daughter and hoping she will find some kindred spirits among the many young ladies attending.

As I have been preparing for my little part of the weekend I have been reading The five Love Language of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell,MD. I am speaking on love languages and thought it would be a quick scan and picking of information. Ahh, is it ever so simple?

As I read over the chapter of the language of gifts this quote struck my heart.

"A true gift is ... an expression of love for the individual and is freely given by the donor. "

I thought about the many gifts given to me, the acts of service, the touches, the time spent with quality so I can fill up my need of for time deposits in my love tank and the many letters that fill my desire for affirmation and encouragement. I thought about my heart attitude in receiving the many gifts bestowed upon me and how I have received them.

When an expression of love matched my expectation it is joyfully received and cherished. Unfortunately when it was not a good match with my expectation I have not been gracious in my heart. The attitude was not gratitude. My bad.

I have been pricked this week to realize how much love has been poured into my life, but in a foreign language, one that I have not interpreted well. Sometimes I have figured out the message and in time have come to cherish the expression, unfortunately oftentimes it has come after the attitude of ingratitude has soured the gift and wounded the messenger. my bad. my sad.

This week I repented before my husband for my cluelessness in my heart of the hurts I was returning for the gifts given. My vision was all self centered- "what is in it for me" not what is he trying to tell me as he gave to me freely? When I scorned the hardware when I heard of the flowers- yet years later I turn to the "box of flowers" hardware box again and again in joy for the thoughtfulness and forsight of my husband for my needs. When I have belittled in my heart the gift of growing things that were given as I love plants, not thinking of how it was given freely and in love for my delight.

Oh how deceptive this heart has been in thinking of love as all about me. its not. Love in about sharing and caring and living beyond oneself. "Love is not selfseeking" (1Cor 13) When others give a hug it may be because they long to share their love with another. They may not realized that it is a foreign language to the reciepient. The home improvement that takes over the house might not be only an improvement but may also be an outpouring of lavish love by a spouse who speaks love with acts of service. Running an errand on the day its asked for is another way to speak "acts of servcie love". The card given when words dont come easy may be love shown in words of affirmation from another when he knows they are important to the receipient. When a child asks for a game or a book read, they may be asking for your time, your "quality time" to feed the need for that love language spoken in their life. And when a gift is given to you, no matter the size or value, taking time to value the heart of love that caused the giver to choose to bestow it is truly giving value to the gift- an act of love.

Oh that I would always have my universal love translator on. That I will always understand the love that is bestowed upon me and respond with gratitude and honor to those who pour out their life into mine. Maybe your translator needs a tune up as mine did. Check out a 5Love Language book at the library and retune your head and heart for the langugaes that bombard your life today!

I am now seeing the give and take of speaking love. Speak it from your heart, when able speak in the language of others, as you know the dialect. Listen close for the language of love in the words and actions of another and if confused consult the universal translator and consider the dialect spoken to clear up any communication confusion. When this is done the expressions of love abound.

slowing down to breathe

2009-03-04T18:07:00.001-06:00

Today I had a full agenda. School in the morning. Art class prep mid day then on to Physical therapy. After that pick up one son, then another and be on the road doing errands until dinner at church and then classes in the evening. Home by 830- whew! done!

All that changed about 1:55 today when I did not slow down, breathe and take my time at a stop sign. I approached the stop sign. I looked left and right and thinking I had time to pull into traffic as vehicles were only on the horizon I pulled. As I made the turn there was a noise, a bump and brakes- hmmm??!!! I pulled over, uncertain of what had happened. I had been struck.

It seems that when I looked right I missed the little red pickup that was approaching the intersection. The car I did see watched me pull into his travel path and his attempt to avoid a collision. He pulled to the right, and did as best he could, but did clip the back of the passenger door and front of the rear panel.

He was gracious and kind as I apologized and told of my lack of sight. It was a new experience for each of us; a car accident. We were both thankful for the lack of injury and apparent minor damage to our vehicles. we both drove away, shook up but uninjured. I, saddened by the cost of my haste, the hassle and cost of repairs ahead. A bit in shock over the unexpected turn to the day.

Accidents are strange... you know what you did and saw, and believe your perception to be true, yet the witnesses tell of other impressions. A moment before I had been contemplating forgiveness and bitterness, talking to God about a recent conversation and thinking about my heart attitude, yet also feeling the weariness of the day.

Oh that I would have breathed a breath, seen the little green truck. waited a bit longer. perhaps it was behind the trees and shrubs to my right as i scanned the road, perhaps i looked too far down the road and not near enough. i will never know. i do know that I will be much slower in pulling away from stop signs in the future. I will take a breath and pause a bit.

Just as I have developed my routine for starting the diesel truck- turn key, put on seat belt, start truck (having allowed wait to start light to shut off) so I think I will rethink my mode of operation at stop signs. Maybe stop, 3 breaths as I look back and forth, then pull out for clear travel.

For today, I am staying home. My active afternoon came to a halt with the unexpected trip on the way home. I am recovering from myself, content to stay put. tomorrow will bring more time on the road, more time to practice breathing.

so if you come up behind a red van and it seems slow to pull away from the stop sign, be patient, it may be saving her some $$$ and time in the long run.

passing the torch

2009-02-25T11:55:00.002-06:00

Today as I was telling of our banner picture, thinking of the season of joy its creation was filled with I realized it was also a season of learning. We had struggled with process management of the waste system within the house and found a reasonable solution. It prepared us for a conversation that came about a few months later. I was able to quickly offer a viable solution.

Greater still was the joy in being able to send an emmissary of help to another state to help the other family with waste management struggles to install a solution device. We passed the torch of learning and solution. It would have been easy enough to not engage in conversation and dialogue aobut the learning curve we have journeyed upon. Rather we had and from that conversation help and heath transpired.

Kind of like life, we all have journeys of learning- some easily shared, some within our heart and soul, less openly revealed. There are times that we quickly reveal the experiences, other times with reluctance. I have found that rarely is an experience that leaves a lasting memory one that does not have value to be shared with others. At times it needs to be covered with prayer and sensitivity, other times laughter or hands one application is the venue of passign the torch. It is in the sharing that I find the pain of the initial experience is validated and expanded to worth.

Funny how often God has used the humble things to reveal wisdom. Once it was clogged pipes to speak to my heart about my stubborn pride. Septic gas to reflect my aroma. Sometimes it is watching nature or the way of children. Other times it is the experience of another to remind me of how my past reflects that which I would be quick to criticize, forgetting my own nature.

I am thankful for lessons that stay and can be passed on to others.

Why am I always surprised?

2009-02-24T13:41:00.003-06:00

Why am I always surprised when God answers a prayer? When what we hope for comes into being? when it comes back as good news rather than difficulty ahead?

This morning I received a call from my sister in law with the great news of the sucessful surgery on a family member. What could have been majorly invasive and dibiltating was a fairly routine procedure and limited - ectomy. What could have been cancer was benign. What could have been crisis is no longer, rather a recovery. In all this I rejoice. I had not realized the weight of my concern until it was gone and the lightness within.

I am thankful for the good report, for the recovery without further procedures, for the hopes being given life. I am thankful that God was merciful in this unknown situation. I am renewed in my faith that God answers prayers and He cares for those I care for.

I like surprises, and I will continue to take them and enjoy the joyfulness that come with them!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Following a command

2009-02-21T17:37:00.006-06:00

Today we put into practice a command of Jesus- love one another. It felt good.

In December we read in the paper about the tent village under the highway. folks had gone to visit to give away personal care items and clothing, many were enjoyed but many not taken as the folks wanted to leave the items for others in greater need. It was a quick view into the life of those less fortunate, those living on the margins of society. A few words of the whole article struck me. Firewood is a great need and hard to get.

Those words planted a seed. My husband LOVES to cut wood. Recently he asked about the freedom to cut wood in a nearby lot where trees have been downed and have remained. He was granted it and so he has joyfully started a new Saturday morning activity with the boys (whose joy does not quite match his), they cut wood, load the truck and unload. The past two weeks we have stocked our woodpile as we have begun to enjoy a fire in the fireplace.

Today the recipient was to be the homeless. We werent sure where they lived but we called the mission and prayed. The family worked together to cut and load the truck and off we went. A few wrong turns and we arrived at the tent village. Only a few folks were home amidst a dozen or more tent sites. Most had more than one tent in their area, all had a bit of wood alongside their burnbarrel.

Larry and Tracy were the couple we met. They helped to unload the wood, thankful for the bounty of it. The wood we saw when we arrived still had some leaves attached. She spoke of it bubbling when put in the barrel. Larry added a few sticks to the ashes they had going and was amazed at the heat it threw off and the rapidity of it catching. It is suppose to be cold tonight. They will be less cold.

They shared how they once had a service business- lawns, gutters, painting, then hard times fell and they are now there. Folks like us, living life, making do. We shared life for a few minutes, maybe the beginning of a relationship? maybe not? just following a command, turning a thought into action, logs into love, meeting a need, making homeless folks no longer faceless or nameless.

A good day, fresh air, perspective and a sense of an accomplished goal met. Larry and Tracy will have a bit more heat to keep them warm as the cool weather moves in. love in action- give it a try.

Ebeneezer Stones

2009-02-15T20:52:00.004-06:00

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying , "Thus far has the Lord helped us."
1 Sam 7:12

(Ebenezer means stone of help)

Have you ever had something really cool happen that you want to remember because it was a significant event?? We have had several times where God has done somethingin our lives that we knew beyond any doubt was His hand. We have enjoyed relationships that He has provided. Each occurance of His movement in our life has been worth a stone!

For years a friend of mine would speak about Ebenezers- stones of remembrance. She spoke of labeling stones to help us remember what God has done in the midst of our life's journey. It was spoken of yet we did not act. Then one day I was in the garden section of a store and there was a bag of polished stones. So we began our pile of Ebenezer stones.

First we tried writing with permanent marker, yet over time the print rubbed off. On to paint markers- they worked well and stayed even after handling. We began with a reviewing of what God had done in our lives, things that stood out in our memory. Each season has its own color in my bowl of stones, and each season has its own sweet memories. Lets look at a few....

Sunday Bagels- we lived in the city and every week we'd walk around the corner and get fresh bagels and enjoy them as a family hot and delightful- bonding us in the midst of a season of tight living. reliving memories from my childhood and giving my kids sweet memories in the midst of change.

Mom F Mozambique/ Atlanta - God took my mom across the world and back on a missions trip, in the midst of it, preparing her for a week delay in Atlanta and using this dear, sweet white haired woman to minister to a lady who was in jail there. A post 911 homeland security glitch that followed past abortion clinic protests that brought her life to intersect with another. He protected her belongings and was her peace in the midst of the delay.

new roof- read my past blogs for more details- God was seen in the wisdom of siders, the honor of roofers and the delightful provision of a new roof as correction was made to past errors- when many roofing companies do not call back when called.

Rusty- the car- when we moved to NY in 2000 we were in an accident in the midst of the move. My sister had a car that she was willing to sell us for $1000 and it ran the entire year we were in need of it and then we were able to recoup our cost. Rusty- the faithful car that was a God provision in the midst of our need.

Dedons- while in NY we were house hunting. The Dedons were the couple who were our agents. The couple who spent hours and hours with us looking. Who twice told us "sellers never do this" and graciously walked with us as we took those words as closed doors and walked away from potential houses. When we were FSBO gave us wisdom and support in the midst of selling the house they helped us to buy. God's provision for honorable realtors in the midst of an uncertain time and occupation.

First Church- our present home for worship. While in NC I heard from Paul that Scott, our pastor from Tenn, was there. God whispered in my ear "got you covered honey". And so we did not hunt for a church but settled here. Not always perfect, none are, but where God has placed us and planted us.

job at GE- when Paul was retiring from the Army he started to look for a job. A friend I knew from Germany PWOC was living near where we once did, no longer in the Army. I spoke to Leslie about post Army life. She talked with her husband. He asked for Paul's resume- and so the story of Paul's job at GE began. When we left the area in the 80's we never expected to ever be able to work for GE- yet in the 2001 season of life he worked there and grew in understanding of many things that have shaped into the man he is today.

the Rogers- while in NY we were blessed with many relationships. The Rogers are among the dearest- a young couple who shared life and faith with us. God's provision for friendship and family in the midst of body life.

polyp- ahhh the foolishness of the land of denial. I lived there from 1992-1993 and then it was time to leave. A few days after my son was born I was suddenly rushed out of denial as I reentered the hospital via the ER with a need for surgery and the fear of cancer looming. God in his graciousness had answered my prayer to face whatever was going on inside of me. He provided a christian surgeon to pray with us, a young couple with 3 kids, one who was still in the nursery at the hospital. He provided care for the family, a renewed sense of the love of a body after pain from past wounds. He allowed the polyp to not be cancerous though the surgeon deemed it the largest he'd ever seen. God spared my life, and I am so grateful for His love and provision in the midst of my own stupidity.

I can go on and on, but I will spare you all my stones... two more, hmm where shall my hand fall...

Herdas- neighbors and friends. We delight in relationships with folks of all ages. These folks are special as they have wisdom of time that we dont have. They are a double blessing as they bless our son as well- they employ him as a helper. I enjoy our visits and the sharing of life that they give to us. I delight that my children get to interact with "grand"people who have lived much life- as their grandparents are not closeby.

Feltwell RX NY- when we lived in NY - Ft Drumm we had neighbors who were in the medical field. For me that was a blessing as I cut my finger deeply one night- we were new and I did not know what to do, Paul was away, young kids in the house. He came and checked it out and gave me guidance. Stitches were in order. They cared for the kids until Paul got home. Later during our stay my sister, home from china, hurt her leg. Her insurance was good everywhere, but USA. He cared for her so she was on the way to mending as she returned to China. God's provision.

And so the stories are for each stones, just a few words to triggere a memory, a provision, a blessing ,a relationship. When life is overwhelming and faith is looking hopeless I can walk back in time over the stones of our days and remember how God provided people, stuff, life and be reminded that He is still God and He hasnt left me and forgotten about me, rather I am reminded to call out to Him.

So, if you have sweet memories and provisons that you'd love to share and remember pick up a bag of flat stones in the craft shop, get a paint marker and get busy... what joy it is to remember and to share our faith with others when they ask about your bowl of stones.

Thanks KP for the great idea.... my life is richer for it, as is my faith enriched by it.

one last memory-

Salad, sewage and sin- a difficult lesson for me in TN- amidst a small "rebellion" I was found out and God revealed bigger rebellion of my heart. I had been instructed to not use the garbage disposal often. I oopsed bigtime and stuffed some salad down. It was CLOGGED- as in cut pipes in the basement clogged!!!! As we smelled the stench of sewage gas and I cleaned out the pipe God revealed to me the state of my heart- stinky and clogged. OuCH! my sin - I had been running from it, again in "denial" and He intersected with my life to humble me and clean me out just as the pipes were cleaned out that day. The start of a major cleaning that has been the base for glorious new beginnings.

God is my every present help... of all my needs.... desires.... and life!

what are your Ebenezers? How has God shown Himself in your life? Enjoy the memories and know that they will grow in number over time.

Bill and Sharon
God sells house
Keith vists
brokeness
memories with Big Grandma
Krista h plant sitter
Mitre job
chord wood gone
Perez
Shallbetter
Gloria
Sam's seizures
swimming pool
ICU
Ed S- NY helper
Toyota Camry
phone #xxx-2417
NY-NC

What a helping God he is!

Reading the Word

2009-02-15T20:23:00.004-06:00

Last week as I was brainstorming with my bear about a class he would lead I remembered an event that I attended in North Carolina. It was a day of reading the Word of God with several fellow believers. What was different about that day was that we read books of the Bible, corporately and chronologically, out loud.

The morning started with prayer and a bit of organization of how many verses each would read in turn and then when we as a group would jointly read. What joy it was for all the pieces of a gospel to be put into order and connect. Slowly around the room, one after another each of us would stand and read aloud 6-10 verses and then on to the next person and verses. We all read along quietly, allowing the gospel story and message to sink in. Every few chapters all in the room would stand and in unison we'd read together.

By lunch time we had finished a gospel and were on our way through an epistle. As we sat under the Word we found the stories of Jesus's birth, life and travels connecting. What once seemed like individual stories were now part of the bigger picture. God's story. The same was found true when we read through an epistle- instructions for the early church now were not snippets of information but a letter to a group of believers facing struggles even as we do.

This past week we chose to lead the group in a read through the epistle to the Ephesians. It was a first for most in the room. As we read through the book we found common focus and the application of this book to our lives. This was a letter for building up the body, we are a body in the midst of learning to grow up and disciple others. For some it was a first to see where some of the messages from Paul were located. Many shared a verse or two that struck them. My verse was Eph 5:10 "and find out what pleases God" .

Hmmm, "find out what pleases God", part of me assumes I know what pleases God but part of me wonders how much I don't know. this verse challenged me to take time to investigate, meditate adn contemplate- lots of ating to go on :) . I have in the past asked the Lord to help my heart weep over what makes His heart weep, helping me to be tender to what touches His heart. In the same wayI am now thinking a bit about what pleases God. I expect some of what pleases Him is not what I am accustom to doing, so there may be some changes ahead.

Another stretch I experienced that day was reading the Word aloud. In the afternoon I did it at home, in preparation for the class. Then corporately, with classmates. It was interesting to hear a few speak of how they often read aloud- getting the Word through the ear and eye gate. One gentleman spoke of being hoarse from his reading earlier in the day. That has encouraged me, his testimony of his quiet time with the Lord that isnt so quiet, but I am quite sure quite contemplative.

So, next time you pick up the Word of God, try something new- read a book. The whole book, in one sitting, and out loud. You may find that some of the dots of the pages connect. Some of the stories are richer if there is a tale told in many stages. If its a letter you may well come away with a more complete view of the writers intent. At first it may well seem odd to read aloud, but if you are like me, its just a matter of getting over self awareness and remembering to whom you are reading and the delight that the Father will gain in you reading back to Him his love story to you.

Any thoughts? please share, until then enjoy a good read. I am thinking its time to spend a bit more time in Ephesians- try out a few versions and let it really soak into my heart. I continue to seek out what pleases God.

Mothering

2009-02-12T19:55:00.002-06:00

Mothering

The real truth about mothering is that it is the hardest job you will ever do,

and that you are probably less prepared for it than you were for your learner’s permit….

mothering is also the most costly investment you will ever make,

for it involves giving yourself lavishly for others,

filling in the deep wells of self-centeredness in your life with acts of kindness, care, maintenance, and love."

You will arrive, as every other mother before you,

at the end of your own adequacy.

When you find yourself needing your Heavenly Father every moment,

even as you are needed by your children,

you will be exactly where God wants you.”

Virelle Kidder

This is one of my all time favorite quotes. I shared it tonight with a new friend amidst conversation about dependency. I thought back to what has influenced my pespective and this wonderful quote of wisdom is what came to mind. I realized that I have not posted it here, and thought that I should as it has been a shaping factor in how I look at mothering, and how I have endured the challenges that have come my way amidst the journey.

each day brings new joys and challenges. Never do I know what the day will hold. Mostly it is joy- like the days I hear my 16yr old son who stands taller than I say "Mommy" and whine in hopes of getting his own way, knowing he won't. what a delight compared to the battles of the will / or will he nots that have occurred. Far too infrequently do i remember to go to the lighter tone and funny way of looking at his teenage demensia rather than my typical parental myopia. When my brain actually opperates well and I laughingly respond we are able to negotate the hormonal powerstruggle highway with more grace and come out with grins, or at least some churckles.

Todays delight was in watching my youngest instruct and share a game with the neighbor girls on the trampoline. They delighted in his participation and the power of his bounce to "break the egg". To see them all share life and joy together, what a delight. He has not been around many younger, so it is a opportunity for growth and grace as he often finds it awkward, yet today he did it well.

It was a delight to see my eldest helping a friend with an electrical need. I arrived home to an extra vehicle in the drive and they were working on a faulty something in a guitar. what a blessing to see your children living beyond themselves and giving away their skills to help another. My daughter is off volunteering tonight for a dinner for ??? but it involves dressing up and hopefully connecting with some likeminded gals and reaquainting with some she has not seen in a while. I delight in the thought of what that will do for her relational bank account that has run low in deposits.

Mothering, a joy and delight, a giving of self and a laying down before the Lord, entrusting them and the path ahead into His tender care. Not easy, often times seemingly impossible yet once done His peace walks beside and cares for and reassures you of the truth that He cares far more and loves far more than we ever could.

Blesssings to you mothers who are on the journey this day.

The only constant is change

2009-01-29T07:02:00.003-06:00

New years bring many thoughts of resolutions and changes in behavior. Sometimes we do well, sometimes we quickly fall into old habits that are so imbedded that they seem to be part of our nature. So also our routines and habits can be hard to break or shift. We get comfortable in our routine and the way we spend our time. We think we want to change, yet the cost of the shirt seems greater than the desire.

This month has seen a good deal of change in our household. One son off to school for the first time- from a class of 2 to over 2,000. Another it is a shift in classes and work week and now a three day weekend- yipee except it is consumed with studying. Our daughter has quickly found herself in the midst of adult life with a full time job- complete with questionable heating conditions and car having funny noises. today is my turn for a bit of change. I have been enjoying the extra free time that comes with only one student and no co-op. That ends today as co-op begins again.

And though I am teaching the same class topic one of the classes has rotated off and I will receive a new group of students. Change. It will be fun to share drawing basics with them, to help them to see the world in a few basic line categories and get them thinking that if they look carefully they will be able to draw what they see. It will be fun to reconnect with the class I had last semester, to hear of their holiday break and see what they drew over the break. It will be nice to greet and share life with the mom's who are back and the new moms.

Our life has had a few others shifts. We are now attending a leadership training class on Wednesday nights. It means eating a bit earlier, or leaving a bit earlier to join in the community meal that is available at church. It means an hour of downtiime for the kids as the parents learn. It means we have homework and live a bit more deliberately in our days to allow for the added class.

The most joyous change for us is that we are to begin a small group this week. We have long hoped for an anticipated the start of small groups in our church. We came expectant and waited patiently and not so patiently for small groups to begin. This week we meet the other "groupies" and start to share lives and study time togeteher. We hope that it will be as most other small groups we have been in have been- enriching and encouraging. We have friends from past groups still... they help fill the gap that living away from family makes. It makes walking on this foreign soil not so foreign.

So, on this gray and blue January day, a day like many January day I await the change that is before me with expectatiion and understanding... change is here, will come and go and be a constant in my life. As my friend Wendy once told me... run toward the goal you'll get there faster.... I am joyously moving toward the change today to see what the new normal will become!

Quilting bug bit me

2009-01-20T06:20:00.003-06:00

These are a few of my favorite things... reading, mushy movies and quilting. Of recent they have all been tied together. Over christmas break I took over the upstairs hall way to plan and construct a quilt. I stapled cloth on the wall and moved and pinned pieces until they were right. By the end of break I had finished the quilt top- almost twin size- my largest one in recent years. I had leftover squares so I went on and made a lap quilt and then casting my eye on other leftover fabric cut and sewed until a few more quilts of various sizes had been created. The movie time came as I sewed the binding on by hand- finishing my "hand made" creation.

I have realized that it is the individuality of quilts that is so delightful. I am too hyper to totally stitch by hand, but I hand cut, hand piece, hand guide the cloth through the machine and then hand guide it again to machine quilt. Most of the time I hand stitch the last of the binding on to finish the quilt. Each one is covered with love and prayer for the intended as I sew, sew, sew. That is not something you can get from China!

So the quilt bug has hit. I am savoring my free time to cut and assemble quilts... not content until the top is quilted to the backing and the binding its on. I have had conversations with gals about what colors delightt them. We have enjoyed dreaming together and planning a blessing for a loved one as we think of fabric and rooms that will be brightened by a wall quilt. I am jazzed as I think of the joy that will come as folks gaze on the beauty of color and and design. I have begun to see art in the quilts. I see personality start to come through. I see them as personal if allowed to be.

A relative saw my quilt pictures on facebook and so we planned a quilt wall hanging together. Her daughter admired and she too was in my thoughts when fabric jumped out at me. Presently one small quilt is done, another awaits time under the machine for quilting. I have put lots of thought into the quilt for my MIL, as she is a light color person , where I enjoy variety. When it was time to choose paint she suggested lavender, I went for taupe or burgundy. Contrast yet we have commonality. Yesterday I found her focus fabric- sky with butterflies and vines. lots of color, many of her liking an a few of mine- great for log cabin design. Most of all it will be filled with love and thoughts of her as I cut and create.

My goal amidst my quilt fever is to not accumulate tons of scraps, but rather to use up as I go and keep moving on to new projects and trying new colors and patterns. This past month I have continued on that vein. As I hit the MLK sale at Hancock's yesterday, looking at fabric, I renewed my resolve that I will not use fabrick I dont' like.

My thinking is this- if I dont like it I wont want to work with it, and I wont enjoy the time of creation. Quilting, for me is a joy and recreation, so I can choose to be a bit picky about what I do. So I wont compromise and use colors that really dont belong together. The batik that I rescued from a daughters failed project that was perfect colors for "snot rags" will not be making an appearance in my quilts as I just dont like the colors enough to work with them. It is worth waiting for the right fabric rather than devote time and $$ to something in a rush and then dislike the outcome because of color or quality being off. Hmmm, I guess amidst my hyperactivity I am a wee bit of a quilt snob wanting quality not just quantity.

I think my quilting frenzy will last a few more months, then spring will come and outdoors I will head. So I have lined up my projects for others and myself for a little while and the window is closed at present for anything else new. My brain is full and a bit weary. Hmmm, maybe I am a bit overdoing it????? Maybe its time to find a chick flick, some hand stitching or not and veg on the couch as I contemplate life with my feet up!

Never Enough Time

2009-01-15T18:12:00.002-06:00

We all get the same amount of time yet for some it is too much in a day, for others there seems to be never enough. Strange how the same allotment can vary so much. Some days I find the hours drag, other days I am stretched to do all I desire.

As I looked over my blog this evening I realized that I have been drawn away from writing by the instant fun of facebook. We have found it a place to reconnect with friends from as far back as high school and as recent as the neighbor across the street. Daily it draws us in to see what is happening in the lives of our friends and relatives as well as check on recent pics that are posted.

Another time sucker for me is my quilting projects. I am having fun mixing colors and fabrics and creating blessings for some of the gals in my family. What fun to plan a surprise or conspire with them as they share favorite colors and activites. Sometimes I have to imagine what will delight, other times I realize that for a neglected loved one, the blessing of something made for them alone is such a rare treat that it will bless just by being given. So, my spare minutes are being used in the sewing room with great joy.

All that to say I have been neglecting my writing. My daughter drew my attention back to my blog with the encouragement to update the status of life here, as it has changed. She is finding life a bit different these days as she is now gainfully employed full time. It was a God job- one He arranged the connections and conversations and timing on.

Just as folks were heading back to school and she was finding time heavy on her hands she was called, interviewed and hired. At present it is a month project, yet we wonder if more may follow. She is getting a taste of the business world and working at a job that is not of a favorite occupation, yet pays $$ and gives good skills background. So, she is earning college $$ and learning about life in a different direction. Some days I am sure she wishes for the leisure of home, yet soon enough she'd be wishing for something to fill her days.... so on she types, and sorts and files and enters the adult world ranks.

So, any readers who stop in now and again, sorry for the neglect. The words within are piling up and facebook isnt quite the forum for reflection that toneylife provides so I will be working on time management skills within.

New life in the New Year

2009-01-05T14:53:00.005-06:00

Firsts for the first month of the year

first semester our oldest will have Fridays off
first semester my daughter is not in school and now working full time for the first time
first semester that my son will be in school outside of our house
first semester that the youngest is the only student at home

We find ourself, again in the midst of change. The cheese continues to move. Hmmm, maybe I should just give up eating cheese, might simplify my life and save the budget a bit. Oh if it were only so simple. Life brings change, movement and growth.

My neighbor encouraged me this weekend with his words "Let him go" as in , let your son grow up. learn and stop mothering. A tough challenge for this mom who so enjoys mothering- yet sage advice that keeps reaching my ear and heart. I keep finding myself in the midst of "mothering" or about to and more and more catching myself before speaking mothering words. A tough thing to stand by and allow children the space to test the waters of life, tread water a bit and find their stride to keep them afloat. They know we are standing ready for them, our hearts long for them to suceed well, but it means letting go and letting them "risk" and strive even as we do a child learnign to walk.

So this semester as some find new routines, new locations and new situations there is also newness for me. Perhaps a few more hours to fill in the middle of the day, perhaps new focus on lessons for the youngest or perhaps another season of passing the baton to my young lady in the making... who knows what lies ahead. I do know that this journey in the maze, chasing the cheese has one constant.... change.

Hmm... the smoked cheddar sure smells good, time to find the crackers and follow the scent.

Joy in quilting

2008-12-31T18:42:00.003-06:00

For many years I would speak of how I wanted to quilt but... it was not the season. A few years ago I entered the season where time allowed me room to begin to quilt. It was a slow beginning, but a blessed one as my friend Laura instilled in me many details and techniques to help me learn precision- a key ingredient in quilting. Precision is not my natural bent so I am always having to slow myself down and check and double check my work. My first wall quilt took over a year to complete as I only worked on it with my friend. After I moved I then managed to finish it alone. Since then I have tried a few new patterns and projects.

This past week, being a quiet holiday week I took up my quilting tools again. I finished a rather large wall quilt- for my stairway. It is almost a twin size, not quite, but almost- my largest project to date. With leftover fabric I pieced a small lap quilt and a smaller mis-mash wall quilt. Today I "quilted" the two smaller quilts, using my new quilting table that attaches to my sewing machine. It was a gift from my bear for my birthday and was kind of a whim desire for me, to venture into unknown, but after todays usage I am so pleased to have it. The space for me to elevate the fabric to be quilted is much larger than with just the sewing machine alone. It made it easier to plan the quilting path and manage the fabric in movement. I am sold.

It is exciting to me to see a quilt come together. From the pull of a fabric color and design then the adding of complementary patterns and shades to the planning and cutting. Next its on to sewing, trimming, pressing and trimming and soon it is a quilt top. Now I am realizing the joy of machine quilting and the completion of gifts and decorations and blessings to be shared with others.

So, as I venture into this new season it is with a joy in creating. I am learning to use the fabric to its fullest- "scraps" turn into more blocks and spare blocks now turned into trivets and potholders adorn my kitchen. I am excited about what I am in the midst of and what lies ahead. yeah for new seasons of life! yeah for colors and designs and the creative nature that God built into us that comes out in so many expressive ways.

character growth through life

2008-12-24T09:04:00.004-06:00

The past few weeks have been interesting at our house. Unexpectedly we were thrown back into the world of stress from unexpected and unwanted home repairs. I know that if you have followed our toneylife story you are saying we should expect them, yet, me being the eternal optimist, I dont. All that to say, we found ourselves again n the midst of changes and upgrades and repairs.

We have all rejoiced in the toilet upgrades that occured last week after the previous one did not do its duty and Dad had enough. there is joy in knowing that we shall soon pack away the plungers and flush without thought. We have come to appreciate the simple act of turning on the hotwater knob on the sink or shower, as for now ours is not working. Yet, even in that I have learned that perseverence has its benefits. We have had ongoing communication with the home warranty folks and finally see some resolution in the works- yeah!

I have weathered the new series of leaks with mixed response. At this point I think I am in resignation phase- as there is nothing to be done until something is done. I had a phone call that made me wonder what would occur and then another call brought word that the chimney will be reflashed- properly and I believe that will solve the present leak issue. When asked I am honest in sharing my weariness yet also understanding that it is not an issue that can be solved when it is cold or wet as the pitch is steep.

It has been a month of trial, for this patient weary soul. I dont feel that I have weathered all of the storm well- as i have cried on the phone in frustration more than i ever want to- which is never. yet maybe the folks on the other end needed to hear the tears???

I have gained insight that it is easy to be outside a situation and not ever get the depth of the struggle that is occuring within the folks in the situation. I never fully understood the challenge of being without hotwater until ours was not readily available. a slide show at church helped me to realize that having running water at home is a blessing so my perspective has shifted to gratitude for clean running water.

FPS and me- NOT!!!

2008-12-21T21:44:00.003-06:00

Tonight I attempted something new. A few days ago my bear stated that the kids would love for me to join them in their favorite FPS game- Call of Duty 1. I thought about it and decided that maybe I would give it a try sometime. Tonight I was again invited to join in and so I chose to do a new thing.

My dear husband set me up for sucess- the game was set up on the computer, headphones and instructions given and so I sat down to battle it out. First, I realized that thanks to my bifocals I needed distance so my eyes didn't go totally wacky so I backed away from the screen. I found that there is alot to do all at the same time, lots to see and lots of movement to consider.

I laughed until I cried as I messed up again and again as I attempted to move and play. Slowly I started to move with the buttons rather than try to turn around by turning the mouse in circles. I found my hands switching weapons with the roll of the mouse dial, too quickly to use one before I found that I was holding what i didnt mean to have. Slowly i wandered the landscape and started to run and shoot at things but i kept finding that there were men down, and as I passed i did not want to look. From the headphones I found noise of battle began and again i found it was not something I wanted to hear as it evoked thoughts of war and battle.

Sgt. Klutzo came along and "rescued" me and helped me to begin battling for real- well kind of. I died several deaths and was too quickly revived with touch of a button. Yet I found that it was overwhelming, too much action, movement, too much reality in the midst of "play". My soft emotional heart found it too hard to seperate the reality of violence, death and shooting from the thought of real people and the reality of such action in real. I found my self laughing as I made mistakes but soon the laughter turning to tears. too much, too real, my soft tender heart could not play well, try though I did.

My bear was gentle and saw that it was too much. we laughed and hugged and I left Sgt Klutzo in charge of my battlefield as I sought out a safe happy place. I gained a few brownie points for trying and they gained laughter from my attempt to join their world.

I came away with the reality that FPS is not for me. That I am not wired for such activity and probably never would be. I am woman, I am soft and gentle, and bugs are my limit for death. Mice and small animals I avoid when found dead, calling upon children to care for them post mortem.

Men seem to be wired for FPS- must be the conquerer in them, the protective warrior that rises up. I am thankful for that protection and care, I am thankful for the way guys are wired. I am thankful that I have permission to not be tough and warrior like. I am thankful for the experience and the awareness of a limit.

water, water and more water

2008-12-15T06:41:00.003-06:00

We finished October with a sigh, the house work was done and we had a sense that we could settle in to a season of rest. Ahhh, it was nice to walk through November with ease and only some unpainted drywall calling to me for attention.

That changed two Fridays ago. As I returned home from a day away I noticed a wet spot on a package below the water heater. Drip, drip, drip. Hmmm?? After surveying the hot water heater it was found to indeed have a leak- not common for a tankless hotwater heater. Home warrantee company called and end result is a new one is being shipped from CA to be swapped out. Yet the requirement to upgrade propane gas line came with the "gift". We have now completed that requirement and are awaiting the return of the plumber. Life here now means twice a day we turn on the water to the heater, fire it up, shower and do dishes and then shut it all off until the evening. We are thankful to have found a way to use it amidst its problems.

Following the hot water heater we had some fair days of weather and then a roof testing blustery windy rain storm. Hope was the roof would sail through it without our attention. Not to be, yet the seepage seems to be in the areas of caulking and flashing, not shingles. The first visit took care of the poor caulk around the roof mounted satelitte dish- yes someone (us) still has a monster dish - and we use it! Terry also properly reseated the exaust stack over the hotwater heater that had been moved for the reroofing. Another good seal it appears. The worst leak- as in streams of water down the wall, is in the boys room. The wall has turned black in one place which makes us think that it had been moist for a while. Terry tried one locations, but moisture came back. He was out again on Saturday to try again at stemming the leak.

I am told that roof leaks are common. that many people experience them. I believe that to be true, yet find it hard to fully accept that it is common to experience so many over and over again as we have. I have become a bit "gun shy" maybe even a bit fearful, or maybe just weary. As I spoke to the owner of the company he mentioned that he knew I was worried about my walls. I corrected him to say, not I am more weary. Tired of having to call, wait and hope that the water will stay out. Tired of looking at dark spots on the ceiling that will need to be repaired. Now as I look at the boys room there is enough damage that at least one piece of drywall will need replacement. The roofing company may pay for it, they might not- I am not sure. Until the leak is stopped I will wait and hope.

So water, water and more water has been involved in consuming time and energy in our lives. Saturday we had the revelation that the upstairs shower pressure was greatly diminshed. My dear husband, who is even wearier than I began to seek answer- hoping to not spend more $$ as the gas plumbers were there working and that was enough for one day. He found several large mineral deposits, but still not the pressure needed. He disassembled and reassembeled in multiple ways the pressure regulator and valve. I visited the water turn off multiple times. Finally from the depths he found and removed something that caused the obstruction and the pressure is back. A day spent on water again.

Throughout all these activities and interactions we try to be pleasant yet the strain comes through. I have been thinking about it a bit, wondering again what is to be learned and gained by all we have walked through with living here- no answers. I looked at a chart comparing discipline and pruning- based on John 15. I sense that this is a time of pruning in our lives. It is just hard as we feel like it is actually costing us time and energy rather than freeing up time and availability. Not sure what all is going on in the heavenlies, yet know that our lives are filtered through His hands.

So, we start a new week. It will be a rainy week. Another week for patience, or maybe a week of rejoicing. It may be a week to get hot water on demand, not twice a day. A week to see if the leaks have been stopped. A week to rejoice is stronger water flow in the shower again. Either way we are so very blessed. We have a house over our head, we have running water and the difficulties are being taken care of and resolved. Oh that we could keep perspective amidst what each day brings.

Things I love about my husband, a start anyway

2008-12-04T06:25:00.005-06:00

In recent months the buzz has been about the movie "Fireproof". I expect it is a great movie, we have yet to see it. I flipped through the book that is related to the it- the Love Dare in a bookstore while on vacation, but have yet to read it. Even just in the flipping of pages I began to understand the gist of paying attention to the spouse, being deliberate in our words and deeds and attitude, not asuming that the message of love was being understood without action.

This morning I thought about how often there are things we think about our husband or children that we don't take time to write down. How often do I or you speak of our love and delight as compared to the frustrations and disappointments? To that end I have begun a "what I love about my husband list"

Already it has been a blessing to me, to reflect upon the man who I have shared life with and continue to delight in doing say daily for the rest of our lives. Perhaps you will consider the loves of your life and the delight they are to you, and express it to them as well.

Things I love about my husband

he is funny
he loves God
he is a hard worker
he has a tender heart
he is hairy, furry, fuzzy and prickly
he likes his bedwarmer even when she isnt warm
he loves his woobies, year after year
he enjoys a good cup of coffee
he reads the daily paper
he can fix almost anything
he has become more than I could ever imagined he'd be 27 years ago
he is committed to us
he is planning our park bench to sit on when we get old
he loves nature
he feeds the birds
he is a manly, man and shoots squirrels
he buids with his hands
he is real people
he is computer smart
he surprises me with compassion towards his wayward when I am not compassionate
he pokes his prickly one
he enjoys soaking in the tub
he remembers lessons of life and is changed by them
he appreciates little things
he is willing to serve his country
he is generous with his time, talents and blessings
he likes to mow the lawn and cut down trees
he has rough hands, workers hands though he has a desk job these days
he has great lips
he prays with me
he prays for his kids
he worries when any of us are sick or ill
he snuggles well
he wears jeans and flannel shirts
he likes the muppets
he indulges his kids, even though he was not indulged as a child
he is stubborn
he is silly
he is a dad
he is mine!
he is responsible
he is respected by his coworkers
he is loyal
he has brown eyes
he still has his teddybear from childhood
he takes yearly pictures with each child on their birthday
he likes to camp
he builds campfires
he smokes turkey in the woods, giving us an new thanksgivign tradition
he leaves the woods in compassion towards a sick wife
he keeps his work phone in the bathroom, not our bedroom
he calls me before heading home, in case I need anything
he loves me
we have shared 27 + years together as friends, we share life history
he has blessed me with world travel
he has cared for me well
he has always provided for my needs
he helps me with my gardening
he lets me be hyper and loves me when I am worn out
he has weathered the "money pit" storm waves
he drives a diesel truck
he wears work boots
he rides a motorcycle
he loves my family
he has a twin brother

Thanksgiving in the woods

2008-11-29T18:45:00.003-06:00

We have returned from a trip to the woods. On Wednesday we headed across the county and up to the top of a mountain to camp. I was glad to see the temperatures rising as Thanksgiving draw near. Yet as the dusk came so did coolness. It gets dark early these days so by 5:15 we were happy for flashlights and lanterns.

As we huddled around the campfire it occurred to me that we were fairly close to Jones Valley- a shopping area that is about 30 miles from home but only a few miles from camp. Being homebodies we normally hibernate at home once we arrive there so often we might think of a movie but tend not to venture out. I presented the idea to Papa and after a quick hotdog dinner off to town we went. Not our normal camp activity but just right for that cool evening, made me feel like we were tourists or on vacation. The laughter and fun of the movie Bolt proved to be a good start to our time in the woods.

Thanksgiving day began early at camp- by 6 am we were stuffing Tom the turkey into the smoker and cranking th heat up to get him smoking. Throughout the day he was checked, new wood added and he continued to smoke. It was a leisure day of walks and knitting and visiting as we slowly prepped for the soon to arrive visitors. We had invited neighbors and friends.

Around noon they began to arrive and we began to put finishing touches on the meal. As the gathering grew we handed out treasure hunt lists and teams scattered to find items of interest and creativity. After our dinner the judging began and it was fun to see what was collected and how creative some folks had been. We had parts of a dead skunk, a dead snake and a flattened, dehydrated frog with price tag all presented for a category. Where items were not to be found the pens and paper came into use as they were written out or illustrated.

Paul and I agreed that the moment that made all the work of the day so worthwhile was seeing our neighbor and her daughter (19) chasing a salamander, dancing in the leaves and smiling like little kids. It was a delight to share the day with them as "dad" is away in Iraq and having walked that path we know how hard such holidays can be.

The meal was enjoyed with words of what we are thankful for and thanks given to God for the many blessings and joys He has allowed in our lives. It was a blessing to share the day with several families with diverse traditons yet all enjoying the natural setting and the woodsmoke that warmed us

Thanksgiving in the woods is a bit different, but having gone to the woods for 3 or 4 years now i believe it is also addictive. To be surrounded by nature, away from electronic distractions and touching a bit of the pilgrim lifestyle brings out an appreciation for modern life and the beauty of the world has created for us.

Refurbishing the throne room

2008-11-15T15:44:00.003-06:00

Today has been a day of changed plans and activity. We hoped to rake leaves but the blessed rain of last night changed that plan. Then as we were planning trips to town the word "bookstore" came up and the middle two clammored to go with us so off we went on a multi stop shopping trip.

Years ago Saturday morning shopping was the norm, but its been years. Years ago having the family all around was also the norm. I have forgotten what it is like to have 3 kids hanging about as I make decisions. Kind of crazy, kind of fun. Many of them went off on the coupon run- finding the coupon item as I did the other items. We survived and Dad endured the teasing and poking of many fingers. Memories were made, one child even suggested it should be repeated every few months.

The main purchase of the day was a new throne to reign upon in the kitchen bath. The main dancers are tired of dancing with the throne room sceptor, so the research team came up with a replacement and it was procured today. Not to miss an opportunity to share "life skill points" with any of the prodigy the princess was tapped for the job. She and the Burgmister have since been engaged in the process of removal and replacement.

Yet, not to miss out on the fun the elder princes took possession of the old throne and used it as a base for some creative photography. It has been a while since a family picture and depending upon the outcome of todays endevor it may be awhile again. yet in the midst of it all came laughter and creativity as the kinder bonded under their originality and quirky use of porcelin.

As the sun prepares to set I find myself filled with the sweetness of the day, time with children of all ages, life shared with my bear and normal tasks but made richer by the company of the day. The throne room is being restored to normal with delight in knowing that dances should no longer be held before the new throne off the kitchen. Soon we hope to shut down the master dance room and the upstairs dance hall.

The moral of the story is when building a house spend the extra for a better functioning throne!

living with the clothing clueless

2008-11-07T20:03:00.009-06:00

We started our life together years ago with a life in the military, as such our closet was filled with uniforms, church clothes and a few other shirts and pants. The daily choice was dress uniform or BDUs', not really choices as they had set choices preselected by the powers that be.

Fast forward to 2007, the Mr is now working in midlevel management. The "uniform" has changed to business casual or a business suit or on Fridays casual attire. Though truth be known he tends to side on the casual side more than not, as I married a man who favors jeans and flannel shirts. He loves to dress down on the weekends. He longs for the "wooby" (lined flannel shirt that has been broken in) of 20 years ago. It has disappeared so the favorite is the 10yr old version. Nice.

On any given workday morning our darkened bedroom is interesting.
me- "what are you wearing"
him- "the greenish pants and the red kind of shirt"
me- "let me turn on the light" click "no, they don't really go."
him"why not"
me "the pants are casual, the shirt is not"
him "oh, well pick something out for me"

And so it went at first. Then I bought hangers and color coded the pants and shirts on matching kind of hangers. That worked ok. I then got out the paint chip charts and created a matching chart. The chart shows possible pant colors and possible shirt colors that co-ordinate. Oh to have adult gerr-animals that we had as kids- all the cats match, all the horses match. My color chip chart is the closest I could come up with easily.

Recently after a few weeks of "that isn't a casual shirt, its a dress shirt" mornings I got smart. I pulled out the label maker and have added a new feature to the closet for the clueless. He now has labeled sections in his part of the closet- casual shirts, pants (cargo pants), dress pants and dress shirts. Ahh, I think we have the solution here.

** For the record my dear husband tries really hard, its just that he has a learning gap here. Just as I have one for computers- I can use them and figure some of it out, but need lots of tutorials, his is a visual thing when it comes to clothes, colors and textures. He lovingly remembers the days of ease- the days of uniforms and few choices beyond clean or worn before pants and shirts as they all looked alike. So, I am thankful for the visual eye that I was born with and the bit of fashion sense I have gleaned over time. It has been fun to find creative ways to make something that was listed among his "hardest things in his life" to be a bit easier for him. Another way to be a "helpmeet" for my bear!

falling like flies

2008-11-03T05:54:00.003-06:00

A few weeks ago my husband came home with the news that another couple we know are taking the path of least resistance- Divorce. In the past year it has felt like the couples around us are falling like flies. Different reasons, same reasons, reasons unknown- always something that spurs them to say "I'm done".

First came the couple we've known the longest from our military life. The call came after the D day occured, a tearful tale of infidelty, quick divorce and now a long time friend now leaving town and saying goodbye. She has managed to land on her feet in another state. Thankfully she has been provided well in the midst of it, and has turned to God in the midst of the pain. She is still very much in recovery but seeking God and finding solace there.

This past spring brought work related deaths of marriages. Boredom, too much separation, not enough connection, not really sure. But all of a sudden I found that my husband was surrounded by men who were no longer married to their wives- some happily, others tearfully yet the death occurred. And all so quickly it seemed. I spoke to one of the men, encouraging slowing down and breathing in the midst of the pain, but it all was too much- better quickly done than enduring the pain longer was the response.

We are not ignorant of marital strife, pain and mistakes. We have made our share of mistakes. Yet somehow in the midst of it all we have been stubborn enough to hold on and hang out and ride the wave of pain, the quell of quiet and slowly do the recovery work that comes with our own stupidity. Not easy, not fun, I dont like to admit it or visit it, but worth it all.

A few weeks ago as word came of another impeding split came my heart broke again. I wondered aloud to my husband if he would ask for a divorce if I came down with Alzheimers or was suddenly disabled and he'd have to scrap plans for the future as he desired it to be. That was my analogy of what was happening in the recent death scene- tired of what is, and as he looked at untold years ahead he wanted something different. As I came to grips with such thinking I thought of how life can change plans and we can make choices to change with or change commitments. Not easy to stay with early commitments, but marriage vows didn't ask for easy commitments.

So, as we continue down this path of matrimony, with all its joys and sorrows, all the laying down of our life, our wills and wants and timing. With the joys and high times, the memories and the normal days I think about what it is that I commited to.

" to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. "

Some days are better- we get along well, our words are sweet and kind and we enjoy each other. others are worse- we have few words and we dont like each other very much. silence or talk of the weather dominates our space. we dont agree and we dont want to be together.

We've had seasons of blessings- four children, sweet memories, abundance of things and peace.

We've had the "poor"- $35 paycheck and seasons of lots of beans and rice, debt and foolish spending and the drudgery of paying off our mistakes.

As for sickness and health , I've had seasons of being quite ill- once we looked at my life wondering how long it would last,I've sprawled on the lawn in great pain, he's had a bad back, and all the grumps that come with great enduring pain. We live with a child who has a health condition with an unknown quality about it.

We've had seasons of strength and we now find our bodies ache as we grow old together. Overall we think of health and we know that it is a blessing as we consider our life together

And then there is love- the part of the commitment that fills in the gaps and cracks-its characteristics so wonderful yet so hard at time to display

love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails

Cherish- to hold or treat as dear. to care for tenderly. to cling fondly to.

from this day forward until death do us part- wow! what a great reminder and time of reflection this has been. No wonder I delight in seeing older couples who have stayed the course, who have weathered the storm, who have allowed love to cover and cherishing to bind them together. what a delight to watch the ones who have soared and worked and struggles and commited. They too have known pain and heartache but somehow in the midst of the quiet days of pain they have chose to stick not hit and drop.

So, in this season as we watch others around us who have parted, and our heart breaks for their pain and choices we too have choices we make daily. will we believe lies about marriage? that it can't go the distance? that another will fill the gap within our heart and life? or will we review the commitment that was made when the love was fresh and the life ahead of us full of promise? will we choose to cherish for today, and today, and today? will we allow ourselves time to renew our heart if it has grown weary or cold toward our spouse? will we remind ourselves that the grass is green on the other side because its new growth but the same trials will come and the same lessons will have to be learned amidst life. Newness can come if we plant new seeds into our marriage today, and today, and today.

PS- I write this not in judgement of any kind, rather in reflection as I have found myself wondering who is next, and if we, after 25 years are likely to fall. I have long ago learned that I am but one step from any choice. I can honestly say that to see so many fall around me has rocked my world a bit, and I have had to remind myself of truth and from where my love comes. Even in writing this I have been reminded of the depth of my vows and how costly yet how dear they are. I continue to pray for the coupleswho have parted and we desire to encourage all who are in the midst of marriage struggles.

Transitions, change and growing up

2008-10-30T06:49:00.005-05:00

Verbs are action words. They require action and movement or state of being. Sometimes that is so very hard to move or change the state of being. It feels like life is presently filled with verbs. This is a season of being a "Gumby" as my dear husband would say- being flexible. Not always easy.

I love my family and children, maybe too much, as it is often hard to let go and allow less of them to be enough. To let go of the old ways and begin new ways of doing things. Recently I realized that there is a kind of handoff as parents. You start with no children, then you adapt to having children and the first ones adapt to sharing life with the ones who follow them. the later children have known nothing else so on the tail end of their childhood they will be required to adapt to a quieter house and one with less folks around and then the parents again adapt to the return of the quiet house.

Our oldest, at 20 remains at home, as he is putting himself through school and is "too poor" to move out. My next is soon to graduate and is beginning to test her wings. In the past few months she has begun to makeup for the lack of activity in the past few years. She has joined a few clubs, and now is involved in Venture Crew as well as considering a new body to worship in. I am thrilled by her zest for life and am pleased to see her pursuing her interests.

Our middle son claims that he will never live in the country- he wants action and activity to surround him- so he is the one often seeking rides and wanting to go, go , go. Age and lack of funds often keep him homebound but the desire to fly is there. And then there is the youngest- Sam. He has only ever known having everyone around. He likes his siblings, though he will ask his oldest brother when he is moving out so that he can have his room. He gets sad sometimes when all are away from the house, yet he is not a real pursuer of people, rather he enjoys them when they are around but also enjoys being alone. hmmm, maybe he is more like his parents than I realized??!

It is a seaon of change and adjustment. Slowly we step down the path before us. slowly i release my hold and allow a bit of distance so that the children can become adults. little things like acknowledging that the 20 yr old is a young man and with that come some freedoms. Acknowledging that he now may excuse himself from the table, no longer seeking permission as he did as a boy. Some things are nice like the semi adult conversations about life and seeking information and opinion that we would not have enganged in years ago.

They are all doing well, enjoying some of the growth. I am finding that if I take it one step at a time I too am enjoying the transtion. It just has to go slow so I am not disoriented by too fast of a pace. life- a verb to be lived!

The end is near!

2008-10-15T16:22:00.005-05:00

For weeks we have had the joy and pleasure of seeing the transformation of the exterior of the house continue. At times I would wonder if the end would ever come. This week it seems to be drawing near. Siding on the second floor is done. Windows wrapping on the first floor is complete. There is a bit of each as well as a few details here and there to take care of. Word is Friday. Today we had a bit of a scare as bad wood was removed and bugs sprawled- fortunately it was not termites but carpenter ants. Tomorrow the bug guy comes and sprays and the work will continue.

As with the roofing guys I have observed hard working men who give attention to detail. The guys call each other Bubba at times, they joke and carry on. they leave cigarette butts in the yard. They are country boys who know their task and a few other and go about life simply and on their own time schedule. When they do a task it is done well, and with courtesy to ask my preference and desire where there are options available.

Yesterday one of the crew drove up on their tire rim- a blow out just down the street. The team was working alone so they were kind of dead in the water for going anywhere. By the days end I realized anew how often folks dont care well for those around them. Knowing that they didnt have transportation I offered them lunch, which they enjoyed. They indicated that it was rare if ever to be treated as such. Hmmm, seems to me that if I care well for the workers on my house they will care more for working.

Today I was reading a passage from Created for Work by Bob Schultz to my son. In the chapter "Art in Your Heart" he speaks to this -

"A society with empty hearts gives only what is required, and that grudgingly. They even cheat one another by giving less than is required. Then the chated person cheats in return. Mistrust grows. Rather than giving out of the abundance of their hearts, they try to fill their empty souls with what they take from others, hoarding what they have gathered. "

As I read that paragraph I thought, that is what happens- empty hearts don't think of others, they live with mistrust and cheating and it becomes the norm. Mr Shultz spends time talking about how God puts art into the world- He could have made it a grey, dull world, rather He spent the time to add color and detail and craftsmanship - just because. The challenge to the reader is to do the same, within their ability. What an affirmation to choose to treat others well as well as to work with a will to do better.

We rejoice in the work that has gone on around us. We look towards the end of this chapter, the tidying of the yard and the fall foliage collection that will be part of our next chapter of the fall and the joy in doing the job well and training our kinder to work well.

Green tomatoes galore!

2008-10-15T16:08:00.005-05:00

I woke this morning thinking of fall and the coming of a frost that will end the gardening season as I know it. As such i soon found myself out in the garden with a pail and trimmers. I began to clean out some of the raised beds. First the marigolds- I love the color of them but really do not like the smell at all. Next came a bed of tomatoes that were kind of spindly. After they were gone I found space to do some late fall strawberry plant transplanting of runners. This is my first go at strawberries. I started the summer with 3 plants and since then many runners have shot out and I have transplanted as I think of it. I am hoping that the spring will bring many healthy plants to burst forth with fruit.

I soon found my bucket heavy and full of green and a bit of red. My eye fell next upon the sweet potato plants. The vines were long and lush. The plants were kind of afterthoughts when I hit the feed and seed mid summer and they were marked 1/2 off. I tucked them into empty spaces and forgot about them. The vines took over one box and even started to root into the ground beyond the box. I trimmed back the vines and began to dig in the dirt. I am thankful for loose soil as it was fairly easy to find most of the tubers. One broke off and as I dug deeper I found that the potato had burrowed its way through the lanscaping fabric and into the clay soil beneath- wedged tightly into the earth. I was able to remove it. I now have 3 cardboard trays of sweet potatos drying on the campertop in the sun. Not bad for a first go at a new plant.

the green tomatoes continued to call so I began on another box of plants- the plant had been overwhelmed by squash early in the summer and didnt do much. once the squash left I kind of ignored it and sprawl city took over. Another bucket was filled with the green tomatos that were pulled from all the sprawling stems.

We then composted lots of stems and leaves- a long composting season for them as they are quite fiberous, but winter is coming so time is on my side.

With a bucket and half of green tomatos sorted for green tomato relish and half a bucket laid out in cardboard trays for ripening my morning ended. The afternoon was spent slicing, chopping and crying my way through the veggies as I prepped the relish - it is now 4 quarts, 1 pint of relish in the cooker for sealing. Our neighbors love the stuff so they will be well stocked!

More tomatoes await me for another day. Many stems still left to cut off the web of trellis that they weave through. As I began to clean up the garden today I marveled at all the produce that I have been able to collect from my small garden. I also thought of the joy of knowing that after I add a bit of manure mix to the loose soil I will be ready for the next planting season. It may take a bit to shake and deroot the plants and dirt as I pull some plants but so worth it to preserve the rich soil and look forward to future crops. It also has me again dreaming of what else to add to the garden next year, how many more beds and what layout will serve us best??

Until then I will collect my peppers and tomatoes and continue to put the garden to rest. The leaves are falling, the acorns are seeking out heads to bean as they drop. There is much to enjoy as I spend time in nature this month.

its been a while

2008-09-29T21:20:00.003-05:00

My dear hubby is away on a whirlwind business trip to CA ( 32hr rooundtrip) so I am taking a bit of time to reflect upon the past few weeks. I had not realized that it has been over 3 weeks since I last blogged. The time has flown. Life has been life I guess- when one is in the midst of the whirlwind it can be hard to notice the breeze.

Our new roof is on, and it is beautiful- all the more because of the knowledge of the attention to detail that went into its installation. As the old roof (s- in some places) were removed the reality of the lack of care was fully revealed. Now we know that all was properly and throughly done. The group of seven men who worked on our home were phenominal by todays work ethic standards. They all worked steadily at their tasks. Each knew their task and rarely was any supervisor seen giving guidance. They put in 11 and 12 hour days with a lunch/ seista break around 1 pm each day. They were courteous and considerate and hard working. I longed to have spanish language skills to be able to communicate with them better. Yet we managed. I cheered on Jenny the reluctant air compressor. We helped them with parts and tools when she was stubborn on the second morning. We thanked them often and served up cokes and snickers to help keep their energy going. My youngest and I joined in the cleanup- the rolling magnet was too much fun to pass on. We shared the backstory and our deep gratitude for a new roof and our hopes that their assurance of "no leaks" would be reality.

At times I grieved over the attitude I heard from others - "mexicans eat anything". hmmm, would he/ she say the same about americans? their realitive? cousins? They are human and have preferences and I expect would be blessed to be asked- so we did. When asked they prefered cokes so that is what we provided. They were reluctant to come in the house to use the bathroom and even the sink to wash hands. It makes me wonder at their reluctance- do folks treat them as nobodies??? Do these men who work harder than any I have ever met not see that we esteem them and wish to do what little we can to make them comfortable after their morning of hard work?? I believe they left knowing that we esteemed them. Oh that we, the modern couch potato Americans , would walk a mile in their shoes and learn from their focused work ethic. I applaud the Mexican men who work so very hard, that have not forgotten what it is to work.

Since the reroofing life has been .... life. Parenting continues to have ups and downs. Some days easy, other days we cry out for wisdom. Some kids are struggling with lessonwork, others don't care much about it- and it shows, and then out of nowhere comes a piece of work that reminds us that there is hope within. That beneath the "temporary (we hope) brain altering that seems to have overtaken them that there is a core of character and solid base that might be seen again." Some training lessons need to be resumed, and others begun. I have other plans but life just keeps being life- so we adjust and adapt and breathe deep or laugh or cry or rejoice in the midst of it all.

I am always amazed at what ebay provides. At therapy last week a tool was shown to me that the therapist planned on getting through the system, though I was told that it could be a slow procedure. she gave me a name and I thought, why not look. Ebay came through. For $15 it is now on its way here so we can begin to implement it and begin building strength where it is weak. yeah for ebay and how it connects need to needy easily!

We find ourselves on the sidelines of a soccer field often these days. Each game is different and each team and coach has its own flavor. This past week one team was younger and had many members calling out to one another in a foreign language. Tonight the teams launched the ball higher than I have seen yet this season and then bounced it from head to head for a bit. Our son is reluctant to use his head- something I didnt understand until he revealed his concern for his teeth. About 5 years ago he busted a few front teeth in a superman leapfrog manuver that went awry. I guess the memory is still quite fresh and real so he guards them well. He is learning the sport- enjoying the defense postion more than the sidelines. As a new team member it is often a bit more on the sides than in the field. The lessons of supporting a team are still being learned.

The tomatoes keep coming, lots of japelenos and the compost keeps doing its thing. We are seeing deer wander in yards again- soon will be searching out the acorns that continue to "plop" to the earth around the yard. Fall is creeping in and we're loving it. Soon it will time to tuck in the flowerbeds and drain the hoses for the cool weather to come, but until then we are enjoying the time to commune with nature again with ease.

When it rains...

2008-09-05T17:32:00.004-05:00

at my house I had gotten in the habit of looking up.

Our house came with a "new" roof 26 months ago when we bought it. The roof had been installed about 10 days prior to purchase. Since that time we have learned what it is like to have a leaking roof. So accustom to it that we kind of resigned ourselves to it after a while, getting to know the roof repairman on first name basis. Not what we wanted or expected, but life never is.

The drama of it all kind of faded after a while. In the first six months of life in Toney we had lots of drama that was house related. The roof stuff was drips in the corner of the master bedroom, marks and later drips in the upstairs bedroom and discovery of sideways laid shingles. Then the worst morning was discovering water dripping from the wires in the fuse box, lots of water. That was also taken care of and life went on, later more leaks, more repairs. And hearing our repair guy tell of caulking over 100 nailheads that should have been caulked over a year ago. We lived with it all, not happy but resigned and a bit frustrated by it all.

A few weeks ago that changed. We were past the 2 year labor warranty when the men working on the house installing siding pulled off gutters to reveal the shingles were short on the perimeter of the house. We kind of resigned ourselves to repairs, even purchasing several squares of shingles. Then the rain came and with it an indoor shower. Leak location #6. The wonderful siding guys went to work looking for the leak, we were thinking that they had put a nail through the flashing causing the leak, not so lucky. After siding and trim were taken off the house that had just been installed and several trips to the attic to find the leak without sucess they cut a hole in the ceiling of the porch roof and finally located the leak.

With the repair came the realization that not only was it a lousy roofing job but it was so lousy that our warranty on the shingles would be voided if it was ever examined. Nails were through the shingle - not through the tar in the shingle, thus water can seep under the shingle and into the house via the nail. This was found in several places. The siding guys, who are also experienced roofers also pointed out where there were already nails popping out because of incorrect install.

Needless to say we have since had several conversations with the roofing company. We are delighted to report that next week we are anticipating the installation of a new roof. They wanted to "lay over" the old roof, but we declined such a quick fix. My dear husband made an impressive powerpoint presentation of all the faults we have found with their "quality driven with every nail" roof- i guess they were impressed as they have tried to make this whole situation quickly go away and quietly.

for us it is a blessing to think of rain storms ahead, years ahead when we wont have to think of looking to the ceiling and wondering if yet another leak will form.

the original roofing crew has since gone on to other jobs. our faithful repairman who has shook his head repeatedly and done all he could to patch this roof to dryness will be installing the new one. Friends had their roof completed by him, through another contractor and report no problems. His character and throughness has been seen in our conversation and I believe we will be well pleased.

We thank God for this provision and the ease in which it has all transpired. I dreaded the thought of a court visit, but once an objective knowledgeable party expressed the truth of the roof's condition we realized that to not pursue corrective measures would be foolish upon our part.

9131 days

2008-08-18T17:30:00.004-05:00

9131 days...that is, to my best calculation, the number of days I have been married to my man. Lots of time it seems as I look at the number of days we've been together. My how they have risen in number without watching!

Today we celebrate our 25th anniversary. I remember our 5th anniversary as I was in the hospital following the birth of our first child. The 10th?? Hmmm no idea, the 15th??? the 20th fell as we were preparing the house for sale in the process of moving to NC from NY. We shared the day painting a foyer and enjoying dinner from Wendy's drive thru- I refused to eat in on my 20th but it was my favorite food to enjoy in my exhausted but contented state that day. Not the "normal" glory given an anniversary, but we are not normal and in that season it was just what we needed to move forward with life. My man honored me, the wife who was beginning to feel overwhelmed with what life was holding. He was about to head south and I was staying behind to sell the house alone. After that day I didnt feel quite so alone and overwhelmed.

Now here we are at the 25th year. How the years have passed, the last 5 years have been full with much adventure, change and life. Perhaps more than past seasons have held. Each "season" has had its theme and we have navigated through them. As I look ahead it is to a season of releasing some of the kinder for their own exploration of life and readjusting to new normals for each of us that such a season brings.

When I think of our marriage lasting so long, and the end not in sight I think of both the easy and the hard times. I wonder what has kept us stuck to this life path as partners instead of shooting off on our own. Amidst the reality of relating to one so very different and yet quite enjoyable enough to choose to spend to share life with it has not always been an easy choice to choose partnership rather than independence. Perhaps we're just too stubborn and proud to call it quits, perhaps it has been our choice from day one to forbid the "D" word to pass our lips or be entertained in our minds. We have had our seasons in the low lands of marriage and love as well as the heights of love and passion. Mostly though marriage is lived daily, and that calls for perseverence and grace.

I think of our many memories shared- military life, Germany tours, children, young adulthood, hobbies, camping together, shared friends and most important to us our faith. What rich heritage we have in the many memories and relationships we've cherished over the past years. How fun it is to realize that somehow this guy you married you have grown old with and yet in some things you are still a young bride. I am still learning things or maybe relearning who he is and how he is best blessed. We find that we continue to grow together as we share our joys and struggles. We have found new interests to pursue, parenthood continues to grow us beyond ourselves- both individually and as a couple.

As day 9131 approached many thoughts and conversations came and went about its celebration. We spoke of cruises and rings, campouts and other things- all the stuff of dreams and romance novels. Yet this simple hearted girl was brought to tears in reading the words of my love this morning when he wrote "Know your still my bestest friend and given the chance to do it for the next 25 years, I am all in. " I have his heart, He is all in. Wow! Who needs the stuff and doing when just being is what truly blesses my heart. So, as this day comes and goes it will be simplicity and inner delight in knowing that we are sharing life together, we are a team, running the race of life, pressing forward toward the goals that God sets before us and looking forward to the day when it wont be just 9131 but in the ten thousand range and beyond.

Update- my silly bear took me out for dinner - seems we're starting a tradition. It was Wendy's again- alfresco- we watched a soccer practice as we dined under the clouds amidst breezes and surrounded by nature. I laughed and enjoyed his consideration. It is kind of fun to be silly and simple - I think we'll dine in at Wendy's for the 30th- but I may bring the tablecloth and candles to make it a proper meal! Funny how traditions start and gain a life of their own!

A brief glimpse of our family life

2008-08-17T15:03:00.002-05:00

At times it seems that life here is boring and blahh….. and then other times I wonder if others have the same color in the characters of their family as we do.

Sunday morning I took a photo of the men of the family preparing to worship. To quote me “before worshipping the creator you are going to kill the created”…. It’s the never ending battle of squirrel vs man and in our house the men want to win. Unfortunately it wasn’t a winning day that day- or maybe if you are the creation it was fortunate.

Weekly, of recent I have watched the evolution of the converses. Did you know that you can get converses custom made??? I didn’t, but do now thanks to #3. He, being a poor deprived child has to do them himself, and he does. First was the red on the side, then the 14K gold around the toes and band, then he moved on to chrome. It is a ever changing scene. Today it was almost jeopardized by skid marks on the linoleum until I realized that converses have white rubber not black- he and the spray paint may yet add new color to our life.

#3 is not alone with the spray paint can. Our youngest has followed in his footsteps of customizing. For him this week it was the plastic soldiers. We are studying WW2 so he wanted some tan soldiers, so he set up paintshop on the side lawn and went to work. Unfortunately the paint ran our before the men, so he moved on to blue and then I think black. I think the soldiers will soon go AWOL from paint fumes and confusion of which army they are in. He is having fun and creatively using up excess paint. Better soldiers than walls- recently there has been a rash of grafitti on business walls in town- so sad that kids lack imagination that is productive not destructive.

We are gearing up for an active fall. We have become a soccer family again- our first time as a traveling team soccer family so we don’t know what lies ahead. It was kind of fun to see the guys out in the drizzle playing away- fun as we were safe and warm in the “soccer mom van”. School is up and running and we are adjusting to the new routines and tweeking what each child has need of at this season of their education. And I am prepping for an art class I’ll be leading at co-op. it is exciting and fun but also requires a lot of prior planning as it’s a art room on wheels- all has to be transported and accounted for as we are working out of a Sunday school room. This year its about 40 kids so it will be a bit more of a challenge. What always amazes me is how the same material is available yet the outcome can be so radically different because of the creative tendencies of each child. Some dive in, others are hesitant. Some pile on the paint, others dab and poke without confidence. It was encouraging to be reminded that even the masters did not keep and enjoy every work of art that came from their hands.

Life continues on amidst the killing of creation, or attempts to, painting of footwear and footmen and stepping up the pace of life here in Toney. Blessings to you.

20 is a special number today!

2008-08-17T14:44:00.002-05:00

As I logged on I saw that I have published 20 posts so far. 20 seems to be a number that grabs my attention today... with a good reason....

20 years ago today we started our journey of parenthood. It has been a journey that has blessed us six times over, four of those blessings live with us, two are visiting with their grandfather, having greeted him as he entered heaven's pearly gates.

We have made many mistakes and learned many lessons in the past years. Our eldest has been there through it all, often closer and more involved than he'd like. My husband often acknowledges to him that he has gotten the best and worst of us- the first blessings but also the first mistakes as we attempt to parent and sometimes don't do a great job.

To meet the eldest you would be blessed to see the good stuff- he has done a good job of forgiving and forbearing our lack. God has blessed us with a compliant mild natured, patient young man who strives to make good choices. He was fun to watch grow, approach life and imagine adventures as a youth. He traveled the world well with us- while we lived in Germany for 3 years he never spent his birthday in Germany! He survived his years at homeschool, adjusted to and enjoyed private school and endured the final year at a public school- departing with 4 college courses under his belt and prepared for college ahead of him.

We had some ups and downs in the teen years but overall ithas beena fairly steady on path for him. We have been blessed to see him continue to have a heart after God- listening and seeking out good companions. He has seen God's provision in his life with jobs that have paid for his education and he continues to endure long days of studies and work to check the blocks for future gains.

This morning as we celebrated his life it was with a list of the things we love about him. He suffered well as I read it to siblings, things like- your smile, love of tapioca pudding and his math minded brain. He often reminds me of many of our family members- From my dad comes his dry humor and servant heart. His uncle passed on to him his signature and mathmatical talent- actually many bloodlines converged for that as he has electrons running through his blood and brains- just like his dad, and my dad and.... He handles a chainsaw well and shares that talent to bless others like his uncle.

It has been 20 good years, many life memories stored up. He is the one we began the path of parenthood with and some day soon he may be the one who helps us to begin the empty nest adventure. Until then I will enjoy him when we see him, I continue to learn to let go and watch him find his place in the life that awaits him. My the past 20 years have passed quickly, I sure hope the next 20 are as full of memories as these have been.

Its a mess outside!

2008-08-15T18:01:00.005-05:00

I have realized that it is hard to consider having folks over to visit these days. The yard is a mess- but its all with purpose. We have holes dug in hopes of sinking posts for a pole barn, the wood is leaning up against the stripped play equipment to dry well and another "pit" is carved out of the clay dirt for an antenna tower base- several batches of concrete it will hold, or at least a boy. There is also the crater left by the unearthed tree of last month.

And then there is the siding situation. Slowly but surely it is being remedied or maybe rather covered. After many months of thinking, talking , praying, denying and then facing reality I came to terms with reality. Masonite siding is not wood, it wants to be wood, it was called wood, but it is not. As such is is much more prone to rot and decay and fungal infection- all which we had. So, we took the tiny settlement from the masonite folks for the decay and mess that was on the house and committed ourselves to having the house resided.

It is in the works and what has been hung so far looks great! I am pleased with the clapboard look of it and thrilled with the thought that water will no longer get in to the wood to rot it away. We contracted a national company so that it is warranted- probably paid more than a local guy but the attention to detail of the guys doing the job is wonderful. The local guys that are doing the job are hard workers, desiring to do the job to our satisfaction. To hear them tell me that they want me pleased, and then they actually correct problem areas to suit us is great to see. They are allowing us to have it done as we would do it - if we had the ability to do it. They make it all look so easy- which I know it is not, but indicates their experience with the materials.

So, if you drive by, you'll see a bit of a mess, but give it a few weeks and the mess will be gone, the yard will be cleared up and the barn boards will be restacked and we'll be ready for folks to share life with again. Until then I am enjoying the sound of hammers pounding and guys talking as they create a masterpiece with vinyl and aluminum around my house. I am enjoying the reality of much lower maintance burden upon the exterior of the house. That is life outside our house this week.

Who is your neighbor?

2008-07-25T06:41:00.004-05:00

Yesterday as I was reading 1 Cor 5 I came across a couple of interesting verses. I Cor 5:9-11

" I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people- not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy, and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate wit anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat."

I have gone to church all my life. My list of denominations that I have called home is vast- baptist, catholic, nazarene, non-denominational, pentecostal, post chapel. We have seen lots of the christian life in the many years of our raising and faith walk. All too often there has been an unspoken (and sometimes spoken) message of "don't associate with those kind of people" - meaning folks who do not go to church. Yet here Paul is saying that it is not the unchurched who struggle with sin issues that we are to not associate with- rather it is the those who claim belief in Christ but are stuck in bondage to a sin issue.

I have come to realise that we all struggle with sin issues. That we all are struggle with a some kind of idolatry, immorality, greed and/or selfishness. Often we mask it a bit more when we are in the church decieving ourselves but oftne not those who watch our lives. Christ calls us to total surrender and disclosure, no more deception. He doesn't require it of the unbeliever, he accepts that they are blind to their sin and walk in it openly often enough. It is not a relationship breaker, rather it is a reason for relationship. He desires those who need Him- it is why He came - not for the saints but for the sinners.

A few years ago I evaluated my life and relationships and realized that all those I called friend were folks who went to church. I was challenged to consider how I can be salt and light to folks who already place their trust in God. I began to adjust my thinking. I now delight in getting to know folks who dont go to church, who walk a different path. I have learned to relax a bit about differences and outward appearances.

When I ask the question "who is your neighbor?" i am serious. I tend to be a shy, quiet person in large gatherings yet I am a gal who loves to live in a neighborhood- one where we know our neighbors. We live on a residental country road of about 20 houses. I have lived here 2 years and have met folks fromabout 3/4 of those houses. Many I have an ongoing relationship with, others it was a brief encounter, just enough to know a name and establish a bit of contact. I think of my neighbors often, praying for them and considering ways to love them well.

I grow a vegetable garden for a few reasons. I love fresh tomatoes, so do my neighbors. I enjoy squash , so do they. I think I am the only one with a garden on the street this year, so I share and use that as a bridge for relationships. Last year we shared some veggies with a neighbor who we had limited contact with, , within the hour the husband came and extended an invitation to my husband for a visit. We now have more contact and an ongoing relationship. I thank God for the garden and offer its harvest as an offering for His kingdom.

Many of the neighbors are brothers in the faith. Some are not, some it is unknown where their faith walk is. We try to love them all the same. Jesus does. Where sin abounds we understand the root of it, we dont condemn them, we love them. where differences in lifestyle occur we acknowledge that with our children and establish what is truth and what we believe to be proper yet we continue to love and be open to relationship.

I live far from my church, so far that it is often disstractor from attending more than twice a week ( I really am a homebody). My fellowship is not so much with church folks, it is more with my neighbors. I have struggled with that a bit,having thought it should be the other way around, but have settled it in my heart. We live here to be salt and light, blessing and encouragement to those around us.

When I am with the body I encourage and connect but God also has other folks he wants me to shine before and glorify Him. I call them neighbors and friends, they tell us that we cannot leave ... "we dont have permission"... "you better not move". I think it has been worth the risk to reach out, to know who lives next door, down the street and who moved into the new house. It is nice to know who I wave to, and to have them wave back with genuine care as we pass by. It is a blessing to pray for the parents, children and deployed spouses of my neighbors.

Who is your neighbor? Who is waiting to be known on your street? If you are lonely perhaps part of the solution is in reaching out to your neighbor? Perhaps your neighbor is lonely for your fellowship and relationship? One never knows what blessings getting to know the one who lives near you might bring. I'd love to hear of what blessings you have found in your neighborhood.

We praise Him after the stormy day!

2008-07-22T19:24:00.006-05:00

Wow- what a day we've had here in Toney. It started as a simple day at home waiting for the A/c guy to diagnose what is going on with the a/c. It was all that and more.

Amidst doing laundry I went to check on the dryer outlet. Last week I updated the dryer venting by installing a dryerbox in the wall behind the dryer, and then rerouted the venting pipe using dryer-ell's this time instead of conventional elbows. Huge difference and I am thrilled with the air pressure leaving the house after 20' of pipe. Today I wanted to check to assure myself again that all was really fixed. As I checked on the exhaust I noticed lots of "mouse dung" on the bricks underfoot, it wasn't there last week, and I was puzzled. I soon realized that it was bat guano and there was a group taking a snooze in the eaves of an unfinished overhang.

My daughter, the animal adventerer, came out and we checked out the bats that had wedged themselves into the small dark spaces and under the shingles overhead. My mind quickly formulated a plan to eliminate and keep them out until the guys who are about to side and soffit the house get to the job. Yet the beady eyes and icky beings of bats were there and I did not want to look at them, so I felt I would have to wait until dusk. Later as I watered the plants it occurred to me that maybe the bats would not like a shower and choose to leave. I quickly set up the bat roost shower and sure enough they did not want to stay and left for a dryer sleeping location. What we thought was 4-6 bats, it turned out to be 12- 15 or more. I ducked down as they flew passed the stream of water in search of dryer resting places so I didnt get an exact count. Two were reluctant, but departed soon after my daughter's gloved hand and poking stick approached them. I love a brave animal relating daughter because I am not so.

We "guarded" the area from reinhabitation until it was curtained off with screening, ductape and staples to hold it all in place. We hope that they do not return, but should they we will again offer them a drink and shower and let them know that it is daily available until they give us a bad hosting rating. I felt triumphant to have helped them relocate so quickly and inexpensively- a neighbor had an attic infestation and it cost them $$$ to get rid of the bats and bat bugs that roamed their home.

If that wasn't enough excitement the day continued on with two mighty rain, hail, lightening and thunder storms. We were again given an opportunity to camp at home as the power was out. It was kind of fun to stop life and play monopoly with my youngest in the dim light. Amidst the gaming I heard a "whoosh" sound- a 30 ft tree chose that moment to lay down on the lawn. It was a perfect drop- it just laid straight down parallel to driveway and fence. It looked like a professional tree surgeon had supervised the job- and so God did!

This weekend we will again have a family work day as we divide up the downed tree and our neighbor will join us as he begins the first warming of the wood in his life. The next will come with the moving of it, the splitting of it and then the burning of it! He smiles in delight at the thought of the warmth that it will provide for his family and savings at the propane truck visits.

We praise God for His protection from the storm, for the guidance of the tree, for the secure house and home. We praise him for a cool day, so we will sleep comfortably even though the a/c repairman never made it out- hopefully tomorrow. We praise him for rainy days to enjoy, neighbors to share it with and the blessing of rain in abundance.

2008-07-14T07:30:00.004-05:00

God's forsight was seen today

2008-07-05T15:41:00.000-05:00

For months I knew this day was to come. At the start I longed to deny its need, but alas the day came when the brick foundation wall had to come down to make room for repairs of rotted wood. Months have passed since then with the wall repaired and the bricks from the destruction cleaned of mortar.

Today was a true work day at our house. The boys worked on moving wood to new location for future pole barn building. My husband worked on closing in a side of the screen porch as it will soon become a 3 season room. My task was to begin to rebuild the brick wall that circles the house. In many homes it covers the cinderblocks. In ours it covers some of the foundation and then rises a bit more over the wood before the siding takes over to cover the exterior walls of the house.

As we mixed the mortar and I prepared for the job ahead I reflected upon how over 28 years ago the God of the universe looked forward in time and knew that I would need this skill. As I quickly set to work, with ease of knowing what the task ahead needed for tools, procedure and completion I marveled at how easy it was to lay a course of brick because it was a familiar skill, even after all these years.

Between my junior and senior year I spent the summer on a mission trip in Rioacha Colombia helping to construct a two room schoolhouse. At that time it was a huge step of faith as I was the girl in the family that longed for the inside jobs and cried as I worked hauling leaves and hating every moment of it. I recall standing by the cement mixing station, having finished mixing mortar and marveling that I was there and was there with joy- knowing it was a working of God in my life. That summer I laid brick, hauled sand and did any work asked, without tears or pity parties that I had at home. God had changed my heart.

Fast forward 28 years and I am again playing in the "mud"- laying bricks and finding joy in it. I thought of how gracious God was to prepare me for today all those years ago. How only He would know the skill needed today and the confidence that I would have to procede. How it would bless my husband to see me exhibit the skill and knowledge of the task, relieving him of it. I heard the pride in his voice as he spoke to a neighbor of the task. I thought of how I was living out Proverbs 31:17
"She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks."

What a blessing that God would allow my arms to be strong for the task- recently I have had struggles with pulled muscles and pain in the tendons yet today I was able to lay 3 course of brick without struggle.

Often I think of how I expect to see God in the big things of life, not in the mud. Today I saw Him in the mud, in the joy of the moment prepared for in years passed. I thanked him for the training sessions in Colombia so I was ready in Toney. It made what could have been stressful and uncertain or costly (hiring a mason) a morning of joyful productiveness! Thank you Lord for strong arms. Thank you now for rest!

Life unexpected

2008-07-03T08:15:00.002-05:00

This past month has been full of the unexpected- some good, some not so good, but all of it life in full color.

Saturday I noticed the plant upstairs needed watering, but decided to wait. Sunday morning I took it my unconsumed water- a blessing to the plant and possibly the lifespan of our house. What I met in the hall was a strange "electronic" smell that I was unable to find the source of. My husband soon investigated and we eventually found a battery charger, plugged in and in the midst of a meltdown- due to "regular" batteries. Had we gone to church without the trip upstairs I don't know what we would have come home to. I am thankful for the trip upstairs and a nose that works.

We made an unexpected trip to the North east-" home"-we had relatives who were ill and we realized it had been too long since we traveled there. The drive went well, the beauty of the eastern passageway one I had forgotten. Even Penn. roads were not as bumpy as I expected. I anticipated much discussion of politics and weather- the norm. Rather we saw and heard the bitterness of the lives lived as consequences for past choices came home. How sad and grievious it was to watch those you love walk through suffering that stemmed from a life without the Lord. How hard it was for me, how much harder it must be for God who longs to care for them yet they continue to walk in independence. I went with one expectation, I came away with new reality, a much sadder one, and no rose colored glasses to shield my heart from its reality.

My mom lives in a "cabin in the woods". I have always loved to go there, and each time I visit I enjoy it more. This past visit it was like a cool brook to my thirsty soul. I longed for peace and tranquilty, for rest after so much busy going. It delivered it again with cool green places, with the joy of a grandmother enjoying her grandson by sharing a game. Productive work that replaced occupation alone. We traveled and did a "tourist tour" which I was uncertain of but found it very enjoyable. We were able to picnic for lunch until the rain chased us to the cars. It was nice to share time and life with many family members and have some "girl time".

As June passed I found that I was slowly resting up from the busy season passed. As July comes it has an openness that is nice. I am finding time to make visits that have been put off. We start the day with a few hours of chores and tasks then have a slower pace. Our list of "to do's " has shrunk as soon a crew of men will decend and repair the outside of the house and rend it greatly "maintance free" so the fear of more wood rot will no longer be in the back of our mind. At this point we are in prep mode for the change- not a project we expected 2 years ago when we moved here but one we decided was wise to embark upon at this time to save future battles with house issues.

The garden is blossoming, the beans and squash are abundant. The tomatoes slow to ripen but soon will be overwhelming me with work. I have revisited a blackberry patch from last year, this years rains have brought plump berries so I was able to make jam for the first time with blackberries. I find that again I relive my childhood as July comes and I go out early to pick berries. Each morning it is fun to explore what is ready to pick for fresh enjoyment.

I never expected the life I live. I don't know if I had a vision of what my life would be, but it is in so many ways richer than I ever imagined. I am able to spend time with those I love, enjoy digging in the dirt- ha! what a change for the girl who once cried because she had to do outside work, now I often outwork my boys outside. It is a quieter summer with my daughter away, but even in that is good as I look down the road toward the days when she will be a phone call and letter away rather than a seat away at the table.

Learning to Let Go

2008-05-28T17:26:00.004-05:00

Today I began my babysteps towards the season of "the empty nest". My little girl (17) went off to camp for her first job away from home. She will be a junior counselor at a girls camp 2.5hrs away for about 7 weeks this summer. Big step for both of us.

I always think of her as confident and capable yet as we arrived she was happy for my company as she found the beginning of the checking process and then worked her way through the lines. I hung around until she passed the health check in and was heading off to lunch. She was gracious to endure a few more hugs than she would have desired before I went off down the mountain.

The camp is beautiful and well established. From the dorm ceilings hang boards of past sessions with names of past campers. New and old buildings are nestled into the well treed grounds. A rope swing and porch swings call to you to stop and visit or take a break. The possibilities of activities await her and all who will arrive this summer.

And so I let go and let God care for my treasure, my daughter, allowing her to spread her wings a bit, to grow and be stretched. To share company with older girls, hoping that she will find ones to connect with, treasure memories with and enjoy creating a memorable summer for many little ones.

I have heard of her zeal for action and adventure- my unicycling wonder, my white water rafter and tree climber. So her summer of trying new things has begun. Her room will be quiet and I will write letters to encourage. It is the beginning of letting go and moving forward for me, as a mother and a woman. Of looking down the road at the transition that awaits as each of the children seek the path that lies before them for their own adventure.

For some it is a few years away, for others many, but for each it will come. One day it will be time to pass on the marythemom@hotmail.com to another mom, to allow another to carry that title. It is time to look down the road and begin to consider life after marythemom, when I am just Mary- the creative, the gardener, the book reader, the builder, the????? When my day is not filled with caring for younger ones and listening to the heart of the child. I know they will still share but it will be from afar, not from under the roof always.

So, today as I drove away leaving her in a foreign place it was not with fear but renewed faith that my God, her God, our God is caring for her so much more than I can and do. What a grand adventure, to pass the baton and watch her begin to run her own race down the path God has for her.

So, E-beth as you read this know I am standing here cheering you on. You go girl, enjoy the adventure and share that which lies within you with those around you. May God continue to be your wisdom, strength and joy through this summer!

Time in the garden

2008-05-15T15:09:00.002-05:00

I have been spending time playing in the dirt today. I awoke to the sound of soft rain and thought of how this would be a good day to move monkey grass. It surrounded our mailbox post in a thick clumped circle. With a shovel and knife I was able to pry it up and out. I then loosened dirt around the area and slowly divided the massive root system and transplanted many small shoots to fill in a corner spot around the mailbox post. It will slowly fill in and I will get to repeat the same adventure in several years.

To spend time sinking my hands in dirt is a way for me to rest and slow my pace of life. Today I spent about two hours planting, weeding and transplanting. Last night at Lowe's I found a bleeding heart plant- a plant from my childhood, to add to my garden. It is a shade lover and I remember looking at neighbors plants with great joy. Now I can visit my garden and cherish the flowers as they come. It is telling that I am now thinking of my childhood as I seek out plants to bring color and interest to the garden.

Last weekend I spent time in a beautiful garden of a new friend. She was gracious to give me a tour and send me home with iris bulbs- her castoffs, my joy and delight. When we arrived here we had a lanscaped perrenial bed in the front and a halfwall brick planter. Since that time I have divided the hostas, lambs ear and other perrenials and began to fill in the empty spaces that lined the fences and walls. It is amazing to me to see things thrive with a bit of compost and manure. Now I am slowly diversifying the beds with a few annuals for color and moving things about to bring interest in texture and heights.

Our neighbor has a beautiful clemantis climbing a trellis in her yard. Last night I found one on the markdown rack so soon there will be beauty climbing up the lamppost in the front yard.

This month I have begun to use herbs and natural remedies. A friend gave me a plaintain tincture to help with our sons acne struggle. slowly but surely we are seeing an improvement. To us this is an amazing wonder as he has had antibiotics that did not seem to help. Now a simple plantain / cider vinegar tincture is slowly but surely drawing out all the impurities and bringing healing to his breakouts. I rejoice to see God's provision to cure.

Our daughter and other son both had bites of various sorts this week. We applied bruised plaintain and comfrey and soon found the rash and swelling diminished. As our daughter heads out to camp she'll be carrying plaintain tincture and a bug repellent from nature's provision.

Our raised bed garden is slowly growing. The cool weather crop continues to squeeze against the cage- today I thought of the cabbages as captive cabbages as they are protected under a chicken wire cover. The seeds planted are shooting up and we are beginning the battle against aphids and other attackers of vegetation. It is restful to daily visit and pick a few peas or nibble on some fresh broccoli. We look forward to the melons, cucumbers and tomato that are in process.

I spent time last month building up the compost bin. We took the truck to a subdivision to collect bagged leaves and grass. Filling the back of the truck we soon had full bins. As the weeks have passed the level of organic matter has shrunk. When I checked the piles I found the heat within toasty. Earlier this week I spent time turning and soaking the pile. Slowly but surely all the grass, leaves and vegatable scraps will turn into rich dirt (compost)and will enrich the garden and flower beds. What fun it is to recycle the weeds and grass into dirt- feeding earthworms along the way!

So, another day in the garden is done, my hands are a bit grubby as I just never remember to don gloves. As I leave it is with joy for the time spent in quietness and time talking with the Lord as I enjoy His creation.

Transitions ahead

2008-05-07T07:04:00.004-05:00

It feels like we've been living alot of life here of recent. We've had birthdays to celebrate, doctor visits, therapy appointments, end of co-op and soon end of school- yipeee!!! We've had kids stressed over education, enviroment and change- life is happening here. Some days we finish the day and are so very done! It is good to see endings as well as beginnings.

My eldest survived his second semester in college, coming away with a variety of grades, the best news was that he passed the Chemistry course- a real tough one where there is automatically a steep curve before classes begin! What a collective sigh of relief there was when he found the posted grade not only passing but also transferrable- yeah! Now its a summer of working and wrestling over Calculus for him.

My daughter is counting down the final days of school and considering the upcoming year with uncertainty of what educational path she'll be traveling upon. She gets to spend the first half of summer at Camp Skyline as a junior counselor. She is looking forward to time with girls and horses as well as hopes to uni in the woods. She has taken to her unicycle and its a daily occurance to see her pedaling down the street. She is wanting to soon launch into life with dreams of travel and adventure, so there is no telling where she'll be heading next year.

The boys are finishing up their lessonwork and right now summer looks open- a nice thing as we look to slow down a bit. I think we'll still do a bit of reading and writing as both can use some continuation in that , but not much as this mom wants some down time. They are finding new guys to spend time- with hopes of future visits and romps in the woods.

I was pleased yesterday to find after an evaluation that my youngest had made some gains in some skill areas with the Occupational Therapist. She did an eval and said that there were 2.5 year gains in some areas- not bad for 6 mos work! Slowly but surely we'll address his areas in need of remediation. Sam speed is the speed we work at, which is hard for this hyper mom, but I continue to learn to slow down to catch up with him.

Its been an interesting year- slow at times, busy at others, some months easy relationally, others challenging. Recently stress seems to have sat at my feet. Taking each day at a time has helped me to keep perspective. Remembering that my God is big enough and will walk beside me in all things has brought me comfort.

So we are in the midst of preparation for transitions. One off to camp, another starting full time work for a season. Summer will soon be upon us, visitors coming and a camping trip or two to embark upon. We'll be looking forward to the upcoming school year with the many decisions that will need to be made for each child's education. Again, dependence is where I find that I need to position myself. I think of how yesterday at a thrift shop my youngest brought me an upwards new testament he wanted to buy- he just loves to hear the Word of God. Oh if I can be like this child in willing to sit at the feet and soak in the fathers word and live a life of dependence and obedience. pressing on until next time.

too much time in the throne room

2008-04-28T10:06:00.003-05:00

Last week I wrote of dancing around the throne with a plunger- little did I know that it was a prequil to a week of events. I was again invited to dance with dish detergent on Thursday and it was soo fun that I jumped at another chance Thursday evening. At that point I thought I was done and was VERY fine with the thought of time away.

Early Sunday morning I found that my time was not done, this time it was a call to a dance with agony. Stones, pebbles and rocks- all things we don't think much about - least wise I don't. I kick them, throw them, step on them and think little about their composition or make up. Ocassionally I will see a rock broken open to display a hidden beauty of crystals. Still I don't give alot of thought to them.

Yesterday morning as I realized my slight pain was not the start of a UTI but was rearing up to a kidney stone's cruise to Bladderland I thought alot about stones and crystals. Having passed a few before I knew what to expect, and wasn't looking forward to it. This was worse. I have birthed 4 babies, all without the modern drugs and helps, rather lots of breathing and pushing. So I breathed and pushed and moaned, still no baby. No relief from the pain, it seemed to just get worse.

It gave me time to reflect on the difference between birthing a baby and a stone. With a baby the pain comes in waves and if you have a monitor someone can prep you for the oncoming event. You know there is an end in sight and what the end will be. With a stone the pain comes and lingers and lodges and stays and then diminishes only to come again without a wonderful reward at the end.

Having forgone the trip to the hospital in the past, though the doc told me I should have gone I again was hesitant to go to a sterile place to agonize in public for the birth of my stone. Yet after enough craziness and laying out on the lawn in agony I went and oh was I glad! It was a short wait to get to the back and the drugs soon followed. I don't do drugs often but when I do need them bring them on- and they did! When the pain began again the hostess served up more drug cocktails to ease the pain- lala land of ease- hey maybe cruising wasn't so bad- as long as you have the cocktails to go with!

After a few hours and a trip to the CAT scan I was told that stone#1 had landed and I was free to go home. My kidney still ached but they assured me it was just irritation from the event. Home to bed and rest- ahh, its good to be home! Rest was not to last as it seemed stone #2 decided to launch himself down the path. Again, good drugs, thanks for the Rx doc, and I was a more comfortable hostess. It seems relaxing is one of the keys to hosting a stone party, so I settled in with my heating pad and a good book.

When the cruise was over I even had a prize to shake in my culture jar- a stone to analyze and understand why I was selected to host stone cruises!

I am hoping this is the end of the adventures for my week. Dancing and cruizing has worn me out (maybe the drugs have scrambled my brain a bit too). I am taking a slow day to rest and recoup. The drugs are packed away for another day, hopefully far in the future and the dishsoap is restocked lest the dance is called for again.

Loving the internet tonight !

2008-04-22T20:34:00.004-05:00

It has been an exciting 24 hours at our house.

Last night on a whim our son was sent under the house to check for leaks. Why? Just because we've had enough dripping adventure in our underworld to make us wary. And unfortunately he came back quickly with report of a spraying connection.

The adventure began as dear hubby unpacked his Home Depot/Lowe's plumbing department annex and found the right pieces and manuvered his way between stairs and through the shortcut to the underworld. Less than an hour later the master pipe sweater emerged wet, dirty and triumphant to have stayed the spray once again.

Have I wrote about how great he is- he has replumbed the underside of the house in copper when we found that the low grade pipe was pitted and dripping all over. He replaced the hot water heater and then went on to help a neighbor do the same. He is a handy hubby. He would love to rest yet the house keeps falling apart around him and calling him back for his attention. He is one who likes things done right so he is slowly but surely making the needed repairs and fixing the problems that where in the past the trouble spots were "fixed" but not truly repaired. He is a trooper.

Tonight, with the recent memory of plumbing panic in my mind I set to clear the organic material from an upstairs recepticle. It was not wanting to move, having decided it liked the nice round bowl of its inhabitance. I danced and sang and yet it still wanted to stay for the show. I called around for snakes hoping to scare it away, but alas, it seems no snakes reside in our neighborhood. :(

Finally, not wanting to greet my hubby with news of more plumbing drama I turned to the modern day encyclopedia- a google search engine. Alas, first hit was a mile long thread telling me that if I fed my bowl with 3 squirts of dishsoap and waited the next time I danced the guest would leave. For the really reluctant a chaser of hot water would do the trick. So, being the gracious hostess that I was I quickly served up dishsoap and waited. A jig here, a polka there and soon my troubles went down the drain! No chemicals, no burns, no mad dashes to the late night store.

So, tonight I am singing praises for the modern technology that brings answers to my fingertips when I am in desperate need. For all the organic matter that lines the highway of bits and bites tonight the daisy's and green grass shine forth and allow me to see the beauty amidst it all.

So, should you ever find yourself doing the throne room jig- remember 3 squirt and a hot water chaser will set the matter to rest.

Firsts at 44

2008-04-14T18:22:00.004-05:00

This week I experienced a first - a painful sunburn in April!

I have realized that I never had a springbreak at the beach so no spring sunexposure in my youth. Little did I expect my Saturday afternoon gardening to bring about a rosy end!

Saturday I enjoyed a morning of soccer and yard saling. After returning home I decided to delve into the dirt. I have a raised bed garden but wanted a few more beds to plant in after last years' sucess. I had constructed the beds last week but they were yet to be filled. So I began to move bags of vermicullite and peat moss around and I found that my comfort level was sinking as my temperature rising. I dashed inside, threw on a sport top without sleeves and returned to my gardening. It was a wonderfully warm day- probably in the 80's and so I progressed from setting up beds/ boxes to circulating the compost bin, feeding plants, laying out hoses and on and on. About 3 I found my energy wain and by 4 I was done. So were my shoulders!

Can you say red! Tender and sore I have been for the past two days, but it is ok- my garden plots are ready for seed. Tonight we expect frost- the temp has hovered at 50 today- quite the change from two days ago. I am awaiting the peel, as I am sure it is to come. My lotion spreading bear is off to the mid west for a few days so I am left dry and a bit achy, but with much to do as I plan plantings and layout of beds and such.

I find that my time in the garden is so renewing. To play in the dirt settles me and gives satisfaction that doesnt come with housework. Maybe it is knowing that I have begun something that will progress, not need redoing in a few hours or days?! I look forward to the spring planting and the blossoms that follow. By mid summer my interest wains to just maintance and by harvest I am happy to see the plants head to the compost bin. I guess that is why I enjoy perrenials so much- stick them in and forget about them mostly. I love the punch of annual color in the flower beds that accentualte the short term color of the perrenial backdrop.

This year I was happy to find some volunteer offshoots of a few plants so I transplanted them to new locations to make a go at independent life. My mystery winter bloomer has finally been identified- it is a hellebores- though its blooms tend to be more light green than the rose or white shown in the books. Still I am happy to know its name.

I am contemplating what to do with the many vines that are around the house. One that is fairly aggressive climbs near the back porch door. We discovered a light under it when we first arrived and gave it the first "vinecut". After a year of watching it and trimming hard it just keeps going but not where I am wanting. I am not sure I am wanting to build more trellis so it may be time for a transplanting. Just not sure where the new home will be yet.

Last year I added a few small beds to the borders of the house and fence- just simple arrangements to add a bit of color and interest to an empty wall and corner. They seem to have taken well as the hostas have returned and now other plants are coming up. I am finding it fun to add a few plants here and there and establish plantings where there was once bareness. Paul dug a big hole and needed a place for the dirt to go so I am beginning to start a few spots under my favorite trees- front and back yard. I love hostas and impatients, so we'll see if I can get them to take root and settle into the new beds.

So, spring has come to Toney, complete with a false start and towels and sheets decorating the yard to show that I was too anxious to wait! With joy I watch the world awaken for another celebration of the beauty that tells of its wonderful Creator.

Happy Spring!

Dependency

2008-04-02T16:56:00.004-05:00

This seems to have been a month of learning to be dependent. Not independent, not co-dependent but dependent.

I recall when the military did away with such an unpopular term- I was no longer "dependent" upon my sponsor (husband) but was now a family member. The name change did not change the reality that I was still dependent upon his wage earnings for daily sustanance. I chuckled within at the time of the lingo change.

As much as I acknowledge my dependence upon my husband there is a part of be that prickles at the thought of dependence. I want to be independent (at least in some ways) I find that part of me wants to make it on my own and survive well, but that seems to be impossible. That is a good thing.

God did not create me for independence. He created me for dependency upon Him. If I was able to make my life on my own I would not need Him and I would miss out on some of the greatest adventures of my life. Dependency is not easy, it is one of the most challenging things I am called to do. To give up my self and lay down my will for His. I battle against it, I fear letting go of control, fear trusting that another can take care of me. Yet He stands waiting and watching as I do my independent mess dance, until I come to the end of myself and surrender.

Fear has been one of the battles that has raged in my life in the past weeks. Fear of trust, fear of hurts and pain and old wounds reopening, old paths feared to be walked upon. I found that once I left the peace of trust and dependence "fear" was all too willing to take up residence and rage out of control. How hard it was to reign the fear in and remember Truth as I allowed "fear" to reign.

I generally don't think of myself as a worrier or fearful, but I think that is only because I don't really, truly look in the mirror of my life with clear glasses. When in the mirror I saw the truth of my heart and life it was ugly with fear. I had to acknowledge that though I say "I trust and don't fear", my actions do not always follow my words.

I went to a retreat where the words "faith" and "trust" continued to come up. Each one slowly building a defense against "fear" and "worry", knocking it down and replacing it with the truth of who God is, and how He is able to care for me and my needs. Reality was restored. My vision reset and sanity of mind returned. Ahhh, it felt good after spinning out of control.

I always chuckle at the ways God teaches and prepares me for what lies ahead. I wrestled with fear and then learned anew about facing it and trusting Him and others. That He is big enough, He is aware, He IS a strong tower to run to.

Since then I have realized a new area where I was operating in fear and made a conscious choice to operate in faith instead. To choose to honestly face my fear rather than deny its existence and yet allow it to reign over me.

Most recently another adventure in our house was revealed and my first response after shock was anger and then fear. As I shared of our discovery I renewed my "stinkin thinkin" with the reminder to myself that all things are filtered through the hands of God. That He has us on His potter's wheel and is using this house to spin us and center us dependent upon Him, to shape us into His image and mold us for His purpose. Just as He has used a donkey to get one prophets' attention in the Bible he can choose to use whatever he'd like to get ours. Even as he used a hot water heater to connect us with a neighbor He seems to be using this house to keep us dependent and needy before Him.

So, again I find myself dependent and needy. Hopeful and trusting, yet wrestling with my fear as it tries to reign instead of faith. I am positioning myself in a posture of dependence and hope in my Lord, as I know all this is too big for me. Now I wait with expectation as to how He will care for me in the midst of this season.

Yesterday I was encouraged by the sermon, it spoke of "Staying the Course"- enduring and perseverence- staying under the weight, standing up under the pressure. It was encouraging to remember that God uses life circumstances to draw us to Him, to grow our faith and grow us up.

I have been encouraged that in the past two weeks amidst conversations with neighbors I had three different ones remind me that we are NOT allowed to move without their permission! When I told my Bear about it he said "how is that relationship thing going??" I guess its going if the neighbors want us to stay.

Actually I love this location and the house is pretty cool if we overlook the little things like mushy wood and missing boards that are hidden under pretty. Actually if we were "normal" homeowners it probalby wouldn't be an issue, but we are wired for doing and we notice the stuff that others don't until its much worse. Ahh well, even as He wired us He has allowed that wiring to be used to keep us needy and honest and human and humble before Him- what an amazing God we serve.

musings on childtraining

2008-02-03T14:26:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I participated in a ladies workshop day at our church. It was dreamed of over the past months, watered with prayer and planning and the day went smoothly due to the help of so many ladies. I was amazed at the transformation that the foyer took with tables, chairs and tablecloths. The many helpers seemed to know their task and with joy cared for the areas they were responsible.

It was a bit of "my baby" as I had expressed desire for practical teaching for our ladies and applicable to their lives. 13 sessions were offered over 3 time slots in a variety of topics. All seemed to be wonderful from the buzz about the rooms. My heart has been Titus 2- training younger women to be keepers at home and loving husbands and children. With that in mind I took on the task of the Child training 101 class.

It was with great faith that I agreed, as I am not a public speaker. 2-3, at the most 5 is my comfort level. I am a listener and wallflower, unless very secure and comfortable. I was happy to have only 8 come to my session.

In preparation I dove into my favorite books and authors, recalling what its like to live in the season of little people constantly about. A neighbor was a sounding board, but I still didn't feel like I had hit the nail on the head. Then I watched Michael Pearl's The Joy of Training DVD (www.nogreaterjoy.org) he does a wonderful job of presenting the balance of discipline and fellowship. He establishes the need for training children and taking control until internal control is developed as well as being joyful in the doing. I was convicted of some shortcomings and began the process of retraining where I had allowed slackness to reign within my household.

Going into the class there felt to be so much to cover to give a good basis of information, but also wanted to leave time for questions to follow. I am not sure how it was all received, but I hope some of the ladies went away with an extended vision of the outcome of present training, with the realization that they can expect obedience and are right to train for obedience. I presented that the rod of correction is available as a tool as one begins training, to reinforce the words spoken and as a consequence for misbehavior/ rebellion once the standard has been established.

Prior to teaching the class I had checked in with the pastor's wife to alert her to my content. She and I dialouged a bit about the acceptance level of the present generation in the use of the rod of correction. I am not sure how all attendees received the encouragement to add it to their parenting tool box. Today as I dialouged with a women in education and childcare providing industry I walked away wondering when had the shift come to our nation on this Biblical tool??

I thought back to some of the teaching I have received under the Truth Project (www.truthproject.org) Of how the nation changed after 1859 and the publishing of the Origin of the Species. This book preceded a shift in the legal system and the trickle down effect has been great. As I follow the path as I view it soon followed other events and their trickledown effects. The Bible was no longer seen as the basis of our beliefs and legal system. The Bible was taken out of the schools. Generations were raised without the Bible as a basis of their education. The generations have become proud and have rejected God's plan for raising children. In arrogance we dismiss God's principles for our own. We have become "accustom" to children ruling over parents with tantrum throwing, hitting, disrespectful speech among other things.

As I considered the rod of correction that the Bible speaks of I realize how arrogent it is for this generation to dismiss a training technique that were used on most if not all Bible characters, on hundreds of years of children and the fruit showed by continued obedience and honoring of parents through those years before time out was developed. The lack of use is documented where the Bible tells of children who went their own way, of the children that were to be stoned for their rebellion and dishonoring of elders.

What God showed generations as a plan to manage the unrestrained passions, we dismiss as harsh, unneeded, and lacking effectiveness. All the while, we continue on a path of frustration and discontent as our children seem to rule, not obeying simple commands.

Hmmm, I guess they have actually learned some lessons from us- we rebel from God's plan and our kids rebel fro our plans.

So again I ask myself, what do we (I) fear in my lack of trusting the Creators plan? Do I fear the lack of control- not getting to follow my own plan? doing things my own way? Do I fear man- his rejection and ridicule? Do I not trust that the architect of my soul, the creator of my body really, truly does know what He is talking about when he gives instructions on how to train and shape a child's will, so that I might enjoy him fully??

I have considered this week the parallels between my life as a child of God and the life of a my child towards me. Our ever patient Heavenly Father gives his commands and instructions in the Bible and by the rulers over me. If I disobey there are consequences that follow. If I don't pay attention he increases the pain until I submit to his authority and align my will with His own.

For a child the parent gives the commands and instructions by words and training. If disobedience follows consequences follow as well. If the child continues to not obey the pain increases until they choose to submit and align their will under their parents will.

Contrast that to the modern stream of thinking. The parents asks a child what he wants. Or a parent removes consequences in fear of the child experiencing any pain. Or the child doesn't listen to the parent, (this was once called rebellion or domination) and acts as he she /wants and the parent negotiate so the child will do the right thing.

We have come a long way from the day of the parents being parents, children being children and obeying their parents. Of parents knowing that they are to have authority over their children so that all may enjoy one another's company and live together in peace, not truce.

I have not fully processed this, I am chewing on it and thinking about it at this point. I know the success we have experienced as we live in fellowship with our children and hold them to a standard of obedience. It has come from applying a rod of correction at times. Those applications diminished as the understanding of obedience increased. It has not always been easy to apply Biblical principles, to submit my will to my Fathers. Yet the stakes of not doing so seemed higher than the ease of the present moment, so we did it. I believe our children are more settled for having done so.

Teaching Stuff

2008-02-01T06:45:00.001-06:00

On Thursdays I teach at a homeschool co-op. It has been an interesting situation in my life.

I arrived in town worn out and "burned out" after several months of "only" parenting , prepping for a move, finding a house and moving with dear husband arriving home two weeks prior to move. By school beginning- which in the south starts way too soon- I was barely coming around to "normal".

Then the phone rang- "?would I teach science?- with others, 2nd and 3rd graders??? Ok, I was willing. Soon I found a room full of kids and I was lead teacher and it was fun- it was wide open to do as I wanted, so we did. We played with magnets, ate green food and drank black juice and took trips outside to see nature close up. As the semester drew to an end I thought about what I was doing and what I really wanted to teach. This was my first time leading a co-op class and it was fun. I was really enjoying the challenge and joy and the kids dive into learning.

Art and creativity was always a passion, my "major" in high school, but hardly visited in college. So I began an art class, well, no make that 2 classes. In my mind I would have the same room as science- oops, room shift and my 9-10 year old boys and girls found themselves in the worlds smallest chairs for real people. We laughed and rolled with it. We painted, colored, drew, made paper mache masks, created clay plates and creatures. The kids dug in with hands and got messy. It was funny to hear the reactions as they were boy and girl classes- segregated. The boys struggled more with the papermache messy hands than the girls. perhaps they had spent more time hands deep in dough in the kitchen???

Yesterday a mom came to me and told me again how much the kids had enjoyed the class. What a blessing to have made memories of joy for her boys. I have heard that others cant wait to be old enough to attend my class-hmmm, not sure I am up for repeats on the art or tooltime ???

Last semester my passion was to help a few guys know how to handle a screwdriver and hammer. I had once hosted a couples baby shower and the guy game was to ID the various tools used for simple father tasks- putting crib together, taking the toothbrush out of the toilet, etc. The clueless dads won the 4 way screwdriver and duct tape.

So the base of "Tool Time" came forth. I wanted the help some guys lose if they were ever to participate in such a game. They built a tool box, a nail box. We then went on to construct a mini wall and add electrical components and drywall it. We spoke about stuff that guys need to know- how to check the oil, tire pressure. How to hang pictures with drywall anchors. It was lots of fun and yet a bit exhausting to haul the stuff to the co-op.

This semester we have moved on to "Guy Stuff". Last week they began with learning how to tie knots. My helpful assistant showed off his knot tying projects and demonstrated several knots. This week some boys brought in new knots that they tied, several have practiced throughout the week.

This week's lesson was "Dress for sucess" where we spoke of clothing - matching, choosing the right thing for the occassion, learning to tie a tie, shoe polishing, ironing, measuring yourself for clothing, packing a suitcase and why we seperate red clothes from white in the washer. All too quickly we ran out of time- no time left to play with the polish or race each other in packing and ironing- bummer, that would have been fun.

It was nice to see that many had dressed up. Those with shirt and tie and jacket were given a 100 grand candy bar for looking like "a million bucks". The ones who showed up with collared shirt/tie brought me joy so they received a Almond Joy, and the few who threw a tie on over their tshirts and sweatshirts came away with a snickers- as we all snickered at them. After they tied their ties they were all rewarded with Butterfingers as they proved that they did not have them. And the class ended with dinner mints, as all well dressed young men should have fresh breath.

And so we begin a semester of classes again. In the early hours this morning a new idea came- Chicken?Man? A class on carcasses and how to cut them up! How is that for guy stuff. the carcass ID part came from my husband as I shared my thoughts at 3am.

The challenge is my 3yr old neighbor GIRL was willing to pickup and "play" with a dead bird- no squimish or problem. Her sister had cleaned and ?? taken the meat from a dove- no problem. Would they be chicken or man? would they conquer a chicken without fuss as a 3 and 5 year old have?

How many young men will know how to deal with a whole chicken? How is this skill applicable? Well, the $$ it can save them in later life is great. As newlyweds a chicken I separated and deboned could supply 2-3 meals, and on our limited income that was huge!

So, we will do cost comparison, learn to ID poultry. Teams will learn to separate the parts- and maybe will go on to teach their moms and sisters as I have found this to be a dying art. If time and tools permit they will get to cook up their chicken breast and I will take home lots of chicken to cook up for future use. And they will learn the importance of clean hands, tools and samonilla poisoning prevention. Hmmm, who would think so much could come from the humble chicken?!

The teaching of "stuff" has brought me great satisfaction. When I originally said OK it was with resignation, and a sense of obligation. Little did I know that my backdoor entry into co-op teaching would bring such joy. It is now fun to consider what practical hands on tasks I can bring to class and impart to willing students. I am never sure how the guys will take the class content, but so far I have not had any drop out so I guess its working.

Faith or Fear- what is happening within??

2008-02-01T06:33:00.000-06:00

The Lord is always gentle to nudge us slowly and so he began with a conversation here, a word there. Then I happened upon 1 Peter 3:5-6. The passage was talking about wives, submission, reverence, outward adornment and the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God’s sight. It then goes on to say-

“For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. “

As I read these verses I thought of how Sara was the wife of one of the patriarchs in the Faith Hall of Fame (Heb11), how she endured so much and waited upon the Lord for answered prayer. She obeyed Abraham twice when he, in fear, claimed her as his sister, not his wife. Both times God protected her. I thought of how she could have given into fear with the uncertainty of the situation her husband’s decision had put her in. Yet God was with her, He saw her position and cared for her. If God is willing and able to protect Sara will He not also care for me?

As I read the last line of these verses I considered the “do what is right”- and realized that in the beginning of the passage it spoke of women who put their trust in God. In so doing it allowed the inward beauty of faith to reflect outwardly. That beauty was a reflection of the honor given to both God and their husbands. It is a beautiful thing to see a woman respond with unity and willingness to God and her husband. As I honor God with trust and then honor the authority over me; my husband glory is given to my Lord.

There is an analogy here, Christ willingly submitted and laid down his life for the will of his father. We don’t hear Jesus griping and complaining and striving to gain his own way, rather he chose to submit and in so doing to glorify the Father. In like manner we as wives have the choice to chose to submit and in so doing bring glory to our husbands and beauty to our lives.

When I consider that Christ is my role model for submission and I see how He chose to lay down his very life willingly I find myself needing to consider my heart attitude. I am challenged to consider what my heart attitude is as I approach my husband and my Lord. Is my attitude one of willing obedience or reluctant acceptance? Do I fight and throw a fit because I can’t have my way? The light of truth shines upon my heart - areas I thought I was doing so well in God in his gentleness illuminates my selfish, sinful attitudes. I begin to face my sin and the reality of my heart.

I have considered what often blocks my willingness to lay down my will for his and it is fear- the “what if’s?” or the “you don’t understand”- all fear related. Recently I have considered my motives when I start to balk at the leadership of my husband and more often than I like to admit I find that the root of my response is in fact either fear or the desire to be in control. Here God labels the motives of my heart. God knows that I, as a woman long to be in control, because I, in my heart trust myself more than Him or my husband, I want to protect myself and care for myself.

The sin of pride continues to beset my life- outwardly I say I need God yet in my heart of hearts all too often I think and act like I can take care of myself better than He can. Yet He reminds us as women that to do what is right is to honor and submit to my husband and not give into fear.

Am I willing to trust in the God who cared for Sara? Am I willing to trust in Him to direct and guide my husband as he leads our family? Am I willing to trust even as Sara did as her husband was passing her off as a sister rather than protecting her like a husband? Oh this is hard to say yes to.

This verse stood out, so much so that I wrote it on my mirror. Daily I am faced with the challenge and reminder of God’s word and daily I am caused to wrestle a bit more with my fear and my faith. I have by no means conquered this area but I am finding the wrestling good exercise for I desire to glorify God with my life. I desire to be a daughter of Sara- putting my hope in God and thereby reflecting His beauty. I desire to honor and respect my husband and allow God to lead our family through Him.

Perhaps you will join me in reflecting on what is going on within as you choose to respond with faith or fear to your God and your husband.

The amazing power of a dad

2008-01-26T19:48:00.001-06:00

I am continually awed by the power of dads. They are amazing in the awe and respect that they get from their families if they have established themselves well. The one who resides here has, and so it was with awe and delight that I watched him move through the kids rooms today.

This morning I asked my dear husband to do a room inspection. The younger boys room had had a through dejunking a month ago as we reorganized the space. Our daughter had recently received a bed with storage beneath and had reorganized but had continually assured me that the piles I kept seeing all over were necessity and could not be eliminated. It was starting to look like landmind field of books and pillows. Our other son tends toward packrat tendencies. The paper stash is amazing. He isn't fazed by the abundance of outdated receipts, notes and flyers that have accumulated. I have offered to help him learn the process of sorting it all out, but he has repeatedly assured me that he was fine. My subtle hints and requests had seemed to fall on deaf ears in the area of order to be applied to some of the rooms. I knew that for Dad it might get a different response.

He announced the inspection at breakfast and the kids retreated to their rooms soon thereafter. Our son had prepped his room, but knew more would be needed so reasoned that an inspection was timely to save him later hassles. He requested us to begin to inspect. The status of the floor was improved but still had a few stray hideaway packing materials and boxes. The pesky papers remained atop the dresser, waiting for permanent storage in the black "T" file. Dad then was able to state clearly and without the emotional conversation I often find myself bogged down in, the struggle and difficulty of not dejunking on a routine basis. He was able to cut through the excuses, misunderstanding and quickly establish a plan, a deadline and a clear consequence if appropriate action was not taken. Amazing.

Next on to the girl's room- the one with several piles and organized chaos as a rule. The dad factor arrived. I was in awe. Our daughters floor was visible in its entirety- somehow she did it- she found the secret places or the forgotten hide outs for all the books, clothes and miscellaneous that had found gravity spots about her room. He was able to venture into the closet and cupboard, ask questions and get clear answers. She received his joking and set to make things right - without complaint or fuss. Amazing.

By this point I was in awe, but Superdad's morning inspection was not complete, he went on to demonstrate clothes folding and inspired the boys to complete the needed tasks to bring order to their room. It was done with humor and levity and though not "fun" there was not the emotional drag out and whining that sometimes occurs on my watch.

Oh, I wish I was a dad some days. He makes it look easy. I know its not, that it is part of his job description and that he often feels the big heavy authority figure coming down. He just seems to do it with ease and grace and the kids respond with honor and respect.

Amazing the power of a dad- to inspire and motivate and direct offspring so quickly.

Adjusting to the unexpected

2008-01-25T06:49:00.000-06:00

As we have moved to various places we have learned to adjust many times to many situations. After leaving our first job- a military career of 20 years a week and a day we returned "home". We prayed for a rental that had 3 bedrooms, a basement and a garage. God smiled and giggled from heaven and gave us the desires of our heart,with a twist. The 3 bedrooms was an upstairs flat in the middle of a city. Not expected but we adjusted.

There followed a season of close living, which helped us as a family to draw together. When 6 folks live in close quarters you adjust or go crazy, we decided for the crazy family time choice #3. We escaped the city by camping on many weekends and enjoyed the convienence of living around the corner from a bagel and donut shop. I relived some of my childhood days spent in the city with my children. We loved on neighbors and shared vegetables from our small garden. We shared live with folks of many cultural backgrounds and made memories that left us richer.

Since that time we have lived in the country, in a subdivision and now in a country subdivision. We have again invested in our neighbors and settled into the home that we are blessed to dwell in for this season. We continue to adjust to not having a bagel shop nearby, or a library within walking distance. Each home we make has a different feel to it, quirks- like ours has a slope in the kitchen, kind of like the one in my parents house in the village did. Each neighborhood has its own story.

Here we watch deer cross the road, wander in the yard and skitter back to where they came if they don't trust what they hear. Yesterday two deer stood listening in the road as a neighbor meandered out to his car, and it didn't faze them, other days they scoot back to safety without my understanding. They are accustom to some sounds and occurences. On our street we have a white truck that fully obeys the 25mph speed limit, taking him 2 min to get to the end of the road-,8 miles away. He is a race car driver on weekends but on this road he fully obeys the law. Most of us are not that patient, some have yet to register that there are children on this lane as they are practicing their racing skills on the straightaway!

Since we have moved here we have begun to settle in. The house unpacked, slowly life integrating to all the "news" - school, job, church, neighbors, friends. yet I find that I am still in the midst of adjusting to one part of my life. That is life with a special child.

It was a slow discovery. Born "floppy" we adjusted to bearing his weight and cheered when he finally sat on his own at 8 mos, crawled at 13 mos and took his first step a few months later. He fell alot and we laughed and hugged alot. That was just life in our family of originals. Fast forward many years and the mothers instinct that something is not right started to nag again.

First we had weird nighttime activity following a seizure. Finally a night terrors diagnosis settled our heart and we moved along. A move and more "hmms??", a seizure and trip to the hospital were the beginning of the wake up call. A speech therapy screening while in the hospital for seizure was rationalized as a way to justify our wait for a doctor. Then she began to tell me that our 9 year old was showing delays, speaking like a 6 1/2 year old. ??? he was the fourth child, a talkative one???

I went home and started to notice some dots, here and there little things. The reading delay that was not changing, the ah-ha of reading that my other boys that never came at 10. How many times would I have to repeat phonics lessons, over and over? At soccer alternating feet always had a delay. Light sensitivity that went over the top at times, not able to follow more than 2 directions at once. And greatest of all is the pure innocence of it all. He never seems to notice or express frustration at not being able, just accepts life as it comes. And so our journey with a special child has come. The rose colored glasses have been taken off, first slowly and gently but some days I feel like they are ripped off as the stark contrast between what the outward expectation could be and the reality.

Last week in the back yard the stark contrast came as the neighbors 3 year old quickly flipped over herself on monkey bars as my son struggled to swing for more than a few minutes because of fatigue that comes with exercise because of his low-tone/ low endurance body. I have allowed that weariness to guide us rather than push him to strengthen, which we are now doing. It was a good perspective for me as I work to strengthen him but also painful that he is not able to do what should be so easy.

This week at a group event again realizing that he is not able to keep up with peers- kids of same age and body size-yet in an academic setting they process quicker than he is able. Yet in his heart he is generous and loving and kind. He seems to not know a stranger and will sit down and visit with most anyone, much to his teenage brothers dismay!

So I continue to adjust to knowing the heart of a child and the beauty that is within which is often only seen when you spend time with him, getting to know him. I continue to adjust to his time table,which is his and God's alone. He will get to the events of life, but it will be at a slower pace.

It is kind of a turtle and hare kind of thing, as I tend to be high energy and busy, he is slower paced and low energy. So I and the family are learning to slow down to catch up to him. Some days seizures will stop life as he rests until he can rejoin life, other days if just means living patiently and being willing to simplify so that we can move through the day well.

The adjustment goes on for this visual gal. It is a good reminder to me that God looks not on the outward appearance but the heart. How hard it is often to pull away from the world's (and mine) way of looking at the outward and ignoring the heart. Of remembering the reality that a person is not what they achieve in the academic world but who they are in their heart. That God's opinion is of far greater value than mans.

When the rose colored glasses were first taken off I found that my heart grieved and yet my son had never changed from who he was. It was not he who changed rather he was just labeled and catagorized and numbered. He remained himself. When my heart was able to come back to that I was able to lay the numbers, categories and labels on the altar and give it all to God. My vision was readjusted and heart centered. Unfortunately it isn't quite as simple as a laying down once, as I am finding out. I had heard something about a grief lived a thousand times and I am beginning to understand. When I am again reminded of what he "isn't" rather than what he is the grief of what might have been rises up again, again to be laid down and given over to the Lord.

I continue to adjust to the unexpectedness of this life in Toney. A life that is full and rich and in so many ways wonderful and unexpected. And yet in its unexpectedness also comes sadness and that reality that life is life and it will have ups and downs, joys and sorrows.